Page 5 | Should Granny be allowed to give Grandchild treats?

GrandmaNelly · 2023-04-13T13:58:32+00:00

Long time lurker, first time poster. Question is in the heading, but to give a bit of background… I babysit a grandchild for my DD and a grandchild for my DS. I look after each child 2 days a week. On one day I have both, the other times I have them separate. DS and DDIL did not want grandchild to have treats until he was 18 months. Grandchild is now nearly two. I give both grandchildren the odd treat (crisps, biscuit, chocolate), but DS and DDIL don’t want me to and say they want to give all the treats. I find this difficult when I have both grandchildren together as DD has always allowed treats. I want to address this but suspect if there is a falling out they will cut all contact and my grandchildren mean everything to me, so I’m scared of that happening. Any advice on how I can approach this or what you would do? Please be kind to an old grandma full of worry.

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Chewbecca · 13/04/2023 16:12

Have treats been defined? Do they mean junk, processed food? Or anything sweet? How about cakes you make together? It's an activity I really enjoy with my GC and I think it is fine, it is sugar and butter but not junk, processed food.

Snowjokes · 13/04/2023 16:12

Just don’t give the treats they don’t want their child to have! Why does it matter if everyone else thinks treats are fine, their view on them is so strong that they’re willing to consider paid childcare instead. So why would you refuse it? All you’re doing is causing an “I know better than you” argument. Find something else to be the “treat” on the day you have both children, or just drop “treat time” altogether.

jannier · 13/04/2023 16:14

I'd still give treats....book, trip to charity shop pick a toy, messy play, sticking and craft, set out their lunch like a picnic....they could have so much fun with you having nanny day as the treat, and no forbidden foods.
Would get up their nose though and they will probably say don't go out, food only at the table etc.

Beautiful3 · 13/04/2023 16:15

So they're allowed to give treats, but you cannot?! If so, that's bizzare and controlling. I'd ignore them and give a biscuit/crisps. What's the alternative? One child watched the other eat a treat then cries! If they ask, just say it was a small plain biscuit and a few crisps. If they cut all contact over that then they're bat shit crazy.

SirChenjins · 13/04/2023 16:15

Goodoccasionallypoor · 13/04/2023 16:11

@Lizzt2007

But it is still imposing a rule in someone else's house, which she said is something she wouldn't dream of doing.

She didn't say, she wouldn't dream of imposing a rule that she didn't also follow.

I took it to mean she wouldn’t impose a different rule in one place when she allows the same thing at home - not allowing screens at home or granny’s house is consistent and presumably doesn’t cause a problem for granny because she’s well aware of the situation. I take your point though.

SirChenjins · 13/04/2023 16:17

Snowjokes · 13/04/2023 16:12

Just don’t give the treats they don’t want their child to have! Why does it matter if everyone else thinks treats are fine, their view on them is so strong that they’re willing to consider paid childcare instead. So why would you refuse it? All you’re doing is causing an “I know better than you” argument. Find something else to be the “treat” on the day you have both children, or just drop “treat time” altogether.

But they do want their child to have them - they happily give them to him/her on the remaining days at home! They just don’t want granny to give them on the 2 days she has them.

HappinesDependsOnYou · 13/04/2023 16:17

@ShonaShoop that was a giant leap of assumption. For your information I do provide snack for my child and their grandparents don't provide any childcare. I am talking about when we visit actually. One nan offers to take him out for days but this is voluntary when I am off. The only childcare I have is the nursery I pay for so maybe get all the facts before jumping on someone

Proudofitbabe · 13/04/2023 16:18

A lot of the pleasure for GPs is indulging little ones with the odd treat. Your kids are being ridiculously awkward and OTT, and that's regardless of the enormous childcare favour. I'd never have dreamt of dictating to my mum how to care for young children, she'd have told me to do one.

In your shoes I would continue to give the treats and just not tell them. At nearly 2 the kids can't dob you in, and by the time they can talk maybe the parents will have calmed down!

jannier · 13/04/2023 16:20

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 15:23

It’s part of a wider problem.

If granny cannot respect the choices they have made for their child - whether that be something as innocuous as snacks or something as important as car safety - they aren’t suitable to look after said child.

So if granny goes ahead and gives treats because she thinks it’s okay, you cannot trust she won’t go against other parenting decisions they have made because she doesn’t see the issue.

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Sounds like you have a problem with your family/granny/mil

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 16:20

Proudofitbabe · 13/04/2023 16:18

A lot of the pleasure for GPs is indulging little ones with the odd treat. Your kids are being ridiculously awkward and OTT, and that's regardless of the enormous childcare favour. I'd never have dreamt of dictating to my mum how to care for young children, she'd have told me to do one.

In your shoes I would continue to give the treats and just not tell them. At nearly 2 the kids can't dob you in, and by the time they can talk maybe the parents will have calmed down!

By doing this you are indicating you cannot be trusted to look after their child.

If I found out anyone had knowingly gone against my wishes with my child they would not see that child unsupervised ever again.

The trust would be gone. It doesn’t matter how small the issue is, you have demonstrated you are not capable of appropriate childcare.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 16:21

jannier · 13/04/2023 16:20

Sounds like you have a problem with your family/granny/mil

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No, my family and my in-laws are brilliant, precisely because they respect my parenting decisions.

Proudofitbabe · 13/04/2023 16:23

By doing this you are indicating you cannot be trusted to look after their child

If I found out anyone had knowingly gone against my wishes with my child they would not see that child unsupervised ever again

The trust would be gone. It doesn’t matter how small the issue is, you have demonstrated you are not capable of appropriate childcare

If the wishes are stupid - I.e not letting granny give a biscuit even though the parents do, they should be ignored. Kids can't snitch. So for me that is the answer, it's not a complex moral dilemma.

pizzaHeart · 13/04/2023 16:24

I suppose the problem is that you are not very close so maybe you are not aware about all things e.g I didn’t give my DD certain things because she couldn’t cope with chewing them ( it’s a part of her disability) and could choke but when I’ve told my mum about this she just said : It’s ok I will be there and will watch her. She didn’t know how serious it might be.
I didn’t want this experience for DD at all so it’s easier for me just to say “no” without explanation (and before anyone asks my Mum never ever did babysitting for me, we live in different countries for a start) And then accept the same approach with other things.

My point is that sometimes not listening just once affects mutual trust. It might be not about treats but maybe in other areas ( even before your DGC was born ) you haven’t realized that they want things to be certain way or criticized their views too much and it’s affected your relationship.

ShonaShoop · 13/04/2023 16:24

Crimblecrumble1990 · 13/04/2023 16:11

They sound very precious. Not necessarily about the treats but in your update.

My MIL has my pre schooler one day a week and it does annoy me that they insist on giving him chocolate magnums 'because he loves them'. Well yes of course he does, but he genuinely loves a frozen yoghurt ice lolly too and would be just as excited to have that. (I realise in a couple of years this probably won't be the case!)

Are they fine with toddler 'snacks' e.g the Ella's kitchen biscotti and the like? They are kind of like treats but not as bad as chocolate.

Send the treats you prefer your child to have and it won’t be a problem. Why should your free childcare stump up for your idea of “nutritious treats” for YOUR child? 🤷🏻‍♀️

SunnySaturdayMorning · 13/04/2023 16:25

Proudofitbabe · 13/04/2023 16:23

By doing this you are indicating you cannot be trusted to look after their child

If I found out anyone had knowingly gone against my wishes with my child they would not see that child unsupervised ever again

The trust would be gone. It doesn’t matter how small the issue is, you have demonstrated you are not capable of appropriate childcare

If the wishes are stupid - I.e not letting granny give a biscuit even though the parents do, they should be ignored. Kids can't snitch. So for me that is the answer, it's not a complex moral dilemma.

Exactly - you think they’re stupid, but the parents clearly don’t. So what else do you think is stupid? ERF? Safe sleep? Weaning guidelines?

So you cannot be trusted and are not suitably able to look after a child.

And yes, toddlers can “snitch”. My 2 year old tells me all about her day when she’s been with someone else.

jannier · 13/04/2023 16:25

GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 15:13

@Goodoccasionallypoor not especially. We aren’t particularly close and I feel as though I was asked to be child care as a last resort. I get lots of telephone calls to tell me the ‘rules’ they want me to follow and of course I oblige. It has been insinuated how lucky I am to be trusted with my grandchild and when I was poorly one week they asked me to do an extra day the next week so I didn’t miss out. DS did say if I give treats they will have to make other arrangements.

I hope you said no to the extra day no matter how much you love it they are walking all over you. My reply would have been I'm sorry I'm still recovering and as you know I already do free childcare for X days between you and your sister.

Oldnproud · 13/04/2023 16:25

GrandmaNelly · 13/04/2023 15:13

@Goodoccasionallypoor not especially. We aren’t particularly close and I feel as though I was asked to be child care as a last resort. I get lots of telephone calls to tell me the ‘rules’ they want me to follow and of course I oblige. It has been insinuated how lucky I am to be trusted with my grandchild and when I was poorly one week they asked me to do an extra day the next week so I didn’t miss out. DS did say if I give treats they will have to make other arrangements.

I hope you told them that you were not available to do an extra day the week after you had been ill. They sound very inconsiderate, manipulative and entitled!

jannier · 13/04/2023 16:27

Snowjokes · 13/04/2023 16:12

Just don’t give the treats they don’t want their child to have! Why does it matter if everyone else thinks treats are fine, their view on them is so strong that they’re willing to consider paid childcare instead. So why would you refuse it? All you’re doing is causing an “I know better than you” argument. Find something else to be the “treat” on the day you have both children, or just drop “treat time” altogether.

I think the issue is that the parents give treats so it's not about whether a child doesn't eat something it's more about the parents wanting to be the only ones to treat their child or just control over gran

Danikm151 · 13/04/2023 16:28

They’re getting free childcare and using against you as a guilt trip

ShonaShoop · 13/04/2023 16:29

HappinesDependsOnYou · 13/04/2023 15:54

Can you get something more healthy treat wise like the organics gruffalo chocolate biscuits? They don't have any sugar etc but could be his "treat" time or raisins/fruit. I admit I hate grandparents giving my child treats but that's because they ignore his request for water or fruit and give him squash or chocolate instead as if fruit and water was harmful or depriving him in some way. He then leaves the squash or nibbled cake or what ever and just gets dehydrated

There you go… You want Organic Gruffalo snacks for your dc. You buy them. Job done!

NameChange647 · 13/04/2023 16:31

Every thread you read on here where a parent is complaining the person who looks after their child is doing something they don't agree with they are told to stop being ungrateful and pay for childcare if they don't like it. Same should apply in this scenario when its the person doing the childcare posting.

ShonaShoop · 13/04/2023 16:33

HappinesDependsOnYou · 13/04/2023 16:17

@ShonaShoop that was a giant leap of assumption. For your information I do provide snack for my child and their grandparents don't provide any childcare. I am talking about when we visit actually. One nan offers to take him out for days but this is voluntary when I am off. The only childcare I have is the nursery I pay for so maybe get all the facts before jumping on someone

Which isn’t in anyway a similar scenario to Op’s post is it?!

Any parent who isn’t happy with free child care is free to pay for child care where they call the shots. Agree?

JackHackettsMac · 13/04/2023 16:33

RedToothBrush · 13/04/2023 15:35

Here's the thing.

You KNOW it will upset them, but you STILL want to overrule them, because YOU want to do something.

You are hiding behind the other child saying, well its difficult to not give it to this one if I'm giving to the other.

The simple answer here is don't give any of them biscuits or whatever ever it is. Really at that age, they don't need it, and this is all about YOU indulging YOURSELF to feel good for giving them a treat.

This isn't having a ridicilous request over routines etc. This is about you wanting to take control and overrule as grandmother and you are doing a 'I'm just being a nice kind hearted old dear' routine and trying to demonise your kids as some kind of abusive monsters who will cut off all contact with you.

And if the relationship is that tense, then perhaps there really is a problem with you overstepping...

I find this OP, smacks of a reverse tbh due to the tone and the 'poor ickle grandma' vibes about it. If thats not the case, it screams you ARE the problem...

Massive LOL. The controlling ones are the parents who are already giving the child treats.

It more likely that DIL wants to have her cake and eat it. (Free childcare and emergency childcare on demand.)

I’m a granny and visit when it suits me. I’ve never offered to do childcare, the other granny can do that if she wants to. 🤷🏻‍♀️

ShonaShoop · 13/04/2023 16:35

NameChange647 · 13/04/2023 16:31

Every thread you read on here where a parent is complaining the person who looks after their child is doing something they don't agree with they are told to stop being ungrateful and pay for childcare if they don't like it. Same should apply in this scenario when its the person doing the childcare posting.

Eh?

escapingthecity · 13/04/2023 16:36

I've seen so many posts here from mums despairing that grandparents give small children too much ice cream/chocolate etc and usually the responses are sympathetic. Is it possible they feel they have to be explicit because you've been a bit too generous with the biscuits in the past? For example, my DC go loopy if they have too much chocolate so I'd rather know just what they're having so I can control their intake. I don't want to have them deposited at my door after an outing with granny absolutely high on sugar so I'm left to deal with the come down.