Are parents missing out? MN without children

[Sequinppigeon]

Inspired by another thread, but really not meant with malice... Do you think parents are missing out by having children?

Do they remove themselves from
opportunities or experiences for example?

Although they experienced child free life before having them, one you have them you don't get childfree life again. Especially not initially, and you're always a parent.

Can they really know what it would be like to have children and therefore what they are committing themselves to?

Just wondering how child free people feel as a counter to this well worn idea that we are some how missing out or lacking.

I feel like you are deliberately and unpleasantly trying to derail the thread now tbh. Also if you respond to a comment saying its not a tat then you're responding to a comment. Not having to say it in any other context. Just overall odd behaviour from you really. Definitely feeling over investment in letting us know how great it is yo have children.

The link was asked for.

I’ll be honest my comment was an eye roll at best. You’re derailing your own thread. Being “inspired” is still a tat.

I don’t think I’ve been unpleasant. Your post is goady, hence why you’ve spent more time replying to parents comments than other cf posters.

Fyi, ive not mentioned being a parent on here. I wouldn’t do that.

@Sometimeswinning Ok I'm done. Well done on the derailment. I hope you feel like you've achieved something, perhaps there's something to reflect on here for you?

It was a thread starting a convo without any real need for me to reply or to come back to give more info in a way a normal thread may need. So my replies were an attempt to keep that on track. Not that it matters ut clearly you're also the reply police😂

If you want to read about being a parent vs being childfree can I suggest that you read many of the wedding threads (evil)

And you don’t think the thread about whether people without kids are missing out was goady?

Completely! I even said that on this thread.

Ok, sorry, I missed that.

Jumping in here to say that I don't think this necessarily follows. Having children is a massive lifestyle change. We've read many times on here how having a baby is a grenade into your life (even when said in a positive way) and changes everything. Once you've made that major change, you already have childcare commitments, term-time holidays, reduced working hours etc to think about, so even if someone (or even a small part of them) regretted having the first, having the second isn't going to change things as much. In for a penny, in for a pound, sort of thing.

Selfish reasons to have more children could include: scared of being alone in old age, having a sibling for their child to play with in the hopes they need less attention from the parent, aiming to claim more financial assistance, aiming to hold onto a partner. Not nice to think about, but definitely not unheard of

I agree with this too, and think this alot when I read people's issues on here. I truly think people have it in their head from a young age that they will have children, for most this means more than one so even if things are bad they've already decided this is the only option. This is the only thing that makes sense to me. It's like that's their plan and that's what they're doing no matter what. Even though obviously there are no winners in this situation and the children are the ones that lose out the most.

There’s a thread in AIBu on why people have kids. FOMO and fear of possible future regret come up a lot.

Parent here. I saw that thread and refrained from posting on it. Everyone misses out on the choices not taken and that's OK.

I chose to have children from 32 so I've missed out on most of my 30s and half my 40s where I could have focused on my career more, earned more and worked full time, I would have worked abroad, I would have spent that money on travel, experiences and looking after myself. My health and fitness would be way better. I would have had better sleep, I would have poured time into friendships and maybe had hobbies, I'd have read more. I'd probably have been able to retire younger. I'd have had to make some great child free friends as so many of my circle have had kids. I reckon my relationship with DH would have been stronger. I don't reckon I'd be so fucking exhausted.

As it is I love being a mum and I love my kids and they have given my life a purpose and dimension previously lacking. I like having so much in common with other parents.

Child free is sometimes not a choice and that's harsh. If possible celebrate your choice. We are all different. That's good.

I'm looking forward to being child free again when my DC move out. Child rearing years is a short intense part of your life. It isn't the only thing that defines you.

I’m missing out on spontaneity, full nights rest, not having to be permanently switched on for another human, sex and some more disposable income.

However I’m very glad I had mine young. By 40 they will have moved out, I will have a lot more money to enjoy things like travel etc.

@KimberleyClark I notice that on that thread in aibu there aren't many reasons given which primarily consider the children. They are all about wanting a family, fear of being old alone etc.

I'm looking forward to being child free again when my DC move out.

You will not be childfree. You will still be a parent. You’ll be an empty nester.

I think a pp has a valid point about the childfree version of me is unlikely to be some glamorous rich version. In theory without dc I could work abroad but in reality I'm a massive scaredy cat and I'm simply not brave enough!

I don't think childfree people are missing out but I also don't think I personally would make the most of it, if that makes sense.

Do we need to ask HQ to change the title to MNers who do not have offspring of any age?

Full disclosure…. I don’t have kids (and I’m 39 so prime time for feeling the discomfort!) however more importantly I’m a sloppy thread reader meaning I’ve not read every post!

It’s the ‘Ghost ship’ you can only ever imagine the life not lived…. So kids or no kids, people will miss out… or rather, people will just have different life experiences. It’s not about better or worse, it’s just different.

The missing out is a balance too - parents miss out on sitting in a room full of parents and feeling the judgement and pity, they miss out on the pressure and expectations of parents wanting to be grandparents, they miss out on a completely failed fertility journey. Non-parents, miss out on the stress and heartbreak of a very poorly child, the guilt of a broken child, the ethical dilemmas of parenting….. there is potential challenge and risk on either side of the coin, and people miss out on both the good bits and the not so good bits too.

It’s the ‘Ghost ship’ you can only ever imagine the life not lived…. So kids or no kids, people will miss out… or rather, people will just have different life experiences. It’s not about better or worse, it’s just different.

Yes but many parents think they know exactly what a life without children is like because they were pre-children once.

Ditto with being 'childfree' once the DC have grown up. I wonder a bit how their adult DC would feel to have a parent describe themselves as if the DC didn't exist.

Isn't that just getting a bit pedantic over a word? To you, child free means never had a child. To me, child free, means free of existing children, as in "Hurrah! I'm child free this weekend, they're at their Nan's."

I don't think any of my DC would even bat an eyelid, when they are adults who have all left home, if I said, "I've got more time to take up hobbies now I'm child free." I certainly wouldn't think anything of my mother saying that. Certainly not pretending I didn't exist, because in my interpretation, in order to be child free, she has to have a child to be free of. In your meaning of the word, I would say "I don't have children."

Means different things to different people.

Definitely agree @WillYouPutYourCoatOn but i do understand that child free people want their own identifier without feeling it's being hijacked/used for a different meaning by parents.

Like when people say they're skint but really, they're just having to cut down on luxuries.

We will just have to end up "nonparents", I guess.

Is this a trick question? Working mum of 3.. Yes, we miss out on loads and no we didn't know how hard it would be.

Who would sign up for 100 plus hours a week, unpaid with no lunch break. 😂

But once you feel them kick, or hold their little pudgy hands. Or that first cuddle. You forget all that.

They drive me to the point of insanity, daily.. but I love them more than words. You can get desperate for a break but once you get one, you feel odd. Everything is too quiet, too tidy, too easy and you crave the madness back 😂

Best way I can describe it.

Certainly not pretending I didn't exist, because in my interpretation, in order to be child free, she has to have a child to be free of. In your meaning of the word, I would say "I don't have children."

Isn't that getting a bit pedantic over a word? I'm not interested in what you'd say in my place and don't feel that I have to adopt your version of what I should say to demonstrate that I've never had and never will have children. Childfree does me just fine.

As far as I can see, your interpretation of childfree just means parents have free rein to come onto the CF board and tell us all about their CF lives when that's not what it was set up for.

i do understand that child free people want their own identifier without feeling it's being hijacked/used for a different meaning by parents

Yes, thank you. This.

It appears we can't even call ourselves childfree without it being co-opted by parents and told what we should be calling ourselves instead so they can have CF when they've got a weekend to themselves.