Should Granny be allowed to give Grandchild treats?

[GrandmaNelly]

Long time lurker, first time poster. Question is in the heading, but to give a bit of background…
I babysit a grandchild for my DD and a grandchild for my DS. I look after each child 2 days a week. On one day I have both, the other times I have them separate. DS and DDIL did not want grandchild to have treats until he was 18 months. Grandchild is now nearly two. I give both grandchildren the odd treat (crisps, biscuit, chocolate), but DS and DDIL don’t want me to and say they want to give all the treats. I find this difficult when I have both grandchildren together as DD has always allowed treats.
I want to address this but suspect if there is a falling out they will cut all contact and my grandchildren mean everything to me, so I’m scared of that happening. Any advice on how I can approach this or what you would do? Please be kind to an old grandma full of worry.

Do you really think they would cut all contact with you if you give your grandson a biscuit. That's extreme - is there a wider backstory to this?

Can you swap to healthier treats for the day he's there? Is there anything like that that they're ok with?

My mum gives my son more treats than I'd ideally like but she's doing me a huge favour by looking after him so I don't make an issue of it. At the end of the day it's not a big deal.

I think it's awful that you're scared to raise this tiny issue for fear of being cut out of their lives. They must be extremely controlling?

Honestly I think if I were you I'd go along with it got a bit longer because pretty soon I imagine they are going to lose control of that particular issue and will all just be too pleased that their children are eating and being fed.
How old us the one who is allowed treats?
I can totally see it's tricky if one is allowed and one not, but in about five minutes the kids themselves will be articulating what they want and all the goal posts will move.
Wise granny bides her time.

Nope. Their child, their choice.

If you can’t respect their decisions for their child then you aren’t suitable to be looking after them.

They have a bad case of PFB.

As long as you are reining it in and are giving a biscuit or two per visit rather than a packet of crisps and a stack of biscuits, they need to chill out.

Saying that, MIL used to give mine a mini roll, a fruit shoot, a packet of crisps and a mini bag of Haribo when they were preschoolers and they were inevitably car sick on the way home, so I do have some sympathy

@Goodoccasionallypoor not especially. We aren’t particularly close and I feel as though I was asked to be child care as a last resort. I get lots of telephone calls to tell me the ‘rules’ they want me to follow and of course I oblige. It has been insinuated how lucky I am to be trusted with my grandchild and when I was poorly one week they asked me to do an extra day the next week so I didn’t miss out. DS did say if I give treats they will have to make other arrangements.

They are happy to give their child treats - but you must not give the same child treats? That is bonkers.

I guess you just have to go along with their madness, but it sounds like there's a bit more to it - why on earth would they stop you seeing your grandchild if you have them the same treats that they get at home?

I agree with this.

I think you have to respect your son's wishes, it's not worth falling out over a few treats.
Could you keep the sweet treats for the day you just have your daughter's child? On the day you have both children you could maybe give them soft fruit like grapes or strawberries as a treat. Or allow a special tv programme or a game or plaything if you want a reward, something like playdoh perhaps.

Bit dramatic, why would they cut you out for the sake of a packet of pom bears? If you're providing childcare and not being paid then they either can pack a lunch for their child with approved foods or just not ask you what you've fed them. Hardly fair to have one having treats and one not on the day you have them both together!

To avoid arguments and respect their wishes you can just do no treats on the together days. They will be older soon and I doubt they will be so firm about treats once they are in school or nursery etc

Vile

Just saw your update - they are entitled CFers. I'd nip this in the bud and suggest they find other childcare if the one they are getting for free from a family member doesn't suit their rules.

Ultimately it is there choice and while I see no harm in what you are doing it is at the end of the day their child. I think I would do what they want and maybe find another way to treat your grandchild.

Respect their decision that only they can give snacks? We arent talking about child not being allowed them full stop, just the unpaid nanny isnt allowed to benefit from giving him a treat. Ridiculous.

Maybe give fruit treats or other healthier snacks on the day both children are there

Just don't give treats. Sorted.

Exactly. The child gets treats at home - the parents give them. The same parents just don't want granny to do the same. It makes no sense.

They sound like a nightmare to be honest. What are they scared will happen if their kid has a biscuit or some chocolate?

I think they should appreciate the childcare you provide them (presumably for free) with. A few treats isn’t going to kill anyone.

I guess you could drop the treats on the day you have both grandchildren and save them for the day you have the one who’s allowed them.

Are your DS and DIL overbearing in general?

I think there are a couple of things, firstly if this is a precious first born child - as a parent you can be very by the book about things, but you learn as you go, and by the second child you ease up a bit in general.

If you are looking after two children at the same time, but with parents having very different expectations on foods, then it's going to cause conflict. They either trust you not to go mad with treats, or you don't try to manage both grand children together.

You can have nice food that isn't biscuits or sweets.
Smile and nod and follow the rules.
I was pretty relaxed around what my mum gave DD but what she enjoyed most was time with Granny. That's the bit that only comes from time spent with you.

Lol.

that’s the parents choice. If they aren’t happy with how grandma looks after the child
for free, they can choose paid childcare.

I am willing to bet they’ll soon compromise when their alternative is to pay £100/week + for 2 days nursery.

if someone is doing you a massive favour providing free Childcare, you don’t get to stipulate how they look after the child. If it’s not up to your standards, pay.

I provide childcare for two sets of GC too. One has a set routine. Her parents send her dinners and snacks with her.

The other parents don’t.

When I have both sets of DC I provide what I want for lunch, dinner and snacks (for the dc who dont have their dietary needs already in their backpacks).

My philosophy is … If their parents take issue with what I’m providing they are free to pay and place them elsewhere. I do my best.

Could you find a bit of a middle ground?

E.g. I'd like to do some baking with them are you happy for them to have one of the cakes if it's not iced and isn't chocolate based?

I'm a bit torn as we do have a bit of an emphasis on 'treats' being fat/sugar giving to children despite the fact parents are told when they have children repeatedly to help make healthy choices etc

Additionally you could ask them to provide alternative snacks they are happy with - they can then give them to have same time as other child has theirs, like a 'pack lunch' and you'll see in time which they are happy to have, you might find both like them! :)

My mum will give my son a few crisps/crackers/some cake which I'm ok with - my dad would allow anything that was asked for and I get the sickness after and I really don't understand the point... so there is that side of it!

Perhaps you can find a middle ground together

The word 'treat' mans very different things to different people. To my mind if its at least 1 a day, 2 days a week, that's more often than a 'treat', that's a snack.

You could just not give your granddaughter 'treats' on the day you have both of them. Then she can have something on the day that you just have here (if she kicks up a massive fuss, then it's definitely crossed the line of not being a 'treat' any more!)

Don't give traditional treats then.

Instead make sure your dgc has access to nice healthy food - cherry tomatoes, nice cheese, a wide variety of fresh fruits and really good breads with butter.

Problem solved 😊