Why did you choose not to have children

[hotcoffeebeans]

Hi everyone just a random question really.
If you have never had kids by choice not because of anything else but you chose not to have any.
What was it that made you decide that motherhood was not for you.

Another one who just never wanted them, and tbh I never wanted the responsibility of caring for and bringing up another person. Nothing against children, and I think I get on okay with them, just didn't feel any urge to have one myself.

I have cancer, my dad died of cancer when I was 10. My mum had cancer at the same time. I would never want to have a child experience that.

Plus I don't like them

a few reasons;

I have no social capital; my life would be over as I’d have no support.

i am the primary breadwinner.

i have a long term ED and couldn’t handle pregnancy.

ive always had money problems and (personally) don’t agree with having kids without being on a decent financial footing to begin with.

i need as much freedom as is possible. Kids rightly take most of that away for a good number of years.

I cannot stand new borns and toddlers either if I’m being totally honest.

I just couldn't be arsed. If I am being honest.

Looking at my 20 odd cousins that had kids, there are 2 that had kids that are still together.

Looking at my 100 odd similar aged friends that had kids, I know of 3 that had kids that are still together.

I never really met anyone who floated my boat long enough to be father material, and I met my now OH mid 30s, and he already had a daughter and there was no way I wanted to bring another into the mix.

No regrets, at all.

I think we all know what me mean though.
Whether you're childfree or a parent, your priority is you and yours and doing what you want.
But as a childfree person you can put yourself first, whereas a parent has to put their child first.
However I don't think parents are selfless beyond that basic obligation to care for the child they decided to create.

I agree with you that the decision to have children is not an unselfish decision.

But to be a good parent to those children, you have to be very unselfish, for a very long time.

I think those who would rather prioritise themselves and therefore choose not to have kids are entirely reasonable.

....it's only women who tie themselves in knots wrestling with whether or not they're 'selfish' anyway. Men aren't socialised to be martyrs in the same way.

Oo yes very much so I get this too as I’ve learnt to be good at ‘pretending’ though. Or equally I wouldn’t be mean to a baby or child of course even if I find them irritating as hell!

I never saw kids in my future as, I was a nightmare child and wouldn’t want to put myself through parenting someone like me! I love my niece and nephew but after they were born it absolutely solidified that I don’t want kids!!

I have never looked at anybody’s family life and looked in awe thinking ‘wow I really want that life’.

certainly fed up of all the ‘oh you’ll change your mind’ but thankfully I’m getting too old now!

I agree but I think this thread is nice in that the term selfish is not being hurled as an insult but I suppose instead to mean, having the priority of one's self. That can be discussed clear headedly by smart women without it becoming pejorative, surely.

I think the decision to have or to not have kids is equally "selfish" in that it is deciding what you want life to be like for you.

But if you do have kids, your own wants, and often needs, must be significantly relegated, for two decades or more, if you are to be a good parent. I'm not saying you have to be dramatically self sacrificial but just practically the child comes first and takes up a lot of time and money.

So what's the point of that, if the benefits of having kids don't appeal to you?

I can see why previous posters therefore pointed to their prioritisation of themselves as a reason they did not have children, is what I'm saying.

You can have kids and not like them. I have 2 but I don't like being around others. Mine are actually ok. Most of dds friends are brats.

Most parents say the same. It’s always confusing when someone says something bad about children or parents and people say are you childfree or do you even have children, or someone doesn’t have children and is treated as a child hater, because I hear parents say they hate children/dread sleepovers/their niece is a brat/they don’t want to see their friends kids etc.

But WHY 🤣

I also dislike Komodo dragons and I'm not taking a punt and getting one for the bathroom.

But as this is a thread for childfree women, I'll share a similar response that I've shared above with another parent who has posted: "Even if you think your own children are wonderful and adore parenting, I wouldn't want the life of a parent - any parent".

YES. Regardless of how great their kids are.

Wow. You realise that someone else's child will be cleaning up your shit when you're old.

I don't have kids myself but I don't understand attitudes like this. Kids are great. If you don't like them, that says more about you than any child.

I think it's pretty normal to be disgusted by bodily fluids (including one's own if the time comes which hopefully it won't).

Could you tell us exactly how many shitty nappies, vomit-covered bedclothes (at 3am) and toddler snot streams you have dealt with, before reaching your conclusion that body fluids aren’t disgusting?

What does not liking children say about someone?
For me it says that not all people are alike and that we all have different likes and dislikes. I don't like spiders. What does that say about me?

The people who work in care homes are adults not children.

If you don't want children and most people ask you why you never had them just say you can't have children. Most people will then back off .

I don't like to normalise the idea that not having children is never a choice. I think it's a really popular choice.

Also they usually don’t back off. I have some childless friends and often people are ‘worse’ with them than they are with me (childfree). Everyone has a ‘solution’ or knows someone who knows someone who ‘just’ adopted and is now very happy (often with a miraculous biological child as well as several adopted children), or they have some bonkers advice like try drinking a cuppa soup and eating a stick of celery three hours before sex or, the one I’m sure every childless person knows ‘just relax, don’t worry about it, my sisters, cousins, best friends third aunt twice removed and her husband just stopped thinking about it and now they have three children’.

I don't understand the 'all kids are great' view at all. Children are all different, just as adults are, and nobodies upset by anyone saying they don't like every adult. It's weird to me to say every child's adorable, I know fun ones, ok ones and some I'd gladly avoid

I grew up with quite a controlling mother, bubble wrapped and never allowed to do or learn anything for myseIf and I feel it really held me back socially, so now as an adult I struggle to do normal adult things without a lot of anxiety.

my mother often said "all I ever wanted was children" which on the surface of it sounds really nice, but once I started to grow up and become a teenager and from then onwards it was obvious she had no idea how to interact with them or even show much interest in me, and so "all I ever wanted was children" was exactly that, little toddlers, and now I've grown up, that makes sense why she wanted to keep me as a child for as long as possible.

It's affected my entire future and it's very hard to change who I have become, I can barely manage to look after myself and I would absolutely not be able to look after another person on top of that.

I also find children incredibly difficult to relate to, young children especially, they can't form ideas or express themselves coherently so i struggle to talk to them or understand how to do that baby talk that so many people entertain.

They cost money i'd prefer to keep to myself, I don't want the responsibility, I like to be able to sleep in or go out and do things whenever I want, I want to have nick nacks and all sorts of crap I like to collect out on display without them getting broken, I don't want to wipe shitty arses.... the list goes on.

They really don't. It then becomes "oh but you could adopt!" or "have you tried going on holiday? My friend/sister/dog couldn't conceive for years, had 8000 rounds of IVF but one trip to Barbados did it and now they have 4!"

I once had someone bring herself to tears at the thought of not being able to have her own babies, whilst I was standing there like, 😶

Sadly, it's not a guaranteed mechanism for shutting the conversation down.