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Original poster

Dh making racial comparisons about my pregnant body but shuts down conversations about race

153 replies

pleaseguveadvicenotattack · 13/12/2024 18:45

Hi everyone - please be kind as I'm really struggling and have no one to talk to IRL about this. Not looking for judgment or "why did you marry him" comments.

I'm Black, pregnant, and my husband (white) recently compared my changing body to tribal women, tried showing me explicit photos as "examples."

We have a good relationship overall but racial issues come up monthly and he completely shuts down when I try to discuss them.

I'm really worried about the impact on our future child and need advice on how to approach these conversations without him getting defensive. I know the difference between appreciating African features versus using them negatively.

Looking specifically for communication strategies from others in interracial relationships. How do you discuss racial sensitivity when your partner shuts down?

How would you approach this in the best way to avoid shutting down?

OP posts:
FancyAnxiety · 13/12/2024 20:05

hardarara · 13/12/2024 20:00

Red flags:

compared my changing body to tribal women, tried showing me explicit photos as "examples."

racial issues come up monthly and he completely shuts down when I try to discuss them.

I'm really worried about the impact on our future child and need advice on how to approach these conversations without him getting defensive.

I know the difference between appreciating African features versus using them negatively.

If I was in your situation his behaviour would make me incredibly uncomfortable. Also lots of men are known for changing their behaviour (to be awful) when their partner is pregnant or when there is a new baby around. It is a known thing.

Aside from the inapprorpriate things he's said and done, he is belittling and denying your feelings when you try to express why it makes you uncomfortable, refusing to discuss / gaslighting by denial and using passive aggression rather than engaging in a grown up manner. None of these are a good sign.

This.

OP - you asked - Looking specifically for communication strategies from others in interracial relationships. How do you discuss racial sensitivity when your partner shuts down?

I’m a WOC and if my white partner did this our relationship would be over. I don’t tolerate this and neither should anyone. It’s basic respect. I’m only in this relationship because we can discuss race without anyone shutting down.

Socrateswasrightaboutvoting · 13/12/2024 20:06

@pleaseguveadvicenotattack I think you just have to write @ mumsnet, as one word and it will tag mumsnet and you can request a move. Given a couple of the responses on this thread, it might not be the best idea.

Newsenmum · 13/12/2024 20:06

pleaseguveadvicenotattack · 13/12/2024 19:28

@girljulian I think it's weird too but what makes you say that?

He gets so defensive when he thinks he has been called racist and there appears to be no way to tell him about racially inappropriate comments without him jumping to this conclusion.

I just want him to learn but his defensiveness makes this impossible

in what way did he compare you and what about it upset you? Like what was he actually trying to say?

wizzywig · 13/12/2024 20:07

Ugh is this what is meant by negging? I'm furious for you and the baby! Can imagine what crap he will come out with with the baby

mindutopia · 13/12/2024 20:09

This to me sounds like a degree of fetishisation rather than racism, and yes, I agree it would make me uncomfortable. I think you need to give him an ultimatum to actually talk about it with you.

Keroppi · 13/12/2024 20:09

Wtf why are you allowing that when you're going to have a poc child

Start comparing him to random white men every time he does it? Buy him Why I'm not talking to white people about race for his Xmas present ?

Newsenmum · 13/12/2024 20:11

mindutopia · 13/12/2024 20:09

This to me sounds like a degree of fetishisation rather than racism, and yes, I agree it would make me uncomfortable. I think you need to give him an ultimatum to actually talk about it with you.

I agree and the most concerning bit is he won’t talk about it with you.

pimplebum · 13/12/2024 20:12

Red flag 🚩
“ accused me of not making an effort “
this is horrific. , no man should ever expect demand or sulk about lack of sex ever , DEFINITELY not during pregnancy

how do you not see this as a red flag it’s abusive behaviour !

pimplebum · 13/12/2024 20:16

It does not matter if what he is doing would be considered racist or if 100 people would be ok or not ok with it. The point is YOU asked him not to show you the picture and he did and disrespected YOU

pimplebum · 13/12/2024 20:17

The fact you knew in advance the picture would upset you speaks volumes he obviously has form for this type of behaviour

2025willbemytime · 13/12/2024 20:17

Seems your husband didn't realise you were black when he married you. If he has a problem with your race he'll have a problem with your child's..

WhoopsNow · 13/12/2024 20:18

Mumof2girls2121 · 13/12/2024 19:58

Forgive my ignorance - genuine question here, a truly racist person would not have married a person of a race they discriminate against, would they?

I think you can. He can be racist on a subconscious level. It's called subconscious racial bias. The way to deal with it is for him to acknowledge it, recognise it, take responsibility for it, and admit his mistakes. He isn't going to do that being all defensive.

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 13/12/2024 20:18

So you married a racist? WTAF?

Brownbottle · 13/12/2024 20:23

Mumof2girls2121 · 13/12/2024 19:58

Forgive my ignorance - genuine question here, a truly racist person would not have married a person of a race they discriminate against, would they?

Well sexist men marry women all the time…..doesn’t make them any less sexist

Opentooffers · 13/12/2024 20:25

Comparing you to any woman's, what I presume was, a naked body (as explicit), obscene behaviour and could only be for the purpose of belittling.
He's got issues, as does any man who avoids sex when their DP is pregnant. I could not of stud for that as I was rampant when pregnant- happily my sons father was obliging, and great fun it was too.

Viviennemary · 13/12/2024 20:27

Sayn I don't like this conversation. Please stop this. If he doesnt you have a big problem

Sleepysleepycoffeecoffee · 13/12/2024 20:29

What other things has he said or done in relation to your race?

itsmylife7 · 13/12/2024 20:31

Mumof2girls2121 · 13/12/2024 19:58

Forgive my ignorance - genuine question here, a truly racist person would not have married a person of a race they discriminate against, would they?

Yes they would and do.

You'd be very surprised what goes on in some people's minds.

Sugargliderwombat · 13/12/2024 20:33

To be honest I think comparing you to an explicit photo of any woman is disgusting and id stop worrying about communication strategies. Tell him it's disgusting and racist and it makes you feel like shit.

Sugargliderwombat · 13/12/2024 20:35

Also, it's not your job to teach him how not to be a racist prick.

Cableknitdreams · 13/12/2024 20:45

HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf · 13/12/2024 20:03

As a white woman, I will answer this so the OP doesn't have to: a hell of a lot of white men (and women too, actually) have sexual fetishes about women of other races. It's hugely unpleasant and I sincerely hope OP's DH isn't like that, but it does happen. I have a friend of Chinese origin and she comes across this a lot.

Show quote history

This is one possibility. Also, more commonly, many people believe they are not racist and do not discriminate, might even have strong, ethical beliefs against racism, but aren't fully aware of entrenched racist attitudes or behaviours that were so everyday in their childhoods they haven't seen beyond them.

Then if they're very defensive (because they see themselves as antiracist) they then end up perpetuating racism by their refusal to discuss or learn differently.

Renamed · 13/12/2024 20:48

He has entrenched opinions about how he views race - which are very wrong - and he will not listen to someone who can give him much better information, isn’t even calling him out, only wants him to learn. I’m sorry OP. I’m not black btw. The way he behaves towards you sounds really belittling.

Opentooffers · 13/12/2024 20:50

Men who are sexist still get married, same thing, they just like to feel superior, for being male, or in this case, white, or both. Means they don't have to try at anything in life because they feel their birthright entitles them, without need of effort. Marriage a form of ownership to their minds.

UneFoisAuChalet · 13/12/2024 20:57

Mixed race here and married to a ‘white guy’. My dad is white so I think I come from a place of knowledge.

Just no OP. My dad and husband have never ever compared us to pregnant tribal African woman and showed us pictures. If they had, we would no longer be married to them.

We’re not any different to white pregnant woman and if he can’t wrap his little head around it he needs to fuck off. And I mean this from the bottom of my mixed race little heart.

My father had to work overtime batting down all the racists who asked him if his kids were adopted and all the other veiled racist comments, My husband h doesn’t have to do as much work because it’s not 1984 but we still get the random ignorant comments. This isn’t for the faint of heart. He’s either in - understanding what being two races is - or he’s not.

There is so much I can say OP but I will say that if you have that niggling feeling it might not be all ok, you need to think long and hard if he’s the right person.

Dweetfidilove · 13/12/2024 20:58

We have a good relationship overall but racial issues come up monthly and he completely shuts down when I try to discuss them.

I trust these only started after you got pregnant? My 15 yo daughter is asking why you'd have a baby with him, if that is not the case.

As a black woman with friends of all races and origins, I've never heard of a woman or husband of any variety, looking up tribal pictures to ensure they're 'blooming' correctly.

You're in for a world of trouble here and I feel for the baby about to be brought into this mess. You cannot approach this sensitively, when he has no regard for your 'sensitivities.'