Mums of angels! wishing, carrying and holding rainbows.

[fanjodisfunction]

May this thread bring us luck and lots of support through the journey of life after the death of our little ones.

Thanks blizy & fan - just thought I at least knew the timings, but this has completely thrown me this month.
Guess I need to leave it a couple of months to see how it settles down.

wtw I guess you have to take one day at a time, remember angels mantra 'today I am pregnant' there is no need to think anywhere beyond this even though it is hard not to.

I'm having a very hard black morning, I don't think I'm pregnant, and it has really hit me. It will be a year next month and I'm still not pg, why!? Is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with DH, why didn't the pregnancy stick in July? Why is it all so cruel!

Oh fan big hugs, it isn't over till that witch arrives and I am sending lots of good luck vibes to hope she stays away.

elly and blizy sorry she got you.

I was really surprised we got pg with rose only 3 months after loosing Grace as previously it has taken around 3 years to fall pg. There wasn't a planned 4 years between dd1 and dd2 and another 4 year's between dd2 and dd1 so I know how hard it is getting hopes up every month and the devestation of either bfn or af I really hope it happens for you soon.

Rose is doing well, still struggling a bit getting this feeding sorted but we ate persevering even if dh is constantly saying we should bottle feed. We are away at the moment on a caravan in south Wales having a relaxing break. So will catch up properly when we get back :)

Oh fan I'm having the same thoughts, Dh and a talk last night about it, if I am not of next month we are going to the doctors. I really hope there is nothing wrong with me! I hope the rest of the day treats you better.

Wtw- it's totally understandable how you are feeling. I agree with fan and try to remember angels mantra. I can imagine how hard it is though.

I'm having the period from hell this month, cramps are agony. I am having a quiet day and tomorrow we are going to the safari park

blizy I had a conversation with DH last night too, I said to him I dont think I am pg, I have no symptoms, but I just dont feel I am. And he said I dont think you are either. We also dicussed maybe going to the doctors next month just to see. Its hard though isnt it, there is a part of me that of course wish that there isnt anything wrong, but also a part that wants something to be wrong so we can fix it and I can be pg again!

Its like deja vu, I had all this last time and I went to the doctors and thats when I found out I had fibroids, and I thought well thats it thats the problem, I need to know if that is the only problem and how come its a problem for me and not for others.

wtw makes total sense to me, big big (((cuddles))) to you xx I remember trying not to engage with my pregnancy and not to imagine having a baby at all, I guess as a protection mechanism. I thought I could be less attached and then less distressed if (when) it all went wrong. But after a while it hits you that you've always been very deeply bonded to the pg and the new baby and the terror sets in. Eventually I think I decided to swing the other way. I thought if I did lose Freya too, I didn't want to regret standing back through the pg, so started taking lots of pics, recorded her hb, added her bump nickname to cards to DH etc... just trying to make as many memories as we had the opportunity too. Waffling here, just wanted to say I remember xx

Hello Ladies
blizy so very sorry that you are back at the beginning of your cycle again, it is so bloody unfair and frustrating. I think it is very sensible (as well as scary) to go to your doctors next month, same to you fan. I will say that I tried for 6yrs to concieve Thomas (have pcos......not even clomid worked), I did manage to get pregnant 4 times but lost all of them before 6 weeks. I was stunned to fall pregnant with Samuel so quickly and that he stuck!! My cousin took just over a year to fall with her second with no known fertility issues. Im sure you are both (and dh's) fine, it really does suck.
wtw I can remember feeling exactly like you at around the same time, I had almost detatched myself from the pregnancy until that point then suddenly it hit me just how much the baby was wanted and needed. You will get there.
angel and fan and elly congrats on the weight loss. Im ashamed to say that I secretly shed some tears in the changing rooms yesterday when nothing would fit or even look ok
cheese glad you are doing so well. Hope your accident goes whatever way you wish for it
too hope Maia didnt need her final jaundice test. Samuel has now gone up to 5lb11 so around 5% under his birth weight.
I have an awful infection in my section wound.....bloody typical!! Feeling a bit strange today.....actually if Im honest, a bit sad for myself. Im remembering the woman this time last year happily walking around a shopping centre smiling, thinking she had it all. Never could she have known that just the very next day it would all come crashing down at a scan that should have brought joy. Strange, tomorrow pains me more than the day Thomas actually died and was delivered. Tomorrow is when the hope went taking my dreams with it. I feel selfish feeling so sorry for myself. Such mixed emotions, I look at my gorgeous little Samuel and then think, I had to loose Thomas to have Samuel.

Hi spilt, crossed posts, you explained that so much better than me. I felt the absolute same. It was one of the reasons that I went for the 4d scan, to have as many memories as possible x

well thats my day ruined, after feeling down all morning I go out to the car to pick up DH so we can go shopping and some idiot has thrown what looks like three stones at once at the car windscreen, and now the windscreen is smashed! This must have happened last night, I was woken up at 12.30 with a smashing noise which I now realise it was my car! I am not a happy bunny now and really it pushed me over the edge and DH has had to calm me down. I really didnt need this after everything today!

oh fan that is shit . Why are people such arses?? Will the insurance cover it?

razz you aren't being selfish at all. I know just what you mean about the scan day being the worst. The awful sickening shock. The day of the birth was like a little bubble in the middle of all the grief. It was the only day I ever got to see and hold my little baby, and yes, desperately sad, but immeasurably special and I have many fond and treasured memories of that day (though I bet that sounds weird!) It was a peaceful day. Whereas for a long time the scan day memories made me hysterical/hyperventilaty and terrified. Will be thinking of you tomorrow. Cuddle Samuel lots, and its ok to have lots of tears for Thomas xx

blizy and fan I really feel for you both so much after all these months, I can't imagine the emotional toil and strain and worry. So very much hoping you both get the safe pgs you deserve so much very very soon x

Oh Fan you poor love. why someone would do that. On top of everything else I'm not surprised you're feeling so crap and for you. If you do get to the point of going to the doctors, if you can get in to FHC Dr Phillips is really really good. I'm sure she would be supportive she's been so kind to me since Erin xx

Blizy big hugs for you too. It's so unfair and frustrating when you do all the right things. It's such a lottery each month. I hope you enjoy the safari park tomorrow xx

Shakey enjoy your break away. South Wales sounds lovely, I went to uni in Cardiff and used to love going to Tenby for the weekend

Razz will be thinking of you and Thomas tomorrow, I hope cuddles from Samuel help you through. Sorry to hear about your scar infection too - ouch. Have you got some AB's for the infection? Get as much air to it as you can xx

Thank you so much ladies for understanding. Razz and Split your descriptions match my feelings exactly. It's such a jumble of emotions I'm so flipping grateful that I am pregnant yet i've been trying so hard to stay detached yet the last few days i've been daydreaming of holding and feeding the baby, taking him/her out in the pram and swimming. Now it seems more real I realise what I have to lose all over again if (when) it all goes wrong. We went swimming today and K said 'oh mummy your tummy looks like Erin is still in there' so she has clocked it but hasn't associated it with a new baby. 3 more weeks and hopefully we can tell her.

wtw dr phillips is lovely, but I moved docs when I moved down to g-town.

Thanks everyone!

Silly me didn't have a different part to the insurance for windscreen damage so will have ro fork out £295! Really fucked off with that!

Oh fan I am so on your behalf! Hope you are feeling better.

Razz- I will be thinking about you and Thomas tomorrow. I hope the day passes you by gently. X

Whatever- children are so perceptive aren't they?

Thanks ladies for your thoughts and words, supportive as ever.

Blizy sending you positive vibes , if they help at all. Xxx
Fan what a shitter??? Sometimes it seems like it's one thing after another doesn t it? Ant & I say if it wasn t for bad luck we wouldn t have any!!! Then when we had a run of good luck all it was really was things going as they should; Phebs being here & fine, getting finance for a new car & Ant getting a little back for mid- paid ppi. However, we felt those events were good luck as oppose to being what lots of people class as normal events. Hope you get your car sorted soon & if it helps put your mind at rest get off to the Drs. Can t do any harm. Lots of love xxx
Whatever your feelings are perfectly normal I too felt incredibly detached through out my pg. Who wouldn t after such a horrific loss??? I never allowed myself to believe she would be here until in theatre. We didn t get any of her stuff out before I went in to hospital & I didn t pack my bag to the day before. I couldn t face any of that again. For me the further along I got the more I had to loose. To Mc at 12 weeks is a totally different experience to loosing a fully formed baby in my experience.
It's normal to protect yourself, take it a day at a time & as a friend wisely said to me : time is transient it never stands still. What seems forever away will come. Take care xxxx
Razz thanks . Glad to hear Samuel is well. Don t stress about your weight , you ce just had a baby!!! Thinking of Thomas... Xxx it is still hard Ian t it? Though I m so grateful Phebs is here & I worship her the pain for the loss & what should have been for Georgie is still terribly raw. I should have an 18 month old toddler & a 6 month old now.one of the nursery nurses at Pheb's nursery had a stillborn girl 16 years ago (3 live children) & says she still thinks of her and is a mum of 4. So many emotions. Xxxx
Hi all. Hope u re having a good weekend. Been busy : washing my uniforms , took Phebs swimming, shopping etc...
Love to all xxx

I had a dream last that I had a baby boy, and I was holding him all the time, he had brownish hair like me not like his dad or sister. He was wearing a stripey top and blue trousers and little white socks.

Oh fan I so hope that comes true for you very very soon. When is AF due?

Hope the safari park was good today Blizy

Felt very definite baby movements today 17+5 am sure that's the earliest I've ever felt them.

Hope everyone has had a good weekend xx

wtw a week today, I dont feel pg, so Im not going to get my hopes up (yeah right!)

They say that the more pregnancies you have the earlier you can feel movements.

blizy I hope your day out was good.

razz I hope this weekend has been gentle on you and that Samuels cuddle have helped.

Everything crossed for you Fan xx

Be nice to 'see' Blue back next week - unless she's decided to ditch mn for good!

I hope she is back wtw I miss her! And I cant wait to congratulate her on here. Im hoping all is going well blue.

/waves

hope everyone is doing well. Good to read updates fan keeping my fingers crossed here for you. I wonder if blue is enjoying the MN free time or looking forward to being back? Whatever how are you doing? Lovely that you're feeling movements. I felt them early too but it still took a while to feel more "attached".

Well, I tested and it was negative, I was relieved but there was also a twinge of disappointment. I must be mad...Ella had her 6 week check today (at 8 weeks) and everything was good other than the no smiling yet. They're not concerned as she's 2 weeks adjusted age but will look out for it at the next appointment just in case. She now weighs 8lb 13! Little piggy has put on 2lbs in 2 weeks!

Well done ella and cheese of cause.

Fan sorry about your car :( and fx for next week.

wtw keep on keeping on, you can't do more than that.

We've had a weekend on the Isle of Wight, which was lovely (despite MIL coming too!), so I'm feeling more relaxed than I thought I'd be about now. AF due sometime between tomorrow and Friday (I think!), don't really want to poas and find out just yet. Maybe I'm just kidding myself that I might be, who knows?

Hello all. I have been staying away for a while, carrying some quiet hopes in my head. Big news. I had a BFP today!

I wanted to share as I cannot tell you how strongly I feel that Mia sent this to us. My cycle had been all over the place this month which had made me very old and despondent, as I am normally very regular. But she did it, I know. I just know she did. Such a clever, loving girl, giving me hope. And showing me that my body can still get pg.

So very, very early days of course, and DH is delighted, but fear is right up there too. But you all understand that. I don't feel pregnant at all, no symptoms like I have had previously, and I have even been losing weight... but the CB test said it was true - I kept going back to look at it!

I said it on the other thread but I'll say it here too YAY! Congratulations sweetheart. Here's to a totally boring and uneventful 9 months. What is your due date? x

miasmum congratulations! So happy for you.