Dreading Christmas - surely I'm not alone

[ThisWiseRobin]

As the title says, I hope I am not alone in living in dread of Christmas. This rising sense of panic starts about now and ends when I load them all on the train back to London on the 27th.
I have adult children, all in their 40s. They are well off (more than I could have ever dreamed of) and have very busy jobs.
Because the DH and I are retired, it's " Oh, good news. We are coming to you this Christmas".
Now, while most parents would be overjoyed, I struggle...the reason: VEGANS.

Not just your easygoing (is there such a thing) vegan, but no onions. Garlic, chives, nightshades (whatever the hell that is), no alcohol (including in the pudding), no nuts, no flour, no dairy.
I know you will think... well, make them bring their own food, but two travel by train from London and so can't really drag everything with them.
Last Christmas I really tried; I cooked beforehand, got the local bakery to make special mince pies, the local vegan cafe did some great salads and soup.

My son sniffed at the food and said, "I can smell garlic." - I felt my heart sink as I scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin.

I realise, as friends and my DH have said, ask them what they want to eat, buy it and tell them to cook it. But it's more than that - my husband is an absolute darling of a man and loves cooking and a traditional Christmas, but he is older now and a bit precious around his kitchen. So now the kitchen will be reduced to my daughter-in-law (who I love more than my next 3 minutes of oxygen) peeling endless potatoes and getting underfoot.

My biggest problem is that I am trying so hard to make Christmas joyous, and this requires me to keep the peace all the time. My daughter-in-law is incredibly brilliant but autistic, so she has no filter and just argues with everything she does not agree with. We do not share the same political ideas but hell's teeth she will not shut up. So certain subjects such as politics, religion, food and certain jokes are off the table. My son is incredibly docile and lets her have her way. Last year my DH said that he has never felt so insulted in his own home in his life....with the picking at the food and my son spending most of the lunchtime meal on the phone to his father back home.

Thank goodness my daughter, also a vegan but much easier to please, is coming - she helps me drink a lot more than I should, so things go a bit easier. My son-in-law is a carnivore like us and super easy to please.

I know what I have to do but I'm really on here to say.....anyone feel the same or am I making a massive pain in the arse for myself.

And cook has a vegan Christmas range and so does Waitrose : https://www.cookfood.net/menu/christmas/vegan-friendly?srsltid=AU7gw4V_4FXlrI1Xxxms_a-uX2QH3CHhIfH6_WpvFEJabPNGy9PYxtZE

let them select what they want, you can order it in or even ask they order it to be delivered to your house. Seeing as they are coming by train then they can order it to be delivered to you and you can store it and then just stick it all in the oven on Christmas Day.

Or you could book a hotel in London if budget allows tell them you will be here have a Christmas at the hotel and your family can book or not it is up to them.

All the major supermarkets do plenty vegan Xmas starters, mains n desserts. Just do an order with a selection of starters , two mains and two desserts. My family are mostly vegan , although I am not, I find them easy to cook for. And love the vegan meals myself too. But as I said...don't stress...just order the food...put it out...each course has a choice and if they don't want it tough. Send them all a breezy text telling them ..I've order such n such from M n S, waitrose, Tesco or whatever...here's the list. So children if its not to your taste can you arrange for whatever u want to be delivered to me at my home
That's it! And forget it. End of. Take it or leave it! Be firm
When mine come at Xmas I make a delicious Vegetable Wellington..no garlic in that receipe either...not that that is a problem with my family Meat eaters actually request it. I have a selection of vegan n non vegan starters
I usually do a chocolate mousse for dessert...yes that's vegan.... and I also buy a vegan Xmas pudding...most are accidently vegan anyway with oatly or alpro custard, vegan brandy butter, alpro cream...easy peasy. And it is nice to think no animal cruelty involved
Please don't stress . Just do this and don't give the catering another thought ! X

I don’t think the veganism is the main issue though, it’s the fussiness around all the other ingredients - most pre bought things will contain staples like garlic and flour.

Reminds me of a girl I knew at uni - she was intolerant to gluten, dairy and refined sugar but for some bizarre reason also chose to be vegan ON TOP of this very limited diet.

OP you sound like the loveliest person but also ridiculously passive and as a result are being treated terribly by your children.

I am from a non UK culture but I cannot imagine any mother I know putting up with that and we would all be too terrified to act like that to our own mothers! You would be told very swiftly to cut it out. Your son on his phone during dinner? Your DIL thinking its ok to lecture you?. You need to lay down rules: cook yourself or no complaining, no political talk, no phones at dinner! Sorry but you are lovely but you need to woman up!

My friend once invited herself to dinner after seeing one of my dishes ( meat) I said no problem then she asked what day again we agreed then she stated would have to be vegan( vegetarian would be no problem) so I just didn’t reply, would have been totally different if she stated that before as prior she was a massive meat eater. My point is don’t be accommodating then for complaints go away for Christmas

Or… “Dad and I feel like being spoilt this year. So we are going to book into a Lovely London hotel and do Christmas where we can pop in to see you both! How lovely! We thought we could eat out for Christmas lunch too - do you fancy joining us?! “ and then if one of them offers to do Xmas lunch it’s even more of a bonus (though you might have to eat nutloaf if you go to DIL’s!!)

If you really want them for Christmas get the fussy eater to do an online shop and get it sent to you,. But they just sound really obnoxious and awkward I wouldn't want them in my house either, children or not.

I think you need to work out what you are willing to risk, and work backwards from there. Really talk this through with your dh until you’re on the same page and not just assuming how the other will be upset.

Are you ok with some or all of your guests having a snit and not coming? With losing your hostess role? With no one coming and having to head off on a sun holiday?

Figure out the worst case scenario and then map your strategy from there. I’d suggest setting house rules around the talking topics that are not permitted (or if you have to pussyfoot, figure out between you how to respond when they come up).

If you want to wriggle out from under the responsibility without being confrontational add garlic to everything because you remember your ds loves it so much. Offer a tube of squeezed garlic as an extra condiment (you may end up in a home for the bewildered which is why I said to start with the potential consequences)

They sound like spoilt brats.
OP do an assertive course between now and Xmas and read up on boundaries.
Secondly book the Xmas of your dreams ! Bugger everyone else.x

first answer nails it. and remember if you always do what you've always done......

You need to just speak up, why do people find this difficult.

One of my siblings is a vegetarian & went through a vegan phase, she cooked her own xmas lunch bits & myself and other siblings did the other stuff. Parents relaxed

Good grief, stop being such a doormat. Tell them no, go somewhere, and enjoy yourselves.

Stop being a martyr. It's your Christmas too.

I'll bet there is an element of them feeling they have to come to you for Christmas or you'll be upset. I know many people whose mothers are very sensitive about this and they may be making that assumption. Contact and say that this year you've decided not to host and you hope that is OK. It will be! But do it soon as they need to make plans

Gurrrl you have choices, you aren't happy with previous Christmas day shenanigans. Tell them. They can't drag it all in the train but they can get the ingredients delivered and cook it themselves. Tell them you're fed up with hosting. Or cook a joint the day before and they can cook theirs on the day.
Mobile phones at the table, that's rude, ask him to leave his phones in his pocket.
You don't have to do what you don't want to do.

Thinly disguised vegan bashing thread.
Onions, garlic, chives, nightshades, alcohol, nuts, flour. None of these foods are anything to do with being vegan, sorry, VEGAN 😡 and people often have good reason for excluding these products.

And why did you spend £80 on salad for two people?
And why does your DH being precious around his kitchen mean that your daughter-in-law will be peeling endless potatoes and getting underfoot?
Loads of people refrain from talking about politics, religion, food and are careful about the jokes they make.

As others have said, do something else for Christmas from now on.

This is insane. The fact that you are dreading Christmas in September! Tell them they must make their own arrangements for Christmas. Trying to please everyone is actually pleasing no one. The time of magic and fairy dust is over. Let your husband cook, or go to a hotel or whatever but it's your turn to hang up the apron.

You've hit the nail on the head really.

It sounds awful, OP - it's so lovely at Christmas to have the food you have chosen. They think they can have that with someone else providing it and they can't.

One thing they could do is treat you to a stay in a hotel somewhere - all of you together - where you can eat at the hotel restaurant and choose what you have to eat. They have the money and god knows you've hosted them enough times.

Either refuse to host or tell them to order their own food. It can be delivered to your house if they don’t want to bring it on the train.

These are all excellent options!

(plus they can pre order their food and get it delivered to you ! Saves lugging on the train)

Recommend picking the top 2 most annoying things and try and solve those!

I should add in self defence that I utterly love and adore my kids and their spouses. We talk on the phone all the time and I regularly visit London so we go out and they choose the eateries. We live rural which leaves us little choice and anyway not much point in a nice restaurant.
All year round every thing is great, it's just the food issue.
My old fella recently became a bit disabled and is slower than he used to be on his feet, and likes to be left at peace to cook Christmas dinner. I am happy to admit I have never cooked Christmas dinner in my life.

If it was not about the food it would be great....oh and politics or religion 😃

I disagree with most posters.

I am in my forties with two young children - with allergies and autism (sensory difficulties) between them.

Cooking/eating as a family is fucking hard work. It’s hard work every single day of the year. I just would like another member of the family to help share that and support me with it, but the fuss they make is a nightmare to deal with. I feel echoes of this in your story.

An example. Recently I let my mother make a birthday cake and she screwed up. It as the closest we’ve had to delivering an epi pen yet and my 8yo was so frightened by the reaction she suffered that she stopped eating food cooked by anyone but me for a while. Even after watching her granddaughter swell up like a trout, I still get all the aggro about dietary requirements from my family.

Yes allergies are different, in that they are a danger; but are they really? It’s still only about listening and caring about your family’s needs.

It is what is it. You either love them for who they are with their differences and challenges or you don’t. If you make it feel like they are a problem to you, they will soon start to believe it.

So, your options are:

1. book a holiday and don’t see them over Xmas. This is fine, by the way. It might suit everyone better?
2. Invite them but then actually be accommodating and respectful to their needs, and don’t treat them as whims/optional/a fad. If you need to ask lots of questions to do this, that’s fine. I promise they won’t mind. Be inquisitive.

My family consist of two vegans, one dairy intolerant, 2 vegetarian and two meat eaters. So I cook separaretly most days and have separate utensils etc.

So I cook a turkey breast and a ham for the meat people. Then a Quorn roast and a vegetable wellington for the others.

The vegetarians can eat the cauliflower cheese, so I do another with vegan cheese.
The roast potatoes - I do a pan with meat juices and a pan done in olive oil for veggies and vegans.
Pigs in blankets, and then there are veggie/vegan alternatives from any of the big supermarkets.
Sage and onion stuffing everyone can have (yours couldn't because of the onions so they must do without)
Make the vegetables and salads without onion and garlic and serve sliced red onion/spring onions in a dish to be added to the salads if they wish.

Gravy, I do a veggie/vegan one (Tesco Chicken granules are vegan believe it or not) and the meat eaters have the same but with meat juices added.

Desserts - most christmas puddings are vegan. Alpro custard or Elmlea cream for veggie and vegans, and a tin of Ambrosia custard for everyone else.

Any other dessert I get from M&S as they do good ones.