Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for our rainbows

[townsender]

Welcome to the thread, for anyone pregnant with a rainbow baby following baby loss.
A lot of us have graduated from the TTC angels and rainbows thread, but please feel free to join us if you are new, to share our highs and lows as we watch our bumps grow and await the safe arrival of our rainbows.

The current TTC thread is here:
Link

Badgers I did ask and my trust won't fund the harmony but will do an additional test of the 12 week blood work. They messed dd2s up last time so I don't trust that. We're lucky enough that the harmony package is fairly affordable for us so I don't mind. Plus it's the same team we saw at kings with dd2 so I know how good they are.

Hopefully my 8 week scan is just a dating one with a sonographer but I have an antenatal clinic with the foetal medicine director the week after, she's who I will be under for the whole of this pregnancy.

It must be strange being pregnant again but starting from the beginning.

I have to say, I'm the least 'woo' person you are likely to meet but I had a gut feeling things weren't right with dd2, I also had a gut feeling is be pregnant on her 1 year anniversary. Really weird. I don't, yet, have the feeling anything is wrong this time although the feeling cake at 8/9 weeks with dd2 I think

That's a shame that they won't cover it Kitty, but i am glad they are being more thorough with you this time. I had the same feeling with Azra, every time I bought something it was like I had this little voice saying 'just wait' which I never had before, and once the cot was up, the feeling that I'd never see her in it. Now I'm trying to figure out if I feel the same now, or if I'm just being paranoid and looking for signs. At the SANDS meetings though, I've heard lots of similar stories, too many mums of too many precious babies who deep down 'knew'.

Hi ladies, hope you don't mind if I join in. I lost my DD sept 12 at 3 days due to birth complications. Had DS march 14 by c section.

I'm now pg with number 3, about 8 and a half weeks and this weekend the fear seems to have hit. I was on these threads a lot when I lost my daughter, and I hope you don't mind me joining in.

Welcomes Owlina, I am so sorry about your dd, you are more than welcome here . It is funny how the fear can creep up like that, will you ba having this baby at the same place as DS were they supportive? Is there anyone there you can contact as a first port of call?

Owlina I'm so sorry you lost your dd, how awful.

It's great to have some ladies who are a little earlier on as well as seeing the end game (badgers and harqoi)

I think I'm going to try a sands meeting soon. I think I'm the same in some ways about buying things, I'm glad we have all dd1s stuff as I could literally I've birth tmrw and not have to buy anything. I am planning on buying a comforter if we get to 12 weeks. That way even if this baby doesn't make it I'll have bought something for her/him.

The comforter sounds lovely Kitty.

Thanks kitty and badgers. I'm planning to have this baby at the same hospital, yes. I've got my first midwife appointment on Tuesday, it's a different one to before so I know I'm going to have to explain everything. Think that might be part of why I'm thinking about it all today. I had consultant led care with my son, so hoping I'll be offered that with no arguement.

kitty it's nice to buy a few bits for the new baby too. I found it odd not having that preparation with my son as we had it all. It will be different this time as it's like a 'second child'. But it's my third not my second.

Owlina did they do the teardrop sticker on your notes at that hospital, to let everyone know you'd lost a baby? I find that little sticker a godsend, I don't have to worry about awkward conversations etc. as it is there slap bang on the front of my notes, so whoever picks it up knows why I'm in tears or whatever. I have had the conversation about my little Azra and her birth etc, but it has always been as a result of whoever knowing that she died, rather than me having to break the news as it were.
If it looks as though they are not going down the consultant led route, fight your corner, let them know how anxious you are and how much you'd benefit from the closer monitoring.

I was wondering how or if they signify on your notes that you've lost a baby. I know it'll be in there somewhere but I dread the cheerful 'so how many do you have?' Questions where you either lie and deny your dead child or feel like you're making someone feel awkward.

I ordered some of the stickers from sands and stuck one on myself last time. Think it helped especially with the scans etc.

Just feeling a bit overwhelmed today I guess.

Overwhelmed is completely normal, be kind to yourself and allow time to process all of your emotions. I hope tomorrow will be a better day for you, and if it isn't, we are here to listen. Is there anything specific, or is it all just a little bit too much?

How is everyone today?

I've been to the gp to do my referral for the midwife. Don't know why but I struggled more than calling the foetal medicine unit, think it's midwives. All the midwives I've ever seen have been wonderful but I guess doctors are medical and to do with me, midwives mean a baby is happening if that makes any sense?

I'm coming up to the week where things started going wrong last year with dd2 so I'm wobbling a bit anyway. The doc was lovely but I had the 'why are you under consultant care?' conversation. I am going to ask for a sands sticker on ,y notes and order some if they don't have any.

Oh kitty, I'm sorry your gp was a bit crap, the sands sticker is definately the way forward. You can go to all of your appointments sage in the knowledge that whoever sees you, will know, that alone can reduce the anxiety a little.

Can I join you in having a wobble please? My angel would have been 10 months tomorrow,and I have my 36 week scan and consultant appointment. I should be getting excited about starting to plan her first birthday party, instead I'm focussing on another little baby and just hoping he'll get here safely. The fear of another loss is taking over my grief and I feel guilty for that. If and when my rainbow is here, i don't want Azra to slip to the back of my mind, she is just too precious. It's just so hard to manage all of these emotions.

Owlina I'll be thinking of you tomorrow, hope your midwife appointment goes well.

Love and hugs to the rest of you amazing ladies

Oh badgers sorry you're having a wobble too. I have no idea how you manage grief and the arrival of a new baby. I understand the guilt, I Feely guilty that I worry more about this baby than dd2, I feel guilty that I think about dd2 more than this baby. I have no idea how to engage with it all without feeling like I'm doing a bad job!

It is strangely comforting to know I'm not alone in feeling like this Kitty Thanks. I am sure we will find our equilibrium one day, it would be just so lovely if it would happen quite soon.

Evening everyone. Sounds like am emotional day all round. Today I told my headteacher and close colleague, they are both very good friends and I wanted them to know I might be a bit wobbly. They were delighted and tears were shed. A lady at work was pregnant with a baby due 4 days after mine and he was born over the weekend so there was lots of talk about him which was tough. And, disappointingly, no reply from the hospital midwife. Monday was always a really busy clinic day so hopefully she'll be in touch tomorrow. At worst I can ask my gp to refer me back but it would be easier to go direct. Yesterday I was feeling guilty that I'd think about the unborn baby and not enough about my first. Today I'm guilty that this baby's pregnancy will be overshadowed by worry. What a to do!

Hi guys, hope you are OK. That must have been tough today hoping, you did well to manage that.

Just to add my thoughts on 'forgetting' your little one when a new one is here. You won't. That child will always be part of your family. There's always a sadness but a new baby brings a new joy, it will never replace your feelings for another child, or make that child less important. In my experience anyway! Hope that helps and doesn't offend anyone.

Midwife appointment tomorrow, thanks for your kind thoughts. I'm just dreading having to go thorough it all, but I'm sure it will be OK.

Hoping you did reall well confiding in your friends, I hope they offer you lots of support. The birth of babies since Azra is always tricky for me, so I can imagine how hard it must have been for you.

Owlina, it is good to know that the new baby doesn't push out the one which died. Approaching the birth I needed to hear that so very much.

Happy 10 month birthday little Azra I love you very much

Hopefully I found babies due near dd2 being born really hard. I'm a bit better now but I don't have the patience to coo over them when they're brought into school and paraded around.

Hi guys, midwife appointment went well today. The midwife had had a look at my history, don't know if the doctors tipped her off about my daughter, but anyway she knew about it, so that really helped. I still had to give some details of course but was nice not to have to start the conversation. Straight away she said did I want consultant led care and a section, so there was no having to argue for it. She even asked me if I wanted to have the same consultant again and requested it in my notes! So I was well looked after. I do feela weight has lifted a bit now, than you for all your kind thoughts.

That's great news. I'm so glad they treated you well.

I'm still waiting for the mws to call me and arrange a booking appointment. Think it'll be a while though

It's good to know that I'm not being mean or pathetic yo have found the birth of that baby tough. Today I've arrived at emotional about nothing after a stupid disagreement with a colleague! I need to get a grip. Still no word from the midwife, think I'll have to contact the gp tomorrow! Brilliant! Owl I'm glad your midwife appointment went well, hopefully we will all get the same compassion and understanding

I hope so hoping. Spent the evening flicking through the magazines etc they give you with the useful lists etc in. Always makes me feel emotional. Did think it would be a lot easier this time but I'm starting to think maybe not.

So it's a year today since we had our first scan that picked up an issue with dd2s brain. Tmrw it will be one year since that phrase 'incompatible with life' was first mentioned.

I'm wobbling. We ordered flowers for her spot today. I also had 2 horrid dreams; one that we were told that this baby has no lungs and is incompatible with life, the other that I woke up on dd2s anniversary and had forgotten to get her flowers because I was so distracted by this baby. Fuck, my head is an utter mess today.

I've also had nausea kicking in and feel pretty run down and grim. Basically I'm feeling really sorry for myself today. Bleugh. Need someone to give me a kick up the ass.

Oh kitty just be gentle with yourself, and remember that beautiful little girl of yours. The first trimester is hard anyway, and can spark the most dramatic and disturbing dreams without the added stresses of what you have been through. I hope these next few days are kind to you