Dreading Christmas - surely I'm not alone

[ThisWiseRobin]

As the title says, I hope I am not alone in living in dread of Christmas. This rising sense of panic starts about now and ends when I load them all on the train back to London on the 27th.
I have adult children, all in their 40s. They are well off (more than I could have ever dreamed of) and have very busy jobs.
Because the DH and I are retired, it's " Oh, good news. We are coming to you this Christmas".
Now, while most parents would be overjoyed, I struggle...the reason: VEGANS.

Not just your easygoing (is there such a thing) vegan, but no onions. Garlic, chives, nightshades (whatever the hell that is), no alcohol (including in the pudding), no nuts, no flour, no dairy.
I know you will think... well, make them bring their own food, but two travel by train from London and so can't really drag everything with them.
Last Christmas I really tried; I cooked beforehand, got the local bakery to make special mince pies, the local vegan cafe did some great salads and soup.

My son sniffed at the food and said, "I can smell garlic." - I felt my heart sink as I scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin.

I realise, as friends and my DH have said, ask them what they want to eat, buy it and tell them to cook it. But it's more than that - my husband is an absolute darling of a man and loves cooking and a traditional Christmas, but he is older now and a bit precious around his kitchen. So now the kitchen will be reduced to my daughter-in-law (who I love more than my next 3 minutes of oxygen) peeling endless potatoes and getting underfoot.

My biggest problem is that I am trying so hard to make Christmas joyous, and this requires me to keep the peace all the time. My daughter-in-law is incredibly brilliant but autistic, so she has no filter and just argues with everything she does not agree with. We do not share the same political ideas but hell's teeth she will not shut up. So certain subjects such as politics, religion, food and certain jokes are off the table. My son is incredibly docile and lets her have her way. Last year my DH said that he has never felt so insulted in his own home in his life....with the picking at the food and my son spending most of the lunchtime meal on the phone to his father back home.

Thank goodness my daughter, also a vegan but much easier to please, is coming - she helps me drink a lot more than I should, so things go a bit easier. My son-in-law is a carnivore like us and super easy to please.

I know what I have to do but I'm really on here to say.....anyone feel the same or am I making a massive pain in the arse for myself.

Book a holiday. Don't be there. Easiest way!

Yep what she said

sod that

I was about to say this! They're in their 40s, they can cook their own Christmas meal!

You have my sympathy - they sound like such hard work. I don't understand your son's problem with garlic - is he actually allergic? Intolerant? Or does he just not like it?

Stop being so passive. You don't have to do any of this.

This! I wouldn’t be catering for them. Your adult children are being very selfish and ungrateful making you do it all. Just say NO!

Let them come, but put them in charge of supplying and cooking Christmas dinner. It’s their turn after all. Tell them you are happy to go to the shop if they give you a shopping list, or they can send a Waitrose delivery to your house. Do not put yourself through the hell of bending over backwards for people who don’t appreciate it. Just drop the ball.

Or just go on holiday. I believe the Canary Islands are pleasantly warm in December.

I see three options for messages to your children;

1. we've booked a trip for Christmas, let's all have a lovely get together at one of your houses before/after

2. dad and I are getting on a bit and can't cope with the hosting anymore. Who would like to take over?

3. Many of you are incredibly picky, I spent ages shopping for, preparing and cooking food that you rejected with a sniff. It was rude, dismissive and I don't feel like hosting is sustainable in this manner. What do you suggest as an alternative?

These people are older than me, stop babying them, there's no need!

They all sound utterly joyless what a shame OP. I think they should be contributing if they are all so flipping fussy. Can they not come a day or two before, do a shop and then do the food prep for their own sad dinner while your DH prepares something nice for those who want to enjoy their lives?

I would be dreading it too OP they sound like bloody hard work.

Right guys this year just for a change we are all going out to eat. The cost will be ££ per person (please send me your deposit ASAP).
And they do a great vegan option.

Back to ours after for nibbles later. X

I agree with the first poster - just go away! No wonder they come to you - no one else would want them. And yes, I would tell them to bring their own food as you find catering for them so stressful. You really should be able to be honest with your own DC.

OP if you google vegan Christmas food to order there are a lot of options. Ranging from supermarket to fancy. I would ask your vegan children/children in law to do a search and order something for themselves to be delivered to your house.

Say you will happily cook any food that arrives for them, but you can’t be responsible for creating something that fits all their requirements as it clearly didn’t work last time.

Your opinionated DIL: trickier. I think perhaps asking your son to have a word and ask her to tone it down a little is the best bet. Does he also have ASD?

They aren't just vegans though are they? All those food restrictions is just crazily picky and I wouldn't entertain all of them.

Ok you tried outside catering being bought in, but id start now and see if any local restaurants do a decent Christmas dinner and offer vegan options that don’t include garlic. Go out for the main meal, book a sainsburys /M&S /waitrose delivery , get stuff from the picky bits ranges that are marked suitable for vegans. Perhaps email them the link “I’m doing a Christmas delivery from M&S, please pick 3 things you like the look of to go on the Christmas Eve buffet.”

I do understand you want to do the big feast thing, but it sounds like they don’t enjoy feast meals, food is an endurance rather than a joy for them. Therefore take the emotion out of it by going low effort, I guarantee that vegans with a long list of flavour dislikes won’t appreciate huge effort made and really won’t be disappointed with shop bought, “bung in the oven canapés” or restaurant food as long as there’s no triggers in it. They just need acceptable fuel not joyful food. Focus on spending time with your DCs not the food.

Sod that. Be honest about the fact that it’s a massive pain in the arse, remind them that catering to them means you get all the work and nothing you actually want. Remember it’s only food, not love.

Then either announce that you are going on holiday, or invite yourself to theirs and tell them that you expect a full traditional dinner please with all the roast meat. Because if you can cater to them, they can cater to you. Watch them splutter. No idea why people put themselves through these hoops.

I think this is a good observation - they clearly aren’t people who experience a lot of joy from food so maybe trying to force that isn’t working.

I can also see it from the other side - I love to host and put on a feast and do find it disheartening when you put on a fabulous spread which cost a lot of money and time for some guests to seem as though they would have been just as happy with something out of a packet. We have one like that too - I just ignore and carry on doing the things that bring me joy which, if I’m being completely honest, is to show off a little bit.

Yes you need to find your voice here OP. Don't just keep doing the same things over and over and being surprised no-one is happy. You don't have to tell the children that their dietary needs and political views make hosting them a nightmare, you can just say you simply don't feel like hosting Christmas this year. Can one of them have you all to their house instead? Or have them over to you on boxing day or for new year's or something - separately if need be?

The main flash point for your stress seems to be food and arguments/ politics, so if there is no reasonable alternative to you hosting Christmas day at your house maybe think of a way the focus can be shifted to enjoying the parts about having them around you do enjoy, so minimise the big dinner and sitting around the table talking part and do lots of activities such as going for a walk together or playing games and then watching a film or Christmas TV or something? Find ways for people to get a break from one another as well so maybe some people go for a walk while others play a game then all together for some presents then some watch a film while others go and kick a ball in the garden or something? Half the problems with family Christmases IME is that people who every other day of the year have very different interests and personalities suddenly have to spend 12 hours together uninterrupted and be very nice to one another, add lots of rich food and booze in and no wonder people are throwing the monopoly board at one another by 3pm!

Obviously if you are hosting you will have to feed them something but I certainly wouldn't be buying £80 salads only to put them in the bin ever again (that must have been some gilt edged salad!) - hard though it is as a foodie and keen cook myself you just have to accept there are some people who just need to be fuelled and will never enjoy or love their food whatever you give them. I'd buy supermarket fare and do a very plain / beige spread personally. Or better yet put them in charge of concocting a buffet between them, the ones coming on the train can do an online shop in advance for delivery to your house? Or go out for a meal or get takeaway of whatever food they find acceptable?

I know it doesn't feel like the traditional generous Christmas feast of your dreams to be eating supermarket nuggets or whatever it is they like to eat but the reality of adult kids is they no longer fall in with your wants and expectations and you face either compromising or not seeing them? If you and DH love more traditional cooking and hosting can you find another way to scratch that itch, host a lovely dinner party for friends or do yourself an indulgent feast for 2 with all the trimmings before/after the kids come?

Well at least you know what to ask for at xmas - a backbone

Sorry darling children, change of plans this year..... we are going away. See you in the new year!

(even if you don't, they are hardly going to visit, thinking you are away).

So a friend of mine bought and catered ger entire family Christmas from the shop Cook. Everything was pre made and she just stuck it in the oven. If I had such fussy house guests I would look at pre-made good quality stuff you can just serve up either cold or from the oven. You could even choose the items and send them to them for review before they come. Or say please select yourselves what you want me to get in for Christmas and I will buy it and serve it. Marks, Waitrose and Cook would have a lot of stuff like this you can just pick it up a couple of days before.

I think the answer is to remove yourself from the role of Christmas catering department! They’re all grown adults, so let them tell you exactly what they want and arrange it themselves.

Yep just checked, marks has a whole range, send the link to the kids and say select your menu and I will buy it and serve it, job done: christmasfood.marksandspencer.com/l/view-all-food/vegetarian-and-vegan

That must be very stressful.
I think i'd say: We are getting older and we find catering for complicated strict dietary requirements is becoming more difficult, perhaps it would be more enjoyable for you to bring/cook your own food or eat a restaurant with vegan options?

Just invite the SIL. Couldn't be on with such Christmas fun suckers.

This is what we are doing. @ThisWiseRobin Book a holiday for you both let them sort themselves out.