Dh making racial comparisons about my pregnant body but shuts down conversations about race

[pleaseguveadvicenotattack]

Hi everyone - please be kind as I'm really struggling and have no one to talk to IRL about this. Not looking for judgment or "why did you marry him" comments.

I'm Black, pregnant, and my husband (white) recently compared my changing body to tribal women, tried showing me explicit photos as "examples."

We have a good relationship overall but racial issues come up monthly and he completely shuts down when I try to discuss them.

I'm really worried about the impact on our future child and need advice on how to approach these conversations without him getting defensive. I know the difference between appreciating African features versus using them negatively.

Looking specifically for communication strategies from others in interracial relationships. How do you discuss racial sensitivity when your partner shuts down?

How would you approach this in the best way to avoid shutting down?

As a black woman I am struggling to understand why and how you’re putting up with or trying to rationalize the fact you’re married to a racist. You feel uncomfortable because deep down you know that’s the truth.

That you have “racial issues” frequently and can’t talk about them without it becoming a fight says everything. I have dated plenty of white men and never once felt uncomfortable talking about race. Mind you not a single one made derogatory or strange comments about my features, heritage or culture. His comments and behavior are not typical at all for the majority of white men in relationships with black women based on my experience or that of close friends in successful interracial relationships.

Raising a child with someone like this will be very hard - especially if your child witnesses him treating you this way. He also sounds like he will be at best useless and at worst actually damaging in terms of helping your child navigate and celebrate their mixed heritage. It’s too late not to marry him but it’s never too late to leave. He sounds like a dickhead.

thank you for post here op- I have absolutely zero advice to offer,,certainly none from experience. My following viewpoint is therefore from a absolute total stranger sudden insight.(which mens comes from a place f ignorance perhaps)
Its shitty hes upset you-and is a monthly thing/leading to concerns bout going forward.
Maybe "racist"is subject to interpretation. given the interacial aspect is fair you both will have own meaning behind it. Is it possible he is reject yu see what does saays as racist cos-he adores you,your hving child together,its very much a HATE word. ....and is not intended to land like that.
Like it or not- there is a clear-all comes back to it-repeat event- stem from skin colour. /race etc. Education is key. lack of it..did him point out the tribal pics-you already KNEW would be upset you.
he fired in anyw\y-but was his intention to upset\hurt your feeling or disrespect you ?in which case fuck him/walk away
i hope you get a decent remedy ,moving forward reply. x

But he has, so?

Also - sounds obvious but a major red flag in ANY relationship is one partner’s refusal to discuss and address ANY issue that is upsetting or bothering their partner. Men who make fun of their pregnant partners changing bodies are also another red flag. Again, he sounds like a dickhead on so many levels.

OP, you need to get away from this awful man! He might be racist towards the baby, have you thought about that? The poor child being brought up in that horrible environment😞

Just be straight up with him. 'Please don't talk like this dh, you're being racially inappropriate'

His response and subsequent behaviour would shape my decision to stay with him or not. I'd not want my dc growing up with a man like that

I'm white, but hope it's okay to post since you put this thread in relationships.

Recently I had a situation where I felt intimidated by a man, and tried to explain to DH why it was intimidating. The man did nothing wrong, but it was more my accumulated experience of being female and the vulnerability that comes with it that made me see the potential for this situation to be bad iyswim. I tried to explain this to DH, who is of course merrily living life with male privilege. He listened well, tried his best to understand, said he thought he understood some of it, but accepted that as a man he could never fully get it, then asked what I wanted to do about it. I think this was a perfect response.

Your DH can never truly understand what it's like to be black. He could however listen to your experience without challenging it, try his best to understand, and ask how you would like him to act. If he doesn't do this, and he can't see that that's what he should be doing, he is not on your side. He is not your person. If he doesn't want to change I don't see how this relationship has a future. I'm sorry.

If there is no future, make sure you are living where you want to be long term before you have the baby. You will not be free to move away from him afterwards.

I'm mixed race and from the North so a lot of my relationships have been with white men. Unfortunately, my last two long term relationships have been really abusive and both men used my race to insult me. Towards the end, when they were losing their control over me, the N word was repeatedly used.
It surprised me with the second one as when I first met him he seemed very cultured and interested in other cultures. I soon realised his interest was actually a means of stereotyping different groups.
I've decided I won't be getting into an inter-racial relationship again. Abusive men will use anything and the fact that you're pregnant is a massive red flag for me. My abuse began whilst pregnant with the father of my children and I know that it is very common. Somebody said something about ownership above and I think that's exactly what it's about.
My abusers were both misogynistic too and I think that they thought they'd have complete control over me by being a mixed woman.
He still used the N word despite us having two children. Admittedly they're light but they were very hurt and won't speak to him now.
It won't be easy being alone with a baby but I think you do need to get out.

He is not only ignorant he is not open to a discussion on what is offensive and appropriate, he thinks as he is married to you nothing he says would be classed as racist.

I am sorry your husband is behaving like this. It isn’t nice at all. Your assessment of his behaviour is correct - trust your instincts. Be careful regarding your future little one and the messages this man could give them.

I have an Irish name and was involved in voluntary work once where the person in charge used to make belittling jokes about the Irish to me every week, which I never laughed at, because I found them offensive.

To me, he seemed to be completely lacking in any sort of sensitivity regarding racial matters. He then married a black lady of Caribbean descent who he had known for a very short time. I did think the Irish jokes and him marrying a black lady were linked.

He was actually fairly self deprecating about himself, and it felt like he had low self-esteem and had subconsciously tried to choose someone who in his mind was lower down the pecking order than him. However, his wife was a much higher achiever than him, and I really don’t know what she saw in him or how she could have gone for someone like that. It wouldn’t have been something I would have recommended.
Maybe, like you, she hadn’t seen that side of him yet.

@MangshorJhol yes he has. Honestly, I don't want to drag them up on this post purely because without context it just becomes a pile on and I don't want that I really want help work this particular issue

@Cableknitdreams you d hit nail on the head I think that's what's happened to him

He sounds like a knob. I’m struggling to think of a context in which showing you those pictures “for comparison” wouldn’t be bloody weird and offensive. The fact he seems to be using it to neg/outright insult you makes it even worse.

There's no fixing this situation though, is there, if its just one of many.

If you'd come on here and said it was so out of the blue / out of character then maybe it's worthy of a discussion.

But he appears to have priors

White person here. Have had 2 non white partners (one serious long term, one short term) over recent years.

Your husband sounds vile. Nothing even remotely racist was said/done in either of my relationships.

I'm honestly sitting here feeling tearful at the thought of saying something like that to either of them.

He thinks he's superior for sure

Wtf is this showing examples

Parking the racist aspect for a minute… there are plenty of people who get defensive when they’re criticised and shut down. My DH used to be the same and he worked hard at active listening. Ask your DH to repeat back to you what you’ve said and acknowledge he’s heard you and listened. Tell him you don’t need a response more than that if he can’t give you one in the moment.

As a black woman with a white husband, with whom I've had 2 mixed-race children, I advise you to think long and hard about whether you want to stay in a relationship with someone who appears to be treating you with so little respect and love let alone raise a child with that person. How do you think your husband will treat that child, given how he's treating you? Would you allow him to speak to your child the way he is speaking to you? How will your child know that such behaviour is unacceptable if they witness their father doing this to you?

I'm sorry for the questions and I may be coming across as laying this on thick, but you seriously need to ask yourself if you want to bring your mixed-race child up in such an environment.

My husband has not and would never dream to make such comments about me. If he did, I wouldn't have stayed with him let alone consider raising a family with him.

I am grateful to responses but I'm also at a loss as other than questioning why I'm with him, there isn't much advice for how to handle this.

I'd really appreciate that or are we unanimously saying I'm so crazy no one even wants to give me advice on this?!

What advice do you want? Your partner is racist towards you and won't listen when you try and call him out on it.

Leave. Or stay and accept you are married to someone who is both racist and unable to communicate well when you have an issue.

To add, he said he thinks I look nice but not sexy at the moment, but it's cute.l and he likes it because he thinks it's sweet as it's making me happy.

But in another breath insisted the comparison was funny and that people shouldn't take offence to jokes id they're jokes, and he found it funny.

He went on to say he feels (which I have been very slob like lately) because I'm walking around naked a lot it's like I've regressed and become less sophisticated and he would have used a photo of any race person (yet he specifically googled naked black woman holding a baby to compare me to and chose the one of a woman in Africa wearing feathers etc that looked primitive)?

Christ I just can't think at the moment and didn't even know why I'm typing here as the thread just depressing me and I'm weak right now.

I have no one to discuss this with, please go easy on me.

@SecondUsername4me surely someone has some advice other than leave? Like how I can communicate? Or maybe someone has been in the Situ? I don't known

@pleaseguveadvicenotattack When you bring your child into the world - a child of mixed heritage - is his bumbling Boris like buffoonery what you want as you navigate issues as your child grows in a society that’s not always kind and welcoming?

im white and I find his comments cringeworthy. If he was in the workplace he’d probably be getting a little sit down talk with HR. To allude to some of this stuff with your pregnant partner? Nahhh.

People are telling you to leave because he is showing who he fundamentally is OP.

There’s no talking, communicating, explaining out of this.

Its wrong full stop.

Imagine a loved one telling you what you’re telling us. Would you want them to be with them? Would you believe this man would be a suitable role model, protector, father for their unborn mixed race child?

If these are the sort of comments he feels comfortable to make to his wife, he will damage the self esteem and confidence and sense of self of your child.

Being mixed race can be a journey in itself in the UK. You need supportive, loving parents who bolster you and boost you to be confident in your own skin and self.

Writing as a mixed race woman and sending you strength to leave.

Is there a reason you are walking around naked more? If dh suddenly started walking round the house naked much more often I'd probably comment too