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Original poster

Our guests are hinting that they are going to stay longer than wanted ! How to find the words?

686 replies

Duvetdaysaregood · 27/12/2022 23:05

Guests invited until tomorrow. Been here since 23 rd with general idea to go between c mas and new year.

Heard one lot say to another , oh how long are you staying.? . they replied ..oh maybe till the new year. ..

I could not just holler .. what ..?? From a distance across kitchen.

So , said to them later , what did you say about stating longer .. ? They shrugged it off and changed the subject
I said i needed to know . Evasive .

I repeated that we needed to know for food etc and they just said oh well we could get food .

I have had this before and struggled .we live in a beautiful area of natural beauty where people go on holiday and they do relax .

anyone had this before ? If so , do I need to directly say please leave ..and if so how ! Without causing offence ?
They know
us well and I am struggling to ask them to go . If i say we have other guests due , ( a lie and dont want to lie ) I think they would just say oh no problem , we can all muck in , offer to sleep on camp bed if bo room .. I jusy want ghem to go .

OP posts:
Original poster
Duvetdaysaregood · 31/12/2022 21:52

Thank you .. have just looked that form of will up. We have limited savings , but own our house.

OP posts:
LittlePearl · 31/12/2022 22:05

SevernEleven · 31/12/2022 19:16

He sounds like Lobster Boy from ChopinandChampagne's threads.

I was thinking the same

converseandjeans · 31/12/2022 22:38

@Duvetdaysaregood

The 30th . We did a en mass station drop off

That is a longer than average stay. It's strange if DD has her own place & even more strange that BF parents decided to stay so long.

Liorae · 31/12/2022 22:44

I'm sure she'll work out he's a dick in time anyway. People tend to.
Yes, but if Mumsnet is anything to go by, they work it out after three kids, giving up their job or going part time, and being completely financially dependent on the dick.

Soothsayer1 · 01/01/2023 00:19

strange that BF parents decided to stay so long
yes, very, working as a team and using OP's daughter as cover, awful braggadocio of a man, someone you would 'cross the street to avoid'.
Poor you having to put up with that over xmas😟😤

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/01/2023 01:16

SchnauzerEyebrows · 28/12/2022 17:59

😧😧😧😧 I would never, EVER treat my own DD with such cold, vicious contempt. Bloody hell! Biscuit

Show quote history

@SchnauzerEyebrows

ops daughter is an adult! OP’s home is not her home

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 01/01/2023 01:36

IMO the best thing you can teach your kids is solid boundaries

mathanxiety · 01/01/2023 01:58

why do this to the hand that feeds you as it were . He was definitely trying to act superior with my dh . I dont think i am a perceived threat in any way as a little woman maybe .. whats the male stuff?

Why? Because hes a Dominator.
He needs to dominate.
He has to dominate because in his world view, if he's not on top he's underneath. He's the woman in any scenario where he's not on top, to put it very coarsely.
(My guess is there's a deep seam of homophobia in his upbringing).

It all comes from a bottomless pit of insecurity, probably as a result of being the only child of someone with absolutely no boundaries.

Your daughter must be extricated from this horror.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 01/01/2023 02:14

LittlePearl · 31/12/2022 22:05

I was thinking the same

Show quote history

Me too.

@Duvetdaysaregood you might want to search for ChopinandChampagne’s threads on Lobster Boy so you can act accordingly.

LinesAndDot · 01/01/2023 02:16

SevernEleven · 31/12/2022 19:16

He sounds like Lobster Boy from ChopinandChampagne's threads.

Yes, I was thinking this is probably similar to how @chopinandchampagne felt in the early days of meeting Lobster Boy. What a slippery slope!

OP there is good advice here, and I think the Spa day alone with your daughter sounds excellent. Perhaps at that day you could suggest she comes down for a week by herself and WFH at your house later this year?

But I wanted to say, there has been so much focus on ‘negative’ talk to your DD. I would encourage the positive/praise. For example, ‘Darling I was so proud of the way you said ‘that’s not our way’ at Christmas. Your father also mentioned it to me, and said ‘we’ve raised that girl right’. It made me realise you know right from wrong and you can stand up for yourself and your values, which can be difficult as a young woman starting out in the world.”

Or also, if she offers to pay for something at the Spa Day etc, you again praise it. Or mention some behaviour of your DH that you praise - “It will be nice to get home, DH told me he is driving and picking me up from the station and cooking my favourite, chicken curry. I hope XX will be there to meet you, carry your bags and has something lovely in the oven for you too! It’s so lovely to be cared for in a relationship, isn’t it?”

That last one was very unsubtle, but I wanted to thrown in his lack of licence/driving, the fact he didn’t carry his Mum’s bags and the no-cooking thing. You could probably just use one example.

Canthave2manycats · 01/01/2023 02:24

Oh god, with every post it gets worse and worse! How on earth did you tolerate a week of these scumbags in your house? What did you talk to them about? Did they ever get off their entitled arses to help with anything at all? Don't suppose they contributed anything to your DD and their horrible son setting up home?

A family member got sucked in by a man a bit like this only he was far less educated than her, zero personality, pig ugly, earning a fraction of her salary, with no house/car - which she did have. Started off with things like drinking her wine and never replacing it, and driving the arse out of her little car (those were only a couple of things I found out, am very sure there were more red flags!) - then putting pressure on her to buy an expensive sporty model, at which point I intervened, told our parents etc and was never forgiven.

Married him anyway even though parents told her the day before that it wasn't too late to back out. We could all see what she couldn't. Bought a big house in his hometown, funded by the sale of hers, away from family and friends. Ferried him around on his active social life, picking him up all the time when he went out drinking. Only to leave her after a mere year for the OW he'd probably been seeing on the side all along. And she had been the idiot enabling it.

I'm sorry @Duvetdaysaregood that your DD has brought this to your door. Tread carefully. My family member never forgave all of us who tried to save her from herself. Married another penniless man but at least he had prospects. Treated the rest of the family like shit ever since, including her parents who did everything for her after the split particularly, and her siblings who supported her.

I'm not sure how you extricate your DD from this situation but you do need to try!

Canthave2manycats · 01/01/2023 02:27

Forgot to say that after the bastard dumped family member for OW, his utter see you next Tuesday of a scumbag mother rang family member's mother to give off to her!!!??? She was soon put in her ignorant place!

fancyacuppatea · 01/01/2023 08:10

I agree with PPs.

This is screaming of Lobster Boy Mk2.

timtam23 · 01/01/2023 08:54

OP as I was reading your posts I knew the "specific sport" was going to be MMA even before your clarification. He sounds extremely insecure and narcissistic, unfortunately he will probably be unlikely to accept this and/or want to change, as superiority and status will be so important to him. By acknowledging it as an issue he would have to acknowledge that he's not the best and he sounds unlikely to want to do that!
I hope your DD can extricate herself/be extricated from the situation.

marvellousmaple · 01/01/2023 09:14

Soothsayer1 · 31/12/2022 17:51

a short man compensating by taking up fighting, I'd prob do the same if I were a bloke....but they tend to be in love with thier own perfect bodies

Hey can we stop mocking short men. The vast majority including my DH and sons are lovely. It really pisses me off. They are very capable and competent and well-educated. No need to be able to reach the top apple from the tree these days people. Move on.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 01/01/2023 10:31

Op he sounds ....

I can't understand what he means by the biggest plate? Is it local slang? Does he mean he has the literally largest plate? There are different sizes for the plates or has he helped himself to food and piled up the most food on it? I can't understand the significance. Is he very muscly? Is he refering to his build? His "ripped" body perhaps and the need for food? Re Xmas chocolate I can't imagine giving chocolate but expecting them to be shared?

My DC took their chocolate to their room.
I for myself has a sneaky box of chocolate upstairs and we had to share Xmas chocolate downstairs. It would never occur to me to give chocolate that I secretly wanted downstairs?

The whole thing sounds bizzare. Is he her first serious bf? What does he mean re staying there?

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 01/01/2023 10:36

Can someone link lobster boy?

Liorae · 01/01/2023 10:38

OP as I was reading your posts I knew the "specific sport" was going to be MMA even before your clarification.
So did I, but I was afraid of being accused of classism if I specified.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 01/01/2023 10:52

@Millytante

Thanks for the eye opener on this gym thing.
Sounds absolutely horrific.
Is it also woven into this incel thing or Andrew Tate?

woodhill · 01/01/2023 11:04

Another thing that strikes me is that the bf family think that you owe them somehow

I had this with an ex boyfriend years ago who envied my family and said my dad sat on his arse all day when working (he was office based and a professional) and was horrible

It was an inverted snobbery

Waterfallgirl · 01/01/2023 11:13

Duvetdaysaregood · 31/12/2022 14:24

Thank you .

my dh said to me its a power thing . ..

and yes .. power play fits ..!!! going into our freezer without permission , in the context of the other things led to a feeling of unease and that he was saying he's the boss ( especially when he commented oh good ive got the biggest plate , the best view of the tv .. i mean who even thinks about such stuff)

re intervention no body in family perhaps except for my sister in law ..
I am going to start talking to our dc . Dh ill extra model behaviour. I hope she is not too far invested .

Crikey this thread took a turn ! He sounds awful OP.
People like this function because they know that you won’t challenge them as you are decent with manners

…..just out of interest what did your SIL do to challenge him, as it sounds like she has the measure of him too ?

Anotheryearsameshitshow · 01/01/2023 11:39

Has he had his licence taken away I wonder? He is smug to your dh because dh worked hard for your home - he is just helping himself to it's rewards for free. Makes me shudder tbh op.

Soothsayer1 · 01/01/2023 11:50

marvellousmaple · 01/01/2023 09:14

Hey can we stop mocking short men. The vast majority including my DH and sons are lovely. It really pisses me off. They are very capable and competent and well-educated. No need to be able to reach the top apple from the tree these days people. Move on.

Show quote history

Please forgive me it wasn't my intention to mock🙏

Emotionalsupportviper · 01/01/2023 11:56

mediumbrownmug · 29/12/2022 20:37

I think you did the right thing, OP. You were put in an awkward position. It can happen, even with family. I’m sorry your DD got caught in the middle, but it does happen. I have some stories that would make your hair curl.

My mom has an older brother (Alvin) who used to do this kind of thing over and over. My mom hosted both Alvin and his wife on countless occasions. They were thankless guests who announced (not asked) when and how long they would be staying, did not chip in, always overstayed the agreed dates, were perpetually on a different fad diet that required special, expensive food which they never bought themselves (and the diets were not health or weight related according to Alvin, just a trendy hobby that was their “thing”), and openly critiqued my mom’s living arrangements and hosting during their stay (which were more than comfortable and generous). She bent over backwards for them, spent hours shopping especially for their meals, stocked the freezer with expensive foods, planned meals around their diets (and once had them switch fad diets without telling her after she had shopped especially for them, then when they arrived with their new diet they complained they couldn’t eat anything), and she never got a thank you. Alvin was in his late fifties when this was going on.

A few years later after their mother, my grandmother, became older and more infirm, Alvin called my mom up and announced that he and his wife were coming to stay again and he didn’t know how long they would be there for. He often did this towards the later years of my grandmother’s life; he had lived off my grandmother (including living in her house) for decades starting in his thirties; and although my mom was my grandmother’s main caretaker Alvin would pop up occasionally to be “worried” about grandmother’s welfare, come to stay with my mom, and ask my grandmother for money. Grandmother would give it to him. Then Alvin took to asking my mom for money too. She gave him some too.

But this time, hosting him was actually impossible for my mom. So for the first time, she replied that Alvin would need to get a hotel because my mom would actually be on an extended vacation for her and my dad’s milestone anniversary. And Alvin said, “Oh, that’ll actually be even better, we’ll have your whole house to ourselves! Just leave us your keys.” (Yes, he asked for the car keys too. For both cars. And would they top off the gas tanks first, actually.)

Mom very politely responded that it would not work and Alvin would need to get a hotel. Alvin was very disgruntled but didn’t make a scene as my parents genuinely never went on vacation and Alvin was clearly expecting more freebies in the future if he kept his trap shut. But his response was enough to miff my dad, and that gravy train never left the depot again. It’s hard, but doable. My mom learned eventually to set some boundaries, but for my grandmother it was too late.

Years later, my grandmother’s life was coming to a close and the family all rallied around her as families do. Alvin’s adult children showed up for the first time ever, and actually asked her for money on her deathbed. And THEY GOT IT.

Never speak to them now.

I think your realties are in a different league to the ones on this thread, but I sympathise with you.

It's unbelievable how appalling some people are, isn't it? And as you say - they get away with it! I think we all learn the hard way about CFs like these.

I'm so sorry that your grandmother was so unappreciated by Alvin and his horrible family - but I'm glad your mom came to her senses. She could probably never had done anything about the way your grandmother indulged him anyway, as the habit was too deeply ingrained.

At least you and your parents are shot of them, and good riddance!

Millytante · 01/01/2023 12:07

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 01/01/2023 10:52

@Millytante

Thanks for the eye opener on this gym thing.
Sounds absolutely horrific.
Is it also woven into this incel thing or Andrew Tate?

I should have taken care to emphasise that I mean gyms which are used by bodybuilders, in the main. Guys who are there 24/7, some of whom went demented during the lockdowns, demanding of my own govt that these sweaty gyms be exempt from closing for the duration, as the members needed to maintain their physiques.
But although I don’t know how far it feeds into incel culture, if at all, I certainly think Andrew Tate, like Conor McGregor, is for many a hero and adored leader.
God, why can’t all these guys who believe machismo is the path of enlightenment at least choose more charming icons.
Got to say, Greta T was absolutely spot on when she so smartly accused Tate of having ‘small dick energy’. Nothing at all to do with appendage size, but all about being a swaggering, posturing twat. Toxic
masculinity, in a twerp who thinks big cigars make him look like Robert Duvall out in ‘Nam.