Aug 2021 - half way there!

[HopefulB]

@wimbler - EDD 29 July, surprise 💛
@Champson - EDD 22 August (but really June/July), TBC 💖💖💖
@coffeeandrainbows1- EDD 4 August (but most likely July), Boy 💙
@Jessicapebbles - EDD 5 August (but having C-section at 39 weeks, so really July), Girl 💖
@Smurf123 - EDD 5 August (but likely to be July) 💛
@WhatEvenIsSleep - EDD 2 August, Boy 💙
@Smushty14 - EDD 6 August, TBC 💛
@Rattyclife - EDD 6 August, TBC 💛
@Dia12 - EDD 8 August, Girl 💖
@Biscuitcat - EDD 10 August, surprise 💛
@ElonaWise - EDD 11 August, TBC 💛
@Runnergirl123 - EDD 11 August, TBC 💛
@PurplePansy05 - EDD 12 August, Boy 💙
@Srtdr - EDD 12 August, surprise 💛
@Daffodil21 - EDD 12 August, Boy 💙
@Inmypjsagain - EDD ???, Boy 💙
@BananaHammock23 - EDD 13 August, surprise 💛
@MrsB2019x - EDD 13 August, Girl 💖
@Magik01 - EDD 13 August, Boy 💙
@Carefree1 - EDD 15 August, Girl 💖
@DressyGerbera - EDD 15 August, surprise 💛
@lucyrp - EDD 16 August, undecided 💛
@BertieBotts - EDD 16 August, want to know! 💛
@WolfMother326 - EDD 17 August, surprise 💛
@Caz1226 - EDD 17 August, Boy 💙
@Lille4 - EDD 17 August, TBC 💛
@Redskinsucks - EDD 17 August, TBC 💛
@RockyRockyRoad - EDD 18 August, can't wait to find out 💛
@Smallbean27 - EDD 19 August, surprise 💛
@WatermelonKisses - EDD 20 August, surprise 💛
@Alittlexmasmagic - EDD 22 August, surprise 💛
@Millymay13 - EDD 22 August, TBC 💛
@Whatshouldbemyusername - EDD 22 August, surprise 💛
@LottSE20 - EDD 22 August, TBC 💛
@Notinthestarsigns - EDD 23 August, TBC 💛
@LaceyMermaid - EDD 24 August, TBC 💛
@Fran919 - EDD 25 August, surprise 💛
@northernsquirrel - EDD 26 August, surprise 💛
@LyraShaeLilly - EDD 27 August, can't wait to find out 💛
@ame88 - EDD 28 August, TBC 💛
@diamante11 - EDD 29 August, Girl 💖
@HopefulB - EDD 29 August, TBC 💛
@CountryGirl84 - EDD 29 August, TBC 💛

@lucyrp that is so bad!!! Mine did them when it wasn't day 21, but again I had to explain why!!
Glad you've managed to switch away from that unit!

@lucyrp I think sadly what you've described is quite common and it shouldn't be. I haven't got a single friend who was looked after well after loss and I could add a lot to this list of complaints myself, unfortunately. I only received compassionate care after my 3rd loss but they still managed to mess up mine and baby's clinical tests then. MH support non-existent. It's there on paper and in leaflets, not in practice. MH nurse dismissed me, NHS waiting list 6 months, local MH charity 4 months. If it wasn't for me paying for private counselling I could have ended up in a very bad place had I waited that long.

I think unfortunately a lot of the people look at loss clinically only, with major detachment, as another case. I understand they cannot take them emotionally, but compassion is a different thing to emotional attitude. I also very much agree with @Daffodil21, you finally end up having a healthy pregnancy and the attitude often seems to be that they'll just proceed as if you had no history, as if nothing happened. But to us it's a very different pregnancy. It's exactly as you've said, if there's a diagnosed physical condition in pregnancy they'll address it, but prior history of loss and MH is never to be seriously considered from second trimester onwards.

I also agree with what @LyraShaeLilly said, for FTMs some things must be very daunting and there is a very reactive approach instead of simple, proactive tests and swabs that could save many more babies potentially and provide mothers with peace of mind. Unless you've researched and pushed or went privately, you won't know. It just shouldn't be this way. xx

@Daffodil21 oo you were lucky mine downright refused to do them on any other day than CD21! I told them I knew when I had ovulated so I could ring then and go in for the bloods if they could fit me in but nope.

@PurplePansy05 definitely. Something else they don't take seriously enough is secondary infertility. I think I got fobbed off a lot as I already have a DS who I fell pregnant with at 16. Falling pregnant at 16 is a completely different kettle of fish than when you're TTC 6 years later. A lot of things happen to a woman's body between the age of 16 and 23 including stress mental Heath etc that can affect fertility. But they don't see it like that. "Oh you had a low risk pregnancy 6 years ago? You'll be fine" no it doesn't work like that. And every pregnancy is different. If you've had a child like me and had a really easy pregnancy and birth but then suffered a couple of losses in between before getting pregnant again there's no way you're going to be as easy going as you were the first time round ?! Why wouldn't you be worried. I just don't understand

I'm so sorry to hear all these experiences, it's just so frustrating isn't it. I've been really lucky so far with my health around pregnancy so have been ok with the standard care the NHS provides but before I conceived it was something I worried about from having read stories like yours. I think so much of it is a patronising, paternalistic attitude to women. That comes across really strongly to me with the 21 day test and doctors insisting on doing it only on that day, which just doesn't make sense for so many women - and being difficult when it's explained that day 21 won't show anything! I have to wonder about what medical education is like around female biology too, as much of this would indicate that there's a need for a change to what's taught and learned. As someone said earlier - if men were carrying the babies I can't imagine antenatal care would look like it does.

@PurplePansy05 I'm glad you got the counselling you needed in the end. Just a shame you had to go private for it. I was told the bereavement midwife would call me, did she? Course she didn't! I did actually book a private counselling appointment with someone who had mc listed on her speciality list. I have no idea why she listed it because she clearly didn't have a clue!! Needless to say I did not book a second appointment. Come to think of it she never actually charged me for the first appointment so maybe she realised how rubbish she was!

@lucyrp you have just at highlighted my fears if this does go to plan and we try for number 2 and struggle (I'll see if this one goes ok before I worry too much about number 2 though!) I bet a lot of your lack of care is because you're younger, so you probably get dismissed as 'having age on your side', which is not right at all. Do they want you to wait until it is too late to address it??
Yes, that's exactly what I said to my gp about day 21 bloods, and thankfully he did actually listen! My GP has actually been very good throughout this, he has done bloods when I've asked and referred me to a consultant right at the beginning (which took 3 weeks and he called after I had a bleed so I thought it was too late). Then the consultant was all forgotten about 🙄

@Daffodil21 yes I've definitely heard a lot of "you're young you'll be fine" throughout my appointments which only makes it worse. Every woman can suffer with infertility and loss etc no matter what age they are! Ridiculous. I think it's also quite annoying thag with your second you get even less midwife appointments than with your first because they just assume because you've done it before everything will be fine again. That's not always the case especially if the second pregnancy is with a different partner technically its altogether different ?!

As a side note for anyone feeling bad about their eating habits I ate 8 Viennese biscuits for breakfast 😩🤣

@lucyrp I'm 30 so I don't hear that 😂 must be so frustrating though!!

I absolutely love Viennese biscuits! I'm all about the carbs atm though🙈 normally I love veg but now I just don't want any so making sure I make some smoothies if I have a poor nutrition day! Normally I eat chips like once a month but now I want them every day 😂

@Daffodil21 I've actually seen a lot of young girls posting about infertility or loss lately which is great as I don't think many people think young people suffer. You're still young!
These were the ones with the chocolate in the middle so even naughtier 😂 my actual eating I haven't been to bad for evening meals but for about two weeks new potatoes with butter and a salad was the accompaniment for every meal we had and OH was getting fed up 😂 thinking about potatoes now whilst at work is making me hungry !

Pansy I agree that the options should be presented and an open discussion initiated - I think it's so important to treat people with respect and as adults, rather than just forging ahead with "Well this is the way it's usually done"...

The problem is though there is a lot of hierarchical cultural stuff still surrounding healthcare. A lot of people don't want to be presented with a choice when they deal with their doctor - they want to be told what to do. The assumption is that the doctor is highly trained and qualified and should magically know best. I think this is a bit of a fallacy, because people will also have preferences which come into healthcare, but people like to think there is an easy one size fits all answer. I think there are a growing number of people who do want information and to be able to make informed choice these days though. But perhaps we are still enough of a minority that the onus is on us to request it.

Having to chase up for basic care is really bad - but I think a symptom of how overworked and overstretched NHS staff are, unfortunately.

Daffodil OMG I had so much of this "Age is on your side, what is the rush blah blah" aaaaargh. I have been child rearing since I was 20, I don't want to be doing it when I'm 50+!! I want some freedom back when I'm still young enough to enjoy it. It would have been different if I'd had time when I was younger. This is partly why number 3 is the last one for us.

That "you're young" response should be banned. Alongside with all "at least" responses. I had a "at least you got pregnant quickly" after my first MMC from a sonographer and a "I'd put my money on your next pregnancy being successful without any intervention" from an NHS consultant in his private clinic after my second loss. I went on to have the third one so he would have lost his money. Many more, but these two gobsmacked me and I was so upset I stayed silent instead of standing up for myself. That's why I'll never stay silent again. xx

So I phoned the assessment unit this morning to ask as definitely not feeling much today either.. Been told at 23 weeks as long as your feeling some movement at some point throughout the day that's all they look for at this point. She said there isn't a pattern until 26/28 weeks.. Yet the leaflet they gave at the 20 week scan said there should be a pattern after 24 weeks.
She did eventually say to go lie down and have a few cold drinks and if I haven't felt anything by bedtime tonight then I can come over and see them.

@lucyrp I've had the "your young" comment too luckily when I was going through my rmc I had a really great gp who turned it round the other way and said your young fit and healthy and therefore this shouldn't be happening and she really pushed for referral to rmc clinic. However they clearly didn't share her sentiment as it was 2 years later before the appointment came through and ds was about 4 months old. 🙈

@Smurf123 2 year wait is diabolical. I waited 4-5 months at 34 yo plus 12 weeks for baby's genetic testing and thought that wasn't great, but yours is beyond.

What are you thinking to do now? So sorry you've been dismissed when you're worried 💐 xx

@lucyrp that's great! Well not great it happens, obviously, but really to good to be raising more awareness.
Ha well I'm not as young as I hoped I'd be when we started TTC but never mind!
The ones with the choc middle are the best!!

@BertieBotts exactly - if you plan for children from 20 it's because you WANT to be younger, not waiting until you're old enough for investigations and to be taken seriously! Having known what I know now I wish we started TTC earlier but can't do anything about it now!

@PurplePansy05 that's terrible. There are so many phrases that should be banned when it comes to infertility and pregnancy loss!

@Smurf123 for goodness sake! I can't say I'm surprised! There really doesn't seem to be much in the way of prevention when it comes to pregnancy does there - it seems to be a 'wait to see if something concerning happens, and if it does then we'll deal with it'. I'm sorry you weren't listened to, but I can't say I'm surprised. Are you able to get a private scan for some peace of mind? Not that you should have to go private, obviously.

I'll attach a print out I was given yesterday which is very clear about being checked if you are concerned. Not sure if you already have it, but clearly they are not following this advice!!

@PurplePansy05 I'm in NI everything seems to take so much longer here. It is a disgrace!

I'm not sure. Ive left ds over to creche so i will try lying down for a bit and see. I'm tempted to just call over in a couple of hours and ask them to see me but I'm worried they will just turn me away.

@Daffodil21 yes that's the one I got given last week too!! Which is why I really don't understand it.

@Smurf123 not sure why the photo quality is so poor - it looks ok on my phone! I would definitely call again. You may get someone different pick up the phone who listens x

Well just to complete my moan about maternity care, I went for my rescan today. DS is fine 💙 Most important 😊 22 weeks tomorrow, all measurements now complete. The scan was very thorough, no complaints.

But then I went to check who my consultant is only to discover that the consultant I saw 6 weeks ago mistakenly put me in as MW-led 🙄 She definitely told me that I would remain consultant led due to prior history throughout. She also booked me for 32 week scan but the midwives were confused because they said normally they'd expect to see the consultant booking in 28 and 32 week scans 🙄 An older MW bluntly told me that "with respect, you have nothing to be concerned about and growth scans aren't needed" but then she couldn't reconcile this with consultant's notes or appointments either so she reluctantly agreed "Well, we'll have to book you in for a consultant appointment I guess". I have it in 2 weeks' time with my RMC consultant of all people. Pleased with this as they said my care will be "thoroughly discussed".

I was nice to them but deep inside yet again I'm disappointed with the errors and having to chase things that I was told were in place already.

We'll get there, I hope. xx

It’s so depressing hearing all your stories - I love that we have the NHS but I do agree that we shouldn’t have to compromise so often on care. It seems to be that unless you can afford to go private or kick up a huge fuss you are just expected to accept what you are given.

I was TTC for almost 4 years when I finally got pregnant on my 4th round of IVF. My GP was awful throughout (at my initial appt after 12months of trying she asked me why I was there, and told me to come back in another 6 months. When I told her the NHS advice was to refer after 12 months she turned really grumpy and said “well you clearly know what you want so why don’t you just tell me”).

The consultant I saw around 3 months later told me I probably wasn’t having enough sex and basically insinuated I needed to stop focussed on making a baby and more on keeping my husband interested in the bedroom). He too said I was young and over worrying (I was 33). To top it off, he told me I looked bigger than my BMI suggests..

I then waited 8 months for a laparoscopy that he insisted on doing as standard, followed by an attempt at clomid (with no monitoring whatsoever) and endless delays for appointments in between. I was then finally referred to Kings fertility 18 months after my initial visit to the GP. Of course they needed all the tests done again as everything was out of date at that point, but to their credit they were brilliant after that point.

It’s just so exhausting to have to constantly chase for something that is so fundamental to your life.

Wishing you all super assertiveness in your next appointments!

@LottSE20 omg sounds like you've had a terrible time too, the gp and consultant what on earth! I'd go to say it was the male doctors that are the worst but mine were all female and still the same regimented excuses.

@PurplePansy05 glad your scan went well 🥰 sorry about the rubbish treatment though. I'm just glad we can all chat about it on here and know we're jot the only ones. Although not that that's Anything to be glad about but you know what I mean!

@lucyrp I was just about to say, it's pretty overwhelming to see all this, most of us have been at the receiving end of this and unfortunately I have to say pre-pandemic it was actually worse in my experience, so it's not an excuse. I am glad we have this community where we can share openly, once we start talking, it all comes out. I'm sure there'd be more to add too. It's great that we can lean on each other and we're obviously determined to be where we are. But you know what, I personally wish I didn't have to be firm, outspoken, that I didn't have to research things myself or ask friends/all of you, I just wish this one thing in life was easy for me as a woman. But I suppose we never have it easy in life, do we, it's just that we get on with things.

I am yet again going to chill out with a cuppa and a biscuit, it's been a tough week and time to cheer up a bit. 🥰

On a lighter subject, what's everyone having for dinner tonight? I'm just putting a shopping list together 😊 xx

@PurplePansy05 I actually think the same. Had my 12 month ttc Mark been before the pandemic I honestly think the response would have been even worse. A lot of women who were waiting fertility treatment were put on hold as such and i know a lot of ladies didn't dare go to the gp with their problems during as they felt the surgeries were already under a lot of pressure where as my local surgery was the quietest it's ever been and the gp actually told me hardly anyone was going in for appointments so I think had I have been at that point in my fertility journey before it would have been much worse which I can't bare to think about. 🤯

I'm just cleaning up at work ready to go home at 4 hopefully, and tonight for tea is our last hello fresh meal of the week which is beef Ragu with cheesy garlic bread I believe! 🍝First hello fresh box I've ever had but one of the ladies on another thread I'm on from ttc had 5 free ones to give away so thought I'd give it a go. Its been absolutely delightful actually but it seems rather expensive to do all of the time

@lucyrp when I had the first two mcs I actually found the male doctors much better! The female one gave me wrong information (I know, what a shocker), the male doctor told me it was likely another mc and passed me a tissue while I was sobbing in his room, saying how sorry he was. The female doc I had for my first mc told me if it was a mc I would know by the end of the weekend. End of the weekend came and went so of course I naively thought I was in the clear!

@LottSE20 that is all terrible!! Wtf were they thinking saying that to you!!!!!

@PurplePansy05 so glad your scan all went well!! Ha same here about mistakenly MW led - honestly how hard is it to fill out some paperwork correctly?! Glad you're finally getting the care you should be having. How are you feeling about husband/house today? X

I've just remembered something when I spoke to the consultant about the testing failures of my last pregnancy - she said she couldn't access my records as they were from a different hosp (because they deal with mc/fertility issues/testing etc at the other hosp). My husband told her to turn off the pop up blocker for that website on her computer, and lo and behold, she could then access them. You couldn't make it up could you! I wonder how many years she's been telling patients she can't see their records before my husband told her to press that button!

Wow just reading all of your stories and my heart goes out to each one of you! I’ve had my share of ups and downs, mostly with care in this pregnancy rather than my first.

@PurplePansy05 we’re having steak (well done of course) and hubby is doing corn on the cob on the bbq 😍