Are parents missing out? MN without children

[Sequinppigeon]

Inspired by another thread, but really not meant with malice... Do you think parents are missing out by having children?

Do they remove themselves from
opportunities or experiences for example?

Although they experienced child free life before having them, one you have them you don't get childfree life again. Especially not initially, and you're always a parent.

Can they really know what it would be like to have children and therefore what they are committing themselves to?

Just wondering how child free people feel as a counter to this well worn idea that we are some how missing out or lacking.

I’m not sure about missing out. But I do wonder if some parents really were aware of exactly what they were signing up for.

I have a friend who regrets it. She’s quite open about it. Loves her kid, wishes she hadnt had him. However most of the people I know with kids always desperately wanted them and are therefore very happy with having children. I don’t think they are missing out by not being child free, as it’s not what they wanted out of life.

I find the other thread has quite a few of the condescending “you’ve never known real love without children” types. Like the way I feel about other family members isn’t proper love.

Yeah that was a fun thread. 🙄

Parents certainly miss out on the freedom that childfree people have.

They have more financial constraints, which aside from affecting the type of lifestyle they can have may also impact their career choices (less ability to take a lower paid but more fulfilling job for example).

It's a huge responsibility and worry that they'll have for the rest of their lives.

For many of them it's worth it. But I did like one comment on that thread that basically said it's a massive gamble that could either be the making of you or ruin you, and you have to really hope you fall into the former not the latter.

Parent here (yes I know, geroff our board etc )

Yes we do miss out. We miss out on sleep. We miss out on adult time and intimacy. We miss being able to be spontaneous. We miss glorious, relaxing holidays. We miss freedom. We miss disposable income. We miss lots. None of this, insignificant. I had a wonderful life pre DC. With a lot more travel, fine dining, and luxury.

However, we do gain in other ways (which I know gets shouted down on this board, so I won't bother detailing, even if I do think it's a balanced view from both angles). But I guess, the way I look at it, is if children didn't make a lot of people happier overall, no one would have more than one child, learning the mistake, so to speak, the first time.

I do look forward to my later years, with just DH, more relaxed, more self indulged, more us doing what we want to do. But I also look forward to grandchildren. You can hand those ones back

one you have them you don't get childfree life again

well this isn’t true for everyone is it?

I don't know what you mean? You're always a parent once you have children.

I mean having adult children and the considerations that brings is different to being child free.

Sorry that probably wasn’t a helpful point I can be very literal at times. Just pointing out your children aren’t guaranteed to outlive you.

I’ve read that thread.

Yes, I genuinely do think some parents are missing out. In particular, people who have children very early in life (ie under 26-28) are missing out on enjoying being young, free & single with some disposable income to the full. Travelling, partying, trying new things, shagging new people, living & working abroad etc etc, particularly at a time when your friends are also free to enjoy the same things before the full responsibilities of real adult life kick in.

In response to some of the posts by very maternal women on that thread who say that being a mother was what they were born to do, there’s no love like it etc etc, I would say good for them, but I know that being a parent is most certainly not what I was born to do, and I have always known that.

My brain isn’t wired up like theirs. I have never felt ‘broody’ and I don’t have ‘maternal instinct’ whatever those terms is supposed to mean. I don’t have a nurturing cell in my body, be that for children, pets or anything else. I’m too impatient, too squeamish, too short-tempered, too selfish. I need my downtime and I need my space. I would be a crap parent, so quite apart from the fact that I have zero desire to be, it really is in everyone’s best interests that I remain very happily childfree by choice.

I would say we parents miss out in some ways, yes. But I also think it's not (unless in cases of disabled children) forever. I expect to be able to travel and have my freedom back in my early 40s when my youngest is 18. We were young parents.

The one thing both DH and I have definitely missed out on is being able to forge careers. I always stayed at home for the children and DH has only been promoted so far (through choice) because he doesn't want to go higher and have to work longer hours/more stress etc, because of the kids.

Yeah but almost all do. I'd also say, knowing people who have lost children they would still say they were parents. Many also have more than one child. Seems like a of a deliberately missing the point comment tbh.

Well I think that children are a great all consuming joy*, but by their all consuming nature they mean that parents miss out on other joys, like travel, career ops/business ops, sometimes more varied and richer friendships, cultural life etc.

Obviously if you are very well off you can lesson the impact of that, but there are only so many hours in the day and I think the theory that you can have two sides of the triangle** is true here, so in this case you can parent and have a career or parent and have a social life, but you won’t get all three.

*in the best case scenario, obvs
** tops

Anyway I didn't want this to be a thread about a thread. Just place to think about the counter side of things.

And perhaps have a moan about the old idea being trotted out about how sad and empty we are with children. 😂

Parents are busy with their children for at least eighteen years. So they miss out on a lot of activities that might introduce them to a wider variety of people - such as community volunteering.

Honestly, I read that other thread and the thought of being like a mummy panda with baby pandas crawling all over me telling me they love me makes me happy I’m not a parent.

Yes, I genuinely do think some parents are missing out. In particular, people who have children very early in life (ie under 26-28) are missing out on enjoying being young, free & single with some disposable income to the full. Travelling, partying, trying new things, shagging new people, living & working abroad etc etc, particularly at a time when your friends are also free to enjoy the same things before the full responsibilities of real adult life kick in

I agree with this, I’ve never understood people who insist they’re better off “getting it over with” and having no kids at home by 40. If it’s something you think needs to be “got over” then why bother at all?

@DuchessNope well not all of us parents intended to be parents quite as young as it happened for us!

I certainly didn't intend to become a mum at 21, but once I became a parent I fully subscribed to the notion that it makes sense to do the hard graft all at once.

Yeah I mean of course they’re missing out. You’d have to be mad to argue otherwise.

I don't know about missing out but I know a lot of people with DC who pretty much hate eachother and are only together "for the kids". I guess it would be easier to leave if DC weren't involved.

That's actually one if the big things imo.
Having to stay where and with who you don't want to be for financial reasons because you have kids. Not everyone does but loads do

I don't think you can 'miss out' unless you have them very young (early 20s or younger), as you won't get that youth back. You can travel etc but it's not the same. Of course you will miss out on other events etc but if you have them later in life when your life is pretty much 'sorted' and you've pretty much done everything you wanted to do then you're not missing out on anything (well certain events but that's for a short-ish time). Also you do miss out on other things due to finances but thats the same with anything or anyone if you have limited resources. I agree with previous poster that many have no idea what they're signing up for and if they did they probably wouldn't do it. I also think the emotional burden of having children (assuming you give a shit about them and many parents don't and always put themselves first) is underestimated, I miss the freedom of not having to constantly worry about someone else and to be able to do what you want (and also things like sleep, go out, travel, move countries, leave a relationship etc) I don't think the situations are comparable as such, as with one you knew what it was like not having children so you know what you are or aren't missing out on. I also think most women have children only as it's been engrained in them and they've never really thought it's an option not to have them. I mean this in a subtle subconscious way, like everything in life. I'd say the women who really live for their children and love every moment are few and far between.

People aren't missing out on something if they've already experienced it and didn't want to do it anymore. For parents, I think it depends on their lifestyle, the child's personality and nature, the parents' interests etc. Travelling homeschoolers or parents who travel through work for example are sometimes very spontaneous with more 'exiciting' lives than many childfree 9-5 people, it all comes down to preference.

Personally, I had enough of travel and partying and don't want that so I'm not missing anything, I was actively looking to stop that as I outgrew it so whether I had children or not I would be home doing what I'm doing. When I chose to be single, I didn't think people in happy marriages were missing out on what I had because that isn't what they wanted. I just enjoyed my freedom. I think it's the same for parents by choice or child-free. I still nap, eat what I want when I want or do anything else but I think that's the same with or without children, for me.

Everyone misses out on the things they don’t do, I’m missing out on having children, living in Germany, owning hamsters and a billion other things and I’m happy I’m missing out on all of those things, I’m also missing out on being a millionaire which I’m not so happy about. Parents miss out on things they may or may not be happy to be missing out on. The same for childless people.

Anecdotally the parents I know who regret having their children love to tell childfree and childless people what they’re missing out on because it makes them feel better so I feel sad for those who feel the need to have the conversation but I feel worse for any childless people who may see that conversation, it cannot be easy for them.

I only felt regret when I had PND and that was the depression talking.
When I look at what else I could have done I don't regret having children at all, in fact I wish I had more. My DC have been more worthwhile than anything. I have been disillusioned by a career I have worked hard and dreamed of since I was 12. Work ties me down more than children in respect of traveling. I didn't sleep or relax pre children, either working or partying.
But it's not all rosey, what I would do differently is my age when I had DC and the choice of father! But my DC? They are the best thing in my life.

This thread is in the mners without children section - people who are childfree or childless. And the op has asked to hear from those people specifically.

I had a terrible relationship with my mother, did not want children because of her but glad I changed my mind.

I wouldn't tell a childfree woman she's missing out just like I'd think it's not her place to tell me I'm missing out. Most of us live ordinary lives, with or without children and if you were destined to a life of succesd and fame, it will happen regardless.
I don't consider myself supermaternal either, I still know my DC's are the love of my life and the purest love I have got, even purer than from pets.

I have 2 children and am in early 30s.

Before children, I had university, big career, lots of travel. I was financially better off but I never found materialism/ having "stuff" and "experiences" to be that fulfilling comparing to the joy in having/ raising my children (even though this means worse off financially). Sleepless nights etc have never felt a big issue for me

I would actually love to have more children