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Original poster

Our guests are hinting that they are going to stay longer than wanted ! How to find the words?

686 replies

Duvetdaysaregood · 27/12/2022 23:05

Guests invited until tomorrow. Been here since 23 rd with general idea to go between c mas and new year.

Heard one lot say to another , oh how long are you staying.? . they replied ..oh maybe till the new year. ..

I could not just holler .. what ..?? From a distance across kitchen.

So , said to them later , what did you say about stating longer .. ? They shrugged it off and changed the subject
I said i needed to know . Evasive .

I repeated that we needed to know for food etc and they just said oh well we could get food .

I have had this before and struggled .we live in a beautiful area of natural beauty where people go on holiday and they do relax .

anyone had this before ? If so , do I need to directly say please leave ..and if so how ! Without causing offence ?
They know
us well and I am struggling to ask them to go . If i say we have other guests due , ( a lie and dont want to lie ) I think they would just say oh no problem , we can all muck in , offer to sleep on camp bed if bo room .. I jusy want ghem to go .

OP posts:
Lindy2 · 27/12/2022 23:38

You say "It's been lovely having you to stay but I do need some time to myself, without guests here, before going back to work".

Truthful and polite.

WelshNerd · 27/12/2022 23:38

It's Wednesday, fuck off.

santibaby · 27/12/2022 23:38

All the people talking about booting them out after breakfast are missing what @BrightYellowDaffodil post made me realise (I missed it too)- if there was, as OP said, a vague plan to leave between Xmas and new year then them being there on 28th / 29th (hell even 30th) is ok surely? OP who are they (elderly relatives vs 20 something kids vs lifetime friends), and what day do you want them to go?

iknowwheretheothersockgoes · 27/12/2022 23:43

I didn't miss it. I'd still say "what time are you planning to head off tomorrow?"

It's OP's house not an Air bnb. People don't get to stay for however long they want. She's had enough. I would be supremely pissed off about a conversation in front of me about staying for longer.

pictoosh · 27/12/2022 23:44

"So , said to them later , what did you say about stating longer .. ? They shrugged it off and changed the subject
I said i needed to know . Evasive .
I repeated that we needed to know for food etc and they just said oh well we could get food ."

You basically agreed they could stay on, the implication being that you would make plans regarding food.

I think you're just going to have to be straight with them.

TwoMonthsOff · 27/12/2022 23:45

How do some people not realise that they have outstayed their welcome? Or maybe they do and don’t care…or why doesn’t it occur to them that you need some you time ? in any case OP lesson learned and don’t invite them again

asblindasabat · 27/12/2022 23:47

@Duvetdaysaregood they can’t stay longer without your agreement. Tell them they can’t stay any longer.

MaggieFS · 27/12/2022 23:48

Bit of a discrepancy between 'tomorrow' and 'between Christmas and New Year'.

So assuming they are intending to be CF and overstay, call them out on it NOW, IN ADVANCE OF D DAY.

'Just wanted to check in on your plans as you know I heard you say you thought you might stay longer'.

'We were only expecting you until xxx date and have then got other plans so unfortunately we won't be able to have to stay on, much as we'd have loved to. I hope that doesn't put you out but assume you'll be off as planned on xx date'.

You don't need to divulge your plans and don't give them wriggle room. Even planning to slob out in your PJs for three days doing sweet FA is a plan.

DO NOT start talking about food or anything else which hints you might be able to accommodate them, literally,

BatshitBanshee · 27/12/2022 23:48

I would just say it's been lovely having you but I'm afraid I really must ask that you leave Thursday morning - I do hope that's ok, I'm sure you can appreciate that as much as I love hosting I really do need quiet family time before I go back to work/real life. Just be straight with them, subtlety doesn't work clearly.

santibaby · 27/12/2022 23:50

Good luck OP- follow the mumsnet sledgehammer diplomacy and stick an eviction note under their door tonight!
If there was no leaving day previously agreed ('vague plan between Xmas and new year') I wouldn't start serving guests their marching orders but I'd want to try and gently engineer a leaving date I was happy with!

Alici · 27/12/2022 23:51

I think you have made a mistake by making it sound like an option to them.

So , said to them later , what did you say about stating longer .. ? They shrugged it off and changed the subject
I said i needed to know . Evasive .
I repeated that we needed to know for food etc and they just said oh well we could get food .

You dont need to know anything for food because it isnt happening. They are leaving tomorrow as agreed. Why ask them what they said about a situation that isnt happening as they are leaving. To open a conversation is to give them a choice. I would reiterate before bed or at breakfast how lovely it has been to see them and would they like lunch before they leave. If they make noises about staying just say that, as you agreed 28th, you now have plans or work to catch up with. But it has been lovely seeing them and you must do it again some time or would love to visit them.

Smartiepants79 · 27/12/2022 23:52

Why didn’t you just say you thought they were leaving tomorrow? You’ve left it open for them to extend the visit. Unless it was my mother or sister then I can’t imagine being so rude as to expect to just be able to stay!
If you know them well enough to have them over for Xmas surely you can just tell them you need your house back!

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/12/2022 23:55

Never ever let people stay without an end date. This is hosting 101.

At breakfast tomorrow ask cheerfully if they’re setting off before or after lunch as you need to prep the house for your NY guests.

When they say they didn’t know they were going looked surprised and say - gosh, I’m
sure I said that! Anyway you’ll be wanting to head off after 5 days of us won’t you - and then say if you want some help with getting things into the car give me a shout.

and take an assertiveness course or something

Workyticket · 27/12/2022 23:56

If you know them well enough that they're staying with you over Xmas then you know them well enough to tell them to go home

We have friends coming on Friday. We usually do 2/3 nights. She suggested 5 and I said "not a chance, I'll be shattered and our house is too small for that length of a visit"

Glassofwhatever · 27/12/2022 23:57

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/12/2022 23:55

Never ever let people stay without an end date. This is hosting 101.

At breakfast tomorrow ask cheerfully if they’re setting off before or after lunch as you need to prep the house for your NY guests.

When they say they didn’t know they were going looked surprised and say - gosh, I’m
sure I said that! Anyway you’ll be wanting to head off after 5 days of us won’t you - and then say if you want some help with getting things into the car give me a shout.

and take an assertiveness course or something

Totally agree

hugefanofcheese · 28/12/2022 00:00

Are.they still up? I'd so address it tonight so they can't go to bed making plans for.a walk on the coast or whatever tomorrow. If not, catch them early tomo morning. I was a bit confused whether they were invited until tomo or an unspecified date between Christmas and NY but assume tomorrow was mentioned at some point.

Approach with a smile, say you're sorry if there's been any confusion, you were caught on the hop earlier but as much as you've loved having them, you will need to stick to tomorrow. It's of course nothing personal but after hosting over Christmas you need a few days to relax and regroup before work/ normal commitments start again. Best to be honest and a bit candid. They'd have to have a bloody thick skin to try and problem solve this.

Bunce1 · 28/12/2022 00:01

Nightmare situation.

you must tackle it head on politely and firmly. Some good suggestions as above.

EricNorthmanYesPlease · 28/12/2022 00:07

As soon as they are up, strip their bed and pop it onto wash. Ask them if theyll be staying for lunch or getting something en route home.
Cant get clearer than that

MysteryBelle · 28/12/2022 00:09

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 27/12/2022 23:11

Switch the heating off.

This. Turn off the heat.

Put them to work. Set out a gallon of paint and paintbrush and drop cloths and tell them you appreciate them staying to paint, what a help they are. Or something similarly awful like digging holes in the garden. They will be gone before you can count to twenty.

MysteryBelle · 28/12/2022 00:10

EricNorthmanYesPlease · 28/12/2022 00:07

As soon as they are up, strip their bed and pop it onto wash. Ask them if theyll be staying for lunch or getting something en route home.
Cant get clearer than that

This is excellent. Matter of fact and to the point. They will have to leave.

gannett · 28/12/2022 00:17

I can't fathom how it's possible to have guests stay with no fixed end date. Did no one think to bring that up before this was arranged?

NoSquirrels · 28/12/2022 00:25

Guests invited until tomorrow. Been here since 23 rd with general idea to go between c mas and new year.

Which is it? Sometime between Christmas and New Year or 28th?

It’s a shame you went on about food instead of just saying ‘When you mentioned staying longer that’s not convenient for us - I’ve only planned to host until tomorrow.’

Are they young adult children, by any chance?

2Rebecca · 28/12/2022 00:25

I always expect and give a leaving date. You aren't a hotel. If you want them to go tomorrow tell them you need some chilling time without guests. You don't ask people how long they are staying for. You invite people and discuss mutually convenient dates before they come then you don't have this nonsense

JaninaDuszejko · 28/12/2022 00:29

Menomenon · 27/12/2022 23:16

This is bizarre. Who treats their hosts like that?

You'd be surprised how many CF families there are about. We are currently hosting both of DHs siblings, neither of which were invited. We invited (lovely) MIL and they then invited themselves. I didn't even get a present from either of them, not even a bottle for the house.

I believe the MN approved phrase is 'that doesn't work for us'. Of course, that assumes that you are asked if the plan is OK before it is enacted. If you're told less than a week before Christmas that a £1500 plane ticket has been bought so that someone can come uninvited to your house for Christmas apparently it's churlish to then suggest that it doesn't fit with your plans.

JaninaDuszejko · 28/12/2022 00:36

gannett · 28/12/2022 00:17

I can't fathom how it's possible to have guests stay with no fixed end date. Did no one think to bring that up before this was arranged?

You are assuming there is a discussion before people turn up. My SIL only told DH she was coming after she'd bought the plane tickets and only told us when she was planning on leaving yesterday after my teenagers started talking about their cousins coming to stay for New Year. Thankfully their unsubtle conversation was enough of a hint so we won't have an overlap.

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