Just MC and ready to try again? Pregnant after MC and seeking somewhere safe to hide? Jump in the mosh pit for some serious metalling or settle yourself down in our padded cell. All welcome! (Part 19)

[Poppyjen]

Another new thread for some more serious metalling - we really are a chatty lot!

Here's to making it through the WTF cycle(s), metalling* like a teenager from the early '90s in the 2WW, BFP colds and other classic symptom spotting and hiding in the (nice and comfy) padded cell post BFP

If you have miscarried and are ready to TTC again, come and join us!

• For those currently wondering what our mosh pit antics have to do with ttc post MC, a fabulous typo in an earlier thread resulted in "mentalling" becoming known as "Metalling" - a far more fitting expression I am sure you will agree!

Welcome!

SO sorry for all the AFs and BFNs :(
Looks like I have 2 new cycle buddies though :)

jaffa still thinking of you
iq I am shuddering at the thought of internals, gah!

AF made her unwanted appearance in the night. So WTF cycle was 26 days (my shortest ever) and LP only 10 days. While a shorter cycle gives more opportunities to conceive I don't want a LP defect to add to my woes!! If this new cycle is the same I guess i'll start on the B vits. Next time round.

so that makes me, tiago bonzo and farfallarocks all cycle buddies! FX for November bambino's

Morning all so sorry about AF arrival ladies

IQ trying not to think about internal exams, thought does rather make me shudder!! The 'investigation' so see if my cervix had opened at all before my ERPC was bad enough so I dread to think what it'll all be like at the start of labour, though at least then it will be for a positive reason IYSWIM!

jaffa thinking of you.

Right...need to do some work though actually want to fall fast asleep

And joining all my new cycle buddies on the AF bench - she showed up this morning for me too! :( GAH for all of us.

Ach, trying not to be too cross about it, it was our first month of trying so I didn't really have my hopes up. Also now I can drink wine on my work trip next week.

Hang on , I think I did that wrong. Now I can drink . Better?

sorry to hear about the bfns and afs.

i am still using my opks but no smiley face yet. i was planning to start using them yesterday but since i got a bit of ewcm last week i got giddy and started using them on friday. i think i will need another pack now to get me through this cycle - it's going to cost a fortune!

i am on a spa day on saturday and i think this is going to be around ov time. should i avoid the swimming pool or not??

Don't see any reason why you should avoid the pool (or anything else) - I think the only issue with spas is when you're actually pregnant, as getting too hot in saunas etc. can be dangerous.

oh dear! sorry for all those who AF has visited and for the BFNs too have some (even though its only 11:30)

i had a LOVELY text from my friend this morning when i got up it was a picture of her new pram she has bought for her accidental 4th pregnancy (shes 20 weeks) saying "hang in there you will be able to buy one of these in the future if you stay positive" so i must not have had any luck then as i havent been "positive" enough she is 100% aware of all of my issues too and seems to delight in the fact that she can apparantly get preg and carry her babies all the way but i cant...im in a bad mood now

jesus marbles what kind of insensitive prick sends a text like that on your behalf! sorry but that kind of thing really pisses me off.

my preg friend (who always just 'gets' pregnant sweetie) said to me 'ah well at least you are not like my friend who lost two babies at almost full term'

well yes - that is horrendous, and i know the friend in question and felt so terribly sad for her, but how unfair on the friend and me to even compare us FFS

First of all, GRRRR to all these Aunts turning up! Don't they realise they're not welcome? BUT. I do get a little kick that you're all in it together, literally. I love the way so many of you have synched together!

pebs - get iq to forward her left over cheapies to you! A) they DO work, honest, and you can use your digis to back up anything you think is a positive (so not pissing on a fortune!) and B) IQ has no use for them now as she mentioned upthread so... I reckon it's a winner! Even if she were a murderous stalker (and I really think not...) she's in no physical state to come and kill you at the moment and then once malteaser arrives she won't have the time/werewithall. What do you say ladies, huh, huh?

marbles that's so . I highly doubt she's truly casting aspersions - in her head she's probably being 'supportive'. It's most likely one of those 'if you haven't been there, you just don't know' things. I hope her pram is awful and falls apart! not really, but y'know

leedy Beetroot brownies? Beetroot?! I mean, carrot cake is one thing but... really? If I get an upset stomach again...!

I keep having raving sobbing meltdowns. Not mentioned them here cos... well. I just haven't. But I'm beginning to wonder about AND or if it's just that I still haven't processed what happened last year. I literally swing from stark raving frothing screaming mad to dispairing sobbing that I can't stop. In between I'm pretty flat with no motivation to do anything. Feck. I really don't wanna go to the doctor with this.

x post with martha I'm smiling that we both 'nibble' this stange confection...

marbles and martha I have no words, literally, what on earth possesses these people???

manda you poor thing, its of course understandable that you are getting wibbly - one all the hormones and two your pregnancy is a constant visual reminder of what happened last time and perhaps you did not fully 'deal' with it, not that I can see how one ever 'deals with' something like that happening to you. You are such a positive and kind and caring person and you have been going through all of this in silence. What does your DH say?

manda i echo far it is hardly surprising with or without all those hormones raging inside you that you are still grieving for your LO. You will always remember LO, i remember when i had my MC last year my dear aunt who had a MC 30 years ago burst into tears, she was distraught for me and said it brought it all back for her what i am saying is there will always be something that will put you to mind of it and you will have a wobble, sometimes more than others.

there now

actually leedy can you send me the recipe for the brownies - we have acquired a load of beetroot from our new allotment and DH wants me to do something with it!

manda i can sympathise with the outbursts i have had a few meltdowns recently and DH surely thinks im slipping off my perch hormones are a bitch and they make us have sometimes rather irrational outbursts (or at least me anyway)

manda keep talking to people as much as you can, whether it's on here or in rl. i rang the samaritans once when i first found out about second mc and they were really nice. they couldn't help with my problem but they listened and it was nice to speak without knowing the person. you can say what you want to them and they will never know who you are. it's not just for suicidal people as i once thought.

thanks for thinking about me with the cheapy opks but i tried them before and didn't like them. will stick to my clearblues for now.

marbles and martha i know what you mean my 'friend' was drunk at weekend and seemed to take delight in telling me i didn't know anything about babies, motherhood etc as i didn't have kids. she also said i was the only person who was free that night as i didn't have kids to look after(said in a way that made it seem negative that i can do what i want rather than have a baby to look after) - thanks for that 'friend'. my dh had to leave the room as he was getting really angry. she has been really supportive upto now but i am wary of telling her things again. i am not sure if these people realise what they are saying but they are dicks.

leedy was thinking about the swimming might upset any potential ov or swimmers. probably just being daft!

Beetroot brownie recipe for anyone who wants it! (they are really very nice)
www.rivercottage.net/recipes/chocolate-and-beetroot-brownies/

And manda can totally see how you might be emotionally all over the place - you've gone through a m/c then the new upheaval of pregnancy again, then when you add wild pregnant hormones into the mix...

IQ have a look on the pg threads. There are lots of women who refuse internal examinations (worries about infections, survivors of abuse, worries about avoiding over medicalisation and interventions and other reasons). Personally, I think that's a bit , apart from maybe the abuse survivors, but there are women who manage to have babies with far less poking about.

pebs Zita West is very anti swimming pools for getting preggers, something to do with the chlorine? There is a paragraph on it in her book. I have stopped swimming for that reason but must admit I am going back to it because I find it so relaxing :)

That's very odd, I've never heard the swimming thing anywhere else before (and got pregnant twice as a regular swimmer). I mean, it's not like you're actually douching your bits in swimming pool water, is it?

The day I ov'd with this pregnancy, I was pootling zooming around a racecourse in a petrol go cart, racing 11 other people. I came in 10th, shut UP! I don't think it's a recommended way of getting pregnant (just to be clear, we didn't copulate in the go cart! ) but I did joke the poor little zygote must have been thrown from pillar to post - shaken baby before it's even a baby!

But wrt swimming, pebs I think I'd be ok with it - I mean... none of the water is gonna get, y'know, inside is it? And so long as you have a good shower/bath afterwards to wash away any chlorine from the area then I can't see how it could be a problem. TMI alert coming up... DF likes oral. Giving it, I mean. But around the time of ov he was 'banned' as saliva kills off sperm and, yeah, it's totally in the area at the time of deposit! But to not go swimming some hours before would be a little over cautious although I could understand why you might wanna avoid Put it this way - if swimming is gonna make you anxious you're best avoiding. But if you can see the logic of it not getting where it would cause an issue and it's something that you enjoy/would relax you physically then that's got to be a positive thing.

So, me. Yeah, I think as much as I try to push it away, I am probably suffering from post traumatic stress to a more or less degree. I am still flashing back, particularly to when they were 'losing me' - it was a very surreal feeling and I keep somehow jumping there. Having lots of nightmares (not actually connected to that time - the one that woke me this morning DS2 had died in, though) I'm very anxious over DS2 - I didn't sleep a wink the other night when I said he'd woken several times in the night because as much as he only stirred/half woke I was on RED ALERT and convinced he was gonna throw up (apropos of nothing - other than vomiting makes me anxious?). I'm snappy, irritable and fly off the handle over ridiculous things, then cry and cry uncontrollably because I'm so 'horrible and can't control myself'.

I don't know what to actually do about it though. I seriously don't want to take meds (not sure if I even can with being pregnant and still bf DS2) and how does talking about it help? I mean... It doesn't change it. In my 'normal' every day self I truly think I'm grateful to still be here (although admit lately I am panicking about giving birth this time in a way I never have before ) I know it wasn't my 'fault', that my care was great... so how does talking about it stop me keep reliving it?

Ugh. I feel whiney and self indulgent now. FFS.

FWIW, re "not sure if I even can with being pregnant and still bf DS2", you almost certainly can if it comes to that. I took Lustral for PND/anxiety when BF, and was told that next time round if I start getting my crazy lady hormonal anxiety whirlybrain symptoms when pg I could start it again at a low dose. (weaned off it perfectly easily a year ago, total lifesaver at the time)

Also NOT WHINEY AND SELF-INDULGENT AT ALL. Seriously. That sounds like your anxiety is getting to the point where it's causing you serious distress.

Talking about it won't change what happened, but it can maybe help you come up with some ways to deal with the "bad thoughts" about it when they happen?

talking gets the problem out of your head and this alone can help you. this only works if you are a talk about it kind of girl. i defo am! i told as many people as i could about my mc's (friends/family - not random strangers!!) each time i told the story it helped me. i also attended counselling at my work. that was really good as the counsellor knew ways to deal with all the problems and worries i had. she really helped me to get through a tough time.

i would want to avoid meds as i am not keen on taking medication anyway.

i will see how things go at the spa day. if all my friends are swimming i probably will join in but if some hang around the side i will stick with them. i am sure they will think i am crazy if i say i am not swimming cause of ttc - none of them are mums, or even planning to become mums.

I will say that even though I had always been "not keen on taking medication", I would probably not be here TTC again if I hadn't had my anti-mad pills after DS was born. Counselling alone did not work for me and medication very definitely did (meant I got more than an hour of sleep at night and stopped actually pulling chunks out of my hair/howling/etc.).

Not saying that manda you're in that position (I hope), or that you definitely need them, but they're not an admission of defeat or a bad thing in and of themselves. They didn't make me feel "medicated", either, just back to myself while I dealt with things.

And re the talking/counselling route, this book is brilliant for dealing with anxiety and stressful thoughts - recommended to me by my counsellor and several friends!

www.amazon.co.uk/Feeling-Good-Handbook-Plume/dp/0452281326/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1328024501&sr=8-1

(sorry, I am going into Mad Advocacy mode, or something - let me know if I'm not being helpful!)