Just MC and ready to try again? Pregnant after MC and seeking somewhere safe to hide? Jump in the mosh pit for some serious metalling or settle yourself down in our padded cell. All welcome! (Part 19)

[Poppyjen]

Another new thread for some more serious metalling - we really are a chatty lot!

Here's to making it through the WTF cycle(s), metalling* like a teenager from the early '90s in the 2WW, BFP colds and other classic symptom spotting and hiding in the (nice and comfy) padded cell post BFP

If you have miscarried and are ready to TTC again, come and join us!

• For those currently wondering what our mosh pit antics have to do with ttc post MC, a fabulous typo in an earlier thread resulted in "mentalling" becoming known as "Metalling" - a far more fitting expression I am sure you will agree!

Welcome!

Hi all...sorry to all those that have had AF show over the past couple of days... How strange that you are all syncing in this way! (It's a sign, a sign I tell you!!)

Marbles How completely insensitive. That makes me so angry. Just angry!!!

Manda I'm so sorry you have been suffering and not said anything to us. This is why we are all here, be as whiney and self-indulgent as you want (although I totally don't agree that is what you are being :) ) I get the checking on your DS thing. The day I'd found out I'd miscarried (was going in for ERPC the next day), a close friend of DPs died very suddenly. I spent all night sleeping on DS's floor as I was sure that he was giong to die too. Because, the luck we were having that day, I just had to keep a close watch over him.

There may be some meds that you GP can prescribe but if you'd rather not go there (I take hardly anything as still bf-ing DS also) how about some relaxation techniques? Hypno-birthing?! Keep talking to us, if that helps, or somebody else. We have a place through work that offers free counselling for employees, their friends and family (pm me if you want the details) I hate the thought of you suffering in silence when you always offer such good advice on here (see above post and banning DP from certain indulgencies )

Well, I've told my boss today as am going to the mw on Thursday. Was unable to get an appointment for tomorrow when I am working from home (and can go in secret) so have to go to the drop in instead. I'm actually really nervous about going, and would prefer to wait another week or 2 Is that irresponsible?!

That brings the total number of people I have told to 5. DP didn't want to tell anybody until 12 weeks but I need them to know so that if things were to go wrong, I wouldn't have to tell them I "was" pregnant like last time. :( just don't tell DP! I also joined the ante-natal thread on here, but there are a few people spotting etc and I can't keep reading about it, as it brings it close to home again. I really feel for those ladies, I hope they are all OK, but I can't post on there in the same way I can waffle post on here

Well it is clearly world-AF day or something, as my own dear mystery aunt strolled in today too.

I have also avoided swimming (along with caffeine, alcohol and most other fun things!). Not chocolate beetroot brownies though :)

Marbles - I just don't have the words. [gobsmacked emoticon]

I have some sad but expected news. Last night I had my miscarriage. I am very tired and very sad, but also relieved it happened the way it did. I was at home, DD was asleep, no hospitals and drugs and loss of privacy. Right now, I am emotionally and physically drained. It has stirred up a lot of emotions that I did not want to repeat.

Also wanted to say to Manda, look into CBT, it Is not just about talking through what happened, but about giving you new strategies of thinking about it, changing your thought processes when they run on negative lines. X

Jaffa I'm so sorry, I'm also glad that at least it happened naturally for you. Look after yourself and take some time to get over, however long is right for you.

Oh Jaffa. Sorry to hear that you have miscarried. You have been very brave to handle this on your own, but hopefully it has not been as distressing as you expected. I hope that you will be back with us soon, in the meantime lots of love to you. Thinking of you.

And wishing your DD a very happy birthday...I hope you get to do something special with her. I find the innocence of little ones a remarkable healer xx

Oh jaffa I am so sorry. I have tears in my eyes here. Take good care of yourself and give that delightful DD a hug.

We are all here for you when you need us xxxxx

Huge hugs from here, jaffa.

Also seconding her CBT rec, the book I posted upthread (the slightly annoyingly named Feeling Good Handbook) is CBT-based and really brilliant.

Big hugs jaffa, am thinking of you, am sorry to hear your news, look after yourself, love Pie xx

jaffa so sorry for your loss its so so shite

Oh Jaffa sending you big big hugs from here - I know it was expected but that doesn't make it any easier or better. Take care of yourself and your DD, hope to see you back when things settle down a bit!!!!

Thinking of you at this hellish time. Xxxx

I am so sorry jaffa, thinking of you a lot today :(

Hoping jaffa is feeling a little better this morning. Dont rush it though, give yourself lots of TLC and hugs

I had a wobbly last night, i basically told DH that i dont have the energy to put myself through TTC anymore i said that the constant monthly disappointment of AF or CP is draining, i also said it was all my fault that this isnt happening, i am now 39 and feeling knackered with it all etc etc etc

He was upset that i am blaming myself, but what else can i do? It is my body that is either rejecting his wrigglers or rejecting the fertilised egg. He kept saying to wait for the results of the bloods (which i really should chase up) and give it one more year (till i am 40).

Am i wrong to be hoping that the blood tests say that there is something wrong and we should just stop TTC??? i am confused as i do want a baby but i also want to enjoy DS, move house, have nice holidays etc etc

where is blue with that strong coffee FFS!!

martha. i know how you feel a bit. sometimes i wish it would all go away and i didn't want children. but i do. my plan is to see what happens over the next two years until i am 34 (i know this is still young etc) but that then gives me an end date on the whole bloody mess. i am prepared to do what it takes to get a baby in that time though! even if it means going through another late mc.

this might be too hard for you but could you say you aren't trying anymore and just see whats happens over the next year. it might take the pressure off. i can't do that though! i am kind of trying to chill out and what will be will be but i am thinking about opks, lp, tww, af, ewcm etc everyday throughout my cycle. my friends who don't have regular cycles say chill out as they don't know when they ov or expect af but it's not easy when you know it's time to ov etc.

why not get the wheels in motion to move/go on holiday and do the things you want. don't let ttc hold you back too much.

i still haven't had a smiley face yet. maybe todays the day. after mentioning the cheap opks yesterday i dug one out that i had forgotten about, it just had a faint line which i believe means negative. i am starting to worry (quite irrationally) that i will never get the smiley face and never ov again!

Dear jaffa I'm so sorry. There's no 'winning' in these crappy situations but I am glad nature decided to take you out of limbo and you don't have to faff about with appointments two days apart and more waiting. Be kind to yourself my lovely. We're here if and when you want to 'just act normal' or talk about it.

Marth As you may well remember, I posted that kind of thing once per month... It's a self preservation thing; don't want it too much, or better still, don't want it at all and when you don't get it, it won't hurt, right?

And I SO get that 'be happy with what you have and start ENJOYING' thing - let me tell you, DS2 who is a NIGHTMARE sleeper, until a week ago still needing to be bf four (sometimes more!) times per night has suddenly started sleeping through! And, a couple of terrible tantrums a day aside, he's become much happier in himself. So, naturally our thoughts have become 'Wow, it is finally getting better and here we are about to start all over again!' What's that saying? Damned if you do, damned if you don't? Seems kinda apt

I started writing this hours ago - two tantrums (one DS2, one me) later and I'm just finishing up and imagine there will be other replies I've cross posted with...

Anyway. Just wanted to thank you all for your kind words/advice. I've had a little CBT years ago but the therapist felt it wasn't right for me (and I agreed!) so not sure if it's something I should try again... After another sleepless night (ironic, huh, DS2 starts sleeping through and I can't seem to capitalise on it!) I'm just feeling I want to sleeeeeeeep. LIke sleep will truly help. Ho hum. I'll just plod on for now and see if inspiration hits me.

Ah, pebs women get different 'fade in' patterns with opks - some will get virtually no line at all right up until their LH surges when they suddenly get a strong positive; others will get a faint line, say five days before their surge that will continue to darken each day to a positive. Others somthing slightly different still (gah to all being 'different' - sometimes I reckon it'd be great if we were all the same so we just knew what to expect). DIdn't you say you usually O around CD18? What CD are you now?

i usually start getting ewcm on cd 18. had it on and off since cd 12 this month though. temp rise on ff was a bit later maybe cd20 when i have bothered to temp. i am not doing it at the moment - the novelty has worn off!

i am on cd 18 today but only have two opks left. will do one after work today and tomorrow and see what happens. i know i will be dashing to boots on friday if i still don't see the smiley face. they are blooming expensive in boots though.

i am swi-ing like crazy so regardless of smiley faces ewcm i should catch any egg that decides to show up!

Pebs - I've started buying my opks from amazon. For the smiley face ones it's a whole tenner cheaper than at boots, and you can also order them to be delivered every month/2 months etc ( for which you get extra discount). Couldn't bring myself to have a " repeat" order set up yet though.

jaffa I am so very sorry you had to MC, but I am glad at least that you got the space and time to do so in your own way. You're a very brave lady and I hope it wasn't too traumatic or painful for you. Give yourself some time to grieve and treat yourself extra specially nicely, you deserve it.

everyoneonAF I'm sorry AF got you all, how very strange that you're all so synced. I now declare 31st January National AF Day. May the scourge stay away for you all next month.

IQ and blue on the subject of fanjo fingers - here I am on pregnancy four and the only internal I've ever had was to insert the pessary for induction with mini-toe (which wasn't painful but you know I've had a full term baby out of there now so it's like welly wanging down a wind tunnel ) If you find them painful, you don't have to have them. I'm glad mini-IQ has stayed put anyway so rest up and try not to worry.

pebspop I swim 3 times a week, I don't find it a issue in the downstairs region and it doesn't seem to scare away the sperms, so far.

martha I'm sorry you're feeling so crap about TTC. I do understand, ever since finding out it's my body that kills my perfectly good healthy babies I've been on somewhat of a downer about the whole thing and the chances of my getting another baby. I hate the whole fucking process. But we have to, right, because it's The Way. Maybe not the only way, but The Way all the same. I suggest an easier hobby than TTC. Marathon running or mountain climbing or something else easy peasy in comparison. I know

manda i just read that back - sorry if it sounded trite - i have a habit of letting my gob loose before engaging brain. yes of course a haircut will make everything all right

you get me though - yeah?

A hairdo might not make everything alright but it's a good enough place to start. There are some good hair deals on wowcher at the moment, might have just gotten me one of those. Especially as I have to miss out on the all the spa/massage ones.

marff I do getcha. I actually broke into a grin when you said 'poodle parlour' .

I think I do need some pampering - I've never been massive on going to the 'beauty parlour' or been great at getting my hair done regularly... but the last time I had my hair done was when I was 34 weeks pregnant with DS2... that's just over two years ago! And since the loss I've stopped doing my own pedicures... no more pretty toes for me. I really do feel I look crap and it doesn't exactly help improve my mood when it gets, shall we say, irrational.

Hmmm. DP would be more than happy to look after DS2 whilst I go to the hairdressers, and pay for it too... yet I just don't book it. Why?!

What are we, old or sumfing?!

lines yer stommick, does a sticky brick

Yeah I'm an old Granny have traditional taste in cake. I shall tell the MWs or my advanced age tomorrow!

Alright talk me down a bit. I'm in the mosh pit proper.

I am really sore, I have that horrid low down heavy dragging ache at the front and lower back ache - lots like what early labour feels like for me.

Aside from my pelvis falling to bits any symptoms I've had have been easing gradually over the last few days and now I feel fairly normal. I've been worrying a bit about feeling quite normal as during pregnancy with mini-toe I felt constantly awful, just never ever right. Though I suppose with DD I was fine and normal.

Help. Help help help, fuck.

Got the MW tomorrow, booking in, they won't do anything, of course. I've convinced myself I'm losing it.