Mums of angels! wishing, carrying and holding rainbows.

[fanjodisfunction]

May this thread bring us luck and lots of support through the journey of life after the death of our little ones.

Ooh congratulations miasmummy that is such lovely news xxx

cheese great that Ella is doing so well

Congratulations miasmummy

Huge congratulations miasmummy!

Thank you everyone. It feels very unreal. December 10 is the due date, but that seems so far away...

Yay congratulations miasmum really pleased for you :)

miasmum that is fantastic news, really thrilled for you, im sure that Mia had something to do with it . We will all try and help you through the next 9 months.
fan what a bummer with the car, sometimes it really does feel like one thing after the other!!! Hoping that the fact you dont feel pregnant this month is a good omen.......how are the rat babies??
wtw yay for feeling baby movements, it can be so reassuring.
cheese Im glad for you that the test was negative if you are pleased and well done baby Ella for the fab weight gain.....wow!!!
I am afraid that I seem to have let the thread down and just can not stop crying over everything and anything. That must sound so ungrateful to you all, especially those of you waiting for a bfp, I am ashamed of myself. My beautiful baby boy is here (and he is so beautiful) and I am totally smitten and thank god every day so why am I so tearful?? We do have other things going on, house move and dh still does not have a job. Dont want to see or talk to anyone, didnt even bother putting my makeup on this morning as thought I would just cry it off again!! Gosh, maybe I will go upstairs and give myself a good slap when I sign off, pull my bloody socks up!!

Razz don t beat yourself up. We ve all been through a nightmare that us mentally very draining. Plus chuck in the old hormones cue many tears. Although I love my Phebs to death & are so very grateful she is here I still have days where I m so upset and distraught about what has happened. Maybe talk to your MW if you can relate to her??? Take care xxxx hope you feel better soon? Or your dr?
Brill news Miasalexandermummy xxx fab xxxxxx
Fan not a good weigh in last night only lost 0.5 lb!!! Pissed off however, trying to be positive it's still a loss & over all still lost 9.5 lbs. Know where I ve gone off plan a bit so back to it now!!!
Hope everyone's well? Busy here enjoying last week if freedom!!! Off for a photo shoot this pm & just had a new cot bed delivered!! Oh, my baby is growing!? love to all xx

razz the rat babies are fine they are very cheeky and are always after a treat.

angel I'm not expecting a good weigh in today. I will not be staying around for the chat after I feel to ashamed. I rode into work this morning 6 miles! And have to do that on the way back to, can't really afford the bus now that the car isn't going to be fixed untill thursday. So hopefully all this bike riding this week will pay off next week. I have one over on syns three times this week, just couldn't help myself!

razz big hugs. U are not ungrateful at all, having your beautiful boy doesn't change the fact that you still are missing your angel. I look at my perfect little rose and keep thinking of wether Grace would have looked like her or wether she would have had the same personality and then feel guilty as rose is her own person and I should be happy that she is here (probably explained that completely wrong and hope you understand what I am trying to say) having rose wad like a fresh stab of grief for the baby we lost, not thati would change rose for the world.

razzbe kind to yourself, you are not ungrateful or unreasonable and have nothing to be ashamed of. We have all been through utter hell and it's very damaging. There are days/times (yesterday afternoon being one of them) when I feel like I have no skin on, it's so raw, so sensitive, so huge. I was listening to a "Bobbie song" yesterday and crying, and then looked up to see the picture of her little hands on the shelf and almost felt suffocated. Sometimes its such an awful SHOCK that I have a daughter who died, who I gave birth too. I've held her little body. And I never can again. I almost can't believe that something so horrible happened to me, it feels unreal, but yet it hurts SO damn much.

Don't ever feel guilty about your grief for Thomas, it hurts because you love him. Love for our children never dies and that is wonderful, but at the same time the fact that they are missing will never stop aching as long as we live, and that is exhausting and draining.

I hope Samuel's doing well?

razz I liken my feelings for Mia to a see-saw. I have all these most wonderful feelings of love which soar to the sky, and then I have all the stabbing grief and pain to balance it out. It's hard to hold them both in my head, sitting there side by side. Sometimes, one is more dominant. And now you have Samuel, I can imagine how those feelings are redoubled in intensity when you think of Thomas.

I know I don't have much emotional resilience anymore. One bad thing, and then everything can often turn black and hopeless. Just as Angel says, we now ascribe 'luck' when normal things work out. We aren't like other people anymore. I just sincerely hope for you that all the other moving pieces in your life - your house, your DH's job, whatever else - calm down soon, and you can love all your boys without pain.

razz (hugs) I've been feeling the same way and had a hard time last night. It's still hard even with a new addition, it doesn't take away the loss. xx

Miasmummy wonderful news! Soo pleased for you :o

angel half a pound is still half a pound! It's good!

fan how did the weigh in go?

spilt I know what you mean about the shock and not believing it actually happened. It's very hard hitting at times x

We're good here, was hoping for nicer weather for half term but had a nice day. Dcs played in the garden this morning then came in for a film and popcorn followed by playing the wii and we've just had pizza for dinner. Was very nice too, I was starved! Rain has just started so need to find some indoor things to do!

Razz lots of wise words already. Just wanted to say you are not selfish at all. My being pregnant doesn't take away any of the grief or loss of Erin. Yes it gives me hope and something to look forward to. But it also comes with lots of complicated and conflicting emotions. I sobbed my heart out this morning because it hit me all over again, I suspect that will continue for many years to come. What has happened to all of us is so shocking and unbelievable we shouldn't estimate how bloody well we are all doing just to keep going every day. You are doing wonderfully Razz never forget that xxx

Ok back from the weigh in and I have lost 2lbs so alot better than I was expecting! So happy and Im determined to get a stone off for next week. I need to lose this weight Im sure its going to get me pregnant!

Well done Fan xxx
Today I ve been pissed off with Ant not having a job still, lack of money situation, returning to work next week & Phebs being a pain at a photo shoot & I so wanted a big bar of chocolate but I resisted !!! God knows how but I did!!!!
My stone will come off but not next week all being well tge week after!! However I have just tried my tunics on for work and are defiantly much looser!! Yeh
Well done xx
Oh forgot to tell you!! I , too, won slimmer of the week last week but didn t know to I saw it on our SW FB group!!! Got my certificate last night but no fruit bowl however I can live without that!!! Xxx

Yay well done Fan You and Angel are doing so well x

Sounds like a lot on your plate Angel Is Ant still in his temporary job? Are you back to work full or part time? I went back 3.5 days a week when K was 7 months old but was made redundant when she was a year old and had to take a new job full time. It is hard leaving them but you will soon get in to the swing of it I'm sure xx

angel i know what you mean by being tempted by the chocolate when your having a shit day. Ive been good today, not snacking even thoguh I wanted to, I really wanted a chocolate bar at lunch but I resisted to. and glad I did. I am going to get that stone next week. We shall do it together. I over heard some women at the group discussing one of the other members who joined to lose weight to get pg, fell pg two months later and stayed while she was pregnant and didnt put on alot of weight and is now (after the birth) losing more. So an insentive to me I guess that I can stay when I get pg, I think if you are pg you get to have more cheese and fibre. But obvisouly you would have to check with your doctor.

Ok, so wrote a message last night on my phone but for some reason it didn't post :(

Huge congratulations to Miasmummy - that is great news!

Razz - don't beat yourself up, it must be totally normal to feel the way you are - it is a hugely emotional time anyway, without all the added turmoil and mix of emotions as a result of what has happened. ((hugs)) to you though xx

Well done on your fab weight losses fan and angel - you are both doing really well x

Well, I think I have decided to 'stop' TTC for a few months (if anything happens, great but I'm not going to be cycle watching) - I just don't think I can cope with the rollercoaster of emotions at the moment, I really don't feel strong enough for it. And as much as i feel I need to have another baby asap, I don't think it would do me or DH any favours if I put myself under so much pressure for it, and it probably wouldn't help conception anyway I guess.

Even just admitting it on here, I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders - I am going to stop 'not planning' stuff just in case I get pg, I don't think it's any good for me at the moment.

I have been feeling particularly low just recently - I don't think coming back to work has helped, but also we have a lot of other stuff going on - house renovations, trying to sell our current house etc, that I feel under too much pressure, so I am trying to relieve some of that pressure a bit I guess

Ellypoo you have to do what's right for you & ttc is certainly very stressful. Take care xxx
Thanks Whatever ... I m returning full time , unfortunately, can t afford not to. However I ce carried over 45 hours of AL so on reduced hours for the first 6 weeks. I win t be doing evening clinics anymore so that ll ve better. Will drop my hours by 2 a week when I m back to full time have negoiated with my manager to do 8-4 mon, Tues, Thurs & fri. We do 8-2 on a Wed but normally because I ve done an evening clinic on Tuesday or Monday / Thursday ( if at different clinic) so I m dropping 2 hours a week to still finish at 2 on a Wed. I may price up dropping a day a week but loosing 2 hours a week us reducing my pay by £80 a month!!! We ll see. Also our trust is in dire straits finacially so if I do drop a day I know o won t be able to get that back in the future if I need it!!!
I have an interview for a managers post in GUM & family planning at the local hospital near my parents on 27 th April. They live in the Midlands we live in West Yorkshire. We do want to move there but I don t think I m quite ready to gp yet. I like my work here, my friends, my house etc... But Ant's all for going. He's still in temp work only attending lots of interviews but being piped to the post by people with more experience.so he's all for going. However if I was to get this post as it's a management role there's loads to learn & at the moment I m not in a work frame of mind I want to concentrate on being a mum. My job here is a piece of cake , they know my history are supportive etc... Whereas somewhere new I ve got to prove myself earn respect particularly as a manager.
Not making any decisions re; the interview to I return to work next week plus the presentation they want is a nightmare!!!!
So, quite unsettled at the moment
Hope you re ok?
Fan I got pg in 2009 when loosing weight (2 nd mc) however I m convinced loosing weight helped. Xx
Morning all: weather crap here!!! Snowing!!! What is going on???? Xxxx

angel yeah when I fell with ophelia I had just lost 10lbs. So I deff think it will help.

ellypoo I understand the strain of ttc, DH and I are trying to be relaxed about it, I generally know around what time I ov, so we target that time. I was using opk's but I get fed up of peeing on sticks! And well we wanted to relax a bit. I hope it works out for you, we have been at it two months so we shall see.

Well, no luck for me this month

ruede so sorry AF has come, stick you feet and indulge in chocolate.

Thank you everyone for your kind words of wisdom and support. Sometimes it feels like you are the only people that truly understand, maybe you are. People in RL think that now I have my baby that should be it, almost like one baby can replace another. Maybe I should be more tolerant, maybe you just have to have gone through what we have to be able to understand that it so doesnt work like that. Feeling slightly better today but can still cry at almost anything............
angel and fan big well done to you both. fan I fell pregnant with Thomas 2 months after enlisting on a boot camp and loosing just 8lb!! Lost more weight after delivering Thomas so am sure that was why I fell so quickly with Samuel......good luck.
angel sounds like a fab job, FP is my background though not at management level, has to be the right time for you though and only you no that!!
cheese, shakey and spilt, Im glad that you have all had your bad and teary days, that sounds mean of me but im sure you no what I mean.
wtw you are very right, we dont ever do ourselves justice for the simple fact that we are able to just carry on. We are VERY brave and strong ladies, we have all chosen to go through it again.
elly thank you also for your thoughts, the pressure of ttc can and is awful, time out is often all it takes........
rue sorry that the witch arrived
I have to run now as dreaded HV coming to weigh my little man.......

Thanks all for the kind wishes... First thing I did when I woke this morning was check the pg test monitor - yes, it said the same thing.

Congrats to fan and angel for the weight loss. It does make you feel so much better about everything, doesn't it?

elly sounds like that's the right decision for you, if even writing down your intentions makes you feel relieved.

We are driving to France tonight, leaving behind the cold, I hope. Shall be interesting as I try to avoid all the gorgeous food and wine without raising suspicions...

Elly sounds like having a break is the right decision for you.

Razz ((hugs)) be gentle on yourself x

Rue sorry this isn't your month xx

Mw appt tomorrow afternoon - can't wait to (hopefully) hear the hb again. Should mean I can relax over the Easter break. Excitement mixed with nerves though.