Why did you choose not to have children

[hotcoffeebeans]

Hi everyone just a random question really.
If you have never had kids by choice not because of anything else but you chose not to have any.
What was it that made you decide that motherhood was not for you.

Agreed, it is great to have this board. Something about the way the question was worded just made me wonder if OP is a journalist

It was never something I felt I needed in my life. Which was quite lucky because although I like children the idea of pregnancy fills me with genuine horror.

Also i had a great career and knew if I chose to have children I would have to put that on hold or have a nanny.....I didn't feel either was an option for me.
It's been me and DH since we were 14 (now 56) and we are a totally complete family just the two of us.

I don't like children and that didn't change even when I was pregnant. I felt panic and horror and I think if you don't feel motherly then you never will.

I like sleep and adult conversation and doing things I like. I guess I would have liked an adult child I got along with in my life but (a) no guarantee you'll like them or that they'll be in your life much and (b) I wasn't willing to put in the first 25 years of slog.

I also feared the role of "mum" in society and how it would change how I relate to the world.

I think schools create so much work for parents now and there's so much pressure, I just don't want any of that.

Plus I don't think being alive is a great thing and I'd feel bad dumping someone here to have to deal with it for maybe a century.

Never wanted them, don't particularly like them and think people who do should be vetted so the ones being brought into this world have all they deserve not neglectful shitty parents that we see over and over.

Im not a journalist i just wanted to ask and hopefully get some honest down to earth opinions.
With out being judged.
I dont have kids never had the urge either but sometimes you feel you cant say that on MN due to other mums being spiteful and trying to say we have missed out on such a good thing and we will regret it.
When in fact i would miss out on so much of my own life if i had kids.
And i dont regret my choice and never will.

As the eldest of 5, childcare played a large part in my 'childhood' and in my late teens. Having first hand, unwanted, experience put me off having children of my own.

It gave me a real taste of unwanted (and inappropriate) responsibility and just how life changing having a child is.

I put a lot of thought into remaining child free, and I'm often astonished that some people seem to have children without a second thought. And when the babies come along, they can't cope physically, emotionally and financially.

The demands are high, and for me, the rewards would be too low. I'm child free by choice and happy with my decision.

The sex education programmes we watched in the early 1970s were rather graphic, even in black and white. Seeing the footage of a woman giving birth put me off the idea completely. Of my group of four friends, only one has had children. I haven't regretted that decision at all.

I'm 40 and have been with DH for 20 years.
I just love adult life and don't aspire to have a family lifestyle.
Kids aren't on my radar in any way really and never have been. I'm friendly and kind to friends' children and children in the family and so on, but not fussed about them if I'm honest.
I'm incredibly fortunate that DH has always felt similar.

It has seriously never even crossed my mind as being something I might want to do. To me it's akin to asking why did you decide you didn't want to adopt an alligator or live in a cave. I mean if the subject ever came up then I would think about it and find the idea repellent and that would be that. But I certainly never had to make any kind of decision because, unless prompted, it would never even have occurred to me as being something I might consider.

There was never a compelling enough reason to have them. My only reasons would have been adult children and fitting into society better which isn't enough.

I really don't enjoy spending time with children and I'm crap at interacting with them. As much as I care a lot about my nieces and nephews, I don't enjoy their company (obviously I never show this). Hopefully I will when they're older.

I have low self esteem and can't imagine anything worse than having a child like me!

I need space, time by myself, quietness and tidiness.

I don't want to risk my health by being pregnant and giving birth, and I don't want to give up doing things I love (exercise) because of being pregnant.

I am already an anxious person and having a child would send my anxiety through the roof.

I don't think my husband and I would agree on a lot of aspects of parenting and I hate conflict.

Parenting just looks like a complete minefield. Especially with social media, screens, CoL etc. I don't want to be responsible for bringing up a human through all of that. I would be continously doubting myself.

I like my comfortable standard of living, holidays doing what I want to do, time to do my hobbies, spending my AL how I want, no restrictions. I don't want to give that up, and having kids would be a stretch financially.

I definitely shouldn't have kids!!

I never had any maternal urges either, which confirmed my decision. I wanted black Labradors and a VW Golf! I don't like babies and not that keen on children, though I quite enjoy teenagers.

Same. It was never an active choice, I just always knew.

I agree with all of this and could have written it myself!

That isn't being selfish, that's living your life the way you want it to be lived.

Oh my god. I was talking about this the other day. They showed us one in the 90s, I was in year 6 and it wasn't even filmed from the side. It was erm right down the barrel as it were .....scarred for life.

That's the sort of context that helps other people to share their stories.

I just always felt from a young age that it wasn't something I wanted to do. I was prepared to change my mind as I got older, but I didn't. I enjoy the company of nieces and nephews for a few hours and that's plenty.

Exactly this, coupled with the fact that life with children looks like boring, unpleasant drudgery to me. I've never wanted children and am so glad I didn't end up having any!

I may not fit the OP's exact demographic, in that DH and I did TTC for many years. Lost 3, had rounds of IVF and no cause ever found, except being told my eggs were old! I was sad with all the losses, but never felt the absolute grief that some TTC have, nor the almost manic urge to TTC again straight away. I think I'd always assumed 'it will happen'.

In some ways, I did choose, because I chose not to pursue donor eggs, I chose not to continue rounds of IVF, I chose not to start TTC till married at 32 etc. I do sometimes wonder if I'd unconsciously not wanted kids all along?

My brother and SIL consciously decided not to TTC. SIL has ADHD and my brother has ADHD and severe ulcerative colitis. They didn't want to pass either on and after discussing with consultants, made the decision.

Like @Bullshots I have never 'chosen not to have children', just as I haven't 'chosen not to have lunch at the Riitz' today.

Not having them is the default. It would be making a choice to change that. And I've never felt a compelling reason to make, or even to seriously consider, that choice - it simply doesn't interest me.

I've probably given it less thought over my lifetime than I have to emigrating to Malta or studying at the University of the South Pacific (both of which I have also not done).

I've never really been that bothered, I occasionally worry I might regret it in the future when I don't have as much family around me but that's a big if and, on balance, I'm happy to take the risk.

I like my own space and I like it to be peaceful or noisy or tidy or messy or whatever I want/need at that time. I get overwhelmed by other people's noise and mess and need to escape it. I love my freedom and coming and going as I please. I like being able to indulge my many hobbies. I'm terrible at my finances and can't imagine being consistently able to afford a child for 20+ years. I can't handle regurgitated food or snot. I don't like needy things (people or animals!). My patience drains quite quickly, I think as a result of being in situations that are overestimating to me, eg kids making lots of noise or mess or just not being compliant, and I know this is just kids being kids and about me not them! I'm not good at getting places on time, which is less ok when you're responsible for getting someone else somewhere on time.

Interestingly, I was late-diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years ago and now I understand myself better, it makes a lot more sense why I feel like this, and I'm finally now able to explain why I don't want children rather than it just be a sense.

I adore the kids in my wider family and actually think I'd be a good mum, but I just don't think children are for me. I'll just be that quirky old lady with a cool house and interesting hobbies and a cat or two.

My younger sister saw the same series and she hasn't had children either. As you say right down the barrel! They would never show them now!

I have kids but I don't like babies ,I can't surround myself with anyone that does have a baby or pregnant.

Finally! I've found a friend ☺️

How can you not like animals at all not even certain ones ?

I always thought I would someday, but literally never took the plunge. Found myself at 43 thinking, 'this is probably really last chance saloon, even if I could get pg at this point.'

And I read on mumsnet that that kind of thinking is just nature wanting you to give it more life, and the thinking goes away when the hormones fade.

And I then thought, 'aha!! This wondering will go away - happy days!'

And due to that last thought, I realised I would be relieved to not ever become a parent.

I worked in refuges for years and saw how hard the reality of having children is - the slog, the sleepless nights, the hard times, the loneliness, the resentment of doing all the work, the guilt, the constant demands - it is not for me.