Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for our rainbows

[townsender]

Welcome to the thread, for anyone pregnant with a rainbow baby following baby loss.
A lot of us have graduated from the TTC angels and rainbows thread, but please feel free to join us if you are new, to share our highs and lows as we watch our bumps grow and await the safe arrival of our rainbows.

The current TTC thread is here:
Link

It is so normal to feel like this Kitty, the thing is you are doing it, right now, there is no can't about it. A little miracle, for whatever reason. Goodness knows the emotions you will go through over the next 8 months, the thing is you will cope with them as they arise because, let's be right, there is not much choice about it. I have seen your posts on other threads and you are strong and you can see things so clearly. If anyone can do this you can.
Does your hospital have a psychologist linked to your maternity department? It might be worth asking the question. Mine has been a godsend and has picked up on things that didn't even cross my mind. Whatever you go through we are here.

Thank badgers. I've already got back in touch to book in with my counsellor who helped me after dd2. I will need to have a psychiatrist appointment anyway (bollocks, forgot about that bit!) as I have pre-existing mental health issues which are stable atm but pregnancy and hormones sent me a bit loopy (that's gonna be awesome with everything else)

My plan is to basically ask for every ounce of help available once I see a mw or consultant and then drop it if it's not helpful or I don't need it.

I have a couple of wonderful friends at work, one of whom lost her ds and has been through pregnancy after loss. I've already told them both as I know I'll need someone when the wobbles happen, and they usually happen at work!

Kitty, it sounds like a plan I hope it goes swiftly for you my lovely. At the beginning I couldn't imagine getting through another whole pregnancy, now I'm 35 weeks and getting there slowly. I split it up into 'summer holidays' sounds less than months now i'm down to half a summer holiday, it is a bit more doable.

kitty, welcome and congratulations!! 3 has basically said it all and it sounds like you've got a great plan. I'm over the moon for you. Also feel free to tell us more about your little one if you'd like

Wonderful news and congratulations about your cot, 3! I'm glad baby was ok, but I can't believe that consultant was saying all of that, what an arsehole, not just for you, but also for that poor woman! Pregnancy is scary enough as it is, how dare they attempt to scare her into making a decision about her body and her baby! I'm so sorry you had to witness it, I feel like finding and slapping them. Are you feeling a bit better now?

Our cot is up now (it has less connotations for me), but I still haven't had the guts to get ds' moses basket back from my Mum's. It's the last thing I want in the house, but needs washing ready for bubs... I keep putting it off. We've bought the car seat and mattress and put up the birthing pool to check it. I'm also 3 days into washing the mountain of 2nd/3rd hand baby stuff we've been given, so that's keeping me busy. It's getting scary though and I'm thinking about ds constantly and trying not to compare this labour to his. I might go visit him and have some us time. I've spent a lot of time trying to avoid thinking about him, so maybe I should give both him some remembering time.

Haquoi that sounds like a good thing to do, give your self the chance to process your loss too. Wee done you, it sounds like you are being really proactive getting things ready, not long now!
Afm, I was back in hospital over night for reduced movements again. Everything looks good but no one can explain why he is going through periods of not moving for hours on end! The little scamp is not helping my anxiety I can tell you!

Badgers that must be so stressful for you.

Thank you haquoi. It's been a tough journey.

I've heard back from my old counsellor and it turns out sees only seeing clients on a day I work. So I need to decide on either trying to get through it without her (possible but not fun), trying to swap my work days which isn't practical at all, or asking my head if I can leave work early and make up the hours else where. I will probably only have one appointment a month just to help me keep going. I wonder if I could claim it as a pregnancy related medical appointment. Not fibbing about it but just claiming it as a necessary appointment.

kitty, personally for me counselling has been key to getting through this and I don't think claiming it as a pregnancy related thing would be fibbing, it is related! I've also had reflexology and done hypnobirthing, which have really helped me keep a lid on the stress levels. But it's so personal to you, you have to go with what helps.

3 I'm sending some vibes to your little one to not stress mummy out! How're you this morning? Are they keeping hold of you or just an eye on you at a distance?

Haquoi keeping an eye at a distance. I'm hoping they'll give up and just induce me in the 37th week.
Kitty, speak to your head and tell them the situation, I am sure s/he will be supportive. Like Haquoi I have benefitted from the sessions more than I could have imagined. She has covered things is our sessions that I would never have considered tackling on my own.

Yeah I think I will. I spoke to my friend today (who gave me the details of the counsellor as she'd been to her). She also thinks I should just go and take time from work. I don't think I'd even need to go every 2 weeks, maybe 3/4 weeks as I don't have stuff to work through just deal with coping with the here and now if that makes sense.

However, if I struggle on without seeing her I could well get to the point of not coping and having to take time off work.

I'm wobbling today. I don't 'feel' very pregnant, haven't today or yesterday (apart from Zumba being extra tough) I'm sure it's utterly normal to not have many symptoms at 5 weeks, most people don't even realise they're pregnant this early. However, I'm now worried that I'm not pregnant anymore. I guess this is the start of the anxiety!

kitty I feel you, I struggled with the anxiety (and morning sickness) both times! Are you telling people about the pregnancy or keeping it to yourself for now? When is your booking in app? (lots of questions!) I found that I took it day by day - no bleeding, check, carry on. I tried not to look ahead at all. One advantage of the morning sickness was that I couldn't dwell on the anxiety too much, I struggled to manage the sickness at all so that kept me occupied! I told people I trusted, so had the occasional moaning outlet (my poor mother had to come feed me a couple of times and give DH a break). But mainly I took it easy, used the excuse of back-to-back illnesses and just didn't push myself for a while. Another massive support was that of the hospital and maternity services. I got in the system straight away as they didn't know why ds was born so early and they gave me lots of reassuring scans. Is that a possibility for you too?

Kitty as Haquoi said, I was exactly the same in early pregnancy this time around. I ended up buying loads of cheap pregnancy tests online and doing one whenever the panic rose too much. I actually think it made it worse because then I was imagining differences in the colours and strengths of the lines and all of the possible things that it could mean, mostly miscarriage! Never would I just relax and think, I've drank more, or done it at a slightly different time of day. Is there an early pregnancy unit at you maternity hospital, maybe they could give you an early reasurance scan so when you have your moments of anxiety you can go back to the scan picture and remember, today all is ok.

Haquoi hope as your due date approaches you are feeling ok and getting on well.

Afm, on thurdsday afternoon I recieved a call from a good friend to inform me her toddler has slapped cheek and that I need to contact my gp as a matter of urgency. He saw me straight away and gave me a blood test first thing yesterday morning to see if I have immunity to it. It has complications for pregnancy. Most websites highlight before 20 weeks as the most critical time but then I googled research into its effects on pregnacy and I've terrified the lights out of myself. When will I learn to step away from Google? I have to wait a week for the results. I'll be 36 weeks by then. I just need him out safely.

Yeah I've told a few close friends and family. I'm waiting for fetal medicine to call me back with s date for my early scan. Don't have a booking appointment yet as you have to be referred by gp here which is odd and I can't get an appointment till mon!

I think I'm back to every hour/day as it comes, like I was this time last year really. Feels like a strange, frustrating full circle.

Thanks though, this is why I need somewhere like this, I know I'm not mad feeling like this!

Not mad at all kitty! This pregnancy has been so emotionally taxing that I don't know how I'll ever do another one. We want more than one living child so I'm thinking of adopting the next. DH isn't so sure that I won't be subject to my hormones and just want to get pregnant again. We'll see!

3 there's always something to worry us, isn't there? I've got my fingers crossed for you, you're so close. I know that we've got differing experiences - I've never been at this gestation before so I'm past my knowledgeable anxiety and more in the 'what if?' anxiety, so it's easier for me to talk my fears down.

I'm being very careful about what I read - I turn the news off as it makes me angry and the tiniest things can make me sad. I'm constantly talking to myself trying to reassure myself. Believe it or not, the nicest things I watch are hypnobirthing birth videos. It's not for everyone and it's taken a few months for them not to trigger me, but everytime I watch one I relax and remind myself I can do it. The human race is continuing and we will be part of it! :) Do either of you have anything that calms you?

Haquoi I am so pleased the hypnobirthing programmes are helping you. I am keeping everything crossed for you that you get the beautiful birth you deserve . You are right to keep away from the things that you are finding hard. There is such a short time left for you, once your tiny rainbow is here there is all the time in the world for rekindling your relationship with the news. As for the adoption vs having another child debate, I wonder if a second+ subsequent pregnancy after loss gets any easier because you have the possitive experiance again, or whether pregnancies will forever be hard. I fully believe that you don't have to give birth to a child to have that bond. I hope whatever the future holds for you I hope it will be full of joy.

Kitty I so understand that feeling of 'this time last year' my timings of Azra's pregnancy and this one were only a month out. It can bring back a lot of painful associations so you need to be gentle with yourself and sometimes just allow those feelings. This time last year I was swearing I'd never do this pregnancy malarkey again, and here I am.

I'm afraid taking it by every hour etc is all you can do at the moment. Sometimes each of those hours feels like it lasts a day, which when you look ahead at the full nine months, it makes you wonder how on earth you will do it, but somehow you do. You will be given so many appointments and they have a lovely way of helping the time to go by. I found myself focussing on just getting to the next appointment. Now I have two left, TWO official appointments to induction day (unless I can convince them to whip the tiny badger boy out sooner) .

Hells I hope you are ok my lovely and that the days are ticking by quickly for you.

I haven't found anything specific that calms me down, but sometimes I just am naturally possitive and calm like I am certain it will all be ok (that's when I do the shopping) and others the opposite. I just never can predict which way it will go. I used to be able to find good in every situation, even when Azra died I was so incredibly grateful she died in spring, because everywhere was so beautiful, and the trees were bursting with pink blossom, perfect for a tiny girl.

As this pregnancy progresses, however I am finding the possitive harder to grasp, which I find hard. I guess I just don't feel like myself and I don't know who I am at the moment. As I get closer to my due date, and the time I lost her, the risk feels more, like a little time bomb ticking inside me, when the children or my husband get excited I want to run away and hide because I know I hold the potential to bring them crashing down again, and it hurts so much. I could almost cope with my own pain, but not theirs .
I have been keeping my mind busy typing up my husband's assignments for his masters. English is not his first language so I have been embellishing more for my benefit then for his!

Love to you all, you are amazing

Hypnobirthing sounds like a great idea. I might look into that once I'm much further on.

My counsellor has got back to me and it turns out she's also working as a specialist mw at my hospital so I'm meeting her there and going to ask about her new role. It may be that I can go under her mw care rather than counselling (it sounds odd but I'm not sure I need counselling atm, I feel like I need her as a comfort blanket a bit if that makes sense?)

Whilst focusing on my promise to engage with this pregnancy I headed over to the pregnancy board and read a thread where everyone was bragging about how low risk their 12 week bloods had come back as. God, how dumb am I! I now want to scream 'I was fucking low risk and I still lost my dd'. I know it's not their fault and it's the wrong way to take put my anger. I think maybe I'm just jealous that they get a lovely, innocent pregnancy whereas in the next 2 1/2 months there are 2 weeks where I don't have some sort of medical appointment.

I totally get the positive days, the other day I was telling my friends how I know there is absolutely nothing wrong with this baby and it will all be fine. The next day I'm utterly convinced there's no baby there at all!

kitty, I had exactly the same thing. Everyone going on about the risks and stats, and for me I just thought, 'well I've been that 1% before, it's all a pile of shit. Stats don't help'. But I'm replying on them now, hoping that lightning doesn't strike twice... I think the idea of being under that mw's care sounds like a fab idea. Yes, a blanket and not just counselling. We hired a doula (pulling out all stops, non of the baby budget has been spent on the baby!) and she's like that, a comfort blanket who I know is there for me whenever I need.

Howre you doing 3? I love the imagery of spring for Azra. It's fantastic that you can find the positivity in the situation. I tried with ds, and initially it was great. Then the situation of what happened really hit me and I've spent ages working through the bitterness and anger of that. But I'm starting to feel positive about ds again. I've just got to include him. His due date is 21st Jan, so I'm almost hoping hubs arrives close by it :) that would be lovely. My lmp date is 22nd!

Ooh I'll keep my fingers crossed then Haquoi!
I have tried to avoid happy people at all costs, or even worse, those that should be happy but complain all of the time in fact I think the only pregnant people I can tolerate are you lovely ladies because you understand what it is to have lost and yet hope. I'm not sure what we are feeling is jealousy though, Kitty, but more of a grief for the happiness we once had and should, in another universe, still have for our new pregnancies. It is a loss of innocence that doesn't just hinder our lives now but also taints our happiest of memories with a sort of sadness. I look at the photos of our lives before Azra, our beaming faces and I think 'you poor sods if only you knew what heartbreak is waiting for you!'

Hi all, poking my head very tentatively in here. I posted a bit a few months back when I was in the middle of a complex pregnancy and when my baby was stillborn. I've changed my username today as I've found out I'm pregnant and we have literally told no one in rl yet. My circumstances were quite identifying. I recognise a couple of names here. So ... here I am. Bfp yesterday, am 2 - 3 weeks and hyper aware of all that could go wrong. Have emailed my specialist midwife from last time to ask how I get referred back to them. Am delighted but terrified. And so it begins again!

Hopefully I remember you! We have similar(ish) stories I think.

Many congrats. I'm only 5 weeks so we're really close dates wise.

Welcome Hopefully, I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your child, congratulations on your pregnancy. You are in good company here, we are all in the same boat, different stories, different ways of coping with the journey but with understanding and no judgement. Many of us have already graduated and are holding their precious rainbows, so we know no matter how long those nine months seem to stretch out in front of us, it is doable. I hope for you, like I hope for the rest of these wonderful women a dull and boring pregnancy that zooms by .

Hi Kitty, I remember you too. We do have similar stories. How are you doing? Have you been back in touch with the hospital?
Badgers, thank you for your support. You commented on a thread I had going about memory items before! It's lovely to see some familiar faces.

I have, I'm booked for my 8 weeks scan and consultant antenatal appointment at the beginning of Feb. I'm also booked in with the fmc for the harmony package. I have my doc appointment tmrw to 'prove' I'm pregnant and refer me to the midwives.

I'm generally doing ok. It's been a big surprise as I was told I'd struggle to conceive with endo and adeno so we'd given up. I can feel my anxiety building, I don't really feel pregnant so that's my main worry atm.

How are you doing?

Oh hopefully I remember. I am sorry to see you here my darling I was keeping everything crossed for you. I hope you found some lovely things to honour your baby and bring you comfort. If you'd like to tell us about your little angel we'd love to hear.

Kitty it sounds like you are on your way to being sorted. Given your previous history will the nhs do the harmony test for you? I don't know if anything like that is possible, it's just I know that they don't routinely test for group b except where a woman has had history of it, in which case they do.

I'm ok I think. It's wierd. I've spent the last month or so thinking how it would be if I was pregnant and now I am but with no real symptoms so it doesn't really feel any different. It doesn't feel real to be honest. 10 weeks ago I was so pregnant that it impacted everything and now it's like I'm not really. It's strange to think that, all being well, I'll deliver our first, sleeping baby and our new baby both while I'm 35. Wierd. That's my verdict today. It's good that you have got your appointments all sorted. Will your 8 week appointment be your first with the consultant? I think I'll be the same.

Oh hoping, I can relate to that. One month I was overdue, and two months later I was finding out I was pregnant again. I watched women, who announced their pregnancies when I was advanced in mine, give birth to happy healthy babies, and there I was, still pregnant with nothing to show for it but a tiny grave and smudged mascara.