Dreading Christmas - surely I'm not alone

[ThisWiseRobin]

As the title says, I hope I am not alone in living in dread of Christmas. This rising sense of panic starts about now and ends when I load them all on the train back to London on the 27th.
I have adult children, all in their 40s. They are well off (more than I could have ever dreamed of) and have very busy jobs.
Because the DH and I are retired, it's " Oh, good news. We are coming to you this Christmas".
Now, while most parents would be overjoyed, I struggle...the reason: VEGANS.

Not just your easygoing (is there such a thing) vegan, but no onions. Garlic, chives, nightshades (whatever the hell that is), no alcohol (including in the pudding), no nuts, no flour, no dairy.
I know you will think... well, make them bring their own food, but two travel by train from London and so can't really drag everything with them.
Last Christmas I really tried; I cooked beforehand, got the local bakery to make special mince pies, the local vegan cafe did some great salads and soup.

My son sniffed at the food and said, "I can smell garlic." - I felt my heart sink as I scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin.

I realise, as friends and my DH have said, ask them what they want to eat, buy it and tell them to cook it. But it's more than that - my husband is an absolute darling of a man and loves cooking and a traditional Christmas, but he is older now and a bit precious around his kitchen. So now the kitchen will be reduced to my daughter-in-law (who I love more than my next 3 minutes of oxygen) peeling endless potatoes and getting underfoot.

My biggest problem is that I am trying so hard to make Christmas joyous, and this requires me to keep the peace all the time. My daughter-in-law is incredibly brilliant but autistic, so she has no filter and just argues with everything she does not agree with. We do not share the same political ideas but hell's teeth she will not shut up. So certain subjects such as politics, religion, food and certain jokes are off the table. My son is incredibly docile and lets her have her way. Last year my DH said that he has never felt so insulted in his own home in his life....with the picking at the food and my son spending most of the lunchtime meal on the phone to his father back home.

Thank goodness my daughter, also a vegan but much easier to please, is coming - she helps me drink a lot more than I should, so things go a bit easier. My son-in-law is a carnivore like us and super easy to please.

I know what I have to do but I'm really on here to say.....anyone feel the same or am I making a massive pain in the arse for myself.

No, it’s what the person I was replying to said??

But OP said that there can also be no flour, no onion, no garlic, a lot of supermarket vegan dishes will have some of these in.
This is about a whole extra level of pickiness on top of being Vegan.

How incredibly kind and perceptive you are. Stepdad has been daddy since they were young teenagers and has been the one they came to in trouble. But both the kids are loyal and very loving and have massive respect for tge older generations. Its tge way they were raised. Its one of the things I love about them both.
Stepfather has literally been the saving of them both while their father forgot birthdays etc and his own daughters wedding.
My 40 year old daughter sat in her Stepfather 's lap and cried, he cried along with her whike her new husband looked on helplessly
He is the best thing that ever happened to us all.
But thank you for raising the point, you were right to ask.

"Two travel by train from London and so can't really drag everything with them"

Oh yes they can, OP.

Pause

Yes they can.

Nods wisely.

Vegans bring their own food - you cook for yourself, your husband and any one else who wants to share your meal. If people want something else they organise it.

Bless you....you are so right, you made me smile there.

Have just looked up nightshades, so tomatoes, peppers and many spices too 😳. It really does take out a lot of what I would have turned to for vegan dishes.

I think you’re playing the martyr here. Difficult I know, but just say no, you’re not doing it.

Trust me it hurt but at the time it was a knee jerk reaction.....we've all had them. I won't be making that mistake again.😐

Its definitely food for thought. Not so much a martyr but trying to cover up for awful childhood around Christmas that I had.

This is the problem.

Vegan: ok. Being brutally honest, my heart sinks. But at least there are things you can buy in and someone else has done the hard work.

But once you have ruled out basically everything but veg, you are being an almighty pita to then cut out onions and garlic and nightshades, which, strictly speaking means not tomatoes, aubergines and in some cases even potatoes. These are all things that vegan recipes lean on to deal with the fact you can't incorporate much else.

Basically they eat fruit, mushrooms, nuts and greens? There isn't a hell of a lot you can do that is Christmassy with that. Maybe a vegetable soup with leek stock? Fruit salad to follow. I wouldn't be doing more than that quite honestly. People need to take a little responsibility for their own eating requirements once they pass certain easily caterable points.

And I understand the ASD thing up to a point, but she is an adult and is ASD not stupid. She needs to work on not mentioning certain topics.

Quite honestly, I think your and DH should grab your son in law, a pile of meat and other Christmassy grub, mince pies with flour in them and a large bottle of something alcoholic and accidentally lock yourselves in a room with no key and let the others get on with it.

With the help of AI that has its uses:

StarterGinger-Spiced Butternut Squash Soup: Creamy, warming, and naturally sweet
MainRosemary Roasted Cauliflower Steak : savoury , earthy, and deeply caramelised
Sides: Parsnip Purée & Maple Balsamic Brussels, roast potatoes, peas, beans and greens. Plus mushroom gravy
DessertCinnamon Baked Apples with Coconut Crumble and vegan custard

We've just done that, booked this week. Couldn't face xmas here.

Vegan custard sounds like something that oozes out of a zit.

The starter sounds quite nice.

The main is basically a lump of cauliflower.

But yes, do that OP - but don't feel you can't eat something more festive yourself.

Oh you do make me tearful. I'm of the generation who sucked it up and shut up. Only recently my doctors sent me to silvercloud which was incredibly helpful. Its too much to post on here but a very unhappy childhood , I can't blame everything on that. I need to get a grip. I have so much to be grateful for.

I don' think they can have the roast potatoes. Aren't they a nightshade family thing?

Vegan custard sounds like something that oozes out of a zit.

Whereas the main ingredient in dairy custard oozes out of cows' teats.

She is official. It makes her quirky, incredibly brilliant, able to deal with children in the most awful circumstances and still lift her head every morning. I love her to bits but it's hard for my generation who were taught to suck it up and shut up. She is one of the loves of my life.

What a bizarre comment. Have you some sort of fetish? Vegan custard is just custard made with plant milk.

Cauliflower steak isn’t a just a lump of cauliflower. There are loads of recipes online, some, shock horror, even by meat eating chefs, who obviously enjoy their food but aren’t challenged on the cooking front as you so sadly are. You clearly haven’t much experience if you’ve never made or had butternut squash soup.

It’s really sad when people are disparaging about food choices but don’t have much knowledge themselves.

If all the siblings are awful, surely you have to wonder how that happened? (cough, the parents)

Just tell them no, have your own Christmas how you want it.

That's a bit unkind

Go on holiday. Honestly Christmas away is brilliant. We spent one Christmas day on the beach eating pizza. If you can afford it stay away until after New Year. Not only is it completely hassle free you get a proper sun filled break. Set you up for J/Feb/ March, which I personally think are the most miserable months in the UK.

Yes you are absolutely correct. I am s terrible patent to try and create a happy Christmas for my kids. I should tie them to the Christmas tree and beat them with tinsel. They are f":;^ 40 and 45 they have developed thus shit long after they left my home.
But here goes.....putting my hairshirt on.

I do enjoy cooking and am not "challenged" in the least. But I do like things like eggs, milk and cream in custard. Plant milks don't have the same behaviours when thickening. I'm not sure that equates to a fetish.

I also like cauliflower, and it can be delicious, especially in risottos or soups, but a cauliflower steak IS essentially a lump of cauliflower.

People can eat what they like, but these are restrictive dishes for people who don't want to eat that way.

ETA and even squash soup is hard to get depth of flavour without onion and garlic in the background. Taking them out of vegan repertoires is quite restrictive.

The garlic thing is Buddist veganism....garlic burns your stomach yada yada