Dh making racial comparisons about my pregnant body but shuts down conversations about race

[pleaseguveadvicenotattack]

Hi everyone - please be kind as I'm really struggling and have no one to talk to IRL about this. Not looking for judgment or "why did you marry him" comments.

I'm Black, pregnant, and my husband (white) recently compared my changing body to tribal women, tried showing me explicit photos as "examples."

We have a good relationship overall but racial issues come up monthly and he completely shuts down when I try to discuss them.

I'm really worried about the impact on our future child and need advice on how to approach these conversations without him getting defensive. I know the difference between appreciating African features versus using them negatively.

Looking specifically for communication strategies from others in interracial relationships. How do you discuss racial sensitivity when your partner shuts down?

How would you approach this in the best way to avoid shutting down?

I'm so sorry OP.
I think you should seek support outside your marriage.
You are very vulnerable and he sounds awful.

Op he's being very weird about the whole situation- and yet the baby still not here- imagine how fragile you gonna be then and he'll be dropping his racist remarks...
The child gonna be exposed to this as well and gonna think it's okay to think this way.

I wouldn't even try to fix the relationship or communication in your position.

He sounds vile.

Read something about gaslighting and narcissistic behaviour.

I’m actually interested in your thoughts? I am lost for words on the fetish people talk of, I see beauty in every colour.

My thoughts aren't really for white folk it's more intra community thoughts, particularly if the woman is darker skinned comments from Black men often we think it's easier to date outside our race end up settling because years of bullying from black men takes its toll so sometimes due to lack of confidence it's easy to settle in bad situations just because you've been 'chosen'. It's complex

@pleaseguveadvicenotattack the issue is there is no reasonable advice anyone can give, other than leave. He is who he is. He won't change and it will extend to your children soon.

You and your children will end up having to play "white" and put up and shut up. Also, I'll bet any negative behaviour traits from your children will generate more "jokes".

You can't talk to him because he won’t listen. There's no communication technique to MAKE someone hear you when they don't want to. I mean, you could try a letter/email/message so you're removed from the situation and he has some time to mull it rather than reacting right away but I honestly doubt you'll get what you want.

If you stay, the best you can hope for is to ask him to never make any comments or jokes that involve black people, but that's it. And of course that just means the thoughts and intentions will still be there, you just won’t hear them. That’s only if he even cares enough to abstain. Odds are he doesn't.

I thought darker skinned prejudice came from colonial times from white people, why has that carried on by black men? It was used to divide and conquer. It was made up to feel shame about the colour of your skin so why are men still using that ludicrous made up baloney?

The cat is trying to lure you in @MotherOfRatios Don't take the bait.

OP don’t you think Black Mumsnet might be best for advising you, as other posters have suggested. Do you need help to find it, or to get this thread moved?

He shouldn't be shutting down anything that's important to you and your identity is as important as it gets. I understand a lot of white people are ignorant about racial oppression and (wrongly) don't go out of their way to inform themselves, but you've specifically communicated how important this is to you and he doesn't seem to care. Keep an eye on that in general- does he herbal dismiss your perpective?
He won't be the first white parent of a mixed child who is ignorant and invalidating but remember you children have you and you will help support and validate them. I hope once your child is here he'll do some learning.
Is he willing to do any education like read why I'm no longer talking to white people about race? Watch you tube videos about intersectionality and micro aggressions? There is a lot of resources from the Runnymede trust aimed at school children which might be at his level.

Could you say you need couples therapy and get a black therapist (or perhaps even better, mixed, as they will have experience of both cultures)

Don't panic too far ahead now, focus on getting through your pregnancy.

I saw an image online about the comfort zone, the growth zone etc for becoming antiracist that might help

Not at all, I find it strange that’s all

Yes I agree. He reminds me of how my ex treated me when pregnant when I tried to express feelings or said and did anything that he perceived as criticism (he then walked out on men at 8m pregnant as I told him I felt upset about some things he'd said and done at the weekend and I wanted to talk about them- two years on I am so grateful not to be living with him although that was a very hard time!)

Yes they would. Just like mysoginists marry and sleep with women.

You can be attracted to someone without respecting that aspect of their identity or caring about how their race has been a part of them that has been discriminated against

It's not a Black woman's job to educate you. Do your own homework.

Last para is good advice

Colonial thinking still impacts a lot today including the shaping of society, the patriarchy white supremacy, colonial thinking didn't disappear when colonialism ended....

Take it from a mixed race woman, your child will very very likely hear lots of racist (some subtle, some not so subtle) remarks and will very likely experience institutional and systemic racism.

The last thing they need is to live with a racist at home too.

If you can't/won't leave for your sake, could you leave for your child's sake?

Where are your family & friends or are you isolated? Do they have any idea what's been going on in your relationship?

OP - your response speaks volumes; you're not convinced your husband will change because he sees your responses of feeling upset as an 'inconvenience'. As others have said, you need to get some support from family and close friends to help you because I cannot see this man ever having your best interests (and that of your child) at heart. You and baby deserve better!

Agree with all the above, I'm afraid. I hear your wish to fix the relationship instead of breaking it, OP, but don't feel this relationship should be fixed. It's unequal.

You don't feel able to express your feelings, even important ones like this, because he shuts down or lashes out. He, by contrast, is extremely free to express his feelings including ridicule of his pregnant wife's body, her 'race' and, by extension, her sex. I honestly feel it's a terrible idea to bring a mixed-race child into his household. It's evident that he's already undermined you; you will not have the confidence to defend your child and instil the pride s/he should feel about her own being.

I asked a question, one question I wasnt expecting to be lectured on black history. People are entitled to ask questions no matter what colour skin they have. I have white privilege and personally feel it’s very wrong . Despite appearance I have relatives who were born into slavery, it might be a hundred or so years back in time but their lives still matter to me, they are part of me. I have educated myself but was only asking a question.
I know the subject get heated but I truly wasn’t out to cause any offence nor trouble x

exactly, they could. It's complex.

@ScrollingLeaves I've now moved it thanks

@lovelydayIhave I'm not being "weird" about anything

Now the thread has moved would love to hear experiences anyone has has simialr, if not personal of friends or family