Dreading Christmas - surely I'm not alone

[ThisWiseRobin]

As the title says, I hope I am not alone in living in dread of Christmas. This rising sense of panic starts about now and ends when I load them all on the train back to London on the 27th.
I have adult children, all in their 40s. They are well off (more than I could have ever dreamed of) and have very busy jobs.
Because the DH and I are retired, it's " Oh, good news. We are coming to you this Christmas".
Now, while most parents would be overjoyed, I struggle...the reason: VEGANS.

Not just your easygoing (is there such a thing) vegan, but no onions. Garlic, chives, nightshades (whatever the hell that is), no alcohol (including in the pudding), no nuts, no flour, no dairy.
I know you will think... well, make them bring their own food, but two travel by train from London and so can't really drag everything with them.
Last Christmas I really tried; I cooked beforehand, got the local bakery to make special mince pies, the local vegan cafe did some great salads and soup.

My son sniffed at the food and said, "I can smell garlic." - I felt my heart sink as I scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin.

I realise, as friends and my DH have said, ask them what they want to eat, buy it and tell them to cook it. But it's more than that - my husband is an absolute darling of a man and loves cooking and a traditional Christmas, but he is older now and a bit precious around his kitchen. So now the kitchen will be reduced to my daughter-in-law (who I love more than my next 3 minutes of oxygen) peeling endless potatoes and getting underfoot.

My biggest problem is that I am trying so hard to make Christmas joyous, and this requires me to keep the peace all the time. My daughter-in-law is incredibly brilliant but autistic, so she has no filter and just argues with everything she does not agree with. We do not share the same political ideas but hell's teeth she will not shut up. So certain subjects such as politics, religion, food and certain jokes are off the table. My son is incredibly docile and lets her have her way. Last year my DH said that he has never felt so insulted in his own home in his life....with the picking at the food and my son spending most of the lunchtime meal on the phone to his father back home.

Thank goodness my daughter, also a vegan but much easier to please, is coming - she helps me drink a lot more than I should, so things go a bit easier. My son-in-law is a carnivore like us and super easy to please.

I know what I have to do but I'm really on here to say.....anyone feel the same or am I making a massive pain in the arse for myself.

Therapy for your own self could be helpful re your own pitiful childhood. There is no need to make everything perfect and perfectionism is itself a problem in its own right. You just end up putting unnecessary pressure on yourself.

And certainly didn’t need to put £80 worth of salad in the bin because someone griped about it. No need to be a doormat to them.

Definitely go on holiday.

There was no vegan bashing. Cool your beans!

What? So all that food you bought him went to waste and he didn’t even have the decency to sit at the table? That’s appalling- I would invite anyone, not even my own son, into my house if he treated me like that.

I would buy ready-made vegan nut roast in for them or encourage them to supply their own if they're being so difficult. Spoken as a 'semi-vegetarian' who does bring her own set of food needs, I'm as polite & flexible as I can be with it. They sound tiresome - it's one thing having a dietary preference and another thing going in a sulk because they don't like what YOU have cooked. They sound very ungrateful and immature.

Also, don't understand the no garlic thing. What's that got to do with being vegan?

And has your DIL been formally diagnosed as being on the ASD spectrum?. If not I would assume she is instead both rude and self absorbed which is due to her personality.

Even travelling by train they should be capable of bringing some food with them in a coolbag. Why don't you tell them you will provide the side dishes and ask them to bring whatever main dishes they want to eat. Or they can order food that matches their specific needs to be delivered to your house. It shouldn't all be on you to feed such picky, ungrateful people. Or run away for Christmas....

Dear God, you’re an absolute saint. That’s a ferocious amount of work.

Yes, I agree. And why tip £80 worth of salads 'with a sinking heart' in the bin because the middle-aged son didn't like the aroma? There were five other adults in the house.

Just another over-dramatised MN narrative.

Yes, they're travelling by train, not on donkeys.

Because the DH and I are retired, it's " Oh, good news. We are coming to you this Christmas". Now, while most parents would be overjoyed, I struggle...the reason: VEGANS.

Sorry, my mistake.

OP
re your comment:
"I should add in self defence that I utterly love and adore my kids and their spouses"

That's great but they are clearly not treating your H and you with the respect you deserve or even expect to have. Would you tolerate this from a friend, probably not so do not any longer tolerate such from them even though they're family. They are more than capable of preparing their own food for Christmas within their own home.

Sounds ghastly op. I hope you come to some compromise here not by you I hasten to add. You have bent over backwards and they are ungrateful and unkind. Christmas should not be like this and should be enjoyed by everyone. I would be honest and say to them:-
I feel I am struggling to please everyone with the cooking, has anyone got any suggestions how we can make this work. I am happy if others want to take over the cooking.

She’s allowed to say that she struggles because of their food requirements.

Bless you. You and your husband are quite right to feel frustrated by people coming for Christmas who sound like they make it really difficult and are picky and ungrateful. Absolutely put yourselves first and decide what you both want to do.

Its ok to say that you and your husband have decided to just have a low key Christmas and just enjoy some peace and quiet and time for you to both put your feet up with no houseguests and nobody whinging about the food you have spent time and money on.

It doesnt sound like your children have made previous Christmases easy or enjoyable for either of you. They should be more considerate as you are both in your seventies and your husband is disabled.

Have a sit down with your husband and set out between the two of you what you want your Christmas to look like. I hope this helps you feel a bit better and sorry some people on this thread havent been particularly nice.

@WhatNextImScared "It’s actually not that difficult and many of us are managing this every day of the year."

Really? At the age of 70? I'm 69 and nobody in my peer group is still having to cater for 6 people every day of the year. Let alone 6 people all with different dietary requirements. Sorry if that's your life, but it isn't the norm.

you scraped food in the bin because your offspring turned up their noses? Did you raise them to be like this?

The food requirements are too much. Get ahead of this: where are we going for Christmas dinner? and be adamant that you aren't hosting.

You could really drive home the point and go away for Christmas.

Grandchildren coming?

they were utter gits last time and DIL sounds awful.

I would avoid having food with them at all costs and stick to short visits away from home so she can be insufferable to everyone else after you've gone.

OP they are treating you very badly. You can be a vegan and still have some manners. I agree with PP who think that you should sack this sorry affair off. It sounds like no matter how hard you'd try these difficult people would find fault in your efforts.

Exactly.

Not sure what you do about the food but, after one too many family fallouts, my (now departed and very dearly missed) MIL made the rule that anyone discussing politics, religion, immigration or other controversial topics during high days and holidays (and certainly at Christmas) had to do so in the garden. If she caught anyone at it, she would make a loud “UH!” sound and then look meaningfully towards the patio doors. She enforced it rigorously but with good humour and charm and honestly it really worked! People are far less inclined to rant about the government if they have do so standing in the drizzling rain, rather than sitting comfortably with a glass of wine in hand….

Of course she is. But she says in one post that she wishes her DIL (I think) would eat a burger. There are loads of vegan burgers on the market but most contain garlic or onion so it's not the fact that the DIL is vegan that is the problem, it's the other restrictions. Perfectly possible to make a burger or whatever else excluding the foods listed but I can completely understand why she doesn't want to/feels overwhelmed/taken for granted.
The thing is is to find a solution and not say that she is dreading Christmas because of vegans which is factually incorrect. She is dreading Christmas because the people coming are selfish and thoughtless according to what she has written and she is not looking for sensible solutions.

I have a slightly similar family dynamic. I won't go for Christmas any more. Weak parents and entitled offspring and the fact no one really wants anything to change has led to me doing the only thing I can: not go. It, like in the OP's case, has nothing to do with vegans. It's just easier to blame people who follow a plant-based diet than address the real issues.

Normal, polite people with massive food restrictions bring their own. a) to be sure and b) not to be a pain in the fanny to someone kind enough to host them.

The son talking to his dad? utter prick. I would not have waited (but i'm mean and i would have chucked his phone in the soup

It’s about time they started hosting you OP! Bring it up now. It’s absolutely fine to say “We’ve done our time, it’s time for you lot to take over.”