I'm an AP and I am wondering whether any of this is normal(long)

[QueenieRae]

Hi all, would welcome some advice from people with experience of an AP. To set the scene, I'm an English AP in Western Europe and have been for two months now. There are three kids, 5, 10 and 13. After checking the guidelines for my host country online I am wondering whether I need to leave ASAP or if I'm just being a bit precious.

The good:
The youngest kid is lovely.
The mother is a SAHM.
I am allowed to attend a language course once a week.
I have a lovely large room with a balcony and shared use of the kids' bathroom.
I think my language skills are improving.

The slightly iffy:
I am paid 150 Euros a month. The internet seems to suggest I should be on at least 50Euro a week.
I have to pay for all my transport and language course.
I am expected to clean the house fully 4 times a week. This includes hoovering, polishing, cleaning the bathrooms, cleaning the kitchen floor, hob and oven, and dusting.
I do a lot of cooking, unless the family go out for dinner.
I babysit most evenings.

The uncomfortable:
I am not allowed to eat with the family, but eat whatever the kids leave from the meal. I'm also not allowed to help myself to anything.
The middle child is almost 9 stone(!). There don't tend to be leftovers.
I haven't actually had a paid day off yet. That said, the host family count my morning language course as time off.
I am not allowed to shut my bedroom door, ever. I change in the bathroom.
The older children are possibly psychopathic. Due to an 'accident' where one jumped on me while the other tripped me I now have a broken wrist. I was taken to hospital yesterday and now the parents have gone away for the week leaving me in charge of the kids.

I have little way of knowing whether I'm a good AP or not. Maybe I'm just crap or everything has been unlucky. That said, I have a broken wrist and I've lost almost a stone and a half.

To be honest, I'll probably leave before I was supposed to, but rational talking would be welcome.

ok, pack your bags.
make a list of usefull phone numbers, adresses, bus and coach time tables.
charge your phone.
take the kids to school and leave.

I really appreciate the offer portofino. I'll let you know if that's a viable option x

Well done you - good start.

(Overnight babysitting might be fine - if you've not got a broken wrist, are happy yourself with the situation, it's for a night not a week, and you have back - up contact details and cash provided... Think you might need to build up some confidence in your ability to make decisions about what is and is not Ok for you to take responsibility for.)

Oh, it's one of those families - desperate to raise kids with fluent English because they think it will let them get ahead but not interested in treating the person they use to achieve that with any respect That said, this is taking disrespect to a whole new level, tbh. It sounds a little bit like they can't really afford you but are so desperate for the English that they are relying on you putting up and shutting up. I really hope the grandmother puts a rocket up her daughter.

Pack up and bail when they are at school. Relocate the cat. You owe them NOTHING. They are abusive. I think the police need to find out about these older two.

You need to make it clear to the grandmother that you are leaving immediately and that responsibility has now passed to her until she gets hold of her daughter and son-in-law.

The 10 and 13yo are under the age of criminal responsibility (which is 14), so the police won't be interested, but you could certainly speak to the police about the parents' 'Verletzung der Aufsichtspflicht' over their children (= failure to supervise properly).

Ok looks like I could make it back to UK tomorrow or wednesday.

Get the fuck out of there !

Get packing!

Pack tonight, take the kids to school, relocate the cat and LEAVE. Report these fuckwits.

Tbh, I think IIWY I would speak to the police if only to cover your own back, in case the family makes a complaint that you 'abandoned' the children. You need to write stuff down, especially the sequence of events over the last couple of days and what the parents said to you as they left, how much warning they gave you, etc.

blimey poor you OP

marvellous MN advice given, you guys are GREAT

Where will you live when you get back to UK?

well done Queenie...
I am concerned about the cat tbh..suprised it doesn't scarper

I hope the kindergarten is sensible enough to go to social services if they think its necessary. I kind of just want to do the cowardly thing and leave

Leaving ASAP is NOT cowardly.
It's taking back control and getting yourself out of an abusive situation.
Good luck!!

I'll write everything down and give it to kindergarten.

I've just been talking to ex partner who is floating me some money and will let me stay there for a few nights while I work out what to do. Pride well and truly swallowed.

I have to echo pedlars... i really appreciate your advice.

Really need to put as many kids to bed as possible so i can pack

Do you have enough money for a ticket? I had the impression you had no money til they came back?

Jeez are they all still up? It is 11 here after all. My dd went to bed hours ago.

Just to say I have had lots of APs over the years and some of their friends occasionally use me as a shoulder to cry on when things go wrong, but this sounds a lot of worse than any of the horror stories I have heard. I also know Germany a bit, BTW.

1. It is unacceptable not to feed you.
2. It is unacceptable to leave you with a broken wrist to care for children overnight.
3. The children sound undisciplined to the point of being abusive to you, hence the broken wrist.

What would I do?
Exactly what you have planned, I think. Summon the grandparents, explain clearly the three reasons above, and leave. They are nutters.

Be very clear to the grandmother that she will have care of the children and will need to pick up the youngest. Tell kindergarten the same. Text and email parents the same.

Seriously consider Picardy's advice re telling police or jugen people what arrangement you have made for immediate care, and general concerns that lead up to that.

Do have a think about plan B in case grandmother is a no - show or turns up drunk or something.

Good luck!

I've just told my German dh about this thread. He was saying involve Jugendamt before I'd finished.

Kindergarten should be aware that this is the course of action they need to follow, but there can be an attitude of reluctance to rock the boat and a lot will depend on who you speak to.

it's important, I think, that you involve the authorities. If those kids can break their AP's wrist and torture the family cat (and I would give the local Tierschutzbund a call about that once you are safe), I don't necessarily think their young sibling is safe with them.

PS In 26 years of having APs myself we have had three nights away with APs in charge, and in each case the APs happened to be fully trained teachers or nursery nurses, so not your average AP. A week away I would never consider though, unless we had a proxy parent in place (£££).

You have to eat the childrens leftovers..hope you make them nice big portions then?