Page 15 | Should Granny be allowed to give Grandchild treats?

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DivorcedAndDelighted · 15/04/2023 14:27

GrandmaNelly · 15/04/2023 13:14

@pizzaHeart not ice cream, that’s included in the treats they want to give DGC. Haven’t asked/been told about jam so possibly, although I make my own and know how much sugar there is in jam, so possibly not, I don’t know. I include fruit at the meal times, I make up the majority of the plate with fruit and veg.

@GrandmaNelly I think you need to be more flexible here and play the long game, which is a good relationship with the DGC. You give fruit at mealtimes now, but it doesn't have to be done this way; why not make fruit a special treat? Cut it into pretty shapes; look up some of the amazing Japanese food prep, for example. Involve the 3yo in this with a toddler-safe food prep knife. Put a plate of fruit plus whatever snacks Ungrateful Son approves of in your treat cupboard. Substitute different things to take the place of fruit in your meals eg more veg.
One day your son may be a grandparent himself, and then he'll understand a little better. But for now, be like a willow tree and bend with the wind, not a stiff, inflexible poplar which breaks.

Original poster

GrandmaNelly · 15/04/2023 14:40

Thanks @DivorcedAndDelighted I will give this a go. I feel that a lot of the rules have been targeted at trying to unsettle/disrupt what I already have established with DGC1. A lot of the comments in relation to alternative childcare have been if I can’t say no to DD or DGC1… I feel a little compromise on DS’s behalf would be fair on DD and DGC1 too E.g. one treat a week from me , but I guess I need to pick my battles, especially as I want to keep seeing DGC.

OP posts:

DivorcedAndDelighted · 15/04/2023 15:58

I agree @GrandmaNelly ,it sounds like a power play on your son's behalf, and a compromise would be reasonable. But it sounds like he's not going to be reasonable - it's pointless fighting that battle at the moment as this seems to be about him marking his territory. So the question is what "winning" looks like, and the win is for you and your DGC to all continue your lovely relationship long-term, enjoying each other's company. Play the long game. I wince now, thinking about how precious I was over my own first baby, and while I'm eagerly looking forward to DGC in the next few years, I am already practising biting my tongue 😁😁. I wish my own children had an involved granny like you.

luckylavender · 15/04/2023 16:35

GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 14:58

Long time lurker, first time poster. Question is in the heading, but to give a bit of background…
I babysit a grandchild for my DD and a grandchild for my DS. I look after each child 2 days a week. On one day I have both, the other times I have them separate. DS and DDIL did not want grandchild to have treats until he was 18 months. Grandchild is now nearly two. I give both grandchildren the odd treat (crisps, biscuit, chocolate), but DS and DDIL don’t want me to and say they want to give all the treats. I find this difficult when I have both grandchildren together as DD has always allowed treats.
I want to address this but suspect if there is a falling out they will cut all contact and my grandchildren mean everything to me, so I’m scared of that happening. Any advice on how I can approach this or what you would do? Please be kind to an old grandma full of worry.

Speaking as someone who has struggled with weight all my life, why do we obsess over treats? Children don't need them, it encourages really bad habits. Just try and stop. You really don't want a child's self worth tied into how many treats they get from Granny. Trust me, it messed me right up. Reward them in other ways.

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 15/04/2023 16:47

I had friends like this op with their kids.

So stupid and thick banning things they don't realise that one day those kids will be old enough to get the school bus by themselves via the local shop or wander down on a weekend.

Without fail all the parents who 'banned' snacks had overweight or obese teenagers as they were literally like kids in a candy shop.

Same with TV/games etc even sex. The girls/boys who slept around and made themselves very vulnerable were the ones from
Strict religious families

You can't deal with stupid op.

pinkyredrose · 15/04/2023 16:49

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 15:07

Nope. Their child, their choice.

If you can’t respect their decisions for their child then you aren’t suitable to be looking after them.

Ffs. She's giving up 3 days a wk and saving her kids a fortune in childcare fees. Of course she can give them a biscuit!

PollyThePixie · 15/04/2023 16:50

DivorcedAndDelighted · 15/04/2023 11:22

Baby-led weaning is hardly new - it's traditional in many places and was no doubt what used to happen here. I did it with my first 25 years ago and it wasn't that unusual then.

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Not where I live.

mybeautifuloak · 15/04/2023 16:55

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 15:07

Nope. Their child, their choice.

If you can’t respect their decisions for their child then you aren’t suitable to be looking after them.

As it will cause issues when their dc sees the cousin getting treats I suggest the OP stops offering free childcare

SunnySaturdayMorning · 15/04/2023 16:57

mybeautifuloak · 15/04/2023 16:55

As it will cause issues when their dc sees the cousin getting treats I suggest the OP stops offering free childcare

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There’s no need for it to cause issues, though. Different rules for different children or, and this might be way out there 😂, granny stops trying to bribe her grandchildren with chocolate and crisps.

mybeautifuloak · 15/04/2023 16:59

RedToothBrush · 13/04/2023 15:35

Here's the thing.

You KNOW it will upset them, but you STILL want to overrule them, because YOU want to do something.

You are hiding behind the other child saying, well its difficult to not give it to this one if I'm giving to the other.

The simple answer here is don't give any of them biscuits or whatever ever it is. Really at that age, they don't need it, and this is all about YOU indulging YOURSELF to feel good for giving them a treat.

This isn't having a ridicilous request over routines etc. This is about you wanting to take control and overrule as grandmother and you are doing a 'I'm just being a nice kind hearted old dear' routine and trying to demonise your kids as some kind of abusive monsters who will cut off all contact with you.

And if the relationship is that tense, then perhaps there really is a problem with you overstepping...

I find this OP, smacks of a reverse tbh due to the tone and the 'poor ickle grandma' vibes about it. If thats not the case, it screams you ARE the problem...

You have read so much into this thread that isn't there. I think you must have issues and a back story

SirChenjins · 15/04/2023 17:28

luckylavender · 15/04/2023 16:35

Speaking as someone who has struggled with weight all my life, why do we obsess over treats? Children don't need them, it encourages really bad habits. Just try and stop. You really don't want a child's self worth tied into how many treats they get from Granny. Trust me, it messed me right up. Reward them in other ways.

Show quote history

I have never had a weight problem and I think partly that’s due to a healthy approach to treats, in that nothing is a ‘sin’ or ‘bad’ l, they’re just eaten in moderation. That’s been the case since my childhood - whereas the kids who weren’t allowed treats because they didn’t ‘need’ them tended to go overboard with them as they got older.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/04/2023 18:04

Part of me feels like saying to them go and pay for childcare

They will soon reliese that a day free with maybe the odd treat isn't a bad thing

So you have them both one day and both a day on own

Would it really be such a bad thing that on the day you have both there are onlt healthy snacks so rice cakes - bread sticks - cut up fruit /veg

And the day when have on own is treat :chocolate day

I do think the parents are being a bit precious

Babyat43q · 15/04/2023 18:21

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 15/04/2023 16:47

I had friends like this op with their kids.

So stupid and thick banning things they don't realise that one day those kids will be old enough to get the school bus by themselves via the local shop or wander down on a weekend.

Without fail all the parents who 'banned' snacks had overweight or obese teenagers as they were literally like kids in a candy shop.

Same with TV/games etc even sex. The girls/boys who slept around and made themselves very vulnerable were the ones from
Strict religious families

You can't deal with stupid op.

Seriously? What two year old needs to be eating junk food? The baby is TWO not twelve!

No one needs junk food let alone toddlers!

This comment is a ridiculous conflation. I didn’t allow mine at that age. As older children, mine have tried it all and aren’t banned from anything (but we don’t have very crappy junk food in the house). There’s a big difference between not allowing a toddler to eat chocolate and quavers and banning a nine year old from having those foods.

And anyway, the OP has already said they let their toddler have cake and muffins on occasion, just at their discretion.

While I might not agree with the way they communicate with the OP, I understand why they don’t want their child eating ultra processed food twice a week at that young age.

SirChenjins · 15/04/2023 18:23

Babyat43q · 15/04/2023 18:21

Seriously? What two year old needs to be eating junk food? The baby is TWO not twelve!

No one needs junk food let alone toddlers!

This comment is a ridiculous conflation. I didn’t allow mine at that age. As older children, mine have tried it all and aren’t banned from anything (but we don’t have very crappy junk food in the house). There’s a big difference between not allowing a toddler to eat chocolate and quavers and banning a nine year old from having those foods.

And anyway, the OP has already said they let their toddler have cake and muffins on occasion, just at their discretion.

While I might not agree with the way they communicate with the OP, I understand why they don’t want their child eating ultra processed food twice a week at that young age.

Show quote history

But you’d be happy with them eating treats the remaining 5 days a week and at pick-up time?

Goodoccasionallypoor · 15/04/2023 18:38

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 15/04/2023 16:47

I had friends like this op with their kids.

So stupid and thick banning things they don't realise that one day those kids will be old enough to get the school bus by themselves via the local shop or wander down on a weekend.

Without fail all the parents who 'banned' snacks had overweight or obese teenagers as they were literally like kids in a candy shop.

Same with TV/games etc even sex. The girls/boys who slept around and made themselves very vulnerable were the ones from
Strict religious families

You can't deal with stupid op.

It's not stupid or thick to avoid fun size mars bars and crisps for a child under 2.

I didn't give them to mine at that age, he can have them in moderation now.

@SirChenjins before you step in with 'but op's grandson has them at home', I'm just trying to address the 'if you don't give your kid a mars bar from 6 months, they'll turn into an obese sugar fiend by age 13 argument that this thread seems to have turned into.

SirChenjins · 15/04/2023 18:45

No/one has said that though, have they - although I understand you’re posting for comedic effect in order to try and illustrate your point.

The fact is, the child is getting more treats at home and when his dad picks him up from granny’s, then granny is actually giving them.

SirChenjins · 15/04/2023 18:46

My last post to @Goodoccasionallypoor

Faradalla · 15/04/2023 18:54

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 13/04/2023 15:36

Be really honest now, how much do you give them?

My mum (before NC, however not the reason I went NC) would let my children eat entire packets of things in one sitting so a whole pack of chocolate fingers, all six Mr Kippling cakes and so on.

No matter what I said she wouldn't stop doing it. It was revolting and upset me immensely.

My mum would give so much chocolate my kids would get constipated and vomit chocolate in their sleep. I would send chopped fruit and show to her or tell her I'd packed it before I left. She always looked at it with a strange inexplicable contempt and it wouldn't be touched. This was just for the odd bit of childcare here and there but we argued about it and things got very starined. She just wouldn't stop and it almost really blew up. She has calmed down a lot but I wouldn't use her as my permanent childcare solution for this reason, and I'm not precious about sweets at all.

OnaBegonia · 15/04/2023 19:17

It's very odd that's your DS will hand him a biscuit but you are not allowed to, it's petty and pathetic. Don't let him hold you to ransom, you're doing him the favour by providing 20 hrs of free child care, they sound horrible.

Goodoccasionallypoor · 15/04/2023 19:22

Yes, the poster I quoted literally said it!

And here you are making the exact point I knew you would make.

I wasn't talking about op's grandson in that post, but the 'I've eaten crap since conception and am a size 6' posts are just silly.

Goodoccasionallypoor · 15/04/2023 19:27

That was to @SirChenjins

I've said in previous posts that op's son is being unreasonable, and you're right, he's a hypocrite.

But posters calling people stupid and thick for not giving their toddlers junk food is massively unreasonable.

SirChenjins · 15/04/2023 19:32

Who said 'if you don't give your kid a mars bar from 6 months, they'll turn into an obese sugar fiend by age 13’? Or that you’re stupid and thick if you don’t give your toddler junk food? Or that they’ve eaten crap since conception and I’m a size six’?

Goodoccasionallypoor · 15/04/2023 19:45

SirChenjins · 15/04/2023 19:32

Who said 'if you don't give your kid a mars bar from 6 months, they'll turn into an obese sugar fiend by age 13’? Or that you’re stupid and thick if you don’t give your toddler junk food? Or that they’ve eaten crap since conception and I’m a size six’?

Thick and stupid post here:

*I had friends like this op with their kids.

So stupid and thick banning things they don't realise that one day those kids will be old enough to get the school bus by themselves via the local shop or wander down on a weekend.

Without fail all the parents who 'banned' snacks had overweight or obese teenagers as they were literally like kids in a candy shop.*

The rest was for comedic effect but was in response to posts criticising parents who minimise junk food at a young age and one did say that she'd eaten junk food as a kid and is now a size 10. It's a ridiculous argument to make.

In the real world, most reasonable parents don't actually give their kids a pack of crisps and a fun size chocolate bar as treats every day.

I'm no expert but I'd bet my house that kids who eat this stuff daily from age one are more likely to end up overweight than ones who don't.

But who can argue with rose tinted anecdotal experiences of Mumsnet posters aye?

SirChenjins · 15/04/2023 20:01

Ok, I missed the thick and stupid one - the rest of your post was just made up for comedic effect (or whatever) and wasn’t at all what was said, ad you know.

I agree, most people probably don’t give their one year old treats every day (and again , no-one has said they were fed crisps and chocolate every day from 1) - or the majority of the week as the OP’s son and daughter in law do. The best thing to do is the stop feeding these treats that regularly which requires them all to do this, not for the son and DiL to demand to be the ones to feed the junk and to do so in front of granny at pick up time.

Goodoccasionallypoor · 15/04/2023 20:07

SirChenjins · 15/04/2023 20:01

Ok, I missed the thick and stupid one - the rest of your post was just made up for comedic effect (or whatever) and wasn’t at all what was said, ad you know.

I agree, most people probably don’t give their one year old treats every day (and again , no-one has said they were fed crisps and chocolate every day from 1) - or the majority of the week as the OP’s son and daughter in law do. The best thing to do is the stop feeding these treats that regularly which requires them all to do this, not for the son and DiL to demand to be the ones to feed the junk and to do so in front of granny at pick up time.

I agree with you.

Op and her son can refer to these things as 'treats' but it actually sounds like they're being given out daily as a matter of course.

The idea of op's 'established treat routine' does not sound great and the fact she would rather stop having the grandkids together than cut back on this stuff is weird.