Hi ladies, hope you are all doing well. I totally understand the needing a reason thing. With Azra there was no reason that they could find, everything came back clear. At the time that sort of brought me peace, I could justify that it was just her path. But now everything that brough me peace is bringing me doubt. I had my consultant appointment on Tuesday and had a big break down begging them to take my little man out before he dies, I don't think they understood quite why I was so desperate.
Every reason they gave me not to worry just didn't ease my mind. 'He's a good size' 'so was Azra and she still died!', 'his heart beat is strong' 'Azra was described as a happy healthy baby littlerally hours before she died!', 'you are fit and healthy,' 'I was with Azra, but now I have the added pressure of being 35!' , 'We can't see anything that would suggest he's going to die', 'no nothing was found with Azra either!'
In the end I got sent up to the maternity psychologist, who advised me to try and sit with the fact that what will be will be. I can't , maybe I wont, I don't know, but what I do know is this little man is too precious to not fight for, and although that fight pretty much just involves me being a blubbering mess, because there is not much else that I can do, i can't find a way to just accept, oh well it might happen again, even if, in my biggest fears ,that thought plays over and over in my mind.
I'm meeting a friend today for lunch. I'm Going to pop into boots and treat myself to some water proof mascara so regardless of the outcome I can feel more human in the photographs.
Hope today is kind to you all 