Dh making racial comparisons about my pregnant body but shuts down conversations about race

[pleaseguveadvicenotattack]

Hi everyone - please be kind as I'm really struggling and have no one to talk to IRL about this. Not looking for judgment or "why did you marry him" comments.

I'm Black, pregnant, and my husband (white) recently compared my changing body to tribal women, tried showing me explicit photos as "examples."

We have a good relationship overall but racial issues come up monthly and he completely shuts down when I try to discuss them.

I'm really worried about the impact on our future child and need advice on how to approach these conversations without him getting defensive. I know the difference between appreciating African features versus using them negatively.

Looking specifically for communication strategies from others in interracial relationships. How do you discuss racial sensitivity when your partner shuts down?

How would you approach this in the best way to avoid shutting down?

Honestly this doesn’t look good.

A loving (and not racist) partner would not do this. You shouldn’t be having “racial issues” with a partner at all.

Maybe he is very proud of you and your changing body, and is somewhat clumsily trying to identify with your black heritage?

He did what!?! That's bloody mad, I cannot fathom how he would ever think this is okay, or how it even came up to compare you to anyone, let alone with the inference of racism it has! I'm so sorry OP.

@Words no the conversation started because it's obvious he hasn't wanted to have sex with me lately and accused me of making no effort but did say he liked it and it's cute in a separate breath

There's an area for black Mnetters, it's under 'Other Stuff' and you might get more or better advice on there from women who have had similar experiences.

Sorry I can't actually help, but thought I'd mention if you weren't aware. As a PoC (not black) I don't know how I'd react (probably badly, tbh) but what a way to make you uncomfortable! I'm so sorry your husband has done this to you.

@OrlandointheWilderness before he showed me the photo I asked him not to because I KNEW what it was going to be and I knew I'd feel sick (not at the photo but of the comparison and the racial element of how it would make me feel very uncomfortable).

Because a family member would not have made that comparison even which makes me know it's not ok

but racial issues come up monthly and he completely shuts down when I try to discuss them

Seriously? Just re-read that bit. You've married a racist.

Feel free to keep in here but this is probably better placed in Black Mumsnetters ,the section that @evtheria mentioned. We may be better placed to advise you.

Did you tell him it was out of order when he sent it?

This is weird and awful, I’m so sorry OP. What have you said to him before when you’ve tried to approach the issue? And what does he say to shut it down? He is being racist, but lots of people get defensive when they’re told that, so possibly you need to make it less definitive for him (not that you should have to!). Maybe “DH, it makes me uncomfortable when you make comments about my race because I don’t think they sound to you the way they sound to me, and I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t” or something like that?

Sorry OP but there are lots of red flags with his behaviour.

@hardarara such as?

@girljulian I think it's weird too but what makes you say that?

He gets so defensive when he thinks he has been called racist and there appears to be no way to tell him about racially inappropriate comments without him jumping to this conclusion.

I just want him to learn but his defensiveness makes this impossible

@sunflowersngunpowdr no I just went quiet because I know it's going to cause issues and I have to work out how to approach him as if I do it wrong he will shit down - hence the need for advice really

A red flag for me is that he gets defensive when you try to explain why you're uncomfortable/racist element.

This is a way of controlling your reaction - basically conditioning you to put up and shut up.

Sorry OP it doesn't sound good. Especially during pregnancy when you're feeling vulnerable.

Oh dear. Given the limited information given, I personally would characterise his behaviour as extremely crass over racist. He doesn’t sound particularly clued up or remotely sensitive, which begs the question, how the hell did you end up married and pregnant to this man?

I doubt very much that he has suddenly become this person and I suspect there’s been many instances where for whatever reason, you’ve decided to ignore this particular side to his character. Moving forward, you need to decide if you want to continue to ignore this side of him, if not, then you need to tell him and try and take it from there.

@titchy yes I feel exactly that he is trying to condition me to make my heritage and his sometimes clumsy reference to it a non issue.

Almost because he forgets being with a black woman comes with other things that he almost doesn't want to accept/deal with.

I feel sad and sick. He keeps asking me what's wrong I just say nothing and smile - I don't want to bring this up until I figure the right way

@Socrateswasrightaboutvoting thank you I will consider moving if the responses here aren't helpful. How do I do this?

Could you tell him, if I am guessing roughly how you might have felt, that that comment made you feel a bit as though he sees you as ‘other’ and as something like an anthropological curiosity rather than his counterpart, his beloved wife?

He has to listen. He cannot just expect you to not express your feelings.

@ScrollingLeaves I don't think it would resonate - he will try and work out of it by saying I'm now making the woman an issue if that makes sense?

Forgive my ignorance - genuine question here, a truly racist person would not have married a person of a race they discriminate against, would they?

Red flags:

compared my changing body to tribal women, tried showing me explicit photos as "examples."

racial issues come up monthly and he completely shuts down when I try to discuss them.

I'm really worried about the impact on our future child and need advice on how to approach these conversations without him getting defensive.

I know the difference between appreciating African features versus using them negatively.

If I was in your situation his behaviour would make me incredibly uncomfortable. Also lots of men are known for changing their behaviour (to be awful) when their partner is pregnant or when there is a new baby around. It is a known thing.

Aside from the inapprorpriate things he's said and done, he is belittling and denying your feelings when you try to express why it makes you uncomfortable, refusing to discuss / gaslighting by denial and using passive aggression rather than engaging in a grown up manner. None of these are a good sign.

What do you mean by racial issues come up monthly? Clearly he’s said and done other things that make you uncomfortable.

As a white woman, I will answer this so the OP doesn't have to: a hell of a lot of white men (and women too, actually) have sexual fetishes about women of other races. It's hugely unpleasant and I sincerely hope OP's DH isn't like that, but it does happen. I have a friend of Chinese origin and she comes across this a lot.

By the way, when comparing your changing body to ANYBODY (whether that is a tribal woman or anyone) is a really odd thing to do. No pregnant (or otherwise) woman wants their body objectified in this way. It is so weird.