Should Granny be allowed to give Grandchild treats?

[GrandmaNelly]

Long time lurker, first time poster. Question is in the heading, but to give a bit of background…
I babysit a grandchild for my DD and a grandchild for my DS. I look after each child 2 days a week. On one day I have both, the other times I have them separate. DS and DDIL did not want grandchild to have treats until he was 18 months. Grandchild is now nearly two. I give both grandchildren the odd treat (crisps, biscuit, chocolate), but DS and DDIL don’t want me to and say they want to give all the treats. I find this difficult when I have both grandchildren together as DD has always allowed treats.
I want to address this but suspect if there is a falling out they will cut all contact and my grandchildren mean everything to me, so I’m scared of that happening. Any advice on how I can approach this or what you would do? Please be kind to an old grandma full of worry.

@ShonaShoop I never said I wanted my sons grandparents to provide them. I merely said I don't like grandparents giving snacks as a bit if empathy with her ds. It might be that her daughter in laws mum is like my husbands step mum and just pours the kids water down the drain to replace it with squash without anyone knowing (and yes she did that on Xmas. He didn't touch it once she replaced it as he hates blackcurrant squash buy hey a treats a treat right?). I suggested it to the op as an alternative to crisps and chocolate etc. They taste like chocolate but don't have sugar so when having treat time with her grandaughter he wont be "left out". She said she is a worried gran and from her op I doubt she wants to just go against her sons wishes so it was just an example. They are a range called organic for kids that do crisps etc and are for after weaning. I did also suggest raisins and fruit but you skipped that

@ShonaShoop I'd rather they didn't buy him any treats, that's the problem! They enjoy doing so as that's how they show their love and I would rather they didn't show it specifically with chocolate magnums... if I provided them with anything that wouldn't cut it for them.

And they have him because they want to spend time with him. I'm on mat leave so don't need childcare...

I do lots of childcare for GC, I always try to respect parents wishes, if I've given more than they want or something then I always let them know but basically it is my house and my rules. I'm doing them a favour so if I occasionally let them watch an extra 15 minutes of cartoons or let them spend the morning in pyjamas or something equally heinous it is just one of those things.

I wouldn't let them smoke a cigar or have their whisky straight though. We all have to have our boundaries.

I was going to say the same thing. My ex sil was very twitchy about rules and what she'd allow the kids to have at my mums. At her parents there were no such rules at all. My DB had to abide by her controlling rules otherwise we'd not be allowed to see dn.

When dn turned 1, sil said they wouldn't be doing a birthday tea party because baby wouldn't remember. Fair enough, we all dropped gifts round the week before. We respected sil's wishes to celebrate privately as a nuclear family. The following day, pictures go up on Facebook of a birthday bbq at her mums with her entire extended family. She is a grade 1 bitch and my brother has finally woken up.

I do respect their decisions but I’m now in a difficult position of having to treat DGC differently. They give treats so I don’t understand why one treat can’t be given when I have them both together.

You could tell ds that you won't be giving their child treats but as you still care for your other gc theirs can't come the same days as you'll be giving the other treats and it would be unfair for him to see the other getting a treat.

@ShonaShoop I'm not sure why my childcare and my sons grandparents situation seems to offend you so much. No I do not use grandparents for childcare but how do you know op hasn't volunteered? Her son has said he will go elsewhere so isn't hesitating to pay for childcare if needed. How do you know her son isn't providing the snacks and op isn't just ignoring those and giving out what she deems acceptable. Parents saying no to sugar isn't am attack on older generations its just following NHS and WHO advice. I don't judge those who give their kids sugar and who don't. I give my child snacks but it's about the frequency and type. Her son is clearly not wanting his child to have sugar which is his choice and he has said he can find alternative child care it that's an issue. Doesn't sound like op wants to stop the childcare but also doesn't want to leave grandson out. I have suggested toddler snacks as an alternative and showed that actually she isn't being picked on as a grandparent and that others feel the same as her child does.

DS and DSIL are crazy parents of a PFB but best to go along with it as your grandchildren need normal well adjusted people (you) in their lives and it's not worth dying in a ditch for a biscuit or two.

The sugar high is a myth @escapingthecity . Your children are excited when they get home from a tell with granny, because they've had a trip with granny. Not because of the chocolate.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/wordofmouth/2014/feb/25/do-children-really-get-sugar-rush-hyperactivity

If you are looking after the child twice a week you do need to respect their wish not to feed bad foods, it's not an occasional treat, it's a frequent treat. Do you give these foods every time you see them or once every 4-6 weeks, huge difference. No child needs these things, you other grandchild can go a day a week without junk

Had a similar thing with my mum when DD was on a restricted diet due to a medical condition. We didn't see granny often but whenever she came to visit she'd ply DD with 'treats' that she wasn't allowed to eat. Wouldn't accept there was a problem and totally disregarded our wishes (and those of DD's paed gastroenterologist) so we had to watch her like a flippin hawk to make sure she wasn't slipping DD something that would make her unwell.

Felt totally undermined and unsupported in what was already a quite stressful situation.

(DD could sometimes have a specific type of biscuit for instance so I suppose someone who didn't understand might wonder why she got 'treats' from us and not other people)

I think they’re being cheeky and if they can’t trust you to be reasonable they should find a suitable nursery or childminder.

As always the message is… If you don’t like the way GP’s care for your child don’t leave them with GP’s. It not that difficult to comprehend, surely?

Every parent is free to pay for childcare where they can call the shots. That’s it!

If you are present when Grandma gives your PFB something you don’t agree with you can voice your opinion. I’m not getting your angst tbh

Exactly - you think they’re stupid, but the parents clearly don’t. So what else do you think is stupid? ERF? Safe sleep? Weaning guidelines?

So you cannot be trusted and are not suitably able to look after a child

Totally disagree. If a grandparent is deemed good enough to give free childcare, they should be trusted to do it as they see fit, within reason. This is an absurd, hypocritical demand that the parents are unreasonable to make. It bears no comparison to issues like ERF, as the parents give these treats at home.

What I do realize from your posts and a handful of others is the real shame, that oddball parents will use the concept of "trust" to blackmail caring GPs into pandering to stupid diktats.

If you’re not happy with GP care then don’t leave your dc with grandma. Or provide your own snacks. What’s the problem?

Why are you waffling on about magnums? Don’t like it, don’t buy into it

We would visit my in-laws every six weeks or so, for a weekend. My MIL was the most loving grandma, and she also loved chocolate and spoiling her grandchildren. I'd roll my eyes, but she was such a wonderful person, I kept my frustration under wraps.

Even when the kids were teenagers and we maybe didn't visit quite so often, she'd occasionally post them a little jiffy envelope with a chocolate treat inside.

She died last year, and the four young adult grandchildren did a joint eulogy for her, where they shared their childhood memories of their wonderful grandma. Guess what stories were among those they told with such love? How much she used to spoil them with sweets and chocolate biscuits, and how she'd find the exact kind of chocolate treat that would fit in a jiffy envelope and survive the Royal Mail!

I'm so glad I didn't kick off at the time and issue rules about it. With time comes perspective.

@SunnySaturdayMorning
So if granny goes ahead and gives treats because she thinks it’s okay, you cannot trust she won’t go against other parenting decisions they have made because she doesn’t see the issue.

No. If you trust someone to look after your children, then you trust them. Beyond things like - they are allergic to x or is having issues with this, you have to accept that someone else is willing to give their time to look after your children, you have to trust them. I don't know of a single GP that looks after their gc that don't have a spare car seat and other equipment cluttering up their house so that the parents don't have to haul stuff everywhere.
If you don't trust them to make good decisions, then why would you let them mind your children.

I also think parents using this idea of you mind my children my way and with no dissent or you never see them are ultimate CF. They are willing to cut GP out of their child's life and deprive their children of (generally) positive and loving adults for spite?

*The obvious caveat of GP shouldn't be minding gc if there is any genuine cause for concern regarding endangerment etc. But a biscuit is not endangerment.

@ShonaShoop but her son is saying he will find alternative childcare but she doesn't seem to want that or she wouldn't be posting here. That's why I posted a suggestion rather then saying well he can find other childcare. He knows he can and so can she. I do use my voice with the nan in question, she mocks it and does it anyway and the result is she doesn't see him as often. This is not what the op wants so why criticise people who are posting alternative snack suggestions that her ds may be happy with and that op may not be aware of? Op doesn't have to provide them, she doesn't have to look after her grandchildren and I never said she has to. It is her choice what she takes away from this thread but you seem to be taking my suggestion and situation as a personal attack and its not

@ShonaShoop

You are derailing the thread with your chip on your shoulder about some grandparents providing free childcare by incessantly commenting on people offering suggestions.

The OP asked 'what can I do about it'. My suggestion was give them 'healthier' versions of treats.

Let's go 3 times lucky with the magnums because I like them so much: e.g a frozen yoghurt lolly instead of a choc magnum.

HTH.

There’s no blackmail. It’s a simple as “this is how I want to raise my child. If you are happy to follow that then you are welcome to look after them unsupervised if you want to.”

I don’t need free childcare, and I don’t use my family as childcare. If they want to spend time with my child without me they are free to if they follow the parenting practices I have put into place.

I don’t see family time with my child as childcare because I don’t need childcare. I see it as fostering a nice relationship between them.

Absolutely. Said a lot better than me but the stance of parents like this is so arrogant and delusional I can hardly be arsed.

I absolutely agree @saraclara I remember my granny giving me Smarties and my grandpa giving me 50p (an absolute fortune in those days) to buy sweets from the shop and taking me to the Italian cafe for a bowl of ice cream covered in raspberry sauce. These treats were associated with happy times and I’m so glad my parents didn’t stop them.

My own mum who’s very sadly no longer here did similar with my now adult children, and in turn they have very happy memories of getting sneaky sweets from her. She did me a huge favour by spending a lot of money on train fares and looking after them in the school holidays - I wouldn’t have dreamt of saying ‘DH and I will give them sweets the rest of the year but you mustn’t give them any when you’re looking after them’.

As a GM myself I think this is extreme but if they are adamant you need to respect that, on the day you have them both together stick to fruit or other things they are happy with. It is not going to kill your other GC not to have biscuits or crisps on that day.

Just hold off on the treats on the day you have them both together! I look after my grandchildren regularly, and I stick to what my DD says.
I’d introduce a different ‘treat’, like satsuma, jelly (sugar free), rice crackers.

I also think parents using this idea of you mind my children my way and with no dissent or you never see them are ultimate CF. They are willing to cut GP out of their child's life and deprive their children of (generally) positive and loving adults for spite?

Yep. It's a power trip and nothing else.

How old are your children?