Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for our rainbows

[townsender]

Welcome to the thread, for anyone pregnant with a rainbow baby following baby loss.
A lot of us have graduated from the TTC angels and rainbows thread, but please feel free to join us if you are new, to share our highs and lows as we watch our bumps grow and await the safe arrival of our rainbows.

The current TTC thread is here:
Link

Hi hellsdells, it sounds like you have been through so much already with this little one.

I am 29+2 at the moment and have had early scans due to bleeding early on, then 12 weeks, 20 weeks, 24 weeks and 28 weeks, I am due another two scans, one at 32 weeks and one at 36. How is your little one measuring this pregnancy? Did they give you aspirin or anything?
So far my little rainbow boy is doing well. He looks like he will be a bit of a chunker, and I feel ready to pop already. I guess I was only recently heavily pregnant, so maybe my body didn't recover fully. However I find going for the scans very stressful, even when I can feel him wriggling around I am still convinced they are going to tell me that they can't find a heartbeat. The sonographers have been brilliant though and each time they focus on that first, let me have a good look at that little heart doing it's thing before getting down to doing their checks. I am getting help from the maternity psychologist for my anxiety which is really helping me. I've had a few other traumatic events (car crash, and dd1 was injured requiring emergency surgery) and without the psychologist for support I would have really struggled.

Just like here, I think if I didn't have these ladies for support it would have been much harder. I guess we don't fit in with 'normal' pregnant people because of what we have lived through and fear, and we no longer fit in with the bereaved because we have that little ray of hope, but here we are normal and understood which is precious at a time like this.

Time goes slowly my lovely, but it does go. When I was in hospital with dd is was trying to work out how long I had left in terms of school summer holidays. I had more than two lots of summer holidays back to back to get through, and now I have less than one and a half. It helps me to think of it in terms like that, it sounds less than when I work in individual weeks

Ahh the aspirins..my consultant gave me these to take from 10weeks,and im still to take them. Think that will last till the end now. Baby is measuring fine for now,and all seems healthy,scams have gone ok amd i also agree with the "scanxiety" thing. I get so wound up in the couple of days before as im sure that bad news is coming my way. I was sat with a lady (her 1st pg) and coukd see her excitement and she was looking forward to jer scan amd finding out the sex. I remember thinking "my god,i was that naive once". I never saw it coming. That dreaded news only ever happened to other people..not me. (2 close friends had stillborns onmy a few weeks apart and that still never put it into perspective).

Your scans are the same as mine,im due a 24wk one in just over a weeks time. Needless to say im anxious already. My 2 older dcs have been great though. My lad has his exams next yr so his mond is away with that. My daughter is clinging on to hope though...its taught her a lesson of life and how we should cherish it. She had already made jojo a big part of her life and was pretty devastated when we came home alone. Shes happier now but does still involve him in convos we have, (talking about xmas and she says jojo will love playing with x toy/game or jojo would have sucha toy if he was with us amd she wpuld teach him the whole world etc).

Yes this is more the norm for me now... i lost who i thought was a very close friend when i found out i was pregnant and said "person" didnt even get in touch after losing jojo. I dont speak to many people and never go out,(school run only) so im sort of lurking on the net most days for any sort of convo where i will fit in. It seems nice on MN so thats why i thought of leaving a message. Im glad we are not alone...sad for circumstances but as you say...its the support and understanding that makes us feel "normal".

Timing...i look at it like this...
4wks time is christmas
4wks later daughters bday
4wks later sons bday
baby due a week later
or as close to that as poss.

Xxx

Ps...sorry for long posts... im a hermit and dont conversate...till hubby comes home at half 6..poor him xx

Ah hellsdells your family sounds similar to mine. My DD1 (who is now six, five at the time of Azra's birth) is also very good at including Azra into everything we do. When she was off school after her operation we made christmas stockings for our family and she was very excited to make one for Azra and also one for the new baby too. I also have two DS. My eldest is 10, he saw me in tears, in the school playground at pick up time, after my epic fail at the hospital the other day and came rushing out to make sure the baby was ok and then my second DS is 8 and seems like he is handling it much better. When Azra was born he cuddled her and said, "it doesn't matter that you are a girl, or that you died, you are still my best friend." It broke my heart.
When I go to the antenatal appointments I purposely try to sit somewhere where it would be difficult for anyone else to sit close to me just so I can avoid talking about numbers of children etc. I too am trying to busy myself with things that mean I can hide away, sort of glad it is a busy time of year with appointments and school things. The thing is it is the total opposite of what I used to be like, I used to be so possitive and always seeing people. I'm going to visit a friend this morning I have been putting it off for weeks, and I feel so nervous. I have heard that she is also pregnant but she hasn't said anything to me yet. I just don't know how I will handle the conversation. Even though I am pregnant myself I still struggle with other pregnant people. Funnily enough not you lot though. I guess it is becuase I no longer associate with them and their happiness and so I don't trust myself to get through and conversations without either terrifying them or coming accross all doom and gloom and generally ungrateful!

Hope today is a good one for you all x

Hello folks!
A quick message to say welcome to hellsdells. I hope you find this thread a comfort, even though there are not too many users (I am also guilty of disappearing after having had my rainbow) it is nice as you really get to 'know' others.
Baby town is 2 months old now, and brilliant. Pregnancy does drag, but you Will get there, and it is so so worth it.
I also kept Grace's pram, and now use it for my little boy. It's uni sex enough. I have a matching toy though, which makes me a bit sad as we bought a spare and buried the original one with Grace.
Positive hugs to you all
X

Welcome hellsdells, I'm so sorry to hear about your little boy. I'm also so pleased to hear you're expecting your rainbow and really understand, like all the other amazing people here, just how hard it is. I've had slightly more time between ds' birth and getting pregnant again than you and 3 (although their due dates are a week apart, so not much) and really remember a lot of the anxiety and hermit tendencies - I was forced out of being a hermit this autumn for a number of reasons and found it really hard. It's hard to remember what I was like before M. I hate it when people say congratulations and luckily the people I deal with all know about M so I'm not dealing with stupid questions all the time.

My baby boy Marvellous, was born at on 3rd September 2014 at 19 weeks in a different country when I was on my own. I'm now 30 weeks with our rainbow, due 6th feb. I've had a lot of trouble justifying my grief as he was so little (and we couldn't do anything with his body because of the country's laws, and we don't know what happened to him), but I've come to the conclusion that it feels like a stillbirth, so I treat it as such.

Everyone copes in different ways - I found not focusing on the end helped and just thought, dead or alive I will love my baby and I'm going to enjoy the time I have with him. It's both harder and easier now he's bigger and we're actually getting stuff given to us. I've also just bought his pram, which is exciting and terrifying. I'm starting to hope. I've also done hypnobirthing, which has kept me calm whenever I panic and also helped me deal with some of the ptsd symptoms, counselling (nhs cbt), reflexology, and we've spent all the baby budget on a doula who will help keep me safe and grounded. DH had also been fantastic. I'm finding pregnancy emotionally exhausting though, I'm looking forward to having him safely here!

Sorry, long post! ellie I'm so pleased you're able to go back to work. How're you feeling? And how're things going with you 3?

Haquoi we all had to give birth to our much loved babies, that is the thing that is important. When, not so much really. When is only important in the tales of those little lives. It is another small way in which we can describe them x

Thanks 3, that really helps. I spent so long jn Italy having to justify him, it's only now I'm able to refuse to x

Hello everyone, hope you're all doing well. I'm keeping busy with appointments etc. Got midwife today, work Tue and Fri and my birth afterthoughts appointment on Wed. Planning on probably using 4-6 keep in touch days for work, figure it'll help break up the week and give me a big of extra money.

Think I'm going to push for induction at 38 weeks, am starting to feel like I don't want to go into spontaneous labour. How can I trust myself/ my body when it went so wrong last time? I feel annoyed that all this time they have said 38 weeks and now I feel like they were just saying it to keep me happy with no intention of actually doing it.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm feeling very detached from everything. I haven't felt worried or upset and I've been feeling bad about that. I wonder whether it's a defence thing? Has anybody else felt like this? I'm starting to worry about how I'm going to feel after the birth, I just feel like I'm keeping everything and everyone at arms length.

Hi all,been quiet over the weekend,having a hormonal teenager does not help the anxiety at all!
Thanks for the welcome haquoi,it was a very hard time in our pwn country so i cant imagine being in a diff country,alone,and not knowing whats goin on etc.

Ive had a rather lazy weekend,apart from 15 yr old having a new gf and is more than happy to argue to hell and back when it comes to doing house chores. Lr infact anything in general. (Typical teenage syndrome..i know) ggrr.... still gets you frustrated,and i whilst i would love to keep him as young as poss forever...it suddenly dawned on me that my koddys are growing up..and starting to take more control over there own lives. Whilst im sat here like a over inflated balloon.(i think secretly i wanted him to be mummys boy for longer,especially after losing joseph)

Anyways...im now 23+2,and think baby has moved to a completely diff position.I woke up yesterday and realised i hadnt even been woke up by the squished full bladder that normally has running to the loo at 5.45am every morn. Cue the anxiety.It was at this point nearly 10am. To say i was fraking out a little was an understatement. I mustve turned over a trillion times,lay in every position possible and poked n prodded till my tum was a new shade of red/pink. What actually got my bubba moving was.... going for a poo! Yep...ya read right..as simple as it sounds,i do get a bot bound up and even though i wasnt too bad,clearly,this bubba likes allll tge soace it can get and that includes bowel space.
Came from the loo,had a huuuge cuppa to calm me down and cue a rather fidgety baby..all day. Infact..i went for a wee that many times yesterday i couldve set up camp in my toilet! Gosh they do get your nerves going,and this bubba has clearly shown us that its not gona wait till its the 15yr old i already have.
My day ended in a nice chilled evening at the inlaws,u till hubby decided he jad wnough as our 9yr old daughter decided to act total nuts and annoy everyone. Heurghhhh...it was a tiring day!
Glad to say today has been alot more relaxed. Whikat bubba has moved,all be it not a huuge amount,i can feel a bum/back at the front of belly so rekon bubba is now facing my back and that wpuld explain it. Im not overly concerned as i can still feel the boops and bops.
1 week till our 24 week scan,we are on a countdown now.. 14 wks to go. Fingers crossed our induction stays the same, i will going out my mind if they tey n steing ne along!
Hugs to all xx

Omg...typo... try and string us along i need more than a brew!

ellie I've felt like that quite a bit - I was a mess before I got pregnant and then suddenly everything had to be ok so that I could give the best chance for my baby and so it was... About now my coping methods are breaking down slightly so I'm I'm feeling less detached, but it doesn't surprise me at all that you are. How did it go with the midwife? I think push for what you need, it's not fair of them to mess you around like that.

Haha hells they do like to worry you! I've had a few panicky days like that, luckily not too many though. Bubs has been squirming like nobody's business, fighting my stomach and it's contents and then rejoicing with extra kicking when I do a poo. He's adorable. 31 weeks tomorrow!

haq i had a busy shopping day yesterday amd lo and bwhold this morning the same thing happened,soon moved about again after some brekky and a hot brew.
Seems ive come down with a bad chest this week,not a cold or sore throat though but this last couple of days its turned into the most horrendous cough,and my god does it hurt! Took me back to my smoking days quit 3nhalf yrs ago.

Im 24+1 now,and kindof had that excited feeling this week knowing im in that "safe to save" zone. Hubby wontvhave me doing anything..bless him. Hes great for getting things done and sorted but i am crossing the line of boredom this week...if i stand up to walk i get asked about movements etc. Fully understand his anxiety though so i dont complain.
Heres to another week of hope. Midwife on tuesday with growth scan. Cue the nerves and worry...again xxx

Hello, just checking in quickly. Haquoi sorry to hear you're struggling a bit, I hope you're starting to feel a bit more positive now. I think we all have good and bad weeks, I can never predict or figure out the way I'll feel from one week to the next. hells glad to hearlittle one is wriggling plenty, I hope your midwife appointment goes well on Tuesday.

I met with the midwife and she said she saw no reason why I couldn't be induced at 38 weeks, she even contacted the consultant to have this agreed (which it was!) And she made sure I would see the consultant at the next appointment so I can have the date confirmed. So it looks like I'll be induced 3 weeks on Wednesday! There is also the possibility of a sweep just before induction to try snd bring on labour naturally, so pleased I didn't have to argue my case.

Hope everyone has had a lovely weekend x

Hello ladies, sorry for being a bit absent.

Hels how did the midwife go yesterday? DH sounds lovely wanting to fuss over you. Enjoy it while you can and let him feel useful, it must be so hard on them.

Ellie three weeks! Maybe even sooner if the sweep works. I am keeping everything crossed for you, and our soon to be newest rainbow

Haquoi I hope you are coping a little better my lovely, I am feeling much the same as you, hence being quiet for a while.

I have come to the realisation that I am avoiding babies. I can't even look at them if I know they were born since Azra because they raise too many painful what ifs. I'm now getting a bit worried about what happens if I can't even look at this little boy when he is born. Good news though, I made it, with the psychologist, to the delivery ward. I spent the whole time in tears but I feel so much better for doing it. It seems a lot brighter than I remember. I stood outside the room where I gave birth to her, I couldn't go in because unfortunately someone was in there (the room is used for stillbirths) The psychologist wrote in my notes that it would be detrimental to me to make me go much more than 38 weeks, and that it would benefit me to learn of an induction date sooner rather than later. I have my 32 week apt next Tuesday, do you think there is a chance of them telling me then?

3 that's wonderful that you managed to visit the ward again (you're a braver woman than I, even though I won't have that chance I'm not sure I could take it. Might never even visit Italy again!) Absolutely hats off to you. Your psychologist sounds like they've really got your back, that's wonderful. What date would 38 weeks be? There's no harm in trying to pinpoint one at your next app. As for looking at babies, I know exactly where you're coming from. I think it'll be very different with your baby though - other people's babies aren't your's, and that's the problem (for me anyway).

ellie that's so exciting, what fantastic news! Is three weeks a 2015 or 2016 baby?

Thanks Haquoi, I'll be 38 weeks exactly on the 26th jan but I think that falls over the weekend so I'm not sure they will be willing to do the induction then.

Is there a plan of action for you yet?

Hi again,
Badger, i had 2 friends have babies within 3wks of our joseph,major heart killer. I look at those babies and see there growth and how they are progressing with frustration. Dont want to sound horrid but i really struggle to feel joy for them. Im happy they have healthy babies...but angry that i dont. Iyswim.
Haquoi, im glad to hear that baby is wriggling as much for you as mine is for me,after all its those big belters that reassure us all is well.
Elle, that would be great,i think going full term would kill me off,mentally,i just would never cope. My anxieties are bad enough now...god help me then.

Badger, im reading about your ward visit and keeping hold of some of your strength. Its hard to do and we have to do it regardless. I have a gtt next week and die to the fact i throw up in morning, they want me do it on the ward.. the same one i had my mmc nrly 2yrs ago and also my boy joseph. Emotions are high... ive onmy ever had bad news on that ward!

Midwife went ok...other than i have stupidly high sugars in my wee. dipshit me ate a bowlful of the most sugary cereal monwy can buy before i peed in a jar so now im being tested at 26wks instead of 28. Oh joy!
Baby is fine,couldnt check placenta though as my bladder was overly full. Still didnt find out the sex,although its getting harder to look at the screen without it being clearlt obvious what bits are what.

Hugs,brews and flowers for everyone. Hope this weekend is a happy one for all xxx

Oh hellsdells can anyone go with you to the glucose test? I told my psychologist that even though I know that delivery suit had nothing to do with Azra's death that there was a big part of me that feared for my new baby, just by being there. She said it was perfectly normal. I hope it goes well for you my lovely

Echoing 3's comment above hells about having someone with you. My aunt had her baby a couple of weeks before DS' due date. I've never met her and not sure when I'll be able to. It's a shame, but how it is.

3 my fears have gone the other way - I have a bit of a phobia of hospitals and intervention, with Ptsd triggers definitely including vaginal examinations, waters being artificially broken and the drip. They'd have to drag me kicking and screaming to be induced. I know that the hospitals here aren't like the one in Italy and I won't have to speak Italian, so definitely some irrational fears, but still. I'm aiming for a home birth and don't want the midwife anywhere near me. I want to be left to it without having to deal with anyone else's crap. Luckily everyone seems on board with homebirth so far so I'm keeping my fingers crossed and have a doula and the hypnobirthing keeping me calm ish.

Funny how we are all so different isn't it? The important thing is that whoever it is looking after us is on board. I had a homebirth with dd1 and it was wonderful.

Azra would have been 9 months old today. I have now been without her as long as I had her I miss her so much that tiny little girl.

xxxx

Hi again all,
Fortunatley as said before, my hubby is fab and very understanding (if a little too much) but weve decided that we are going to leave big lad in with our daughter as shes bone lazy,especially a saturday morn when theres no school rush and she will lie in till midday or later if we didnt pester. We should manage to get there and back before shes even realised we have gone,although she knows we are going,but as i say..she will sleep through us not bein there. Shes 9 and laddo is 15 (nrly 16) so not too young to be in on a saturday morn.

It is an overwhelming fear of what happened last time is going to happen again, it does kind of swallow you up. Needs must though so i will crack on and get in there and get this done. Cant stop to think for too long else i will be hyperventilating with anxiety,and that is somethimg i can do without!
I dont think i could get past the 37 week mark without some intervention now,although it doesnt feel as though ots dragging,this pregnancy has totally wiped my brain and i feel like im supporting mush under my skull. Its hard to even think right at times!
Down to normal pregnancy moans... yes i still have those... climbing out of bed in the best fashion possible,alls my poor hubby gets is the entire mattress rocking n tipping for all the wrong reasons and a great big long "eurghhhhhh grunt grunt" from me... dam bloody toilet trips!
hope all is well with you both. Xxx

Hellsdells you made me laugh with for all the wrong reasons. Dd sounds lovely sleeping in! My dc's bounce into action at 6am even on the weekends, I can't remember the last time I stayed in bed after 7am. Shall we do a little swap for a bit?

I also have an overwhelming fear that the same will happen again. Some days I am more possitive than others, and on those days I am trying to be proactive and get bits ready or read baby things, but other days I can't even attempt anything like that.

Haquoi I hope you are doing well my lovely.

Ellie how are you? Not long now! Is it helping getting closer to the birth or is it making the anxiety worse?

Afm I have my 32 weeks scan and consultants appointment tomorrow. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a more concrete plan of action, seeming though my psychologist recomonded it in my notes. I shall let you know!

Love to all the other mummies, Angels and rainbows x

Well I am officially down in the hospital diary for induction on the 26th jan and a sweep on the 19th. This time in six weeks I might be on my way to giving birth six weeks is doable right?