Should Granny be allowed to give Grandchild treats?

[GrandmaNelly]

Long time lurker, first time poster. Question is in the heading, but to give a bit of background…
I babysit a grandchild for my DD and a grandchild for my DS. I look after each child 2 days a week. On one day I have both, the other times I have them separate. DS and DDIL did not want grandchild to have treats until he was 18 months. Grandchild is now nearly two. I give both grandchildren the odd treat (crisps, biscuit, chocolate), but DS and DDIL don’t want me to and say they want to give all the treats. I find this difficult when I have both grandchildren together as DD has always allowed treats.
I want to address this but suspect if there is a falling out they will cut all contact and my grandchildren mean everything to me, so I’m scared of that happening. Any advice on how I can approach this or what you would do? Please be kind to an old grandma full of worry.

I think her objection is that the treats are given our routinely by the parents for the majority of the week, but granny is not allowed to do the same. There has to be consistency.

Yes, and they should all be cutting back by the sounds of it.

There are issues across the board with this and no one is right.

Op's son/ DIL - hypocritical about the food issue and over demanding. The threat of cutting contact is awful.

Op - sounds like she has created so much structure/ focus on crisps and chocolate etc that she would rather stop having her two grandkids together than cut back on this stuff for a 3 year old. They're not treats if she hands them out at the same time, twice daily.

I have a 4 year old and cannot imagine him rather having a pack of crisps than a playmate for the day.

Op's daughter(?)- the fact op thinks her daughter will be annoyed/ upset if her daughter doesn't have this stuff on one of the days she's there is weird (if accurate).

I absolutely agree that op's son's behaviour is unacceptable but I also think it's wrong for posters to validate op by saying this is what grannies should be doing.

My MIL lives in another country and she spoils my son rotten when we visit, but we're mostly ok with it because it's a few days every few months, not twice a week. If a grandparent is doing routine childcare, this stuff should be reined in a bit more in my opinion.

It all has to be reined in, not just what happens for 2 days a week at granny’s (which is, after all, an extension of what happens the rest of the week at home). A lot for the OP and her family to sort out, I agree, and if it can’t be then sadly paid-for childcare looks like it might be the only option going forward.

Hope you are ok op.

Mumsnet is a funny old space sometimes.

I think some don't read or drink too much 😂

Obviously you are a fab grand mum dealing with quite nasty grown up children.

As I have said previously call their bluff. You can't go on as you are so take control.

It's sad you'd rather they didn't see each other so one can have "treats" 😔. It's only snacks they won't love you any less
For not giving them a biscuit.

I'm a Nanny to two lovely grandchildren. If my DD role me not to give treats, there would be much sadness all round. She wouldn't, though, because, as with all things, there's trust in our relationship. She trusts me not to overindulge them, and I trust her to know that I'm sensible enough not to spoil the girls.

I feel for you OP, it sounds very much like they don't trust you (and also a bit mean and controlling!)

A frank conversation is probably needed to clear the air and to talk about trust and boundaries. Good luck...🤞

I'm wondering if son is jealous of the time spent with his sister and her child....2 days childcare plus 2 days with both as gran is lonely?

Yes. I agree. There is definitely a another side to the sons behavior. I thought so from the start, that it’s him evening up some kind of score.

@jannier i do find my time with DGC and DD very fulfilling, but i relatively recently lost DH so I still feel lonely. I know I’m still very fortunate and there are others worse off than me, so I am grateful for my blessings.

OP you sound an amazing Granny. My sister is in a similar situation as you....being emotionally blackmailed about her GS......threats like you're getting.

Trouble is you love your GC so you put up with the " dictatorship: as the threat of not seeing them is awful.

I'm sorry about the loss of your husband

I'm sorry to hear that, glad you can find some comfort in the grandchildren.. your son is being awful to you but I still think he possibly has his own issues.

No. My house my rules. When dealing with children you can’t have one eye in the big boss back at home. It undermines your authority with the children. However I’m not averse to using “Daddy wouldn’t like that” if it suits my purpose. Looking after grandchildren is hard enough without too many rules making it even more difficult. I will concede though that to a large extent it depends on whether you are looking after them for childcare or simply to spend time with them.

If you wouldn’t respect my wishes when it came to my child, you wouldn’t get to see them unsupervised.

It’s that simple.

Both my DIL’s pack GC’s snacks in their bags. I know exactly what to give them. Main meals are discussed beforehand. DIL’s know exactly what they’ve eaten. DGC know their snacks are in their bags. Everyone’s a winner. No problems here.

When we go out for the day I buy DGC ice cream (or whatever). Neither DIL have a problem with this.

Some DIL’s try their best to make life difficult for those they depend on for free childcare, judging by MN posts about “evil” MIL’s 🫣

How fortunate then that I didn’t bring my own children up to be distrustful and controlling. Had I done so we would all have missed out on the benefits of a relaxed extended family.

Absolutely agree Finns tail. I’m often appalled by the abuse Mils get on this forum when all they are trying to do is help out and make life easier for young families.