I'm an AP and I am wondering whether any of this is normal(long)

[QueenieRae]

Hi all, would welcome some advice from people with experience of an AP. To set the scene, I'm an English AP in Western Europe and have been for two months now. There are three kids, 5, 10 and 13. After checking the guidelines for my host country online I am wondering whether I need to leave ASAP or if I'm just being a bit precious.

The good:
The youngest kid is lovely.
The mother is a SAHM.
I am allowed to attend a language course once a week.
I have a lovely large room with a balcony and shared use of the kids' bathroom.
I think my language skills are improving.

The slightly iffy:
I am paid 150 Euros a month. The internet seems to suggest I should be on at least 50Euro a week.
I have to pay for all my transport and language course.
I am expected to clean the house fully 4 times a week. This includes hoovering, polishing, cleaning the bathrooms, cleaning the kitchen floor, hob and oven, and dusting.
I do a lot of cooking, unless the family go out for dinner.
I babysit most evenings.

The uncomfortable:
I am not allowed to eat with the family, but eat whatever the kids leave from the meal. I'm also not allowed to help myself to anything.
The middle child is almost 9 stone(!). There don't tend to be leftovers.
I haven't actually had a paid day off yet. That said, the host family count my morning language course as time off.
I am not allowed to shut my bedroom door, ever. I change in the bathroom.
The older children are possibly psychopathic. Due to an 'accident' where one jumped on me while the other tripped me I now have a broken wrist. I was taken to hospital yesterday and now the parents have gone away for the week leaving me in charge of the kids.

I have little way of knowing whether I'm a good AP or not. Maybe I'm just crap or everything has been unlucky. That said, I have a broken wrist and I've lost almost a stone and a half.

To be honest, I'll probably leave before I was supposed to, but rational talking would be welcome.

I don't think the kids are in any danger. I've not seen any sign of abuse to them. The kids are a bit mean to each other but I don't think it's out of the reasons of normal sibling fighting. More worried about the cat if I'm honest. I will do a bit of research on the jugendamt. Would i get into trouble if there was some were evidence of neglect seeing as I have been their au pair for months?

Phone them tonight? Ask one of the children to make the call and introduce you / give outline about awol parents then pass phone over to you.

Nb - kids that age should be able to fend for themselves on cereal, bread, pasta & tins with a bit of minimal supervision from you - don't hurt your wrist or tip a boiling pan down yourself trying to do something you can't.

No, you wouldn't be in trouble, you're not the parent. Have they left you in sole charge overnight before?

You sound very competent and as if your head is screwed on the right way, but you are early 20s, no children of your own, no childcare qualifications and your wrist is broken, and you are having to deal with kids who are not all that much younger than you and who sound behaviourally very difficult . And am I to understand correctly that the pair of them broke your wrist?!? How on earth did the parents respond to that?

This sounds like an unsafe situation for everyone concerned. I wouldn't necessarily be waiting until tomorrow to get help, tbh, and I wouldn't be contacting these so-called parents' parents, either.

They have parents who abandoned them, Queenie, and their behaviour towards the cat and you, tripping you and then jumping on you, is so worrying I think the police and SS do need to be involved.

They abuse you. They grow up and may well do this or worse to others.

Go to the school and tell them these so-called parents left you on your own with the kids, who broke your wrist and forced the cat to eat chilli powder, and you need to get OUT because, believe me, this family is exploiting and abusing you.

I also think you should tell the school first thing in the morning and make it clear that you aren't happy with the situation. Do you have the parents' email address? I would also want to get something in writing. Being alone with all three of them and a broken wrist is not good, especially given that the older two sound out of control. In the event that something does go wrong while the parents are away, you don't want to be held liable. They should never have put you in this position.

It's quarter past ten. I'm feeling british about disturbing them. That said, I'll go grab the eldest while he's in a good mood.

I planned on getting middle child to help a bit in the kitchen. Eldest barely eats and little one I don't want to accidentally scald.

You can ring your local police station - google the number (Polizeiwache plus your town/nearest town) - and ask for advice. Jugendämter tend to have emergency evening or 24h hotlines for people concerned about a child's welfare.

Do you know where the parents have gone?

I have a 9 year old - she can follow a recipe with me supervising. The older one certainly should be able to knock up something for dinner. How are you conversing with the children if your German is not up to a phone call?

Poor you I would be telling eldest child that you have to leave for the UK tomorrow (don't offer but I think personal reasons is adequate) & you need to speak to a family member urgently tonight. Then ring family member & tell them you are leaving tomorrow & someone needs to come & look after the children. That's if you don't like expats excellent advice.

You sound as if you are scared of these kids, sweetheart. This is very, very not good.

When he's in a good mood?! Queenie, he and his sibling tripped you and jumped on you and broke your wrist. You need to get out NOW.

Disturb them away! I wouldn't have gone home from hospital, I'd have told the doctors what these children had done.

I'd call the police. Now.

have you got a full plaster cast? can you fly?
bit random ..but do you have a follow up appt in the hospital that the parents need to take you to?

Put it this way, Queenie. If you happened to be my neighbour's AP (you're not, btw, I'm certain of that, partly because none of my neighbours have APs!) and I found out what the situation was in their house at the moment, I would be round there, getting hold of the parents by any means possible, and yes, probably calling the police and the Jugendamt. You are sounding unnaturally placid about all of this.

The kids are the responsibility of their parents - this situation is their doing not yours. If it's concern about getting yourself in to trouble that stops you escalating this to social services - that's absolutely not right. (it's worse to think that kind of intervention is needed and not seek it - even if it were you at fault)

If you think you need that kind of input it is going to be a nerve - wracking thing to do. I know nothing about Germany, but I'd go for dropping kids at school, walking to school office and saying that you need emergency meeting with head / senior teacher and will wait until they can see you. (unless you need police out tonight - bur from what you've said I don't get that impression)

LtGreggs - it's possible the school might not care (I know ), assuming both older children are at secondary. The youngest one won't be at school yet. If you decide to hang on until tomorrow morning (I don't recommend, btw), I would speak to someone senior at the youngest child's kindergarten, or to the 10yo's school if he or she is still at primary.

Last sentence was to OP, obviously.

You sound like you've been abused in the past and learned to keep quiet to not rock the boat .

You owe this family NOTHING!!!

I think it's a very bad idea to show your hand to the grandparents. They WILL tell the parents..

If you really have no money at all, perhaps the only option is to hang on in there until payday, take the kids to school and then never go back. Whatever chain of events that causes is not your concern.
Poor you!!!

Thanks Picardy - am cross posting with you and realise you know the German system - I am extrapolating from experience of having young primary kids in UK.

do you know other au pairs in your area?
ask around for jobs or lifts.
as to getting home, eurolines coaches are pretty cheap.
wrt to the children look up 'jugendamt' (children's services) of your area in case you need/want to leave before the parents are back.

when I was an au pair in the us I drove an au pair I met once before to the airport as she was kicked out by her family in the middle of the night

Right. Quick phone call later the grandmother says that she will come over tomorrow first thing and that she will try to call her daughter.

I am quite placid, you're right. I've been dealing with this family for two months and my life got easier when i plonked the three children in front of a tv and didnt have the adults around. I was under the impression from a russian AP i met that overnight babysitting isnt unusual.

I have another appointment in two weeks to change the type of cast from a split-plaster thing into a bandage splint.

The parents speak english around the house. The older kids are really good at english, the younger one uses denglisch and charades. I have rusty A level German.

If I take 5yo to school tomorrow I will talk to his school about my concerns.

I am in Brussels. If you can get to me on the bus/train, I will feed you and ensure you get safely home.

The grandmother sounds nice although she has no English. I've spoken to the kindergarten teachers before when the kid got sent home with a headache and they sound quite caring