Are parents missing out? MN without children

[Sequinppigeon]

Inspired by another thread, but really not meant with malice... Do you think parents are missing out by having children?

Do they remove themselves from
opportunities or experiences for example?

Although they experienced child free life before having them, one you have them you don't get childfree life again. Especially not initially, and you're always a parent.

Can they really know what it would be like to have children and therefore what they are committing themselves to?

Just wondering how child free people feel as a counter to this well worn idea that we are some how missing out or lacking.

Or an empty nester?

Thats a good one thank you.

Im the empty nester love it.

who make parenting their whole personality

I do feel sorry for people like this and it is mostly mothers. I read a comment where someone said that people without children have no value. I think it's sad that they only feel they have value once they have made another human. How little do you think of yourself if you can only exist through another person?

Edit should probably add a TW Very very unpopular opinion - I've read other comments where women have said that their MH was in bits when they struggled to conceive, how their child 'saved' them and they wouldn't have been here if they hadn't been able to have a baby. That is a LOT to put on an innocent being. If your MH is so bad you can't think of continuing to live should you really be bringing humans into the world??

I may be missing the point but how as a childless person would I be able to make a judgment call on this even if I were interested in whether or not parents in general “miss out”?

Like… the only people who can really say are parents, surely?

I didn’t see the other thread so maybe I’m missing something.

It’s not difficult, they just don’t care.

Once again a thread in the childfree section is full of parents inserting their unwanted and unwelcome opinions.

Having read just the opening of the other thread, I’d say the exact same - how does it make any sense to ask only parents to weigh in on whether non-parents are missing out?

How are parents going to know?!

I probably don’t need to read the rest - barren husk that I am - but yeah. I don’t understand why anyone’s giving this thinking space. If parents are missing out then it’s their own bed to lie in and nothing to do with me.

Everybody's 'missing out.' I miss out on living in the country because I live in a city. I miss out on very expensive holidays because I don't have that sort of money (despite being a rich CF person 🙄). By definition if you're being a parent you're missing out on being CF and vice versa because if you're doing one thing you're not doing something else. The issue is, do you actually care?

The question now is what we’d need to call the board in order to stop people making silly goady arguments about why they’re included. People without offspring?

Nope - you’d still get the “but I’m without my offspring when they’re at grannies for a week!”

The only way would be a massively long title like “MNsetters who cannot have children and MNsnetters who chose never to have children”, and even then I think you’d get someone going “well I couldn’t have kids for years and now have my miracle and so I feel I can post here”.

The behavioural isn’t accidental - there isn’t a title that could stop it. People who desperately need to post about things that don’t concern them will always do so.

The answer as always is to take the board out of active.

As the definition of CF for some people seems to be 'I'm a parent but they're adults and don't live at home, I'm childfree, whooptido!' the only option is 'MNetters who've never given birth.' But I don't doubt some parents would find a way around that.

Basically we just can't be allowed to have this board to ourselves.

The answer as always is to take the board out of active.

It would mega help if MN would re-design active so topic is in bold and thread name in not bold. Maybe people just read the bold texts on here🤷

You can enjoy being a parent and still not want I
It to drag on your entire life. Why would someone who's had children between 16-25 still want to be having babies and starting over at 40? So from young adulthood to retirement?

Of course you want to move on at that point.

I don't know why this is somehow a gotcha.

I think this will hugely depend on if you are a young mum at early 20s or you have your child/children at 40!

Obviously once you have a baby your life does change, once the baby is here though you can't send it back! I had no idea what I was letting myself in for... more in terms of my relationship with me ex not necessarily motherhood because you do adjust and get into a routine. Some many variants to parenthood.

People who desperately need to post about things that don’t concern them will always do so

I hink this is just a behavioural thing - people need to have their say. I have seen so many threads where posters have obviously not bothered to read the OP and chip in with advice that the opening post has said OP doesn't want, can't do, doesn't like, wouldn't consider....there was a thread on Friday where a poster wanted to treat her DH to a flying visit to a European city where he'd never been. Among other things she said 'he's been to Amsterdam a few times.' Three or four posts down what happens? someone suggests Amsterdam.

And of course for some people on here the opinions of the CF aren't worthy of respect anyway, so parents have to plop on and put us right.

@fitzwilliamdarcy exactly!

If it’s something you think needs to be “got over” then why bother at all?

I used to work with someone who had four children one after the other in his early thirties. The thinking he and his wife had was that by the time they were mid 50s DC would be young adults and they'd have less parenting and more time. And nothing wrong with that, IMO.

Parents have all sorts of reasons why they have their children when they do. If they decide it's something to be 'got over' what business is it of anyone else what their reasons are?

I find it interesting that people are jumping on you here. The other thread specifically asked for opinions from parents yet plenty of childfree posters shared their opinions. Nobody jumped down the non-parents' throats simply because they dared to post on the thread.

(Edited for clarity.)

@EdgeOfACoin I just didn't think we policed the site in that way. Who can or can't comment.

Obviously many weren't or there would not be so many parents regretting their choice.

There are plenty of posters who admit on threads that they regret having children. There are websites for parents (mainly women) who regret it and at least 2 facebook groups.

Many of my friends say although they love their children if they could go back in time they would not have any. These are women with grown up children and quite a few have grandchildren or even great grandchildren

Me and DH are childfree and we thought about it for a longish time with lots of discussion. We have quite a lot of childfree friends and family and, they too, gave it a lot of thought. Most of my friends with children admit they gave it little or no thought many saying "well it's just what you do isn't it"!

I did also put the board name in the thread title. So not sure what else I can do.

It's not policing, I'm not saying who can and can't comment. I just think its worth reflecting on whether your experience and contributions are relevant and welcome. Just because you can comment doesn't mean you should.

And you don’t think your arguments about being an empty nester were disingenuous, given that the board is pretty clearly meant to be for people who don’t have offspring of any age? Maybe that’s what we need to ask MN to change the title to next.

Many of the posts on the ‘are people without kids missing out thread’ came across as patronising and unimaginative but rather than posting on it I rolled my eyes & went off to do something else, because it wasn’t asking for my opinion. So yes, I do think that should work both ways.

I'm a parent and love it! Wouldn't change it for the world! This is a list of things I'm missing out on though:

Complete rest and relaxation
Not having someone to consider/worry about
The wardrobe and make-up bag my heart desires
Complete autonomy and the ability to go where I want, when I want, mainly to:
Concerts/gigs, theatre trips, weekends away and holidays with my friends, spa breaks, frequent hair/beauty treatments.

Probably lots more things! But you can't have everything in life, can you? Sometimes that's just impossible and all you can do is prioritise what makes you happy and that's vastly different from person to person.

Not sure if there’s been a misunderstanding - I’m a regular here and I wish that people were more respectful of the board. Nothing wrong with your title, just with the people who won’t refrain from giving their ten cents when it’s not welcome.

Maybe take it up with MN...

This board is primarily for MNers without children - others are welcome to post but please be respectful