Aaaah Autumn...BESH style. Join the MAD and may your loins be fruitful.

[Ariesgirl]

Aaaah Autumn...

Season of jizz and menkul WOOFLing,
Close bosom-friend of the maturing ovaries;
Conspiring with him how to SWI and bless
With baybees the hags that round the thatch eves drink gin run.

Join with us in making this MAD season very fruitful indeed.

Yep, BettyBoo just buy a Basal Body temp thermometer. Can get from boots or order online - I got mine from Access Diagnostics and they threw in a load of pg and ov tests too. Taking Charge of Your Fertility is a great book on this but if you sign up for FF they do some great tutorials and it's pretty simple (and addictive) once you get going. I like it as helps me feel in control with my wonky cycles. Enjoy your stomp, am sat in office looking out the window at the sun and lil fluffy clouds and feeling v

Sorry about your back truffle sounds horrible, have a soothing winter pimms with hot apple juice.

Do I now need to worry about the moon? FFS hope it doesn't interfere with plans for seaside shagfest this weekend. Perhaps if I wrap my bits in tin foil until then? Was going to mostly eat brazil nuts and pineapple jiuce for the rest of the week (will believe anything I read online) but forgot and had diet coke and a minty marlboro for breakfast instead.

Love lovely new thread and am probably in wrong time period/ literary era but am heading out into the fens in search of a gamekeeper by the name of Mellors

OPK's have gone positive !!!!. Egg laying is imminent. I'm clucking like a battery hen on acid here.

Right, now to persaude MrGG that he'd really like to get up at 6am in morning to travel up to Leeds instead of going at a civilised hour in morning (have promised him steak, red wine and teh secks (natch).

Civilised hour after work - b'ah. Luteinising hormone has made me be bad at writing. Who knew. Acupuncture has worked without a single needle going in.

Ooops out by about a century can I bring him anyway? He can live in the gamekeeper shed?

Nice egg laying ladyG who knew the needles were so effective over distance and indeed time?

I knew you'd all jump ship & try & move house when I was away. Well, AHA! I haven't gone yet & have stalked you down.

truff you poor thing. That back mallarkey sounds awful. Gas & air is good though . Seriously, take things easy - I'm wincing on your behalf.

Sorry, can't remember who's having crazy short "droid" etc but head is right about me. To my absolute I threw a couple of major tantrums & hurled myself into the pit when "droid" didn't play ball. I'm now sitting here with my travel sickness bands & like my Nana have constantly got a packet of polos to hand.

ladyg get thee a shagging!

So, am off to pack for holidays. Or maybe just have a lie down first. Good luck with the MAD ladeez, never before has there been a more apt project.

We're synching GeeGee. I too have egg white. Unfortunately MrA is engaged in earnest discussions about fish stocks at present and the atmos is distinctly unsexual!

Hurrah for LadyG's eggies, and I heartily applaud your shag-plan. all that red meat and red wine - he'll be at you like a jackhammer

Can I please have a public meltdown? Yeah, thanks. Just been to Fat Club. In a fortnight in which I have been to the gym EIGHT times, each time coming out wringing with sweat on legs barely able to support my fucking preposterous weight, I have GAINED FOUR POUNDS. 'tis true that I have not stuck to the eating plan as well as I might, but trust, there has been no junk, no eating between meals, and unusually no boozing. I am in despair: I really am. What's the fucking point to any of it? And for those of you who haven't met me: no, I am not one of those fucking annoying women who happen to be a size 14 (oh noes!) but have a body-image problem: I am, in fact, obese. Not unpleasant looking, it is true, and possessed of a very nice nose, but obese nonetheless. So if anyone says 'Oh I'm sure you're beautiful/lovely/not that fat': I am, actually, and kindly remember this if we ever DO meet because the number of times people have looked me up and down and said "You're not what I was expecting" is actually quite painful to recollect . I have lots of parties coming up, and not only can I not wear any nice clothes, I can't BUY any nice clothes, because unless I want a fucking Evans kaftan, it ain't happening. Oh and you know what? Kaftans are quite short, and for the good of the public everything I wear has to be pretty much ankle-length.

Sorry, fellows . Imagine an entire lifetime of being the munter in the room, with the shit clothes and the double chin, and you will know my pain. I'm going away, drink a diet coke, and come back less angry and self-obsessed. Yes I am! Totally!

Oh Bangers :(. There's nothing I can say is there? Suffice to say I thought you were wonderful and looked fab. I said your voice wasn't what I was expecting tis true. I'm so sorry you're in despair and I want to make it better. That's all.

Oh Bangers. I know that going to the gym can initially increase your weight before you start to lose some, could it be that? If you always go that much then I'm not sure what's happening. Different ladies respond differently to different types of diets - you might find that cutting carbs may do it, or something like WW points, or SW green/red days may work better for you.

I don't give a flying fuck what weight you are or what you look like actually, I know that you have always been one of the funniest, most eloquent and supportive BESH on here. Which accounts for a lot over here anyway. .

I'm so sorry, that was shameful and I regret it already. I'm currently weeping but thanks for being nice and it's probably best to ignore such a screaming example of teenaged self indulgence. Thanks to you both.

I read - this recently. It's really confusing because we've been told for years that if you are overweight you should exercise to lose it. And now suddenly it doesn't work.

Heads weightloss is bizarre. I have seen other people at SW have times like that, where they seem to have done everything right but have gained. In my experience it comes right in the end. They quite often rock up the next week having lost a load when their body figures out which way is up. Do not despair, concentrate on your food plan, make sure you're eating enough and keep going. It will happen.

I have not met you in real life, but the photos I have seen are most pleasing. You can wear nice clothes, they are out there. I am always happy to browse the internet and help you locate suitable options that you could then go and see in real life.

I have at various times been a size 22, 20, 18, 16, 14 and (briefly and delightfully) a 12. Being beautiful and lovely has feck all to do with being fat. So while I won't tell you you're not that fat, as I don't know, I will tell you that you ARE beautiful and you ARE lovely. And also sexy and funny and downright fabulous. So ner.

HB as a battle weary fat club attendee can I make the following suggestions/ questions? Tell me to eff off if you like, feeling your pain! Nearly punched -satans- rosemary conley's little helper several times at weigh-ins.

1. Did you eat rice/ pasta/ cous cous yesterday? These all lurk in your innards hodling onto to water like billy-oh and weigh more.
2. If you are working hard in the gym have you gained muscle? I know it sounds like a cop out but it happened to me, lost inches gained pounds.
3. Even if the hard work didn't pay off this time it will by next time, sometimes it takes a few days and you got fitter and raised your metabolisn which all help.
4. I gained two ounds once just before a weigh in and to this day suspect it was all the water I had drunk in the gym. -bitch face- Class instructor wouldn't let me have another go after the biggest wee ever!
5. It does pay off and the slower it comes off the slower it goes back on.

Sorry your feeling so crap hope the diet coke has worked it's magic

Actually, I kind of lie about the 12. I was briefly a 12 in tops, dresses and A Line skirts. I don't think I've ever managed a pair of trousers that weren't a 16. I am the Queen of the Pear Shaped and have thighs that make rugby players weep. I better well sneeze this baby out as my reward.

And seriously Heads there are fab clothes out there in all sizes. Not in Evans of course, Evans is all polyester monstrosities. But in other places. I know women who are in the size 20+ bracket who always look fabulous. Quite often a damn site more fabulous than those who shop in Jane Norman.

HB no weeping allowed! I can feel your pain having done exactly the same thing myself. Its rubbish. What I found is that my body went into some kind of protest & clung onto my existing fat for dear life. Then, when it realised I wasn't going to stop the exercise or healthy eating it eventually gave up the fight & let go of some of the fat. I just took longer than I wanted. Keep at it, you've shown amazing commitment by going to your class.

BB is absolutely right about you being one of the funniest, most entertaining & supportive of BESH's. I've seen your pics too & you are far, far, far away from being a munter. In fact for that comment, I'm going to fish slap you.

(the skin has taken off & it has been fried in Fry Light, so I think that's free of syns too )

Just did my first wee test for LH and failed. Also have moral dilemma about the container used for the collection. muser I shoe horned myself slipped into a pair of size twelve jeanes today. Gave me a hilarious shape including back cleavage and what FDH described as a GUNT. Not quite there yet then.

Actually she's beautiful . I can say that because I have drunk San Miguel with her.

Everyone else has said what I would and said it better. Like Muse, I have been all sizes between 12 and 20 (at that point I went into De Nile and didn't buy any clothes for a million years, which can't have helped with the frumpiness). And I had to stop buying Vogue because not only could I not afford the beautiful garments, I would have looked insane in them.

Thank you all very much for being nice to me - your advice is all well-received and very helpful, and I'll take it all on board (including asking Muse to send me ideas for things to wear!).

I think my problem is that my weight now defines me: I think about it all the time, and to some extent project it onto what I assume others are thinking of me. A little while ago we were all having a good-natured moan about the women in our lives that we envy - the ones who get diffed easily, who are successful, etc. - and everyone who had that conversation ended on the trump card, "AND she's a size eight!". I know that, in our heart of hearts, this is how we judge other women (although truthfully, I don't), and it makes me feel panicked about meeting people. Because that's the yardstick for beauty and success: is she thinner than me. And 90% of the time, I will be heavier than you, and so the balance is always one of contempt or pity towards me, because whatever else I might have in my favour, I have committed the cardinal sin for a woman: I am overweight, and therefore I am worth less than you (the 'you' here is a general one: I'm not picking on anyone in particular!). Sure, I have a nice face. But so what? I'm fat. Maybe one day my novel will be published, but who cares? Everyone knows the only thing other women admire is how thin you are. I'll have a PhD by the summer hopefully, but fuck that, I'm wearing a size 16 cardigan.

Does that make any sort of sense?! I must sound quite, quite mad, and I promised to stop being insane and here I am carrying on. But I've heard the way people talk about weight, and what they value in women, and no-one ever says, "I'm so jealous of my SIL/colleague/best friend: she's the kindest person I ever knew/has the voice of an angel/was the youngest ever QC/won the headmistress of the year award". Nope, they say, "She's a size 8, the cow!".

I am using the BESH board as a sort of therapy tool, sorry. But I wanted to explain WHY this is making me so miserable. The fact that I am overweight makes me effectively worthless and contemptible, because over and over again women (including the BESHes!) have said "She's thin!" as, if it's the final arbiter or what's an achievement in a woman.

MrBitey I got into awful trouble with the OM for using a ramekin for my piss. "What if I wanted to make a souffle?!" he said, with an accompanying and rather camp hand gesture...

Bitey Am laughing arse off about back cleavage. That is quality but what is a GUNT pray tell?

HB I also put on weight when I first started going to the gym; twas muscle appearing that did it I think. Comfort yourself mightily with this scientific TRUFAX - the first fat any of us lose when we start doing the dieting thang is actually the really evil stuff which wraps around one's internal organs like a duvet. Therefore you may not see any external thinning for a bit but by jove, you've already done wonders for your life-expectancy and overall health. And overall health is the most important thing, is it not?

Keep going. It will get better and Bitey is right, the slower it comes off the more likely it is to stay off.

Owlshoes I am ashamed to say it out loud but is a bulgy area behind the flies but below the belly and derives its name from joining two words together the first of which is gut.

Byron would be mortified!

I can categorically state that I have NEVER said that lovelyhead

I can also categorically state, having met you, that you are a very beautiful woman and I actually thought you were lovelier in the fo' real than in the pics I have seen previously...

I also heart you for approximately a million other reasons. And your posts have made me want to cry.