Dreading Christmas - surely I'm not alone

[ThisWiseRobin]

As the title says, I hope I am not alone in living in dread of Christmas. This rising sense of panic starts about now and ends when I load them all on the train back to London on the 27th.
I have adult children, all in their 40s. They are well off (more than I could have ever dreamed of) and have very busy jobs.
Because the DH and I are retired, it's " Oh, good news. We are coming to you this Christmas".
Now, while most parents would be overjoyed, I struggle...the reason: VEGANS.

Not just your easygoing (is there such a thing) vegan, but no onions. Garlic, chives, nightshades (whatever the hell that is), no alcohol (including in the pudding), no nuts, no flour, no dairy.
I know you will think... well, make them bring their own food, but two travel by train from London and so can't really drag everything with them.
Last Christmas I really tried; I cooked beforehand, got the local bakery to make special mince pies, the local vegan cafe did some great salads and soup.

My son sniffed at the food and said, "I can smell garlic." - I felt my heart sink as I scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin.

I realise, as friends and my DH have said, ask them what they want to eat, buy it and tell them to cook it. But it's more than that - my husband is an absolute darling of a man and loves cooking and a traditional Christmas, but he is older now and a bit precious around his kitchen. So now the kitchen will be reduced to my daughter-in-law (who I love more than my next 3 minutes of oxygen) peeling endless potatoes and getting underfoot.

My biggest problem is that I am trying so hard to make Christmas joyous, and this requires me to keep the peace all the time. My daughter-in-law is incredibly brilliant but autistic, so she has no filter and just argues with everything she does not agree with. We do not share the same political ideas but hell's teeth she will not shut up. So certain subjects such as politics, religion, food and certain jokes are off the table. My son is incredibly docile and lets her have her way. Last year my DH said that he has never felt so insulted in his own home in his life....with the picking at the food and my son spending most of the lunchtime meal on the phone to his father back home.

Thank goodness my daughter, also a vegan but much easier to please, is coming - she helps me drink a lot more than I should, so things go a bit easier. My son-in-law is a carnivore like us and super easy to please.

I know what I have to do but I'm really on here to say.....anyone feel the same or am I making a massive pain in the arse for myself.

I feel ya, can you invite them for specific days and have them leave early or arrive late? Then it's just one or two days of fun, and you can try have Christmas day as you like it?

I think it's worthwhile saying that trying to cater to everyones needs is getting overwhelming for you and you need to slow down a little!

Why do women do this to themselves? It's September, it's warm. We are not even in proper Autumn.
Xmas is 24 hours in the dead of winter. It's dark at 3. 30.
If you are a Christian, then it's different, it's about faith and a simple message.
The rest of it is utter nonsense.

Yeh I definitely still want my child coming for Christmas when they're 40 but I wouldn't be pandering to full grown adults that sniff at an expensive meal that you've custom made for them and refuse to eat it.

'That's great. We'd love to see you any time you want to come. I had to spend a lot of money on our last Christmas meal and I still didn't seem to get it right. Can I ask that it's a 'bring and share' and you bring along whatever you fancy this time. I'll put a couple of bits out but they might not all be completely free of any meat/alcohol/onions/garlic/joy. Love you lots'

Tipping that amount of salad in the bin because one person said they can smell garlic is pretty insane. I’d have snapped, well don’t eat it then!! and kept it for whoever did want it (me for a start).

You can’t complain your adult kids walk all over you if you’ve been behaving like a doormat all their lives.

My siblings are in their 40s and I am slightly older. My parents always come to visit one of us and we (all of the siblings) make Xmas dinner. We split the work between us so we are all responsible for a part of it. Our mum and dad bring a pudding and mince pies. I absolutely would not have my mum having the pressure of having to cook for us all. Your kids are all adults and they have a responsibility to make it happen practically and socially. Not for you to carry the load. All the best x

Just say you’re not hosting because they keep refusing the food. They’re your kids and you can be honest with them. It sounds like the main issue is your son… he can absolutely pack and bring all his own food. I travel London to Yorkshire frequently and take food. All it requires is a cool bag and some ice packs.

I do not do christmas under any circumstances. The family know this - I had this battle years ago. Adult kids etc.
I work full time in medical and don't have the energy at this point in my life near retirement. I just want to be left alone.
Christmas is for the christians only and I am not one of them.
We had this argument many years ago and I stuck to my guns, I take care of my parents and do nice things with the rest throughout the year but other relatives have to do christmas because I'm not.
I don't have grandchilren so Idon't have them to worry about.
I cannot kill myself over one day.

Bloody brilliant.

One day in the dead of winter.

Hideous.

Gosh OP this is a tough read, and sorry to say it but your son sounds incredibly entitled. I'm 41, the eldest child and now that we have small children we invite my parents and father in law over to ours for Christmas, as feel it's our turn to put on a spread. They're all brilliant, and ask what they can bring/contribute, whether that's the alcohol, pay in advance for the turkey, provide all the cheeses/chutneys/picky bits, and they help clear up afterwards making the whole day feel like a family affair. In the past when we would go to my mother in laws she would always get in a special side she knew I loved, and I was so appreciative for her thoughtfulness. I assumed most households and families with manners operated like that. I would expect that any vegan, particularly those with additional specific requirements, are gracious when others keep their requirements in mind and don't show up with the air of entitlement that you've described. I don't think you should have to book a holiday as others have suggested, especially if you want to be in your own home, but asking them to provide their own options would take the pressure off you.

You sound so lovely. There’s a line between loving your children and being a doormat.
I’m vegan, as is my adult daughter (their granddaughter). We visit my French in-laws at Christmas, and I simply order my own food online in France and have it delivered. I also make a vegan main dish for the family meal. I work full-time in London and travel over by Eurostar, so it’s perfectly manageable.
You can politely ask them to make some adjustments. Their behaviour is only as bad as you allow it to be. Enjoy your family at Christmas, you’re allowed to set boundaries. Good luck!

Oh good lord. Just say they can come for a ‘second Christmas’ in the days after, bringing with them (or at least giving the ideas for) a watery joyless meal. Then, on Christmas Day you feast like normal people.

First comment nailed it as ever …
Last year my DDs and I went to my Dsis for Christmas dinner. She forgot to put the pigs in blankets in the oven and had a breakdown over what really amounts to a fancy roast dinner. We’d done all the food shopping together as I was trying really hard to make it as stress free as possible. After her Christmas Day crying, I woke up Boxing Day and booked this! https://www.cunard.com/en-gb/find-a-cruise/H701/H701
I paid it off through the year, the trip is is DDs & Dsis Christmas gift and I’m not sure that I’ve ever looked forward to a Christmas quite as much!

Completely different scenario in our case but I do feel your pain as yes, I'm also dreading christmas this year. In our case, I definitely do have the ability to say what I do/don't want, it's more that it will has the potential to be a bit joyless for various reasons.

Having said that, DH and I have been talking about what we can do to make it better and have a few ideas becuase his family's shittiness shouldn't negatively impact our Christmas and we both feel that. It's hard though becuase we love MIL and want her to have a good christmas too and if we just said we aren't coming (which we'd love ot do) that would really ruin it for her. So it's walking that line between saying what you need/want, and accomodating the other people you genuinely do care about which gets challenging.

It reminds me of Blackadder 2, when the Puritan aunt and uncle visit and all they eat is turnips.

We catered for my partner's new friend - a vegan - last Xmas. We incited her to us because she'd otherwise be alone. We made a massive effort to cook an entirely vegan Xmas Eve dinner and all meals on Xmas Day (frankly, I found it all a bit joyless, but there you go).

She went NC with my partner a few months ago... (On the upside - we don't feel obliged to invite her again, hurrah!)

Invite yourself to their home this Christmas. Tell them you fancy a change & looking forward to being spoilt with a lovely Vegan dinner they've prepared. If that's not an option then tell them you want a quiet Christmas at home & you'll see them over the festive period at some point then you get out of having to cook the Christmas dinner.

What do they eat usually op? A vegan diet with no flour, no garlic and no onions is quite tricky.

I would say to them that you’ve decided to celebrate Chinese New Year instead and they can all come to you for the weekend, but it’s too difficult hosting at Christmas due to all the different dietary requirements.

Then, I’d find myself a beautiful church in which to celebrate Christmas and have a nice quiet lunch with dh with all the trimmings.

OP I Know I’m incredibly late to the party here and that you’ve basically been given a lot of friendly and helpful advice (for the most part, you are going to get one or two bad eggs pardon the pun).
I too DO NOT understand the garlic thing though as garlic and ginger have been used for centuries (longer actually) as natural curative ingredients… bizarre.
i think you and your DH are doing an AMAZING job at wanting to keep the family happy and together at Christmas. But quite frankly your kids are taking the p*…
I’m a fussy eater because a lot of what gets served to me makes me feel physically unwell due to health conditions (not allergies) so I just tell anyone and everyone to make whatever they intended to make but don’t be offended if I can’t eat it. So sometimes I’ll go and just have the bread that was with the soup, or a plate of veggies minus the main event, I always make sure I have had a good sized snack before hand and I know this sounds weird but I carry a few easy things in my handbag like dried fruit, nuts, cereal bars, just in case.
I DON’T have an allergy and I am an ADULT - two things I think
are really relevant in your case too. Theirs is a lifestyle choice- mine is more medical based (in that I feel really unwell if I eat certain things, my body just can’t process them, but I realise this is MY body being tricky and MY issue to try and keep on top of so I have to handle it). I thinks your kids and their partners need to realise the same and do the same as they are the ones creating issues here and guess what? They are grown ups!
You and DH have done A LOT to support their whims-time to stop now and shift the focus a bit more on to what YOU want! If that’s a Bailey’s for breakfast so be it!
I don’t think you need a backbone btw that was a bit unkind, and you can’t get an anti-Mum head and heart transplant- you just need to be a bit selfish! Consider it a Christmas present to you and DH; you are giving yourselves (at least!) a day of selfishness for Xmas. That’s what you’ve asked Santa for. and then MAKE SURE YOU DO IT! You more than deserve it!
Side note- I used to do Xmas dinner for all even though I was the youngest (apart from my cousins) because I LIKED cooking and doing it. Then as people got older and trends changed suddenly there’s vegetations… ok I can cope… vegans… a bit tougher but I shall deal with it… then no wheat/gluten/alcohol etc etc etc- at that point I opted out. It was just TOO much for people just making lifestyle choices- now I categorically WILL NOT make the whole lunch- but more than happy to cook and bring desserts that everyone can eat for example (that’s my personal best lol). Maybe you’s can try something like that? Do Americans call it a “potluck” or something? I’m not sure.
Sorry for the lengthy post I just wanted to reassure you that you and DH have done soooo much already, you’ve got nothing to feel sorry for, you’ve not been remotely unreasonable, in fact you and DH have been incredibly amenable and generous and kind- yous should be proud and just relax and enjoy the day! Support and love sent your way 💐

I dont do Christmas at all, I go away instead this year im off to Venice I'll be back in the new year.
Last year I went to Thailand year before home year before that India.

Even when I have stayed at home I have a good deep clean on Christmas day starting with a good declutter on Christmas eve.

Take yourselves away to a nice hotel for a few days. Don’t be there. Problems solved!

Some of these people sound like an absolute nightmare 😭 Let them sort themselves out like the adults they are and stop setting yourself on fire to keep others warm!

I used to work in a hotel. One morning the guest came down for breakfast,a fabulous buffet style affair with something for everyone. There was also the option to choose something a la carte like an omelette, porridge or gluten free pancakes and toast. We as staff took allergens very seriously; a designated toaster for gf bread together with a separate cutting board,ditto the pan we warmed the pancakes in. This particular morning one of the guests asked about our gf options and I explained that we have gf bread and that the sausage was gf by default .They then went on to order the gf toast( no sharing of customers toaster) pancakes. She thanked me graciously ,telling me that not everywhere is so accommodating when it comes to people with allergies. A little while later I saw her unwrapping a muffins ( not gf) and was about to take a bite when I leapt across the dining room and explained it contained gluten. She looked at me quite startled and replied " I know,I just fancied a change".

Can’t they order their food to be delivered at yours ready? Then prepare it themselves. Sorry I haven’t read the full thread.

I completely endorse all of this.

FWIW, when people are like you and say to just excuse them if they decline, it is so much easier than when they get all sniffy, and normally I think I do manage to accommodate them quite well in the end but it stops me feeling I can't ask them in case I get it wrong.

Sounds horrendous! I absolutely would not be cooking for them & I'd tell them now, in fact I'd leave the country

If your husband isn't as fit just say that! You aren't hosting this year, simple as