Due February 2017 - Thread 8!

[DottyA]

Sorry all - I accidentally used the last message in thread 7. Hope you can find this one!

Have tried explaining to my mother how she makes me feel but she doesn't get it.
If I say I'm feeling stressed/tired etc she will respond that she is too and has it so much worse. She currently very stressed about ordering her new carpets. She priorities her boyfriend, I asked her the other day what she would do if I said I was feeling really low and would really appreciate some company for the afternoon. Her response told me everything I needed to know, she's got other things she wants to do (going out for meals, not work/commitments by the way) and couldn't possibly go a whole day without seeing him to support her pregnant stressed out daughter. I'm gutted she is like this and angry that I keep letting her do this. When my dad left I was there for her, I saw her most days, took her out for lunch/day trips and did all I could to make her feel better for a year until she met this chap and suddenly her family were an inconvenience.

I just don't know what to do, I feel like I can't carry on seeing her when she makes me feel like this, but equally she is the only family I have around and pathetically I probably wouldn't cope without her having DD occasionally (even if she does behave as if it's a chore) and I feel guilty almost that she just doesn't seem to understand my point of view. I feel sorry for her because she thinks she is a good mother/grandmother despite regularly bringing me to tears.

Sorry this is all a bit rambling and not what the thread is about but need to put it down somewhere.

Marjory so sorry to hear your mum has upset you. I would agree that you need support at this point!! Is there anyone else who can help? Sending hugs
It's so awful to read how you are all struggling with work. I read an article today about benefits in Sweden and it made me want to move there! Dads get 90 days paid leave! Women get full pay for ages as well. So unfair how we are treated - and we are doing the most important job in the world!!!
I saw a secondhand pram but didn't buy it as i'd just bought a new one - but I was kicking myself! I'm getting a second hand Moses basket and baby bouncer chair thingy but that's it so far.
Question: what do people think about buying second hand reusable nappies? They are crazy cheap and clean of course! DH pulled a face when I mentioned it - he thinks it's gross xx

Marjory just responding to your latest post. Before my mum died she had also gotten a new boyfriend. I went through a really similar thing to you - suddenly I had to fit in around him, she would only see me when he was at work even if it meant only meeting me for a coffee for an hour! She'd go home so he was basically never home without her. on Mother's Day she wouldn't go out for a meal with me as she wanted to sped it with her Boyf ( it turned out that would be our last Mother's Day but we didn't know that at the time) it used to really really hurt and I cried and shouted a lot. The only way I could understand it was that was having a second teenage rebellion! I started to look at it as that she had never been able to do what she wanted until now. It was still massively crap though - so just wanted to say I know that exact feeling!! Is he a new boyfriend? Maybe she'll stop putting him first so much after a while....

Marjory sorry to hear that your mum is being unsupportive. This is my first baby and I'm also worried what shenanigans my mum will get up to once baby is here. She has form! Also capable of sending me into a hellish spiral of emotion/anxiety by "helping" plan at the moment is for DH to run interference and head off the worst of it.. worried about her barging into the hospital mid labour or something daft

Sorry Marjory that's awful, especially while you're going through so much right now.

I know where you're coming from - my mum isn't interested in the baby or me or coming to see us, she moved to the south coast a year ago from Scotland and sold her car and since has made it clear she only wants to see us at her place and can't make the (easy) train ride on thameslink to see us. I have to say, once I put her in another mental box (after lots of CBT) which meant I had little expectation from her and we exchange pleasantries now and then by text, life has been easier. I don't need her negativity around the baby or me and DH is relieved too. Expecting anything more than the minimum is always a disappointment.

Maybe you could try and do the same, put her in the "let her see DD sometimes, when it suits her only" box and find another support person/ network to rely on when you need it? Like a childminder for DD or a helpful fellow local mum? Or get a cleaner temporarily? Anything to get you through, then you can see how you feel about her when things calm down. Hugs though, stay strong

Sparkles about half my (huge) nappy stash is second hand. I've never been sent a stained nappy. I have had some that were clearly used for some time and had gone a bit grey, or had a bit of an ammonia smell. Generally I've bought better quality off FB selling sites rather than ebay. I've got some absolute bargains along the way, like over £100 worth of new kit for £15. You can get a substantial, good quality secondhand stash for a few pounds.

Sorry your mum is being a dick Marjory.

My mum and I get on best when there are a couple of oceans between us, so I don't have any suggestions for how to improve things. I hope she pulls her finger out.

sbs She's been with him over a year now! It is just as you describe and I suppose I'm more sensitive to it at the moment when things are crap. She'd never go out for lunch with me or have a day out now. If I've ever suggested such a thing she looks at me in horror as she'd much rather spend all her time with him. She's just like a teenager over it all.

mystery I'm sorry your mum is like that as well, I think having DH on board to head off any nonsense is a good plan!

Thanks gumboots and piano I think I do need to stop expecting any better. The box idea sounds sensible. I don't see my dad much but am going to tell him what's happening as I think he assumes I am getting support from mum. DH thinks he would help if I asked. So glad my in laws are flying over in Jan!

Marjory I'd echo Piano's advice. As sad as it is, sometimes you just have to put people in a box.

My mom and I get on fairly well for the most part though she has her moments like we all do. However, we are very close and she gets on with my DH and my DH's family very well.

However, my father is a full blown narcissist. He lies and manipulates people and is intentionally cruel. I've only come to fully appreciate how horrible he is in the last year or so-- my half siblings stopped speaking to him years ago but didn't want to poison me against him as I'm the baby and for the most part was insulated against the worst of his behavior.

However, since becoming pregnant, I've realised I don't want him to play any real role in my daughters life and so have put up some pretty strong boundaries to protect myself and my family.

Sorry for all the work troubles ladies. I am having similar issues. I manage a small team and 2 have given notice that means they will be leaving just before I go on maternity.

So just did the online benefit calculator to see what we'd be entitled to next year and its a big fat hardly anything! I took loads of time off this year to do ivf and lived off savings so I think that's why as my earnings were so low this year. So DH just had a very shouty stressed conversation about money and how we are basically screwed. have I got it wrong? Anyone clued up about benefits?

That's tough divadee

Do you have time to recruit replacements before you go?

Random question: does anyone else's nipples hurt? Mine kill me particularly when there is a cold breeze!

Hi London, no to the nipples hurting but yesterday I couldn't wait to get out of my bra. It was like being attached by ants that being said however, my nipples have changed colour and stick out more.

Just had my jabs. Glad that's over and done with and just the 26w bloods to go. I hate needles, but look at it as little one needs it doing.

Really sorry to hear about all the workplace issues pregnancy is stressful enough without employers adding to the mix. I'm one of the lucky ones and jus have to try to finish as much as my workload as possible before I go off on leave.

Can someone point me in the direction of the FB group please? Also, what's good to search on FB for clothes bundles?

My nips hurt a bit sometimes! Like they are being squeezed really hard!

sparkles i haven't even checked what benefits we would be entitled to... have u checked tax credits and children's tax credits etc?

london mine hurt when touched or rubbed against!

Question about bra's... what's the best ones to get? I am currently wearing bras like I was before fell pregnant with underwire... I'm sure I read somewhere that u shouldn't?

I can't keep up here! But just wanted to update that our 20 week scan went well on Monday all seems healthy and it's still a surprise.
Was I the last or am I right in thinking someone had theirs today? Sorry - can't remember who!

Sorry to all those having a tough time at work.

Scottish Well done for getting your vaccinations. I don't like needles either and haven't booked them yet. Can you reassure me it's nothing to worry about?!

Naschkatze, yes absolutely nothing to worry about. I had both the flu and whooping cough done and I was in and out of the nurse's room in about 2 minutes!

Oooo, and forgot to say well done on the scan glad little one is ok!

Shell underworld bras can damage your ligaments or something. I've got two very comfy nursing bras from Jojo - quite cheap! Don't want to go back to normal bras now!

Sorry about the work and mothers trouble. I love my mum, but I only see her twice a year as she lives in my home country. And even then she drives me mad!
London my nipples look so weird atm, and yes pretty sensitive.
i have also noticed the following. Our local Morrisons is always freezing, particularly the fruit and veg section. When I go there my breasts hurt like HELL!!!
Anyone else?
Shell they say that the underwire can block the milk conducts or something but not sure about the evidence. I bought a maternity one from Debehams because my size went up and it is so comfy I dont want to ever wear anything different
Nasch great news about scan

Sparkles I got a nursing bra from JOJo too, which one did you get?

Evergreen umm it's black and kinda like a crop top!!

shell I wore wired bras right through last time and I'm wearing them whenever I go out now (nursing bras are easier and more comfortable at home). I believe it's only am issue if the bra isn't correctly fitted. Still feeding DD and no problems with milk or blocked ducts.