Dh making racial comparisons about my pregnant body but shuts down conversations about race

[pleaseguveadvicenotattack]

Hi everyone - please be kind as I'm really struggling and have no one to talk to IRL about this. Not looking for judgment or "why did you marry him" comments.

I'm Black, pregnant, and my husband (white) recently compared my changing body to tribal women, tried showing me explicit photos as "examples."

We have a good relationship overall but racial issues come up monthly and he completely shuts down when I try to discuss them.

I'm really worried about the impact on our future child and need advice on how to approach these conversations without him getting defensive. I know the difference between appreciating African features versus using them negatively.

Looking specifically for communication strategies from others in interracial relationships. How do you discuss racial sensitivity when your partner shuts down?

How would you approach this in the best way to avoid shutting down?

OP - as I said earlier, I don’t know any black women who have managed to stay happily married to white men who are racist. I only know a few who stayed (temporarily) because they needed to remain married as they were economically dependent on the man/needed to sort out their immigration status. No black woman I know has remained happily married to someone racist. Beyond the race stuff it sounds like your husband is also generally not great - the shutting down conversations, gaslighting you, making you feel insecure (while pregnant with his child no less) etc.
do not bode well. Without him willing to even acknowledge that he needs to do very serious work on many fronts I can’t see any way your relationship will improve.

Reread what @Garlicwest said - they’ve explained this very well. Your pregnancy has just brought to the surface what I suspect was better hidden but you always knew - this man is not your person and nothing anyone says on here or you try to do will change that. He’s the only one who can change and there’s nothing you’ve said to indicate he wants to. Most racist people don’t consider themselves as such, but him shutting down any race related discussions tells me he knows his views, words and actions are problematic. I think your protective instincts are kicking in subconsciously thanks to your pregnancy because you realize how difficult and damaging having a father like him will be for you and your child. His racism is just one issue - he sounds controlling, unsupportive and terrible for your self-esteem. I wish you all the best.

@Ifyouinsistthen thank you. He does not consider himself to be racist and he e just don't seek to be able to discuss race on a level to which we both agree. Does that mean he's a racist?

I'd prefer to say he's ignorant and finds it difficult to empathise without a lived experience. But I think racist is harsh.

I’ve never met anyone racist who admitted they were. Google “but I have a black friend” - plenty of racist people marry people outside their race, just like plenty of sexist men marry women. I know you’d prefer to say he lacks empathy because this minimizes the truth and the enormity of your realization - this man insisted on showing you offensive tribal photos of African women! What the hell is that about?!? That is wrong on so many levels, if you can’t see this I genuinely feel sorry for you.

I hate to break it to you but all the 5 white men I dated (including when we were both teenagers with very limited life experience and exposure) did not have to have lived a black experience in order to have mature relationships about race, or appreciate that certain things would rub me differently given I am a black woman. And as I said, none of them ever made insensitive, insulting or derogatory comments about my color, features or heritage. Having reread your posts I think perhaps consider some therapy to unpack what seem like very complex views and feelings about your self-identity, self-esteem and expectations of what a healthy relationship (regardless of race) should look like.

OK, OP, then why, in your understanding, did he excitedly choose an image of a pregnant tribeswoman to show you what you look like?

He could've exhibited someone like Beyoncé, Naomi Campbell, or one of many iconic women who've done pregnancy photocalls - but why do you believe he sought a comparator at all; don't you just look like yourself with child?

... did not have to have lived a black experience in order to have mature relationships about race, or appreciate that certain things would rub me differently given I am a black woman.

... perhaps consider some therapy to unpack what seem like very complex views and feelings about your self-identity, self-esteem and expectations of a healthy relationship

Well said @Ifyouinsistthen.

@Garlicwest he was trying to say I looked like I'd let myself go as I had started joking about it and rather than reassurance he agreed and showed me the picture - he insists the fact she was black was purely to find someone that looked similar but he would have picked anyone black that just looked like they had let themselves go - it's by coincidence she was in Africa and appeared to be part of a tribe

@Garlicwest believe it or not I have a very strong sense of identity.

Despite how crazy this story may sound to some!

OP I say this as a Black woman he's racist and your child is at risk...

@MotherOfRatios the thread is quick to throw labels as you've done.

It's not helpful, maybe racially insensitive but racist feels like something I cannot confront
Right now

In a way he is possibly being a misogynist, or maybe that isn’t quite the right word, but a man who cannot take what a woman really is. Not looking like you did before you were pregnant isn’t letting yourself go. It is just being a pregnant woman.

@ScrollingLeaves genuinely though, I have let myself go.

Particularly the last few weeks and I started the conversation about this with him

I'm not throwing labels his behaviour is racist and white women have said this.

i have friends who have been in your position but left for the child, I hope one day you'll realise preferably before it inflicts harm on your child, sending love and my messages are always open.

It might be hard to recognise now because you want that idyllic nuclear family especially when DSBW are consistently told they're not worthy of it, but you deserve someone FAR more loving OP!

In what way do you mean? Not washing your hair etc? Do you know why, for example, do you feel tired? Do you feel depressed?

You have said you started the conversation about letting yourself go. Did he say anything at all before you brought it up? Has he said anything before that meant you began to think you are not attractive now you are pregnant?

Do you know what exactly you feel about him comparing you to the tribal woman?

For example, do you feel let down that instead he didn’t just say he loves you more than ever and you are more beautiful than ever?

Did you think that, if he thinks you are like the tribal woman in the picture, and the woman in the picture did not look conventionally beautiful, that is an unflattering mirror he is holding up to you and shows how he thinks you are unattractive now?

Let’s keep this simple.

Do you feel loved, protected and cherished? That is all that matters because I think that is what you should feel and what you deserve.

@MotherOfRatios loved yes, protected and cherished no

Meant for @ScrollingLeaves

To me this would explain why you are upset as much as racism per se. Any pregnant woman of any culture or race should be protected and cherished. A mature enough man’s love should include this, especially when it creates a child. Everything the man does should be emphasising how much he values and cares for this pregnant woman.

I didn't say you are being weird but your partner's behaviour.

What exactly is bullshit on the post?

No im not a troll or making it up. It's my life and this is actually happening - I don't think it's that unbelievable to be honest

I had a partner like this. Especially, when I was pregnant (a multiple pregnancy), he took great delight in talking about my 'African' 'features'. I remember him and his father putting Zulu on, and sniggering to themselves.

He then would make numerous comments about my 'dark' skintone, in comparison to our children's. He also used to constantly comment on lighter skinned women on TV and how he would love to f_ck them. I was especially vulnerable being pregnant, as with most expectant mothers.

Like I say, he really ramped it up when I was expecting. And looking back, he def got a kick out of it. I couldn't stay with him, so split up with him. I have found that some (white) men really are peculiar in their way of thinking when it comes to black/brown women...I could write a novel, giving examples. And, before you come for me, not all men..but there is definitely an undesirable streak in some of them, that really is only surface level and does not take a lot to come to the surface. Some want to fuck the forbidden fruit..not marry them...a direct quote from my ex, AFTER we had the children.

Looking back, there were red flags that I ignored: how racist his family were, for one. But, being young and dumb, I really didn't properly think it through. But anyways, my 'babies' are now late twenties and I couldn't be more proud of them all 🙂

I have been thinking about this thread, and you,OP.

Going back to my time, I remember being in this constant state of anxiety/fear. Anxious when he put the tele on, anxious to go outside..all because of his thinly veiled comments. My children have a very loose kind of relationship with him due to him choosing not to be there for them. To this day, I never really went into detail about this unsavoury side to him.

I do hope you can get through this and please remember, you have a lot of online support on this forum. No doubt when the baby is born, he'll do a complete 180 (well, he'll still be a twat) but he'll then find something else to focus on.

I was in a mental prison being with my children's dad. And the sickest thing is, he ENJOYED EVERY MINUTE OF PUTTING ME/MY RACE DOWN. His father particularly enjoyed going on and on and on about issues pertaining to race, in my presence. This wasn't because he was concerned, it was merely to put me down.

I have nothing but distain for them now. If you ask me, they are a special kind of..

Please PM me if you'd like to talk of off here. My heart truly goes out to you because, once upon a time, I was you 💔

I’m so sorry you met and experienced such horrific abuse, what the hell is wrong with some people. To get such delight from making you feel shamed about yourself is abhorrent .

Thank you for your kind words, SpryCat.

I only wish I knew. It's baffling but what I will say is that without the right love and guidance, once of my children would have turned out having a similar attitude to their father, despite having a black mum.

Thought process must be hereditary, given that they never knew their father but displayed the EXACT same (negative)traits/views, towards me, when younger. Luckily, we can have open dialogue about it now that they are older 😊 However, their siblings (born on the same day) do not seem to have exhibited those traits.

OP, there is something very wrong with your husband's way of thinking and how he treats you. Deep down you know this. You expressed your thoughts about letting yourself go. The response of a husband who cares about you and appreciates the demands on your body that comes with pregnancy would have simply reassured you. The whole searching for a photo of a tribes woman is weird and what did the tribes woman looked like that would bear resemblance to a woman letting herself go? Did he say what the tribes woman represents a woman who has let herself go?