Our guests are hinting that they are going to stay longer than wanted ! How to find the words?

[Duvetdaysaregood]

Guests invited until tomorrow. Been here since 23 rd with general idea to go between c mas and new year.

Heard one lot say to another , oh how long are you staying.? . they replied ..oh maybe till the new year. ..

I could not just holler .. what ..?? From a distance across kitchen.

So , said to them later , what did you say about stating longer .. ? They shrugged it off and changed the subject
I said i needed to know . Evasive .

I repeated that we needed to know for food etc and they just said oh well we could get food .

I have had this before and struggled .we live in a beautiful area of natural beauty where people go on holiday and they do relax .

anyone had this before ? If so , do I need to directly say please leave ..and if so how ! Without causing offence ?
They know
us well and I am struggling to ask them to go . If i say we have other guests due , ( a lie and dont want to lie ) I think they would just say oh no problem , we can all muck in , offer to sleep on camp bed if bo room .. I jusy want ghem to go .

I’m still boggling at the extremely long list of negatives re this boyfriend.
He’s a nasty braggart, extremely greedy and selfish, a shoplifter and a fraudster, ridiculously competitive, is involved in MMA though he sounds like lessons in Gregorian Chant might be more beneficial, has a father with serious addiction issues (unspecified) who comes as a guest for a week, in lavish circs, yet doesn’t even buy a round in the pub, and who feels at ease as a guest in dismissing the hostesses’s contribution in her own house, and essentially calls her worthless...and laughing boy doesn’t apologise for any of it.
OP says earlier that her DD and the BF always present as a unit, indivisible. Well feck that from now on. That setup suits the BF, and ensures the daughter is never woken up from her stupefying dedication to this miserable twerp’s requirements.
OPs New Year’s Resolution should be very swiftly making clear the house’s new ground rules, barring that peculiar trio before any further incursions are proposed.

I agree. 24 is WAY past the age when parents should be expected to still bear responsibility for their offspring’s arrangements, in the way that’s being suggested here a great deal.
A 24 year old with a degree, a good job, and a home of their own (rented or otherwise) is a seasoned adult, but if they aren’t, they need to cop the hell on and have some consideration for their parents.

The mind boggles!

@Liorae agree. At 24 she is old enough to know better, and have things pointed out clearly if she doesn't.

The OP and her husband badly need to strengthen their boundaries.

This situation would not have been tolerated for a minute by most people and the refusal to give a leaving date was so unbelievably rude, they really were well warned that basic social norms were not going to apply.

The OP needs to firmly wrestle back control by visiting them in their area IMO.

Perhaps the contrast in welcome and hospitality provided will prick her daughters consciousness.

Op ....why not have Billy and millitant with you as coaches when you visit your dd. .
Id love to see them in real life with this shoplifting,long handling armed MMA braggart!

He wouldn’t last 5 minutes.

Or call them in as security the next time there's a whisper of your dd and his return? They could also be your house guests, based in a temporary cabin outside.
It could be a wonderful new form of reality show?
Watching proceedings from inside the van via rigged up TV cameras...then dashing into intervene at certain points .

I can see Billy and millitant like Clarissa Dickson and her side kick getting absolutely outraged...

Another one here, who says it sounds like lobster boy's relations. You need to act fast with your daughter, OP.

Thank you all for letting me explore this , and for the advice.
I feel utterly exhausted, and somewhat humiliated and weepy.
But now it is time to recover , get wiser.
It is such a shame as we are the family that had ten kids for a bowl of impromptu pasta in the summer holidays, had parties , have a open house to friends who have a need for a listening ear and a gin .
It is part of who we are , and have always been, and it makes me feel so sad that we have to change in order to manage this situation.

Dh and I had long professional careers , we have dealt with a lot , but never this . ( only similar was a very early teen bf of dd who wanted to move
In with us so maybe this is pattern here , but one I feel perplexed about as I want to remain a kind , open hearted human, so this really really saddens )
.

The plan so far is to make sure food is not readily available
to say when / if he is here that meals out , drinks in pubs need to be a shared cost( this agian makes me so sad , i would like to treat dd and ds)

Go to them to visit.

make sure that when they want to come sometimes we are not available. I know now that the bf assumes this is one of his homes . I need to break that idea.

The thing that is greatly upsetting me is that , ( in reference to bf coming with her- parents i wont do again but dont know how to prevent him as as far as she and society if concerned they come as a pair) apart from the planned spa trip I want to do with dd- alone - she will assume he can come on visits ( as described it is part of her view of us , which is
correct- that we are open and generous hosts- if we start saying no then I am worried that

• she will think we dont want her here as our open welcoming she has had always will appear to be taken from
• her . Thats so upsetting a thought.
• she will sus that we dont want him here and be very upset. She adores him , they have plans for the long term. i dont want to alienate her .
• also - yes i know i am going to look weak here.. but , given that we have always been open and to dd your house is ours etc as its her home.. apart from making her feel rejected , i am really struggling to start to form a plan to say these things .. for eg typically I would get as call as follows
• hi mum we really want to come and stay and chill and see you, am exited
• i would say.. oh fab !
• done
• . text from dd love you , cant wait see you .

i am afraid that she will feel rejected , done something wrong.
if i say its too much for us to host.. she will offer to shop, cook, so i don't feel that saying hosting is too tiring as she will offer to do it all. So without rejecting dd .. how on earth can I reduce visits . And how deal with my dd feeling ousted / she will be sad / may challenge me / if i tell her its bf she may take his side as some posters say? I wonder if i shd still include him when they do come, but somehow play his own mind games back at him, be ungenerous ( though dd wd be embarrassed at us being stingy )
i know i can and will suggest she comes alone , but he will have to come at some time .

Ha ha ! Ive just read the idea of having some posters with us on visits!!! Made me have a much needed laugh!!!!!!!!

The intervention from a cabin sounds like supernanny.

Has anyone a link to the lobster boy thread ?!

OP I still don’t really understand still why you have such an aversion to DD’s bf coming to visit? I mean I know you said they have long term plans but they’re still pretty young, it could all end in tears next month. I don’t think you can really say outright that she can’t visit without him unless you really want to spell out explicitly what your issues are with him. Your DD is an adult now, she’s not your property and if you want to stipulate that you only see her alone then you have to accept you will have limited time with her.

Sorry just re read your updates. Sadly if your DD is really into him there’s not much you can do now that she’s an adult.

Mummy .. thanks i know.. but I cant be treated this way In my own home . ( separate from
my concern re dd )
my best hope is that he will break away from his , what seems, mysoniginist background , and arrogant attitudes , as like you say, he is quite young and seems to like the way we do things .

I have suddenly thought if a way to address the mean/ tight ness .
faux concern .. I notice he doesn't buy drinks/ takes things / gifts free gifts.. is he ok ? Is he struggling .. oh dear hope he ok ..

Here you are OP

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4145356-SIL-and-money-issues

Thank you !

A few more Lobster Boy threads for those of you with no plans for the day. Such a heartbreaking time for Chopin.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/3141884-Family-rift-how-to-heal

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4424975-I-dont-think-I-will-be-allowed-to-see-my-new-grandchild

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4671913-where-is-chopinandchampagne-lb-update

Yes, good way to go - start out with the oh dear is he ok then go into because ive noticed.. taking her aside confidentially, of course. Limit his visits by suggesting you meet elsewhere - Ive found a lovely little place for lunch, very reasonable prices as I know its his turn to pay / host etc. And when its your turn to host, go to those same cheap bistros, or if youre hosting at home, lock up the good stuff and limit the stuff you put out - 2 course meals rather than 3, one bottle of wine, no liqueuers etc, as youre cutting back for health reasons..

Good luck - softly softly catchee monkee..

Op.yiu were " innocent" Last time.

I think you have some good strategies there.esp.not always being available etc.

If he comes I would tackle him head on... specifically say.....BIll my arms hurts, could you grab those plates and pop them in the kitchen please.
If you both have some washing feel free to use the machine.
To daughter, darling are you and bill struggling for Money....when we go to X bar dad won't let you pay probably but it would be a lovely gesture if bill offered to pay for a round...dad's really worried you are both financially poor.

I'm so looking forward to your visit but I've hurt my arm and dad pulled his back would you both be able to help out more....then direct.

If larger issue's crop up you have your team to back you up 🤣

^^ yes Wicked a much more diplomatic cunning honey approach to train them.

Rather than completely alient her and push her away.

Oh , I could cook some of the meal s he does not really like ! Ha .
he hates some textures, takes meals like soag bol apart.
naughty moi!
we live 5/6 hours away so it hard to meet for a day / meal .. but all suggestions are appreciated.
good idea re hide the good food etc / ration!

You lit are amazing ! If they come again i will be giving a running commentary .!

Lot !

The 6 hour travel is the perfect excuse to meet in the middle, that way both of you only have a three hour drive! Its for their benefit of course, saving them the long journey!

Yes to spag bol meals, what else doesnt he like?