Should Granny be allowed to give Grandchild treats?

[GrandmaNelly]

Long time lurker, first time poster. Question is in the heading, but to give a bit of background…
I babysit a grandchild for my DD and a grandchild for my DS. I look after each child 2 days a week. On one day I have both, the other times I have them separate. DS and DDIL did not want grandchild to have treats until he was 18 months. Grandchild is now nearly two. I give both grandchildren the odd treat (crisps, biscuit, chocolate), but DS and DDIL don’t want me to and say they want to give all the treats. I find this difficult when I have both grandchildren together as DD has always allowed treats.
I want to address this but suspect if there is a falling out they will cut all contact and my grandchildren mean everything to me, so I’m scared of that happening. Any advice on how I can approach this or what you would do? Please be kind to an old grandma full of worry.

@Screwballs

The poster we are both talking about said it was HER mother and she wasn't providing childcare.

So yeah, it does seem a bit like you have an axe to grind on this subject.

Exactly this. You're actually helping the kids develop better eating habits in the long-term too.

Over a piece of cake or a couple of biscuits?

Give over.

OP, they sound a little bonkers, especially with the threats. A grandparent/grandchild relationship should be relaxed, not stressful because of demands and threats made by the parents.

Unless, of course, you're feeding them family sized bags of cheesy wotsits and a slab of vimto.

You're providing them with free childcare yet they are treating you like staff.

Can you get something more healthy treat wise like the organics gruffalo chocolate biscuits? They don't have any sugar etc but could be his "treat" time or raisins/fruit. I admit I hate grandparents giving my child treats but that's because they ignore his request for water or fruit and give him squash or chocolate instead as if fruit and water was harmful or depriving him in some way. He then leaves the squash or nibbled cake or what ever and just gets dehydrated

I wouldn’t call that a treat 🙈

Maybe you could provide snacks for your DC? Why should your free childcare have to fork out for snacks for your child?

They’re getting free child care. They’re not going to cut contact and stump an extra £600 a month in nursery fees because you give the kid a biscuit

You realise that these are very high in sugar? 3 teaspoons of sugar in one Frube for example - so not a good eating habit to get into at all.

Please don’t give small children crisps unless they are salt free

It’s a very wise post! I would follow this advice partly and in the meantime I’d raise the issue that another child is allowed and is there any chance of compromise?

In general I think you should follow his parents lead, I don’t know their arguments but from my experience some grandmas are minimizing the amount of treats and biscuits they are given out, just saying.

I can't see the harm in the occasional treat but if there are two GCs then in all fairness they should be treated the same within reason.
We have one GS who is dairy intolerant so his food and snacks are geared to his diet while the others are allowed normal things but are aware that he cannot eat their food.
But we are consistent with all the GCs that they try lots of different things for variety - some successes and others not so. But fair play to them they have eaten things for me that they won't eat for their parents - depends on how you serve it to them. Some won't eat veg but with us they mix it in to their mash and dowse it in gravy - drives Mum and Dad mad!! lol!! Others won't eat chilli but blitzed they can't see whether it's spag bol or chilli and it still gets eaten. But they all know that a generally clear plate gets the goody afterwards - not hungry enough to eat tea not hungry enough for the treats!! But we do not buy sweets or chocolate unless it is Easter/Christmas and then Mum and Dad can police how much they have although usually Mum and Dad will eat the goodies saying there's too much for the kids!!
But to be fair none of our five ACs ask us not to give treats - but they know our house, means our rules and all the GCs are looked after on that basis.

@SirChenjins

I don't think we have enough information to to be sure about that. Op said she gives treats (biscuits, crisps or chocolate) up to twice a day. She also said that her grandson was not allowed any of these things until 18 months and now he is allowed them, but I would guess that he doesn't get a chocolate bar and a pack of crisps every day at home.

When my son was 2, these things would have been occasional treats, not everyday snacks.

Don't get my wrong, I think op's son is being unreasonable to make demands and threats but I don't think they are necessarily being hypocritical about the food issue.

Sounds like you are asking 2 different questions here OP. 1. Is it reasonable of them to insist this, and 2, How do you manage this situation?
1. Is it reasonable for them to ban me from giving the child "treats"?
Possibly not - though we don't know the whole situation. But that's not really the issue anyway, because it sounded like your more important question was:
2. I think they'll stop me seeing the grandchild if I don't comply, and I don't want that, so how do I manage this?
Ask them what treats you are allowed to give the kid. Ask this as a genuine question, and have some suggestions. What about fresh pineapple or mango? Grapes? Banana smoothies? There must be some things which the DGC will all enjoy, and which are acceptable to all parents. That way you can give your granny treats without getting into conflict.

Be clear what "winning" looks like here: it is, presumably, having a good relationship with your DGC and hopefully with their parents too. It is not getting to feed the kids as if they were your own.

Is it not ok to have strong feelings about a topic, does having an "axe to grind" mean im wrong? Re the DIL/MIL I was discussing the overall thread, but still, I think there is a huge difference in treatment and I think this is what OP is being subjected to. I may be being facetious about whole packs of biscuits but it just all seems more about control than actually being a significant problem. Kids are kids, grandparents are grandparents, no one has been hurt, fond memories are being made, just let go of the inner control freak and enjoy the moment in time.

The difference is that this poster doesn't allow screens at home either, so it's the same rule at both places. Gc is allowed the same snacks at home that op isn't allowed to give, so it's different rule for different places. No comparison at all between the two.

I also agree, they'll find something else to hyper focus on soon enough.

I think they are being generally unreasonable, and very PFB. However, going against their wishes is not a great idea, tempting though it may be.

Can they not drop off a supply of the type of treats that they give their child so that you can use those? After all, surely it matters not who actually gives the child the treat on any particular day, as long as you are clear what has been given so that they don't double up.

Personally, I think they are bonkers, but saying that won't help you unfortunately.

Agree with @Lastnamedidntstick The sense of entititlement and disrespect from posters towards their parents and in lnlaws is absolutely astounding and very sad !
Thank god for my lovely adult children.

Whatever you do, I would be upfront. I would start with: "Practically, it is difficult for me to not give your DS treats when his cousin is not with me. Emotionally, I enjoy giving him a few nice things as that's a Granny's role. So:

• What treats do you give him ie. What treats are you happy for him to have?

• This is what I plan to give him when he's at my house for a full day - 2 or 3 of (Handful of crisps/ Cheerios/ 1 chocolate biscuit/ cupcake/ 1 scoop ice cream/ funsize pack smarties etc).

If you don't like it, you are welcome to look for other childcare."

Don't go behind their back but do state what you want to do when you are looking after him - and try to accommodate them WITHIN REASON ie. Some treats but not large amounts.

Sorry, I meant. "It is difficult for me not to give treats when his cousin IS also with me..."

🙄

Of course it’s their child- but she’s wondering about giving the child a bloody biscuit now and then…

’Not suitable’….. pfft

Personally I think the are out of line, but it's not a hill I'de die on. Id probably make them fruit kebabs to dip in yogurt so it still feels like a treat to them.

They sound very precious. Not necessarily about the treats but in your update.

My MIL has my pre schooler one day a week and it does annoy me that they insist on giving him chocolate magnums 'because he loves them'. Well yes of course he does, but he genuinely loves a frozen yoghurt ice lolly too and would be just as excited to have that. (I realise in a couple of years this probably won't be the case!)

Are they fine with toddler 'snacks' e.g the Ella's kitchen biscotti and the like? They are kind of like treats but not as bad as chocolate.

@Lizzt2007

But it is still imposing a rule in someone else's house, which she said is something she wouldn't dream of doing.

She didn't say, she wouldn't dream of imposing a rule that she didn't also follow.