Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for our rainbows

[townsender]

Welcome to the thread, for anyone pregnant with a rainbow baby following baby loss.
A lot of us have graduated from the TTC angels and rainbows thread, but please feel free to join us if you are new, to share our highs and lows as we watch our bumps grow and await the safe arrival of our rainbows.

The current TTC thread is here:
Link

Hi all

Jus at realised I haven't been getting emails when someone posts. Looks like I've missed lots! Congrats on everyone's recent scans. Massive congrats Ellie on the bfp! And fab news to hear more people are on team Blue!

Afm I have had a stressy week worrying about my incompetent and now slightly prolapsed cervix. Saw my amazing doc today and he said not to worry. Miraculously I woke up this morning feeling a lot better and my cervix had raised itself. Unfortunately since then things have dropped but hey least I know it has the potential to rise!

The doc said he wouldn't tell me my cervical length/whether funnelling unless it's a big issue as I'll just stress. Probably a good idea but also makes me nervous I don't know the full picture. That said I know if anything is wrong he will tell me and put me on bed rest or whatever he can. So all in all a good day!

Also he said he also thinks it is likely a boy! (Bit early to tell for sure at 14 weeks). So I am team BLUE too. I think it'll be hard since my angel was a boy but I kind of secretly hoped for another boy.

So after today's appointment (despite my naughty cervix dropping low again) I'm feeling positive and am sending lots of positivity to you all too! . Got to enjoy any positive moments we have while we have them as there's bound to be many more stressy days ahead! X

ellie I've certainly been slower this time to tell people, probably because I'm less excited than last time. Having said that, 1st trimester was hell, just feeling rubbish without having that 'it'll all be worth it in the end' feeling to motivate me, and I did feel a bit more excited after I'd started telling people.
We told our parents and close family after the 12 week scan, and then I've been telling friends as and when I've been in contact with them or seen them.

lake, exciting that you're getting movements! Same here - it's nice isn't it, when you feel it and know that they're wriggling around inside.

AFM My '20 week' scan is in a couple of weeks, when I'll be 21+4. I started getting a bit nervous, as I know 2 couples who have found out at that stage that their babies will not survive. But I've been having cervix scans every 2 weeks and they always take a couple of mins to show me the baby, so if there was anything major I'd really hope it would already have been spotted.

Cross posted April! Glad you're feeling more positive. How often is your doc checking you?
x

Hey town sender. He will be checking me every 3 weeks but more during my danger zone (20-30). It's private so I'm lucky that if I am having a stress I can just go in.
Did you say you were on progesterone? What amount and how often? X

Ooh, that sounds good that he'll be checking you often during the danger period. I'm on 200mg progesterone, twice a day, brand name is Cyclogest. My original consultant's plan said I should take them from 14 to 34 weeks, but then he seemed quite happy to start me off at 16 weeks instead. And I have no idea why I'd stop at 34 weeks, not eg 37, but I'll ask him at my next appt. (and the 2 week pack has 15 days worth in it, so I'll have an extra week's worth anyway, which I intend to use!).

Did you ask about counselling a while ago? I haven't had any for my baby loss, but I was going to mention that I managed to get 6 free counselling sessions through my work in Brussels when I got divorced. I think the same scheme would also give family members counselling, so it could be worth you checking with your DH's company to see if they do something similar. It was under a general employee wellbeing programme that they subcontract out to a specialist provider, so it's confidential (my company didn't know what it was about, just that I had used the service).

Hi thanks Town.

I'm going to start the prescription my UK doc gave me (200 cyclone at once a day) but my current doc prefers 400 twice a day so I'll ask to move to that from my next appt which is 17 weeks.

My doc said to use it 'until we don't care anymore' ha which he then said meant around 34 weeks. I'd also prefer to stop at 37. Maybe they're worried it'll do too good of a job and delay labour?

Thanks for the tip re counselling. I looked into it with my/my husbands insurance but they don't cover it. I also have health insurance in the UK and looking into that. Plus I'm still employed my by UK employer and they do offer something but it's a phone line.

In the end I've decided we should invest in our mental health and so have booked an appt for me and hubby soon and will do as many as we can (£120 a pop tho ??). I think even if I just do one very 6 weeks that could be good to at least gain some coping techniques to get me through the next few months.

Where abouts in Brussels were you? I was born there, near a place called Treveuren (spelling?!) x

april sorry you've had a stressful week, but glad your doctor has made you feel more positive. I hope the appointments with the counsellor help too.

town wishing you luck for your upcoming scan. I can understand you feeling nervous (a friend of mine lost her son at 20 weeks so my 20 week scan was a bit nerve-wracking).

Hi ladies :)
My mum, sister & some of my mums work friends have run the Manchester 10K this afternoon & have raised over £1,000 for a charity with close links to my local hospital (they're currently adding an additional bereavement/poorly baby room in the delivery suite)..
So proud so thought I'd share :)

A group of firemen ran in all of their gear! Must have been bloody hard going that - fabulous..threw a few quid in their bucket :)

Hope you've all had good weekends!

Just popping in quick, that's great news about the marathon

I don't know if I mentioned, I tried to raise money for my bereavement suite to buy a cold cot, as when I had dd they 'didn't have one' and by time they took the pictures she had deteriorated quite a bit. I also didn't get to spend much time with her as she was deteriorating so had to be taken for her post mortem. I spent weeks trying to get hold of the bereavement suite/thinking of find raising ideas/ contacting sands/contacting funeral directors for prices etc. I got a price and things then rang the bereavement suite, they were just like 'well we have 4 so why would we need another one'

I actually cried. They obviously couldn't be bothered to fetch one for me so I lost time with my dd. And they were quite rude about it

Gosh, Ducky! That's horrific .. Did you lodge a complaint?

No I didn't, when I was there it was very good care, I just guessed they didn't have one. I thought I was doing something nice for them I thought it would help people in the future.

I'm sorry that you experienced that, but glad that the care you received overall was good :)

No amount of time with them is ever enough :( DD died mid afternoon 10 mins or so after coming off life support.. We spent the night with her in the suite, DH went off to build the coffin whilst me & DM prepared her to go to the morgue.. She was a bit mottled by then - one leg was purple whilst one leg remained white (led on her back), bless her. I had a little nosey at her before we took the coffin to the crem and she looked pretty much the same - the morgue must be a bloody cold place to prevent further deterioration!

It all still feels a bit surreal, whilst feeling very real at the same time - anybody else think that? I can't believe it happened to my family.. & that we came through it.. And we've got pregnant again despite our shitty experiences.. We are all pretty hardcore!!

It's very surreal when I was pg with dd I was obsessed with these smelly burny things, there's one particular one that if I smell it, it still makes me cry a smell makes me cry! Because it takes me back to them first few days after coming out of hosp.

Dd wasn't in a good way (that sounds so wrong as she wasn't alive ) when I had her as they said she had passed away around 2 weeks before. I look at pictures I took of some of her stuff to send to dm and it just makes me think, I was so excited, but I didn't know she was already gone when tht was taken

The care I received was very good at the hospital, although the bereavement suite is only open 9-5 so when I went into labor I had to go to labor ward as it was about 1.30 am. I remember arriving and getting filthy looks as I was in a state crying, they all kind of looked at me as if to say 'wtf is wrong with you, you should be happy' they soon changed after reading my notes. I then lay on a bed and I could hear women screaming in labor and their babies being born crying, knowing mine would be born silent

Woh I'm on a downer. Sorry ladies!

Everyone on this thread is super strong to get through this

Not on a downer at all Ducky!
Sounds awful
Must have been terrible going through the pain of labour hearing other mums & babies..

Thankfully I was comatose for at least 16 hours due to GA & morphine - have no clue where I was for that time.

Our bereavement suite is on the labour ward so after we'd had final moments with DD in a room in the postnatal ward (near the entrance so not to bad) I had to be wheeled back through the hospital to the labour ward upstairs, past a load of expectant couples touring the birth centre (made even more horrifying because DH kept pushing my wheelchair into the door whilst trying to get me in!), all whilst cradling DD crying my eyes out.. I was a hunched over mess & I felt so vulnerable.. Pants all round really.
(It's nice to talk about it again - sorry for using you guys as a sound board)..

Things have come a long way in recent years regarding stillbirth/neonatal death but there's still room for improvement IMO.

Lighter note - just had takeaway & it was lovely. Off home now to get DS to bed! Xx

Well I suppose if we can't vent here where can we vent!

I hope there is some improvements soon in the research into/ care of stillbirth.

Oooh what take away did you have? I haven't had a take away in ages!

I had Chinese & it was lovely... Mmmmm.. I hadn't had it in a while as well so it tastes extra yum.
Sat down with DH doing finances now - not quite so fun.. Blah

Lovely relaying stories with you Ducky xx

Chinese is my favorite!

I think it helps sometimes just to go over things that happen. It's like a weight being lifted as I couldn't really say those things to people in RL x

Hurray, found you :)

Now off to read back the 5 pages I missed....!

So on Thursday at work, one of my colleagues who is also supposedly one of my good friends outside of work had the following to say when I had to tell her I might not be around next year "what again, you've only been back for like 8 weeks!"

She said this just as I was leaving on Thursday, today is my first day in since and she has had her backside in her hands, misery guts isn't even the word for it. Other staff noticed she had a problem with me as well. Pissed off by it, last time I was pregnant she didn't speak properly to me for a couple of weeks. I'm annoyed by her response but haven't said anything to her as can't be bothered with the effort.

Vent over thanks ladies, hope you're all well x

Sorry to hear that Vicky, really don't get why she'd say that! Could she be trying for a baby and having issues? That's the only thing I can think of! X

Hello ladies,

Hope you are all well.

Ducky I can't believe they didn't put your DD in the cold cot. It's disgusting!!! I'm glad you had otherwise excellent care, but the time with our babies was so precious without them deteriorating quickly. I even took 'A' home for a few hours and that was because of the cold cot. Our bereavement suite was in the labour ward but separate with its own entrance but I could still hear the other women giving birth. We had all the windows open because it was a hot summers night but I still recall hearing a woman giving birth and then her baby crying, it still sends me shivers

Winter well done to your mum, sister and mums friends for raising that money! I'm sure it will go some way towards helping bereaved parents.

Vicky what an insensitive thing to say to you by your colleague! I do think that unless you have been through what we have then nobody really knows how we feel or what we are going through.

Ellie congratulations! Welcome to the new thread and here's to an uneventful 9 months for you and welcome to whohas too.

April how many weeks are you now? It's great that you are getting the right care and treatment for your cervix.

Lake, town thinking of you both for your upcoming scans.

Kayleigh, critter, madam thinking of you all.

AFM all ok at 31 weeks although anxiety is getting worse. I'm freaking out about every movement that is there or not, if a kick is strong or not strong it's a bit ridiculous really as in my head I thought it would get a bit easier. Consultant appointment went ok, we talked about induction at 38 weeks however baby is currently breech so that may not happen if he doesn't turn! I have another growth scan next week. Have started buying a few bits and bobs, which is freaking me out as well, I seem to have a meltdown after each shopping trip as I'm certain something is going to go wrong.

Oh Vicky, what an awful thing to say!! I found people said things like that about me, especially because I had reduced duties. They thought I was being lazy, they don't realise what goes on in your head after going through losing a child

Hi madem!

Little, I think that's when it started to get difficult for me at that stage, how often will they be seeing you now? Will you have to have a section now? (I'm not clued up on all the pg terms!)

She hates kids and never wants them so it's def not that. It's because her job is easier when I'm there as I'm efficient and get stuff done. On her own she has to remember more stuff.

winter that's amazing about the marathon- i'm not surprised you're proud, we held a fundraising evening last year for our local branch of sands, but i'd like to do more fundraising in the future either for sands or the maternity unit where i had Ben.

ducky that's awful the hospital not giving you a cold cot, or not even offering in the first place. It's good that the rest of your care was good, but i can understand you being upset that you barely got any time with dd.

vicky sorry you've had to deal with your colleague saying that to you- some people could do with a few tact lessons imo.

little will keep my fingers crossed for baby turning round for you. DS1 went breech at a similar stage but i was unaware as i was between midwife appointments; i soon knew about it when he decided to start turning back the right way!

AFM 23 weeks now, and still waiting for the elusive burst of energy the second trimester is supposed to bring . Poor dh had to rock me to sleep at 4am this morning after i woke him up hysterically crying because i was so shattered but for some unknown reason couldn't drop off. I've deliberatley kept myself busy today in the vain hope i'll manage some decent sleep tonight.

Love to all xx

Ducky I'm pretty much seeing midwife/consultant once a week now so I can't really grumble. The midwife has said I can go and see her every day/three times a day if I want and if it helps me get through this! I will have a section if baby is still breech.

Kayleigh I have been so exhausted and j don't even have any living children so I can imagine it's not that easy for you! I think some of our anxiety makes us a little more tired too.

Well my thoughts went ahead of me today and I googled '2 year old boy' and looked at images. If somebody had my phone and saw my history they would be like WTF (and I'd probably be arrested) but I was thinking of my beautiful angel 'A' and what he would look like now and how big he would be, nearing his 2nd birthday. All the toddlers on google images looked so grown up. I wonder if he would be going through his terrible twos? What his hair would have been like, curly and wild like mine or smooth and straight like DHs, what colour his eyes would have been. Would he be babbling now? Aagh going on a depressive again I might go and delete my google search history just in case....