Why did you choose not to have children

[hotcoffeebeans]

Hi everyone just a random question really.
If you have never had kids by choice not because of anything else but you chose not to have any.
What was it that made you decide that motherhood was not for you.

Name changed for this.
I do have kids.
Having kids put so much pressure on my marriage from the start it was overwhelming.
I had 2 children both adults now .
And i honestly hated it the drama of it all was not worth it.
I hated the school drama the tantrums the teen years the parenting aged me and my husband.
I never felt like a mum i was more a big sister the day my youngest turned 18 i felt free i started a divorce 1 week later.
We had no time for each other we had a smooth divorce without drama we both came to learn we was waiting for the same thing but didnt say it.
We spent years just trying to be good parents and we forgot about each other we lost so much time and a divorce was for the best we both agreed on it.

Im now single divorced and live on my own but still get the odd call from the kids once a mum always a mum end of. (so think twice)
We are much better now with life doing our own thing.
But looking back i wish i never had children.
I missed out on so much and not all parents are going to admit it but its true.
You do miss out.
Some look at the now and not the later and its not always the partners fault you just lose each other on the way.
And having to put your self last on the list compromising all the time.
Depending on the personality of the child honestly none of it was worth it.
I love my children but i dont have that mother feeling at all.
I dont have gran kids as both my children dont want them i am pleased about it.

I envy childless women i really do you have it good you made the right choice keep to it.

You know that moment where a child is screaming a cafe down and you turn to your mum and go, "Christ, that looks like hell". They turn back to you and say, "Ahhhh, but it's different when they're your own".

Well that happened to me when I was about 11 and I thought, "Bugger that, it'll be worse when they're my own and it'll be like that forever".

60 now and the ship has sailed. Never wavered. Thank fuck for that.

I‘m a mum but two of my best friends(&their partners) are childfree by choice. They both have lots of hobbies, love to travel and simply don‘t want the responsibility that comes with kids. I sometimes envy them when they‘re on vacation/at a concert/living their best life but i also don‘t regret my choice. It‘s great that every woman can choose to be childfree nowadays!

Hate the idea of being pregnant.
Dislike the idea of being the protector of another human being for the rest of my life. Especially when I'm not that positive that the world will be a better place when I die - it's a really depressing thought that I'd be leaving it behind to someone.

I actually DO like children and come from a big family. But no, I would much rather tread lightly and when I go, that's me done.

Never any interest at all.

But even when parenting is all going fantastically well and the parents are absolutely loving it - I still wouldn't want it. I wouldn't want the life of a parent - any parent.

To be honest, the only people who have openly tried to judge me are men whom I don't think are very equal parents (ie they get to show off then pass the kids back to mum while they head off and please themselves). I don't think that kind of man can empathise with what children really take to raise. Women are generally totally understanding - they maybe made a different choice but they know the balances and sacrifices.

Well, the decision was taken away from me to some extent as I am infertile due to cancer. However, I always felt that I just didn't want children anyway and as I've got older I find children irritating and have no desire to be anywhere near them...so was all for the best I guess.

I remember when I first met now-DH, when we were both mid-30s. Things moved pretty quickly and I realised I'd have to have The Talk with him before we got any more serious. Got very drunk to give myself courage and asked whether he wanted kids. He looked terrified and mumbled something about how he didn't personally but maybe we could talk about it if I did. The relief was palpable for both of us when I replied that in no way did I ever want a child!

If he'd wanted them I would have had to leave him, that wasn't something I could compromise on no matter how much I loved him. If I'd wanted them he says he would have agreed to one as he didn't want to lose me but it really REALLY wasn't what he wanted (and I suspect most of the child rearing would have fallen to me...).

As it is we have a lovely adult life, we're free to go out to gigs or nice meals or the pub any time and to spend our money on holidays, weekends away and other things that'd be difficult if not impossible with kids!

I just love adult life and don't aspire to have a family lifestyle

I think there's a lot of this in my reason too. I don't have a childish side, I didn't when i was a child. I hate cartoons and "family" films. I can't stand board games or role play or anything that children enjoy. I don't understand people who say things like children make a wedding...to me the thought of knee slides and screeching, overtired kids at an adult event fills me with horror (my own wedding js going to be strictly child free). Becoming an adult was the best thing in my life for me.

This is EXACTLY how I feel too. I really struggle to engage with young children - it feels so unnatural to me.

My parents were abusive alcoholics and my mum in particular never stopped telling us how much of a pain we were, how we’d ruined her life etc. The picture I had (still have, despite therapy) of motherhood is of a resentful and volatile woman who’s always on the edge of losing her shit.

So yeah, oddly enough it didn’t seem hugely appealing to me as an adult. I have enough damage and I want to spend my adult life trying to heal myself rather than continue the cycle and mess up my own kids.

As it happens I had to have a hysterectomy in my early 30s so life took the choice from me in the end.

I'm the eldest of a big family. I actually enjoyed helping out with my sibs, but it made me realise how much work is involved in parenting. And that playing with small kids is mind-numbingly boring.

Lots of other reasons too but that's the main one: it just didn't look like much fun.

Not quite the right demographic, I did want children, we had loads of IVF which didn’t work. Now in my early 60s I’m glad we never had them. We’re having a great adult life. I think I would have found motherhood extremely hard.

I will also say how interesting it is comparing this thread to the “why did you have kids?” one on AIBU. There are so many incredibly thoughtful, reasoned, measured posts here and many from the perspective of how the child would feel.

Whereas half the replies on the other are like “hormones”, “biology” or “just wanted to”.

Had some relationships with men but am a lesbian. So even accidental pregnancy wasn't in the picture. I like my freedom, need my sleep and I like my living space to stay calm. The screeching noise that children make physically hurts me (possibly autistic). I can't handle messy eating. It makes me gag. Ditto snot. I can just about handle nappies but would strongly prefer not to. Can't deal with vomit. Even dribble turns my stomach. What if your kid is a serial killer? How do you afford it for 21 plus years? I also have been deeply saddened by seeing (some, not all) mothers lose their personality, interest and intellect and replace it with a child. You could walk in with a missing limb in the middle of a major world event and they'd just talk at you about little Petunia's A in school today. I didn't want that to happen to me.

I couldn't stand the idea of a smaller version of myself, mirroring everything I hate about myself.

I also couldn't tolerate the number of people who would suddenly be entitled to interfere in my life - health care professionals, teachers, social services.

I wouldn't want the expense.

I wouldn't want the anxiety if they went off the rails when they hit their teens.

I'd hate it if the child happened to be a thicko.

I wouldn't want to have to do stuff like look after them if I was feeling ill or depressed.

I wouldn't want the hassle of childproofing the house; having to put things like bleach in inconvenient places, not being able to have painkillers in the coffee table drawer, having to put a PIN on I-player etc.

I'm not capable of being a good example to a child.

I wouldn't like changing nappies and generally having to clean a child.

A child might upset my cats, who I love beyond measure.

Probably more reasons.

Not so light hearted, but you did ask why. I've always been quite analytical and as a girl I worked out that getting married and having babies was a very dodgy business, if you were lucky you married a kind man but if you picked a bad one you were stuck once you had children. In the 60's leaving your DH was much harder and lots of women stayed for the sake of the kids.
If I'd been sentimental about babies I might have thought it was worth it but I wasn't so it was a double whammy. It was a weird thought for a child to have but I've never doubted the decision not have children, I couldn't cope with the endless demands for attention and time and money

I've never understood the point about it being selfish to choose not to have kids though I get the point about freedom to do what you like.

As someone with two kids I think choosing to have kids is also for selfish reasons. I didn't do it for the good of humanity. I did it because I wanted that experience and I accept the trade offs that come with that. Most parents are no less selfish than those who chose not to have kids. 🙂

That's not what I said. I like most animals and people, just not needy ones.

Because I always knew I was going to get cancer and lo and behold I got diagnosed last September.

I think we all make a selfish choice whether to have children or not. But when a child actually arrives a decent mother has to stop acting selfishly (whether fathers do also is another kettle of fish, which is part of the problem). And as a childfree woman by choice I realised before it was too late that I really don't want to stop acting selfishly! I really enjoy living my life for myself and no one else, and that's far too much to give up for a child.

I can’t think of a good reason to have them.