Dreading Christmas - surely I'm not alone

[ThisWiseRobin]

As the title says, I hope I am not alone in living in dread of Christmas. This rising sense of panic starts about now and ends when I load them all on the train back to London on the 27th.
I have adult children, all in their 40s. They are well off (more than I could have ever dreamed of) and have very busy jobs.
Because the DH and I are retired, it's " Oh, good news. We are coming to you this Christmas".
Now, while most parents would be overjoyed, I struggle...the reason: VEGANS.

Not just your easygoing (is there such a thing) vegan, but no onions. Garlic, chives, nightshades (whatever the hell that is), no alcohol (including in the pudding), no nuts, no flour, no dairy.
I know you will think... well, make them bring their own food, but two travel by train from London and so can't really drag everything with them.
Last Christmas I really tried; I cooked beforehand, got the local bakery to make special mince pies, the local vegan cafe did some great salads and soup.

My son sniffed at the food and said, "I can smell garlic." - I felt my heart sink as I scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin.

I realise, as friends and my DH have said, ask them what they want to eat, buy it and tell them to cook it. But it's more than that - my husband is an absolute darling of a man and loves cooking and a traditional Christmas, but he is older now and a bit precious around his kitchen. So now the kitchen will be reduced to my daughter-in-law (who I love more than my next 3 minutes of oxygen) peeling endless potatoes and getting underfoot.

My biggest problem is that I am trying so hard to make Christmas joyous, and this requires me to keep the peace all the time. My daughter-in-law is incredibly brilliant but autistic, so she has no filter and just argues with everything she does not agree with. We do not share the same political ideas but hell's teeth she will not shut up. So certain subjects such as politics, religion, food and certain jokes are off the table. My son is incredibly docile and lets her have her way. Last year my DH said that he has never felt so insulted in his own home in his life....with the picking at the food and my son spending most of the lunchtime meal on the phone to his father back home.

Thank goodness my daughter, also a vegan but much easier to please, is coming - she helps me drink a lot more than I should, so things go a bit easier. My son-in-law is a carnivore like us and super easy to please.

I know what I have to do but I'm really on here to say.....anyone feel the same or am I making a massive pain in the arse for myself.

This could be it. 🤷‍♀️

I think you’re misidentifying the issue a bit. It’s not VEGANS if most of the bother is around garlic, onions, nightshades etc! But I agree with other posters that you don’t NEED to do this every year. Perhaps they could take it in turns to host?

I don’t think your husband should be annoyed your son was on the phone to his dad on Christmas Day! We all have to keep being patient to navigate blended families, even when the ‘step children’ are in their 40s.

Whether your DIL continuing to challenge your politics is reasonable or not sort of depends what you and your DH’s politics are. Is it that she’s not letting you get away with saying stuff she or others might reasonably consider extreme / hateful / harmful, or do you have different views but both within the realm of acceptable!

but anyway, don’t cook if you don’t want to!

Your whole post consists of "but I love her/him/them more than life itself and more than the oxygen I breathe!" so not sure what you're asking, really. You obviously give the impression that you're perfectly happy for this to continue.

As pps said, make sure you're away next time. If you don't feel able to be straight with them, that's the only way.

Why blame VEGANS? Your adult children and especially the partner aren’t bloody awkward because they are vegan they are awkward because they are fussy, argumentative and rude.

I don’t think your husband should be annoyed your son was on the phone to his dad on Christmas Day!

the son was an utter prick making them all wait for their food. They should have started without him and let him have his cold.

Do people have no manners at all these days.

I’d push the difficult bits of this back onto the ones who are being difficult.

”Stepdad and I are getting on a bit now and we haven’t been able to enjoy the last few Christmases because of the food difficulties you’ll all remember from last year. So while we’d still love you to come, I’m letting you know now that we will be cooking a traditional turkey dinner for 2pm on Christmas Day. If you want a different meal, you’ll need to take responsibility for sourcing and ordering something you’d like, and have it delivered to us, and then you can cook/reheat it in the kitchen for dinner/supper later on. You can have a simple lunch at lunchtime while we eat the roast, and we can all have dessert and pull crackers together after that, then you can have your vegan/special meal in the evening while we dig in to the cheeseboard/trifle/Quality Street. That way everyone gets to eat their choice of main Christmas Day meal and there’s room for all of us to use the kitchen comfortably. If you think this isn’t for you, don’t worry, we won’t be offended. We’ll happily come to one of you for the day and enjoy having something you’ve cooked instead! Or we can all stay in our own homes and have a different tradition. We’re happy with any of these plans”.

It was the sniffing of the salad and it going in your bin that was enough for me. Absolutely do not host, as others have said, go away. Far away if possible, like a remote cottage in the Scottish Highlands that categorically only sleeps 2.

If I have fussy eaters over and that means any one who won’t eat what I cook then I ask them to bring their own food over. (Apart from people with food allergies obviously)
Can’t abide first world fussy eaters.

@ThisWiseRobin- as there are several days to feed people, it is ok to put some of it back on them to pick things. Yes many of the shop bought stuff won’t be suitable for someone who is vegan and won’t eat onions or garlic, but some might be. So you should definitely try the “I’m getting a delivery from M&S for Christmas bits, can you pick some things from the buffet range you would like.”

Another thought, does anyone else have the ability to host? Even if they can’t put everyone up? You might suggest that as you are retired and have far more spare time, you’ll be the ones to travel, and will book a hotel /air bnb nearby your dd, you’ll make a little holiday of it and look forward to seeing the lights in London etc.

You waited!?!?

I had signed off from this but your post has hit me right in the feels. How incredible kind and perceptive you are. I'm actually tearing up because you have pur into words what I am feeling.
My childhood around Christmas was awful and I always wanted to make the kids feel we were always there for them. You have just captured everything I want to say

Thank you 💓

Did he MAKE them wait, or did they just choose to?

I’m just gently suggesting that step parent / step children relationships can be difficult. A step father telling his wife he has NEVER BEEN SO INSULTED as someone being late for lunch because they were on the phone to a loved one on Christmas Day is not someone who is helping her create the joyful atmosphere she wants.

I don’t think your husband should be annoyed your son was on the phone to his dad on Christmas Day!

You are right, they all should have been annoyed he kept them all waiting at the table! My teens know better than that the rude git.

Literally last year I said "enough". My kids (in their 30s) are not picky eaters, in fact they're like human vacuum cleaners but feeding a three or four course meal to 7 adults and two young children is now too much for us. I've done it for 40 years almost without a break and I said I would stop when my mum died, well that was 8 years ago.

Instead, last year I invited everyone to a "help yourself" cold buffet on Christmas Day, it was so much more relaxed, we all got together exchanged gifts, ate, drank and played games and it was great. On Boxing Day we split into two groups for Christmas dinners in our own homes.

So maybe a cold buffet for their visit? If they don't like what you put out they can do without and you can have a quiet traditional Christmas dinner for just the pair of you on another day when they've gone.

If these people are all successful work wise then I doubt that they treat their colleagues like crap. This behaviour is a choice and you shouldn't tolerate it.

This is a great suggestion.

Put yourselves first for a change, OP. Bring on that roast and bat the decision-making back to them :)

I imagine the son didn’t choose to have his parents split up at some point in his life, and now he’s managing it as best he can, including making a phone call to the parent he’s not spending Christmas Day with (who may also have been hurt - who knows 🤷‍♀️).

I don’t think it’s helpful for the OP for us to argue the wrongs and rights of that in particular, but overall I think it’s a bit annoying for someone to be on the phone when lunch is ready, but you don’t HAVE to wait for them, and saying you’ve never been so insulted in your life is being very dramatic, which isn’t making the day better for your wife.

I am also always slightly suspicious of MILs who report their sons are just going along with bolshy wives for an easy life. He probably DOES agree with her politics more than his parents 🤷‍♀️

@ThisWiseRobin whatever you end up doing for Christmas, I hope you do something that a) you really enjoy! and b) you don't dread. Have a lovely Christmas 😊

Haven’t RTFT but if they don’t eat nightshades, spuds should be off the menu too. I would not cook for such people.

My perception here - and you have my utmost sympathy - I think it's not about the vegan thing per se - it's more about using the veganism as a form of control and punishment for your husband, as he is the one who usually does the cooking. Step-families have incredibly complicated and sometimes dark dynamics - I know as I was brought up in one and saw my mum punished on a regular basis by my step-siblings, who she gamely endeavoured to bring up as her own. To a certain extent even when grown-up, we're all still those damaged children and revert to that during times of stress and high expectations like Christmas. I feel so sorry for your husband - being insulted in his own home is not acceptable. You must feel so torn here.

Leaving the table to take that telephone call was incredibly rude and unforgiveable. I can completely understand why you're dreading a re-run this year. Somehow you need to assert yourselves - you've got plenty of time to think about it. How about being honest and telling them your husband is getting more frail and you're just not up to hosting this year. Maybe arrange a pre-Christmas get-together nearer them at a restaurant of their choice?

Tell them all to order food to be delivered and your husband cooks just for you too, as traditional as he likes it because it's his home.

Oh no don't worry
The kids relationship with their bio dad is wobbly at best. Stepfather is daddy. Gave my daughter away at her wedding when her dad forgot the date for eg.
My son simply dies not realise how rude it was and their dad is in a different country and a different time zone so difficult.
My sons wife went upstairs twice to call him down.
I will have a word this year and hopefully, thanks to all the lovely people on Mumsnet our Christmas celebrations will be less fraught in future.

I agree with you that step family dynamics are complicated - we’re making similar points there I think.

But I cannot get on board with the idea that taking a phone call on Christmas Day from another parent is UNFORGIVABLE. I’d forgive my children a great deal more than that!

That is now what the OP said and you know it.

The issue was taking a call when dinner was served.

I’m really glad to hear they have a good relationship with their step dad…. managing time zones makes it all the more understandable your son took the call, I think. I think it would have been fine to stick his plate in the oven and all crack on with your lunch!

I hope you manage to have a much better Christmas this year.