Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for our rainbows

[townsender]

Welcome to the thread, for anyone pregnant with a rainbow baby following baby loss.
A lot of us have graduated from the TTC angels and rainbows thread, but please feel free to join us if you are new, to share our highs and lows as we watch our bumps grow and await the safe arrival of our rainbows.

The current TTC thread is here:
Link

Ellie that makes total sense. The important thing in your decision making is that you feel supported and that they will listen to your fears and needs.
Just finished watching the fireworks with DCs. I thought about all of our precious Angels and smiled knowing that they had the best view

How's your daughter doing 3?

When will you be 38 weeks ellie? I managed to get to 37+6 but only by focusing on the baby's needs over mine. It was bloody hard though, every day passed in a blur but it's amazing what we can do when we put our minds to it.

AFM my little one is just over a week old now! I can't believe she's here. She's just the most beautiful thing ever. I'm sleeping better than I was when I was pregnant with her but my mind goes into overdrive worrying sometimes. It's hard to let others hold her as I need her near me but I make a conscious effort to do so and I don't think anyone notices I'm struggling.

But life feels wonderful and that makes me feel guilty... although I haven't and will never forget James.

Flambola, I am so glad life feels wonderful and I bet more than anyone James is glad. Just think eveytime you do something for your tiny daughter you are showing him what you would have done for him too. In a way it is a bit like a little tribute to him. He gets to see how much you love him through her. Please can I ask if they were always going to induce you at 37+? I know it is only officially a day before 38 weeks but mentally I'm not sure I can do it! If I know that they are allowed to go to 37 it would ease my mind a bit. It's just even now, at 26 weeks I feel as if my tiny boy would be safe in an incubator than me. Logically I know that is stupid, but the further I go into this pregnancy the more I feel the panic to get him out while he is still ok.
My dd is doing much better. We have her first outpatients appointment on Wednesday. I think they are just replacing her cast with a pink fibreglass number but I don't know for sure. I'm presuming they'd warn us before taking the pins out.
Hope everyone else is doing well x

Flambola lovely to hear how much you are enjoying motherhood, I think I'm going to be one of those mothers. I think like you I will need to force my self to do things I may not be comfortable with (like letting him out of my sight for more than 2 seconds!) I'll be 38 weeks on 30th Dec. Am getting so many mixed messages from midwives with one saying aim for 37weeks and another saying 40. You wouldn't think 3 weeks would make such a difference but it does to me!

3little I hope your daughter is ok, have they given you an idea of how her arm will heal? I'm hoping you're feeling ok now, I know you've said in the past how anxious you have felt about keeping your baby safe. I hope you're getting plenty of appointments to put your mind at ease.

So is it just me, 3 and haquoi to go now? Can't believe how many have had their rainbows, I've taken real comfort in knowing how many of you have managed to find their way through such a difficult stressful time and have come out the other side with a rainbow baby.

Hoping everyone is well x

Hi Ellie, what do you think you are leaning too? Do both the midwives have convincing arguments for 37/40 weeks? If so what are they saying.
Dd was meant to have her first outpatient's appointment today, but it has been cancelled untill next Wednesday.
Afm I went to the toilet about an hour ago and there was loads of milky white discharge but there was a tiny fleck of red blood in it, I wiped a few times and alltogether there were three tissues with a tiny bit of blood, since then nothing, and baby is moving lots but it has raised my anxiety a little. DH is working so I am trying to balance possibly over reacting and dragging the DCs with me to hospital or if I should just rest and focus on his movements, any other symptoms and then if there is a change go in.

Hi 3 how are you doing? Did you have yo ho to hospital or did things settle down? As for when I'm thinking of being induced, some are going with purely medical point of view, others are taking into account my possible anxiety. I have my consultant appointment next Wed so hope to get a clearer idea then. Finished work today, would rather have stayed longer but nevermind.

Love to all x

Ellie, finishing work is a milestone in itself, do you have any plans for your maternity leave? I am very eager to find out how your appointment on Wednesday goes, I hope you feel happy with it and comfortable with what ever is decided.

Haquoi I hope all is well with you.

Afm everything settled down, and the little fella is still wriggling away so I stayed at home I have my 28 weeks apt on Tuesday so I will mention it then.

I hope all of the rainbows that have already arrived are doing well as are their lovely mummies x

Just dropping in to say hello! My little family is doing well - we're extremely tired but baby Flam is fab! She won't be put down or sleep anywhere other than on me or her dad but we don't mind for the moment. She'll be 3 weeks old on Wednesday, hard to believe.

Hope the rest of you are ok, it's a long hard slog but so worth it in the end!

Glad everything settled fown 3 you could do eithout the added stress.

Hope you're ok Haquoi. If you're having a low miment just know you're here if you need us. I onlysay that as whenever I have been absent on here it has been when I was struggling.

Flambola it's lovely to hear from you, I think it has gone so quiet as so many are busy enjoying time with their rainbows. I'm sure you don't mind never putting her down, she is just gorgeous.

Day 2 of maternity.....it's soooo boring! I have been sorting little bits around the house but can't get motivated....I have called work twice though! I'm not sleeping very well at the minute so am on the settee despite having a spare bed in Anna/baby's room, I just can't bring my self to sleep in there.

Flambola, I'm secretly pleased your tiny girl wants to be cuddled all of the time

Ellie if you aren't sleeping well, try and rest as much as you can during the day. Go east on yourself and if you feel low on motivation don't beat yourself up about it. You can get bits done here and there when the time is right.

Afm 28 week scan went well. I have blood in my urine which no one but me seems concerned about and I asked about step b testing and they said it is not possible in that hospital did anyone else have it done?

So pleased your scan went well, strange about the blood in your urine though. Did they give a reason as to why they weren't concerned, perhaps an idea as to what it might be? I never had strep b testing do can't help with that I'm afraid. I suppose it's good they aren't concerned but it would be more reassuring to have answers, don't be afraid to pursue it.

I've had a nap! Now tackling the ironing and then plan to wash his clothes. Didn't realise how many things I'd kept tags on and kept receipts for, think it's time to let myself believe I might actually get to have a living child, don't think I'm quite there yet though.

Oh my lovely, I think it is something that you will just need to do if you believe it or not. I am sure there are quite a few mums of already born rainbows that can't quite believe they have a living baby, never mind us.

All they said was that it is not uncommon with pregnant women and there are no other factors that would raise concern (I'm still concerned mind you). As for the step b test they said that the reason they don't test for it, is the treatment that the NHS offer is only 70% effective. I met a mum of a little one who died a few days after birth because of step b I just don't want to take any extra risks.

Hi all.

flambola I'm so pleased for you :)

Thanks Ellie and 3 for thinking of me. Things are going ok and I'm mainly keeping positive. I have little moments of panic, such are getting more frequent the further on I get, but hypnobirthing techniques are helping keeping a lid on things. I'm avoiding thinking about ds at the moment, which I feel bad about, but it's too much really. Hence why I've been a but quiet. But I bought my first baby things today (we've got a pile of things given but I've refused to actually buy anything) - sainsburys had a double points offer on so I got a few newborn babygrows and vests. They're adorable.

How is your daughter 3? Is strange they don't do a strep b test... 70% isn't bad odds for treatment...

ellie I'm so jealous of your maternity leave, I've got another 4 weeks before I'm off. At the same time, I'm also getting bored at the moment so who knows what I'll be like when I've got no work to focus on. How long have you got to go?

[big wave to Haquoi] so love to see you back safe and sound. I might have to have a mooch in sainsburys to see if I can tempt myself. The hypnobirthing seems like it is really helping too which is great news. As for avoiding thinking about Ds I find that I am like that during the day with Azra too and if I sit in the bath or do anything quiet all that grief hits me again.

Dd has had her pins taken out and a new pink and sparkly cast put on so she is back to school today. I've spent all night worrying about what container to put her packed lunch in, that she'll be able to open one handedly. Goodness knows how I am going to keep my mind busy without her in the house. All of this time I've told myself I've been looking after her and now that she is going back to school I reaslise she has been looking after me!

Ellie and Haquoi we need to get this rainbow cave buzzing. With Ellie and I suddenly finding too much time on our hands and Haquoi, just about to join us we need a plan! and anyone?

Nice to hear from you haquoi. Strange how big a thing buying baby clothes can be once you've lost a child, I avoided it for a long while. Glad hypnobirthing techniques are helping you, I'm forever telling people to give it a go. I think hypnobirthing really helped me cope with labour without any pain relief. I must say I'm not enjoying maternity leave so far, if I'd have had it my way I'd have worked up until my induction date, hope you enjoy it more than me!

3 glad your dd is on the mend, although it sounds like you'll need a new focus to distract you!

Well I had a disappointing consultant appointment (yet again) had a scan and baby is doing just fine, I was at the hospital for 4 hours waiting to be seen only to find the consultant was on holiday...AGAIN! The registrar seemed to be leaning towards letting me go to 40 weeks which I'm not happy about. Also they've gone back to saying Anna was small which a few weeks ago apparently wasn't the case, how can you put your trust in these people when they can't decide anything between them?!

I have washed all of babys clothes and sorted out the room, had a little cry sorting all of Anna's things but I think it has been good for me. I plan on using some KIT days and going back to work a couple of days a week, try to keep my sanity! Going to sit down now with a and , I blame 3 for suggesting it in the first place!

Ellie if you are not happy about 40 weeks don't let them decide that for you. It has to be something you feel happy with my lovely. I am in the same boat as you regarding registrars. My consultant went on maternity leave but instead of being given a new consultant, as agreed, I have just seen a few registrars, a different one each time. Hopefully next time your consultant will be back and will be happier for you to be induced when you feel happier.

Well I tried to go baby shopping today and came home with a tiny blue teddy. I know this sounds really negative but in my mind I thought at least that is something he can keep no matter what the outcome All of the baby this we have were bought for Azra, I have this big block about packing her away but at the same time the idea of being surrounded by lots of new things that I might have to face coming home to again just terrifies me. We have a few bits and bobs, that'll have to do us for now. Also can I ask what you think. The pram we bought for Azra was a purple one (just in case you recognise it icandy raspberry wisteria) am I still ok to use it for a boy? Is it going to look really obvious as the pram we never got to use for our baby girl? I don't want to be pushing round a pram that just makes everyone feel sad. Did anyone else face this problem?

Well done for braving Ihe baby shopping! We did the same yhing s bought something that could be a keepsake should the worst hsppen, I think that's a normal reaction after what has happened to us.

I've actually only ever seen my consultant once so I'm not holding out hope I'll see her again! Dh and I have said 38/39 weeks but I don't want to go further, we've had 38 weeks in our head all this time.

I understand what you mean about packing dd away, I felt like that with Anna but I feel like it has helped me process things. I still have her ragdoll out which was the first thing I bought for her, I also have her ashes. I plan to make a picture to hang in ds's room using a scanned image of her hand and footprints, just to feel like she's included in our future. As for the pram I would say it's fine to use, ours is teal but I think your pram is just as unisex. I also intend on using the rainbow coloured sling I bought when pregnant with dd, I think plenty of people do the same so if you're happy to use it then go for it.

Ellie the rainbow sling sound lovely . I think if someone tried to turn us away from induction at 38 weeks I'd struggle with it. I'm clinging to that to keep me going. I know it is only a few days different but every single day seems to take for ever!
Afm I am meeting the maternity psychologist at the delivery ward tomorrow. I've not been there since we left without Azra I'm a tad worried about all of the emotions it will stir up!

Hi all

So sorry I've been out of touch. Hope everyone and their rainbows are doing well and those with rainbows due soon are doing well too. Hang in there. Hate that I've dropped off this thread since having the little one. It's just been very busy! Lots of love to all xx

Will be thinking of you today 3. I have been back to labour ward for monitoring this time round and was worried I would find it upsetting but I found it ok, I hope it's the same for you. Even if it does bring up those emotions you're seeing someone who can help you process these feelings and I think it's good you'll get to go before delivering this baby, better to deal with it now than to have those feelings whilst in labour.

Good to hear from you April so pleased your family are doing well. You've got a good excuse for dropping off the thread, enjoy those rainbow cuddles!

Well it has been agreed I can go back to work 2 days a week, I'm surprised how much I'm looking forward to it. Have cleaned the house from top to bottom and have started swimming again, feeling very positive, wish I could say the same for poor dh!

Ellie that's great news lovely to hear you feeling so good. I hope some of it manages to rub off on your DH too, is it anxiety surrounding the pregnancy and birth or just life stresses in general?

April lovely to hear from you. Being busy with family life is what we are all aspiring for so it is good to hear.

Afm, I didn't actually make it to the delivery ward at all. I turned up for my appointment and got myself into such a state we just tried to process what was going on today. She has high hopes for my next appointment though. She pointed out to me that Azra died away from hospital, that the hospital itself is not a risk and therefore nothing to be scared of and that actually had I had Azra's birth with a living child, it would have actually been quite a nice one, so I need to try and focus not on her death but on her birth. It makes sense right? I can do it (eek!)

Hi guys, im 22 + 4 with my rainbow baby,can i join this thread?
I gave birth at 39wks on 27th april this yr to my angel baby boy Joseph. Wasnt planning on a pregnancy so soon,however im juat starting to get used to the fact im preg again...although i havent brought a thing and we havent found out the sex of baby either.
Moat nerve wracking time of my entore life which i still am not sure i am prepared for even though im half way through with an induction due the first week of march.

Hope i am not intruding on your thread lasies.
Big hugs and huge congrats to all of you and you babbas.

Oh bless you 3. On the positive side, you went to the appointment and it sounds like you've made some steps forward. Whenever I feel like I'm struggling I just look how far I've come. We have all coped with the worst thing possible, we've just got to believe in ourselves!

Welcome to the thread hellsdells. So sorry for the loss of your little boy Joseph, what a lovely name. I don't think any of us feel prepared for what we're going through/what's to come, we're all just bumbling through! I hope this thread brings you as much support as it has me. The thread is a little quieter now as most ladies have had their beautiful rainbow babies.

Afm dh is definitely getting more nervous about the birth, he's panicking about the hospital we're going to, suggesting we go to a different one 20 miles away as he doesn't trust them to get it right (nevermind the fact it all went wrong before we even got to the hospital) I've always had to look after him, he's a sensitive soul bless him!

Welcome hellsdells lovely to have you here. As Ellie said it is a little quieter now, but that is a good thing because it means that a rainbow baby really is achievable, and we have real life proof of that on this thread. Just take each day as it comes and feel safe in the knowledge that you can post here and we will all understand and not judge. The loss of a precious child, in itself, is so much to get your head around, never mind throwing another pregnancy and all of the anxiety it brings into the mix. Are your healthcare professionals being supportive? How about friends and family?

I am so sorry about your tiny boy Joseph. It is just heartbreaking. If you'd like to tell us about him we'd love to hear. I lost my little girl, Azra, on the 12th March at 40+5 we never found out what happened to her all of the tests came back clear. I am due on 9th Feb but I am clinging to the promise of being induced at 38 weeks. So I think we have similar timescales in terms of our angels and rainbows.

Sending love to the rest of you lovely and amazing ladies and hoping for a god day for you all x

Hi ellie and badger

Thankyou for the welcome,its nice to finally have someone who can relate to my exact emotions and feelings. Ive only read some of this thread as i still find it quite hard,even with reading about other losses it just stems the pain. I feel for all of you.

This wasnt exactly a "planned" pregnancy as we thought so soon after jojos birth we wouodnt cope so well. But with tegards to not paying any attention whatsoever we did get pregnant and here we are,all be it with its ups n downs. (Bleeding i thought was a period it was actually a sub chorio bleed outside the uterus which is what prompted an a+e visit and a the realisation we were pregnant, and subsequent bleeds since,the last being 2wks ago). Ive never felt so many emotions in such a short space of time. The not knowing is the worst...amd that covers every aspect of my life from just leaning forward to going for poo (tmi soz) and down to just doin a small shop at supermarket. March cannot come soon enough!

I do have a fab support team amd all my care is based at the hospital. Due to jojo being small when he was born (33% below my average baby weight,2 dc's,a 9yr old born weighing 9.5lbs and a 15yr old who weighed 9.2lbs amd jojo was measured small at 36wks which my local midwife did nothing about and didnt tell me) we have scans all the time. Ive jad 5 already and have another 4 which could increase as my placenta is low lying but not quite covering os. So they want to keep tabs on that and of course babys growth. Im due to be induce around 6th march,at 37wks, and even though im happy with that i am struggling to get my hopes up or excited. The slightest twinge of happiness sends my mind into overdrive and takes me back to jojo.
We are quite close in timescale so im interested to hear how you have got on thus far. Have you had the scans and extra appointments?
I have approx 15wks left now and knowing that we have come this far does give me hope that i will also have that precious miracle to hold at the end filling the gap that has been left behind.
much love to all