SIL and money issues

[ChopinandChampagne]

I recently lost my DH and I thought that it would be nice to give some money to my DGDs, both toddlers, to set aside for their future as a gift from him. Realistically, they will not remember him, but I thought that if they have some money to spend on travel or driving lessons or to help with their university costs or whatever, they would think of him and know how much he loved them, even though he didn't live to see them grow up.

I did some internet research and the suggestions were for a Junior Isa, which a parent would need to set up, and I would then pay into, and the child could access at 18. Alternatively, a savings account, which I would be able to set up as a grandparent, as long as I produce a copy of the birth certificate, which the child can access and take over at 16.

So far, so good and, I thought, relatively uncontroversial, so I suggested it to my DD and said that I wanted to give each of the DGDs £10k from DH and the options. I said that I wanted it to be a separate account and that suggested that she open a Junior Isa or that I should open a savings account. Her response was that she would have to discuss it with SIL and I said fine, thought no more it. Then, I sense that there is a bit of tension and DD says she wants to set up a telephone call with both her and SIL one evening, to discuss the matter after the DGDs are in bed. This was a text, so I reply saying fine, is now a good time, but DD said not, but we could schedule a couple of days later, but only if she has completed her coursework for her studies.

Then, a couple of days ago, I receive an email from SIL, from whom I never hear anything direct, advising me that if I really want to put money in an account, he will open one, but that he thinks that it is a bad idea, as inflation will erode the money. He thinks I should invest it in gold bullion or some other specific account (he says he has recently opened one for DD), and he provided links to various websites.

The tone of the email comes across, not as friendly advice, but telling me what to do. I have said that I will have a rethink, but I am worried about offending him if I don't follow his advice. I feel that he is trying to control how I invest the money. He refers to it as my wanting to invest for the DGD's future, which it is partly, but it is also about wanting the DGDs to remember or be reminded of DH. I don't really want to invest in bullion, as I think it's a bit volatile, and the idea of a bank account is that the DGDs would get the bank statements and maybe learn how to save.

Does anyone have any advice on how best to handle this diplomatically? There is quite a bit of history with SIL (Lobster Boy for those who remember my previous threads), but things are on a reasonably even keel at present and I currently have a good relationship with DD, which I don't want to upset. She says that there is no rush to decide how best to invest the money, it is important to get it right.

Yes. Say you are going to think about it and never let them pin you down by being annoying vague forever. Then get a junior isa in your name for your grandchildren and change your will accordingly.

How rude of them.

I agree it’s a lovely gift and their response has been extremely rude. I’d be very thankful if anyone did this for DD.

Oh God, not him again. I'm glad things are a little better but you know this guy is never going to be reasonable. It is your money, you do what YOU want to do with it. I've just googled and have you thought about "bare trusts", they give you control of the trust till the child is 18 but are in the name of the beneficiary.
Anyway, your daughter may get bullied by this bloke but make sure you don't.

There's history here as you've said and clearly his tone is pretty rude. It's a very kind thing for you to do.
Worth knowing though that there are two types of junior isa - cash ones (where there is more risk that the money is eroded by inflation) and ones invested in shares. Have a look maybe at money saving Expert website which will talk you through the pros and cons of each. I would definitely be wary of investing in one commodity(eg gold) and anything promising super returns- there are plenty of reputable junior isa providers out there.

Oh. He's a bully. I'm an expert in bullying husbands. I used to have one. Id not put the money in their name. I'd just allocate it to them in my will with a handwritten note left in the solicitors file explaining. Maybe your husband had a motto he used to refer to or such like. That could be part of the gift. If you do what the bully says or allow him a say you may as well gift him the cash because he's got his eye on spending it for himself already.

Very very rude SIL. This scenario makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. I would withdraw the offer and use the grey rock technique and say thank you for his input but its not for discussion. SIL will not have any knowledge about my current or future finances. I don't feel there is any way this can be handled diplomatically. I would ask for advice on MSE about investing for my grandchildren.

I remember your previous thread, I’m sorry to hear about your DH.

Pleased to hear that your relationship with your DD is going well.

Regarding the money for your DGDs, you obviously need to do what you’re comfortable with. I’m probably like you and would want it to go into savings or a junior ISA. Your SIL was/is a very controlling character, so whatever you decide he probably wouldn’t be happy anyway.

Oh god remember your other thread about this guy. He wants to get his hands on the money of course. Junior ISA a good idea so it will be in the kids’ names and he can’t take it. However he is correct that cash savings will be eroded by inflation, investing makes more sense as you have such a long time horizon to recover from any market falls. You could open a Stocks & Shares Junior ISA and put one or two sensible funds in there, not gold bullion! Much better growth more likely in long term and he won’t be able to get his hands on it. I invest for my kid and his grandparents insist on cash savings even though the opportunity cost makes me wince but it’s their money and their choice, either way it’s a generous gesture. Don’t let him bully you. Maybe say you’ve changed your mind, quietly invest for them through your own ISA and discreetly write them a cheque at age 18? Maybe she will have got rid of him by them.

I remember your threads and I’m so sorry to hear of your dh. I hope you and your other dds are coping ok.
I think you have a clear get out here with ‘dh was never a fan of gold/... , his grandparent did this for him so I know he would have loved to do it- maybe it isn’t the most financially savvy but nor would giving them his paperweight (similarly valueless memento) be - I want it to be something that’s a bit him. Of course if you find not ideally invested money offensive I won’t, I’ll just keep some of his things for them.’ Make up whatever you want, so you’re comfortable with the outcome. And he can’t touch the money.

And sorry for the loss of your husband.

grandparents can buy premium bonds for their grandkids, that's maybe a good idea. (actually anyone can buy them but you need the ID of the account to pay money into it, which only parent can get)

I remember your previous threads, I'm so sorry about your lovely husband.

Please step back, and do what you want with your money. A lovely idea, just don't mention it again. Put it away for them but don't involve him/them.

Oh god not him again. I hope your daughter eventually breaks free of him.

Whatever you do, it has to be water tight so that he can't touch it.

Maybe premium bonds with any winning reinvested. I read yesterday that investing 10k was the best place to start in terms of winning money.

I am so sorry to hear about your DH. I remember your thread very well and have often wondered how you were getting on especially the awful year we have all had.
Can you reword to SIL that your DH's final wishes are just that? Not open for discussion and be firm. I do hope he starts being more grateful you have clearly been through enough.

I remember your threads too. I am so sorry you lost your DH.

I would leave it for now and if they bring it up I would say I was still thinking about it. I would very deliberately not be doing what he suggested.

As a fellow grandparent, I find his attitude infuriating. How ungrateful and grabby of him.

I would forget discussing this with them, and use the MSE site to get advice on how to invest it without having to involve the parents. Also, in case you are concerned that you won't be around when they use it. write a little card for them including a photo of your DH, explaining that this is a gift 'from him' in a way, and put it with your will.

Is there any way you can put it into an account where the kids can't get it until they are 21 not 18? The number of horror stories of kids blowing the lot on nothing, it's really sad.

I haven't seen your previous threads to know the background but this is still your money to do what you want with. Son in law sounds like a mansplainer so would be inclined to tell him you take his point on board and would like to speak to your financial adviser about this so you'll let them know, then do what you want with the cash and tell him it was done under expert advice. You could either buy a copy of their birth certs if DD won't give you these or put the money in trust until girls reach a certain age. Assuming their father is domineering however, could I kindly suggest it's held in trust until they're 25? Because they'll have more confidence hopefully to manage their own money by then and not now to pressure from their dad or future partners who might be similar. I say this as someone who fell into a toxic relationship in young adulthood and lost the money I inherited from my own grandfather to coercion

Her response was that she would have to discuss it with SIL and I said fine, thought no more it. Then, I sense that there is a bit of tension and DD says she wants to set up a telephone call with both her and SIL one evening, to discuss the matter after the DGDs are in bed. This was a text, so I reply saying fine, is now a good time, but DD said not, but we could schedule a couple of days later, but only if she has completed her coursework for her studies.

To be honest, your daughter doesn't sound that appreciative either. What's wrong with "Oh mum, what a lovely idea! Thank you SO much!"

I would save in a fund that had some sort of link with your DH. Something that was important to him ie a local Building Society , or a ethical fund that invests in something he was passionate about, farming, third world or renewables for example

Allocate it to go directly to GC in your will.

would be inclined to tell him you take his point on board and would like to speak to your financial adviser about this so you'll let them know, then do what you want with the cash and tell him it was done under expert advice.

Good idea. It's your money, OP, which will become your GC's money. At no point is it your DD and DSonIL's money, so they can stop insisting on what you should do with it. No point in him trying to argue with professional advice.

@Plonque

Allocate it to go directly to GC in your will.

Except OP's money could easily disappear in care costs before then. Neither of my DC's GP's have/had anything left to leave. So my mum's instructions in her will for her GPs are meaningless. There's nothing there any more.