Are parents missing out? MN without children

[Sequinppigeon]

Inspired by another thread, but really not meant with malice... Do you think parents are missing out by having children?

Do they remove themselves from
opportunities or experiences for example?

Although they experienced child free life before having them, one you have them you don't get childfree life again. Especially not initially, and you're always a parent.

Can they really know what it would be like to have children and therefore what they are committing themselves to?

Just wondering how child free people feel as a counter to this well worn idea that we are some how missing out or lacking.

I haven't read this whole thread and I haven't see the other thread at all but these are my thoughts

I'm not child-free as I've just adopted a young child (I'm nearly 50) on my own.

It's very early days (3 months in!) but the change to my life is shocking!
I've never been broody wasn't really that bothered about having children, but losing both my parents in my 40's made me panic about being alone and seeking more meaning etc.

I don't imagine my life will be better, pretty sure it won't be in-fact, but I was bored of the travelling/nice restaurants etc, it stopped being interesting. I wouldn't have wanted to bring a child into this world biologically (for a million different reasons) but I did feel I could be a good parent & offer a safe/stable/loving home.

I actually think the more money you gave the better your life child-free or not would be. My current challenges as I start my life as a parent would all disappear with some £££ thrown my way. Then I could still enjoy most of the lovely elements of my child-free life as well as being a solo parent.

Have not gave

Let's just put this right first a start. No, many, many, many people don't learn from the first and continue to have multiple children they shouldn't for multiple selfish reasons

The first line on the other thread was “for parents only” Not one person has criticised anyone childfree posting on there because they have a say. If you’re then going to do a tat (which it is) then don’t get all upset when parents comment.

You really can't help yourself can you? Do you not feel that's a bit embarrassing? People like you have made it a tat. I was trying to start a chat about the counter view to the ideas in the other thread. But childfree people apperently can't have that. So lesson learned.

@Sometimeswinning that's not ok either.

@fitzwilliamdarcy I honestly didn't realise it just popped up on my active. I am not being narky but I hadn't seen the guidance for posting on this section. I think people all over this forum could do with being more respectful when threads are for a specific group.

Sorry.

I think most parents seem to be pretty happy with their decision, just like most childfree people are pretty happy with their decision.

What does amuse me is that many of them seem to think that without children they would be incredibly successful at work, live in a tidy home, travel,lots and have exotic holidays with all their disposable income.

No, honey, your husband will still be a messy bastard, you will still be a middle of the road administrator and you will still have a mortgage and bills to pay so a week in Mallorca (admittedly term time) will still be your holiday. And you're still be too knackered at over 40 to go out clubbing on a Friday night.

I think the problem is that it's almost made on to a contest. Those who have children are missing out on freedoms - poor them that's a negative. Or those who don't have children are missing our on certain relationships and love - we must feel sorry for them or be critical. The reality is every choice we make in favour of one thing means missing out on an alternative choice. Kids or no kids, this job or that job, one university course away or a local course or apprenticeship. As long as you made a free choice who cares. You haven't necessarily missed out, you just chose your own path giving you a unique set of experiences, memories, joys and challenges.

If the other thread had been entitled “Parents - do you feel you have missed out by having children” instead of”Parents - Do you think people without children have missed out”maybe people without children would not have felt so driven to comment.

No. It’s hypercritical to moan when the last thread was even linked on here. There has been patronising comments on both threads. If you need to say this is not a tat then this is a tat.

Cf can have it. But when you lift another thread and it appears on active don’t be so shocked.

I agree with you. It was goady and not needed. It could have even been worded as how did your life change.

I asked for a link. I hadn’t seen the thread and I would not have thought to look on the Parenting board.

I wouldn’t have to if people read to the end of the sentence but like you many just read the bolded part and discard the rest.

We shouldn’t need MN to tell us off in order to be respectful, we’re not 5 years old.

To me, that sentence says "anyone is welcome to post but please be mindful when you respond that this is the CF section"

To a lot of people here 'respectful' seems to mean "no parents allowed here"

I don't think anyone has been disrespectful on this thread?

I thought my comment was pretty balanced.

On the whole though, with any choice in life, you gain some, you lose some. You just pick whatever course you think offers you the most personally.

In the context of this thread, I agree that it’s to be expected that parents will comment - as I said in my first comment, the only people who can answer if they’ve missed out are parents. But the OP - like the OP of the parenting board thread - asked to hear from a specific group and being respectful should entail asking whether your contribution is helpful or wanted.

That’s why I didn’t post on the parenting board thread (despite, I think, being someone qualified to answer) - because OP asked to hear from parents and I’m not one.

The big problem though is that so, so many of our threads have been derailed by parents arguing that they are "childfree" and therefore entitled to post here. It’s led to the board name having to change, the tagline of the board having to be changed, MN having to intervene twice - it’s really wearing. I don’t know if the parenting board has had experiences like this but that’s probably why we’re all so cranky.

So true

Having our DC later in life we don't feel like we've missed out at all, in fact it opened up a whole new world we didn't know about! Neither of us were ready to even think about kids until early 30s so we did live life to the full, travelled etc so when we were blessed at age 40 we were happy to embrace a new lifestyle, not an easy one of course ever!

Yes retirement creeping up now and teenage years, most of our friends have older children and are ready to live a retired life, we won't.

So all depends on individual circumstances. When you have DC you do have to give up the free life as you know it, some are ready, some aren't. Some devote themselves, other continue to tey to be as free as they can and palm their kids off.

.

I didn't make any arguments about being an empty nester.

I think you have mixed me up with someone else.

The point I was making, was in respect to whether parents/non parents felt they had missed out on the other lifestyle due to their choice to have children. If people regretted the choice they had made.

If someone felt their choice to have a child was wrong, a regret , a mistake (albeit not a lot they could do about it at that point) then they wouldn't actively choose to have another two.

I'm intrigued though why, if they were miserable as a result of becoming a parent, what some of the "multiple selfish reasons" are that they would actively choose to add to that misery with another (and another) child to raise for eighteen years?

In fairness there is a mixed bag of replies. But I still feel a good amount of people who make parenting their whole personality talking about how empty life must be for child fee people.

Having read and commented on that thread I think that the general theme seems to be that the parents here are happy with their choices, but understand ours. Obviously there are the usual knobs.

My sibling is childfree, one of my children is childfree, so I am interested in the topic. It would never have been the choice I'd have made but I don't get why people get so worked up (some anyway) about people choosing not to have children. Just do what's right for you.

True.
I don't mind parents commenting on posts on here to be honest, as long as their posts are respectful and not smug, patronising or judgmental.