I'm an AP and I am wondering whether any of this is normal(long)

[QueenieRae]

Hi all, would welcome some advice from people with experience of an AP. To set the scene, I'm an English AP in Western Europe and have been for two months now. There are three kids, 5, 10 and 13. After checking the guidelines for my host country online I am wondering whether I need to leave ASAP or if I'm just being a bit precious.

The good:
The youngest kid is lovely.
The mother is a SAHM.
I am allowed to attend a language course once a week.
I have a lovely large room with a balcony and shared use of the kids' bathroom.
I think my language skills are improving.

The slightly iffy:
I am paid 150 Euros a month. The internet seems to suggest I should be on at least 50Euro a week.
I have to pay for all my transport and language course.
I am expected to clean the house fully 4 times a week. This includes hoovering, polishing, cleaning the bathrooms, cleaning the kitchen floor, hob and oven, and dusting.
I do a lot of cooking, unless the family go out for dinner.
I babysit most evenings.

The uncomfortable:
I am not allowed to eat with the family, but eat whatever the kids leave from the meal. I'm also not allowed to help myself to anything.
The middle child is almost 9 stone(!). There don't tend to be leftovers.
I haven't actually had a paid day off yet. That said, the host family count my morning language course as time off.
I am not allowed to shut my bedroom door, ever. I change in the bathroom.
The older children are possibly psychopathic. Due to an 'accident' where one jumped on me while the other tripped me I now have a broken wrist. I was taken to hospital yesterday and now the parents have gone away for the week leaving me in charge of the kids.

I have little way of knowing whether I'm a good AP or not. Maybe I'm just crap or everything has been unlucky. That said, I have a broken wrist and I've lost almost a stone and a half.

To be honest, I'll probably leave before I was supposed to, but rational talking would be welcome.

I will try coaxing the grandparents' phone number out of the children. I am a bit financially embarrassed at the moment as its the end of the month. I want placed by an agency which I know now is a rookie error.
I actually don't have any family I can ask for money. My plan is to get paid next weekend then tell them I'm leaving.

The guide lines i saw for my country say 50e per week. I was then told that some of those wages would pay for my mandatory health insurance. It's not like I haven't eaten for two months. I eat small meals from what the children leave and I use my pay to buy snacks which I hide in my room.

Um which country?

That sounds absolultely dreadful. Poor you. You need to leave ASAP. What a shame families like this exploit people.

Pocket money

In Germany, an au pair receives monthly pocket money of 260 euros. In this context, the number of working hours is irrelevant. You are also entitled to your pocket money during your holiday and in case of illness.

Ok - start to make a plan. Couple of ideas:

Get your profile up on AP sites with 'available immediately' on it.

Get price and timetables for bus/train to nearest big city or capital.

Get website and phone number for tourist hostels in that city.

Get prices for UK flights.

Charge phone.

Get phone numbers for language school friends - even if only acquaintances think about who you might be able to tell that you're in a difficult situation - even if just for moral support.

Swallow pride and phone anyone you can for access to some emergency funds - just in case.

Get in to the kitchen while parents away and kids in bed and pack some snacks!

Then start a practical checklist for future AP placements - list of local back - up contacts for family emergencies, 'emergency cash' left for you in the house (we have £50 on top of kitchen cupboard as a just in case for our AP) etc

You are being exploited. Plan your exit. I also don't think you should be looking after three children. AU pairs are meant to help parents out, not have a week of total responsibility. Very very wrong. Did you go through an agency?

Portofino - I think it's a little unfair to take a harsh tone with the OP, she's looking for opinions and a bit of support. 450€ is the minimum AP wage in Belgium, which has the highest AP wages in Europe. I think taking a job for 50€ a week is not unreasonable. If you've never found yourself in that situation before, it can sometimes take the voice of strangers to bring home how far from the norm your situation is.

As for not going through an agency, I found my nutty family through an online agency (who were pretty rubbish), and found an amazing family through GreatAuPair.com. I think it's all pretty hit or miss.

Go. Now.

Home is Coventry, I'm in Germany. I'm not leaving the kids by themselves. They all have school or preschool tomorrow so I will have time to sort things out in the calm light of day. Freaking out and running away won't help anyone. They're all curled up watching a film so they aren't going to be much trouble this evening.

Queenie I think you'll be fine. You don't need to run away tonight (and of course you would not leave the children alone) - but do make your leaving plans over the next few days.

Is pay day 30th?

Pay day is generally the end of the month but this month will be when the parents get home.

As long as I keep my head I'm sure I can last the week albeit with planning and secret packing. The cooking is the only thing that hurts a bit but my wrist is in a cast so it isnt too bad.

Also to say that you sound like you've had really bad luck with this placement. If you want to try again I'm sure you could go on to have a much better experience - and you'll be in good position to think about your and discuss your minimum and ideal requirements with the next family.

Sending you positive vibes

Thanks LtGreggs.

How does it work with food? Is it already all in house or could you get some ready meals / pizza in for the rest of week?

Tell kids your wrist is really bad and you need grandparent's (or similar) phone number to get them to help with meals?? (ie as excuse to get the number)

Or if you are really worried for welfare of you & kids over next few days remember you could go to kids schools for help - like if it's so bad that you think you need equivalent of social services involvement?

Leave ASAP. Call the police and tell them these fuckwits have left you on your own with the kids without informing you and that you are being exploited. Then get a bus and LEAVE the police to deal with it.

Fuck them! Seriously! Tell the school these parents left you with no warning with the kids and all about the abuse the kids dole out. Then jump a bus. Fuck 'em. They deserve to have social services climbing down their backs, the twats.

Oh dear, OP. I'm really not sure how you are managing to sound so calm. I would struggle with 3 kids and a broken wrist and I am a 36yo mother of two very lively boys. This situation is very bad news, in view of potential risks to the dc as well as the situation for you, as is the situation you are having to live in in general. (It does sound a bit unlikely tbh, but I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt, because if it is true it is bloody awful).

I'm in Germany and I can't help thinking the Jugendamt (= social services for children) might be interested in this, particularly wrt the 5yo. I wonder if you might leave a message on the parents' phones, or text them, to the effect that you will be contacting the Jugendamt if one (or both) of them doesn't come home? Where have they gone?

Or just do what expat says ^^

I would totally grass them up. And tell whatever SSPCA there is, too. Poor animal.

There's food in the house. I'm still planning on trying to get the grandparents' number when the movie finishes. I'll phone them tomorrow in my best German and see if I can get some help.

Yep ex pat and Picardy have made all the right suggestions.

Look, Queenie, that's not enough. If you were my daughter I would be over there on the first plane to get you the hell out of there and those fuckwit parents would be in jail for child abandonment and the kids in counselling for animal abuse.

GRASS THEM UP to the school and SS. Ring the cops, too.