Dh making racial comparisons about my pregnant body but shuts down conversations about race

[pleaseguveadvicenotattack]

Hi everyone - please be kind as I'm really struggling and have no one to talk to IRL about this. Not looking for judgment or "why did you marry him" comments.

I'm Black, pregnant, and my husband (white) recently compared my changing body to tribal women, tried showing me explicit photos as "examples."

We have a good relationship overall but racial issues come up monthly and he completely shuts down when I try to discuss them.

I'm really worried about the impact on our future child and need advice on how to approach these conversations without him getting defensive. I know the difference between appreciating African features versus using them negatively.

Looking specifically for communication strategies from others in interracial relationships. How do you discuss racial sensitivity when your partner shuts down?

How would you approach this in the best way to avoid shutting down?

@SecondUsername4me I have always done it but before had a good physique!

Now I guess it's more noticeable? Off putting from his perspective (given he only likes slim women and has always been very open about that).

I mean this in the politest way - I don't have any advice to give because I don't really understand why a Black woman would ask in an area of MN which is likely to be predominantly White women for advice about racism.

The trouble is he won’t listen Op no matter what you say he tries to justify everything without acknowledging your feelings. He needs to open his mind, he might not think what he does or says is inappropriate because it’s not coming from a place of malice but to you it’s insulting to your heritage. I would explain that racism isn’t just insults or certain words it’s not being respectful to someone’s heritage.

@Socrateswasrightaboutvoting you said moving it may not be the best idea?

I also see there's quite a few mixed responses on here but if Mumsnet can move it to the best most appropriate place then that's great

You’r blooming Op with child, his child, it’s not very nice to say your not making the best of yourself or saying anything about your figure. Your body is growing a baby ❤️

@SpryCat I'm not sure he's seeing it like that and I get the feeling he's worried to become a dad and he has said this.

OP - Hand on heart, do you really believe that those monthly racial issues you referred to, where he completely shuts down when you try to discuss them, will improve or won't occur as frequently if you adopt an alternative form of communication?

Have you written about this before?

The thread got removed pretty swiftly because it wasn’t genuine.

I think OP it's hard to advise on how to communicate with him because what you've described suggests he's very defensive and not open to listening and learning.

I can only think of basic, "I feel X when you say Y..." language to express how you feel, but I think you've tried that already.

I'm white and I can't imagine not understanding why what he's said is upsetting and racist. I think one way of getting through to someone who doesn't see the racism is perhaps to find an example in their own life of systemic oppression or discrimination, one which similarly isn't intentional. This is difficult when it's a white (middle class?) man.

Perhaps videos on microaggressions, ones describing how they work across different sections of society (so he sees the microaggression effect, but doesn't feel he's being accused of malicious intent or racism...)?

However, you shouldn't feel you have to explain these things to him (unless you really want to and feel up to dealing with it).

I think maybe have a really serious sit down talk with him and just bulldoze right through, whether he tries to shut you down or not.

Don't let him shut you up. Stop going quiet, call him out on it every single time.

If he refuses to engage with you, then there's not much hope for a good relationship between you.

You could maybe try relationship counselling, but you'd need to find a counsellor who properly understands the racial aspect otherwise it'll probably not achieve anything.

@Lighteningstrikes I've not written about this specific issue before

@jennymac31 I honestly don't know / I'm not convinced it will ever change and the way he lashes out (it isn't hair racial isssues this happens but race he shuts down more because he cannot understand it at all)

I feel he isn't wants a hassle free life and me getting upset he said makes him feel bad. I believe he sees my upset as an inconvenience to his life rather than looking at what he's done

He’s a racist. He thinks less of you because of your heritage. Do you want to stay with him? Because it’s not going to change you can’t talk him out of this with a different communication style and to be frank why would you want to. Do you honestly love someone who treats you like this?

He went on to say he feels because I'm walking around naked a lot it's like I've regressed and become less sophisticated and he would have used a photo of any race person (yet he specifically googled naked black woman holding a baby to compare me to and chose the one of a woman in Africa wearing feathers etc that looked primitive)?

I call bullshit on this thread. This is a step too far

You response was a bit odd to the suggestion of moving, even though some of the responses have red flags all over them. I felt, on reflection, that Black MN didn't need to see comments like those. It still happens but we don't need to invite it in. I'll be honest I am finding it hard to believe you are really Black. There has been a bit of that on MN recently.

This. Stop gentling him.

FFs this is not a joke, I need help. This is not made up as some posters suggest.

@Socrateswasrightaboutvoting if you're not here to help bit critique then please don't post.

I'm in turmoil, physically sick and depressed and asked kindly for peppe to help not give me stick. But no.

Well believe it I am black. I'm a struggling black woman that feels ashamed and alone right now

That’s your partners fault not ours.

Hello @pleaseguveadvicenotattack

I’m sorry you feel unsupported. I definitely don’t think you’ve got anything to feel ashamed about!

I think I would be sitting him down and firmly saying I never wanted him to compare my body to another woman’s again, period, and that showing me unsolicited explicit photos was also not to be repeated ever again.

Then I would be saying that we needed to be able to talk about race if this relationship was going to work long term.

DO you want the relationship to last?

Ok you don’t want to leave do therapy about the race issues.

tell him it’s a dealbreaker therapy or out but you’ll have to mean it

I have to agree

Op you have nothing to be ashamed about, you are pregnant and your body is changing but after you give birth you will get your figure back. You are not alone as you can come on here and have written conversations.

What you want to find out is is he shutting down as it’s his response to criticism? Does he normally listen and take information in or does he feel he knows everything?
Everyone get nervous about being first time parents, your worrying that H won’t want the reality of a baby and wife, is that a worry? Or does your H like a peaceful life? pregnancy made me emotional but my feelings were still relevant and I discussed them, you can’t shut someone down because it makes you feel bad. You need to be able to resolve it together else the other partner feels feel.

His attitude is deeply concerning. I'm going to put words to what I think are the worst things the worst men have in their heads.

He's revealing a lot of his hidden feelings, misogynistic beliefs and racist thoughts - he 'only likes slim women' instead of seeing the beauty of a woman carrying a baby, you're 'being ridiculous' and, in my opinion, worst of all, not only thinks you've 'regressed', become like an animal and with every scrap of racism towards black women it's possible to dredge up, feels it's necessary to tell you that 'you look like one of those savages'.

You've got a racist misogynist with a fetish on your hands. He's not being offensive, misogynist and racist towards you despite wanting to marry you or because he doesn't understand, it's why he wanted to marry you - his fetish is the racist imagery he's now letting you hear about now that you're more vulnerable. It's all about the sickening crimes committed against enslaved women, the crimes of colonialism, the brutality of white male power. The wanker's probably 'joked' about having 'tamed you' in public, confident that nobody realised it wasn't in the context of you going to parties, dating or out with friends/skydiving/whatever hobbies you had, it was in the context of having 'tamed a savage beast'. His having this racist fetish doesn't stop him being racist, it means he has more to lose by allowing it to be seen, hence his shutting you down when he isn't actively racially abusing you - if you realise his deepest thoughts, he loses access to his fetish object.

If you decide to leave (and I hope you do for your sake and that of your child), be very careful. Leaving's always a dangerous time, but this man doesn't see you as fully human. He's not going to react well to you rejecting him instead of being grateful for his (puke) civilising influence and (quadruple puke) colonialist sperm.

Please, get support from everybody you can.

From a Black woman to another you're with a racist, and I have many thoughts but if I say them other people will bash me and I don't have the energy for that, but work on your confidence!

but you need to leave him, this relationship could really harm your child and it's not fair to you!

He sounds absolutely awful. I am sorry. Men often show their true selves when their partner is pregnant.