Page 3 | Dreading Christmas - surely I'm not alone

Original poster

ThisWiseRobin · Yesterday 15:01

Tel12 · Yesterday 14:51

This is insane. The fact that you are dreading Christmas in September! Tell them they must make their own arrangements for Christmas. Trying to please everyone is actually pleasing no one. The time of magic and fairy dust is over. Let your husband cook, or go to a hotel or whatever but it's your turn to hang up the apron.

I love this. I came on here expecting to be called ungrateful and be pulled to pieces. Instead I got understanding and some straight talk which I really am grateful for.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThisWiseRobin · Yesterday 15:04

So plan is:
A phone call to the kids
What to i buy for them to cook. Vegetables are safe.
I will buy.
They will cook.
I will go to Mass with the old fella and the dog on Christmas morning.
I expect Baileys and mince pies when we get back.
My husband will cook the meat.
They can do the rest.

I'm calmer now. 😍

OP posts:

WhatNextImScared · Yesterday 15:05

MiffyPurple · Yesterday 15:01

My family consist of two vegans, one dairy intolerant, 2 vegetarian and two meat eaters. So I cook separaretly most days and have separate utensils etc.

So I cook a turkey breast and a ham for the meat people. Then a Quorn roast and a vegetable wellington for the others.

The vegetarians can eat the cauliflower cheese, so I do another with vegan cheese.
The roast potatoes - I do a pan with meat juices and a pan done in olive oil for veggies and vegans.
Pigs in blankets, and then there are veggie/vegan alternatives from any of the big supermarkets.
Sage and onion stuffing everyone can have (yours couldn't because of the onions so they must do without)
Make the vegetables and salads without onion and garlic and serve sliced red onion/spring onions in a dish to be added to the salads if they wish.

Gravy, I do a veggie/vegan one (Tesco Chicken granules are vegan believe it or not) and the meat eaters have the same but with meat juices added.

Desserts - most christmas puddings are vegan. Alpro custard or Elmlea cream for veggie and vegans, and a tin of Ambrosia custard for everyone else.

Any other dessert I get from M&S as they do good ones.

Exactly.

It’s actually not that difficult and many of us are managing this every day of the year.

Original poster

ThisWiseRobin · Yesterday 15:06

Namemechangey · Yesterday 14:16

And cook has a vegan Christmas range and so does Waitrose : https://www.cookfood.net/menu/christmas/vegan-friendly?srsltid=AU7gw4V_4FXlrI1Xxxms_a-uX2QH3CHhIfH6_WpvFEJabPNGy9PYxtZE

let them select what they want, you can order it in or even ask they order it to be delivered to your house. Seeing as they are coming by train then they can order it to be delivered to you and you can store it and then just stick it all in the oven on Christmas Day.

This is really kind but I suspect that these recipes will contain onion, garlic, or nuts, gluten or some alcholhol.

OP posts:

Venusunbroken · Yesterday 15:07

If they are in their 40s are you in your 70s? I think it’s ok to say to them you struggle with the dietary requirements, and could they pick out items from Ocado or something and you will have them delivered. Ask one to cook all tne vegan stuff and your husband to cook the traditional bits.

or all go out somewhere that serves vegan food.

MummyOre · Yesterday 15:07

MissingMeadow · Yesterday 13:48

Stop being so passive. You don't have to do any of this.

Absolutely 💯 this!!

RosaNovella · Yesterday 15:09

"Oh, good news. We are coming to you this Christmas".

No thank you, we are having a quiet one alone

Federica1864 · Yesterday 15:10

Swissmeringue · Yesterday 13:53

I see three options for messages to your children;

we've booked a trip for Christmas, let's all have a lovely get together at one of your houses before/after
dad and I are getting on a bit and can't cope with the hosting anymore. Who would like to take over?
Many of you are incredibly picky, I spent ages shopping for, preparing and cooking food that you rejected with a sniff. It was rude, dismissive and I don't feel like hosting is sustainable in this manner. What do you suggest as an alternative?

These people are older than me, stop babying them, there's no need!

This.

Im afraid you are being unreasonable for being such a doormat. My mum would tell me where I could stick my vegan salad if I turned up at her house and behaved like this. And rightly so.

Original poster

ThisWiseRobin · Yesterday 15:12

minipie · Yesterday 14:00

OP if you google vegan Christmas food to order there are a lot of options. Ranging from supermarket to fancy. I would ask your vegan children/children in law to do a search and order something for themselves to be delivered to your house.

Say you will happily cook any food that arrives for them, but you can’t be responsible for creating something that fits all their requirements as it clearly didn’t work last time.

Your opinionated DIL: trickier. I think perhaps asking your son to have a word and ask her to tone it down a little is the best bet. Does he also have ASD?

No he's just realised the best way to have a quiet life is to zone out. Its not as bad as it sounds on a day to day basis. He's excruciating introvert and is happy in hiw own world. Exceptionally clever, just can't be arsed to argue.
My DIL would be the first person I would call in an emergency. She is faithful and living to a fault. If she would just eat a burger !!!

OP posts:

Original poster

ThisWiseRobin · Yesterday 15:16

WhatNextImScared · Yesterday 15:05

Exactly.

It’s actually not that difficult and many of us are managing this every day of the year.

Show quote history

I understand that many of you manage daily and hats off to you. I'm 70, my husband is disabled, he cooks but can't manage although he tries.
Also none of this is allergies which you can't avoid, this is their own choice and just not liking something.
Anyhow enough said. Ive got the help I needed, thanks

OP posts:

AllIwantForChrismasIsAKitchenAidStandMixer · Yesterday 15:16

redboxer321 · Yesterday 14:49

Thinly disguised vegan bashing thread.
Onions, garlic, chives, nightshades, alcohol, nuts, flour. None of these foods are anything to do with being vegan, sorry, VEGAN 😡 and people often have good reason for excluding these products.

And why did you spend £80 on salad for two people?
And why does your DH being precious around his kitchen mean that your daughter-in-law will be peeling endless potatoes and getting underfoot?
Loads of people refrain from talking about politics, religion, food and are careful about the jokes they make.

As others have said, do something else for Christmas from now on.

The issue is being vegan AND having all those restrictions

Lomonald · Yesterday 15:19

I understand you love your family but it sounds bloody chaos, and no fun for anybody. You can only change what you do, you are never going to please them and I also think your husband deserves a bit of peace in his house/kitchen.

TheDogsMother · Yesterday 15:20

Urrgghh just don’t, it sounds utterly miserable and this is not how Christmas should be. ‘DH and I are taking a break/going on holiday/ lunching with friends (delete as appropriate) so let’s have a pre Christmas lunch. Perhaps you would all like to choose the venue so you know the food will be to your liking’

Original poster

ThisWiseRobin · Yesterday 15:20

ZaraCC · Yesterday 14:22

OP you sound like the loveliest person but also ridiculously passive and as a result are being treated terribly by your children.

I am from a non UK culture but I cannot imagine any mother I know putting up with that and we would all be too terrified to act like that to our own mothers! You would be told very swiftly to cut it out. Your son on his phone during dinner? Your DIL thinking its ok to lecture you?. You need to lay down rules: cook yourself or no complaining, no political talk, no phones at dinner! Sorry but you are lovely but you need to woman up!

Bless you. Thank you for thinking I'm nice. But a doormat....sure.
Lots of unhappy childhood stuff comes through and I want them to have good times.
But I know it's ridiculous as they are adults and fully cooked.
You are very kind too.

OP posts:

Daygloboo · Yesterday 15:21

ThisWiseRobin · Yesterday 13:44

As the title says, I hope I am not alone in living in dread of Christmas. This rising sense of panic starts about now and ends when I load them all on the train back to London on the 27th.
I have adult children, all in their 40s. They are well off (more than I could have ever dreamed of) and have very busy jobs.
Because the DH and I are retired, it's " Oh, good news. We are coming to you this Christmas".
Now, while most parents would be overjoyed, I struggle...the reason: VEGANS.

Not just your easygoing (is there such a thing) vegan, but no onions. Garlic, chives, nightshades (whatever the hell that is), no alcohol (including in the pudding), no nuts, no flour, no dairy.
I know you will think... well, make them bring their own food, but two travel by train from London and so can't really drag everything with them.
Last Christmas I really tried; I cooked beforehand, got the local bakery to make special mince pies, the local vegan cafe did some great salads and soup.

My son sniffed at the food and said, "I can smell garlic." - I felt my heart sink as I scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin.

I realise, as friends and my DH have said, ask them what they want to eat, buy it and tell them to cook it. But it's more than that - my husband is an absolute darling of a man and loves cooking and a traditional Christmas, but he is older now and a bit precious around his kitchen. So now the kitchen will be reduced to my daughter-in-law (who I love more than my next 3 minutes of oxygen) peeling endless potatoes and getting underfoot.

My biggest problem is that I am trying so hard to make Christmas joyous, and this requires me to keep the peace all the time. My daughter-in-law is incredibly brilliant but autistic, so she has no filter and just argues with everything she does not agree with. We do not share the same political ideas but hell's teeth she will not shut up. So certain subjects such as politics, religion, food and certain jokes are off the table. My son is incredibly docile and lets her have her way. Last year my DH said that he has never felt so insulted in his own home in his life....with the picking at the food and my son spending most of the lunchtime meal on the phone to his father back home.

Thank goodness my daughter, also a vegan but much easier to please, is coming - she helps me drink a lot more than I should, so things go a bit easier. My son-in-law is a carnivore like us and super easy to please.

I know what I have to do but I'm really on here to say.....anyone feel the same or am I making a massive pain in the arse for myself.

A lot of ppl I know go to a restaurant. They stopped cooking years ago. And ppl pay for themselves. Then coffee and a bit of cake and drinks back home later. Everyone getting merry and no washing up. Sorted.

MauveLibrary · Yesterday 15:23

Good grief..they sound like incredibly hard work. Let them select food they want to eat and let them pay for it and arrange delivery and they can then cook it. If your husband is quite happy puttering in the kitchen with the turkey and veg thats fine..but neither one of you should have to pander to picky fussy eaters who then whinge at you. Mass for you and your husband and dog sounds peaceful.
Alternatively message them and let them know you and your husband are wanting a quiet Christmas and arent hosting.

Original poster

ThisWiseRobin · Yesterday 15:24

NoctuaAthene · Yesterday 14:07

Yes you need to find your voice here OP. Don't just keep doing the same things over and over and being surprised no-one is happy. You don't have to tell the children that their dietary needs and political views make hosting them a nightmare, you can just say you simply don't feel like hosting Christmas this year. Can one of them have you all to their house instead? Or have them over to you on boxing day or for new year's or something - separately if need be?

The main flash point for your stress seems to be food and arguments/ politics, so if there is no reasonable alternative to you hosting Christmas day at your house maybe think of a way the focus can be shifted to enjoying the parts about having them around you do enjoy, so minimise the big dinner and sitting around the table talking part and do lots of activities such as going for a walk together or playing games and then watching a film or Christmas TV or something? Find ways for people to get a break from one another as well so maybe some people go for a walk while others play a game then all together for some presents then some watch a film while others go and kick a ball in the garden or something? Half the problems with family Christmases IME is that people who every other day of the year have very different interests and personalities suddenly have to spend 12 hours together uninterrupted and be very nice to one another, add lots of rich food and booze in and no wonder people are throwing the monopoly board at one another by 3pm!

Obviously if you are hosting you will have to feed them something but I certainly wouldn't be buying £80 salads only to put them in the bin ever again (that must have been some gilt edged salad!) - hard though it is as a foodie and keen cook myself you just have to accept there are some people who just need to be fuelled and will never enjoy or love their food whatever you give them. I'd buy supermarket fare and do a very plain / beige spread personally. Or better yet put them in charge of concocting a buffet between them, the ones coming on the train can do an online shop in advance for delivery to your house? Or go out for a meal or get takeaway of whatever food they find acceptable?

I know it doesn't feel like the traditional generous Christmas feast of your dreams to be eating supermarket nuggets or whatever it is they like to eat but the reality of adult kids is they no longer fall in with your wants and expectations and you face either compromising or not seeing them? If you and DH love more traditional cooking and hosting can you find another way to scratch that itch, host a lovely dinner party for friends or do yourself an indulgent feast for 2 with all the trimmings before/after the kids come?

Thank you for your supportive post. You and most others here are so right. I need to stop trying to please everyone and realise that food is not a joy to them. I need to stop trying.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThisWiseRobin · Yesterday 15:25

67789d · Yesterday 14:08

Well at least you know what to ask for at xmas - a backbone

Ouch.

OP posts:

thetinsoldier · Yesterday 15:26

’I felt my heart sink as we scraped £80 worth of salads into the bin’ - WTF?

That makes you sound like a passive-aggressive martyr. Why should you throw the salads out? Everyone else can eat them!

If there’s no garlic in there, tell your son so.

If he’s in his 40s, why is he on the phone to his dad during dinner? Tell him to put his phone away.

I’d be honest. tell them just what you have said here. So either they can come with their own food or they don’t come.

Woman up.

Original poster

ThisWiseRobin · Yesterday 15:27

Yupstillhere · Yesterday 14:45

Gurrrl you have choices, you aren't happy with previous Christmas day shenanigans. Tell them. They can't drag it all in the train but they can get the ingredients delivered and cook it themselves. Tell them you're fed up with hosting. Or cook a joint the day before and they can cook theirs on the day.
Mobile phones at the table, that's rude, ask him to leave his phones in his pocket.
You don't have to do what you don't want to do.

Its worse than talking at the table, he went upstairs while we sat and waited and our food got cold.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThisWiseRobin · Yesterday 15:29

redboxer321 · Yesterday 14:49

Thinly disguised vegan bashing thread.
Onions, garlic, chives, nightshades, alcohol, nuts, flour. None of these foods are anything to do with being vegan, sorry, VEGAN 😡 and people often have good reason for excluding these products.

And why did you spend £80 on salad for two people?
And why does your DH being precious around his kitchen mean that your daughter-in-law will be peeling endless potatoes and getting underfoot?
Loads of people refrain from talking about politics, religion, food and are careful about the jokes they make.

As others have said, do something else for Christmas from now on.

I knew if I came on the most judgemental site on the Internet there would be one.
Congrats it's you.

OP posts:

couldsleepforayear · Yesterday 15:29

@ThisWiseRobin it’s supposed to fun, and it’s not for you.

hire a private chef for the day (ask well-off kids to cover the cost, they can choose the menu) or
just go away on holiday over the Xmas period and don’t host at all. Go with them or without them but NOT self-catering.

If you dread it. Change it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · Yesterday 15:34

I would go on holiday for the Christmas period and let these people cater themselves. You will in all likelihood otherwise have a repeat of last years crap behaviour from them. Do not be the all encompassing host here.

redboxer321 · Yesterday 15:34

ThisWiseRobin · Yesterday 15:29

I knew if I came on the most judgemental site on the Internet there would be one.
Congrats it's you.

Show quote history

Just pointing out some facts and asking some relevant questions.
Rather do that than be a professional martyr.
And my point stands: You say you're dreading Christmas because of... VEGANS but it turns out your son is so rude that he can't even pay you the curtesy of being at the dinner table when the food is served. And you wait for him? A son you presumably had at least some hand in raising.
Have a moan if you like but don't vegan bash and do something about it so you're not on here next September posting the exact same stuff.

Original poster

ThisWiseRobin · Yesterday 15:34

Hello everyone
Thanks for all the great tips and advice.
I realise I am a doormat , that's possibly from my own pitiful childhood and my need to make everything perfect.
Yes I spent £80 on salads, there were 4 salads for 2 people plus soup at a special vegan restaurant that did me a takeaway.
I have no backbone, but I realise that this was said to wake me up.
We should go away but are pensioners and Christmas is double the cost.
This was not a thinly veiled attack on Vegans as one poster suggested but just a cry for some sisterhood....
Thanks all of you for caring.
I'm going to go now, I have all the ideas I need and will talk through with my husband.
Bye for now.

OP posts: