Should Granny be allowed to give Grandchild treats?

[GrandmaNelly]

Long time lurker, first time poster. Question is in the heading, but to give a bit of background…
I babysit a grandchild for my DD and a grandchild for my DS. I look after each child 2 days a week. On one day I have both, the other times I have them separate. DS and DDIL did not want grandchild to have treats until he was 18 months. Grandchild is now nearly two. I give both grandchildren the odd treat (crisps, biscuit, chocolate), but DS and DDIL don’t want me to and say they want to give all the treats. I find this difficult when I have both grandchildren together as DD has always allowed treats.
I want to address this but suspect if there is a falling out they will cut all contact and my grandchildren mean everything to me, so I’m scared of that happening. Any advice on how I can approach this or what you would do? Please be kind to an old grandma full of worry.

Wow! Maybe the parents should, you know, PAY 😱, for childcare. I’m sure OP wouldn’t mind 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why? Did it kill them? Have they had massive sufferings from these infrequent occasions of being over indulged?

I'd let my parent spoil my kids rotten if I could. I didn't know my grandparents growing up -divorce, distance and death.
My own parents died when my kids were quite young (they had me late 30s, I had mine in my 40s). For the few short years they were around I was totally happy if they gave my child the odd chocolate biscuit or ice cream.
I've seen wonderful grandparent/grandchild relationships and it has been a real regret that my kids didn't have the opportunity to enjoy that. I can't believe the pettiness of not letting you, who is doing so much for your kids, not letting you treat the grandkids on occasion.

OP has said they’re happy to make alternative arrangements, so they’re not being cheeky. She just doesn’t want them to.

Excellent - I'm sure they will find the expensive choice of nursery far more to their liking. Meanwhile, the OP can continue giving the same treats to her other grandchild that are given at home.

This smacks of paternal grandmother treatment, actually.

I think anyone that actually respects their MIL can see what is going on here. Id put money on the fact that the childs maternal grandmother has no such rules.

What kind of treats are you giving? Is it a treat if you are giving one every day you have them?

We try to limit the amount of sweets/chocolate DC eat to a couple of times a week so if you are giving a full size chocolate bar/bag of sweets twice a week that means they've had the full amount of what I'd like them to have in a week so I then couldn't give them anything.

Strawberries and watermelon are a treat in our house as they are expensive for most of the year, could you give something like that as a treat?

Perhaps they should send their child with a packed lunch and snacks so you don't need to provide anything.

My MIL used to give my DC sweet/chocolate treats plus biscuits every time they went to visit until I mentioned I wasn't happy with the amount of sugar they were eating - now they get a coin for their money box instead. What about that as an alternative?

@Screwballs

Oh come on. Why do people have to be so extreme on here?

Is it unreasonable to threaten to cut contact if your mother gives your son a biscuit? Yes.

Is it unreasonable to routinely give a young child entire packets of biscuits and cakes in one sitting, when they have been asked not to? Yes.

I don't understand why so many posters follow some mad MIL vs DIL tribalism.

Great! I’m sure that will be a plus all round. Why haven’t they?

Sounds to me like they only want you to be a provider of childcare not a proper grandma.
A list of rules??
Ridiculous.
Insinuating that you're lucky to be trusted with their PFB 🙄
Absolutely insulting.
Going to granny's in my day was a good thing, getting treated by granny, fantastic.
It's almost like they don't want your dgs to like you or at least don't want you to have the traditional granny role.
I feel for you.
It's their child and their choice but I wouldn't let them treat you like that.
I'd have it but I'm an arsehole.
Have an un-mumsnetty hug from me

No - the correct analogy here would be @Mariposista allowing TV at home but then insisting her children can't watch it at granny's house - just because she said so.

@ShonaShoop

Because op wants to spend regular time with her grandchild.

Is difficult. On one hand you're doing them a favour with free childcare. They would probably get worse food in another childcare setting. Usually many more children so harder to keep track of them sharing etc. If its the odd biscuit or chocolate bar I wouldn't get too upset over it. The issues would be if it was excessive treats or if there were other reasons (e.g. vegan diet or lactose intolerant and giving them dairy chocolate that they then need to deal with the fall out from).

Sounds like they're being OTT with PFB. You can challenge it and accept whatever the consequences are or just not give them treats that day.

This.

The parents don't mind paying if the OP doesn't want to go along with things.

Something is off with the OP's tone. I get vibes of a big back story or that the OP isn't being entirely honest about what 'one treat' actually means (see pp who said her mum would give whole boxes of cakes).

You don't say 'my kids will go NC with me' if there isn't a backstory / something more to what the OP is saying.

No - she wants to address it but suspects if there is a falling out they will cut all contact and her grandchildren mean everything to her, so she's scared of that happening.

Im just making the point that no one has died! Id ask why so many mums on here needs to be so controlling all the time. Accept help or dont, but lets not be choosy beggers.

Its hardly mad, its well established. Maternal grandparents are RARELY subject to the same treatment as paternal. How many couples split with the paternal grandparents having access all but completely revoked. I dont know why you are suggesting its not a thing, it very clearly is and always has been.

Because she has said she won’t give the child treats and presumably so far they trust her.

They need you too much to stop your GC contact.

Just tell them, their request is unreasonable, you will of course limit treats sensibly but on the days you have both, there will be just ONE menu, standard of care, teeth cleaning regime, etc all decided by you as the responsible adult. in charge. If you go out for icecream and a 99, your choice

@SirChenjins

I don't think I attempted to make an analogy. I was just surprised that the poster said that she wouldn't dream of going into her MIL's house with a rule book and then casually stated that she's requested no screens. What exactly is the difference between a rule and a request?

Do ostensibly healthy but still sweet treats? Mini boxes of raisins, dried mango, frubes, that sort of thing?

This is 100% correct.

Rather than telling you that you are "lucky" to be allowed time with the child, they should be more grateful that you are interested in spending time with them and be more appreciative of the free childcare. The son and DIL sound precious and ungrateful.

Part of the joy of the grandparent/grandchild relationship is that you get to spoil a little more than the parent/child relationship. The odd biscuit or chocolate isn't going to do any harm. They are being silly.

In the longer term, developing a more secure and trusting relationship with the DIL will be beneficial all round.
Lay off the treats. Rethink what treats are. It's a pointless exercise to say they're allowed them at home. My biggest treat at my Granny's was being given breakfast in bed! Same breakfast, just on a tray 😁
Cut up fruit, home made pizza, bento boxes, carpet picnics, growing your own radishes - there's a ton of ways of making food fun and thoughtful without it being around sugar or crisps. Baking savoury muffins if cakes are forbidden!
Seriously, it's not worth falling out over biscuits. It won't always be like this. Enjoy spending time with your GC.

So the snacks that Grandma supply’s fails in comparison then?

Either grandma’s snacks are unhealthy and dire, in which case Op’s DC would remove them… or they’re not that bad, in which case OP’s dc are happy for OP to continue providing free child care. It seems DC are still at OP’s. What does that tell you?

Because the rules/requests here varies - the child gets treats at home (presumably up to 5 days a week) but randomly isn't allowed them for 2 days a week at granny's house. The request @Mariposista made for no screens backs up what is done at home - so if the rules at home were no treats whatsoever and the request was made to the OP not to give them at her house then I think the majority would agree she's being unreasonable by ignoring the parents' request continuing to give them.