Angels and Rainbows - remembering our angels and praying for our rainbows

[townsender]

Welcome to the thread, for anyone pregnant with a rainbow baby following baby loss.
A lot of us have graduated from the TTC angels and rainbows thread, but please feel free to join us if you are new, to share our highs and lows as we watch our bumps grow and await the safe arrival of our rainbows.

The current TTC thread is here:
Link

Fantastic news 3 that's so exciting! That's absolutely doable - how are your preparations going?

We went to our first antenatal class today and I found it so much harder than I had thought. My midwife who we had with ds was leading it - she's lovely but we chose not to have her again because of memories. It was all a bit of a shock though. I couldn't look at the newborn photos and must have seemed so unfriendly! Also my dislike of pregnant women came flooding back - I've spent the last 8 months not seeing anyone and now I'm fighting another 9 women for my home birth. I felt very territorial, it was so strange. DH really enjoyed it though, which is fantastic. I calmed down and relaxed towards the end but still feel really shaken. Grrr.

Well in think it was massively brave of you to go Haquoi. I completely understand about the pictures of newborns and pregnant women. In part for me it is that feeling that they are so innocently happy, and that is how we should be but can't. The thing is with us being heavily pregnant it is harder to understand by the outside world. It somehow seems irrational and ungrateful of us. How many homebirth midwives are there? Is it litterally one labour at a time that they can cater for?

Afm I got a text from my oldest and dearest friend today, saying that she thinks we should put our friendship on hold until I am in a better place emotionally. I get it, I'm not the same optimistic person I was and I never know if it is going to be a good day or a bad bad. If it is a bad day I can be teary or panicky and I guess after nine months that can be quite draining. We live a fair distance apart anyway and so most of our friendship is over the phone anyway. It just feels like one extra thing that's all Then again the kindness of strangers has floored me this week. And I got a lovely Christmas card from the midwife who delivered dd1, acknowledging the range of emotions ladies like us feel, how sad she is that Azra can't be with us, and how she is looking forward to hear of the arrival of my rainbow it was lovely x

Eurgh, 3, while I suppose in the longterm it's good that she's honest if she's not able to help, it's not a pleasant thing to have said to you and like you say, not a good time. I'm sorry.

That's lovely that your midwife sent you a card, wonderful that she's put that thought and effort in. It makes a difference when people remember and make note, doesn't it?

I feel like everyone has forgotten M with all the fuss about this new one. Sometimes I even find myself resenting this baby for not being M and then I feel awful. I know I will love them both equally and this is a new feeling so I hope it doesn't last for long. But it's hard to see even now the relationship DH had built up with bubs that he didn't have at all with M. Still just me grieving on my own. It'll never end.

Home birth wise it's crap! There are two on call midwives for the whole of North Cumbria, and that's including the birth centre. So if someone's in the birth centre or having a home birth, they'd try to get me to hospital, which is half an hour away. First come first served. I have no intention of going, but find the idea of it quite stressful.

I have popped in to say hello quickly. I'll have a quick read of everything when I get home but for now 3, I'm so happy you have an induction date! 6 weeks is extremely doable! It will absolutely fly by, I'm sure of it. I find having a date to focus on really helps.

Baby Flam has been keeping me very busy. She is a high needs baby and won't let me put her down! I don't mind (most of the time!).

I have decided to attach a cute little pic so you can see what you have to look forward to (and also, I'm showing off). Just trying to keep positive as it's James' birthday next Friday and I'm having a bit of a tough time.

Haquoi, I have the exact same feelings about this baby and Azra. I love him to bits already, and when I think he is not moving I am terrified beyond belief, but when everyone is forgetting her on focusing on how brilliant it will be when he is here, all I can say is 'but he isn't her.' It is not even that I expect him to be her just that even though I just want to hold him in my arms I still want to do the same for Azra too!
The homebirth set up is a bit hit and miss then saying that with dd1 it sounded pretty similar, I felt very much as I was competing with different women for my chance to give birth, but luckily she was born at home. Do you think you would feel more comfortable with the prospect of a birth centre rather than a hospital if you need to be transferred? Just with it being more homely, I am not even sure if that is an option but given your circumstances I am sure strings could be pulled. I will keep everything crossed for you my lovely.

Flambola, I've been thinking of you and the run up to James' birthday. It must be even harder for you with the run up being impossible to escape and everyone talking about that certain day. Do you have any thoughts about how you will spend the day? I have a very special candle to light for him on that day (angel wings by Yankee candle) just so you know he is being celebrated by us too. Your baby is gorgeous and very happy looking.

flambola, beautiful baby!! Beautiful smile! I'm so pleased for you :) I'll be thinking of you on James's birthday x

3 I'd be competing for the birth centre as well, there's only one room! It's absolutely tiny. I've pretty much decided that I'm not transferring unless there's a medical reason, so they'll have to send someone. I'd feel more in danger transferring than waiting it out at home until someone was free. DH and I are going to bring it up at our next midwife appointment anyway and see what she says. I've been talking to baby more today and the love has come back :) it's just so scary allowing myself to trust and believe he'll be here ok

Haquoi, are there any independent midwives close by that you could use as a stand in? I don't know how that would work like, just a suggestion. I feel frustrated for you my lovely. You, more than anyone , deserve the birth that will bring you the most peace. When they booked me in for my induction, they put a 'do not postpone/cancel' next to it. There must be something like that, that they could do.
If not, then you call them with the smallest of niggles, if it is like the birth I had with dd1 they will send out one first then she will call for the second when birth is getting closer. If she thinks you are starting ask her to stay, tell her that by not staying you will struggle emotionally and that you would be grateful of her emotional support.
If I was a midwife, especially a homebirth midwife, the one birth that I would not want to miss would be the birth of a rainbow baby. The emotion and everything must be something else for them.

Hi everyone,hope you're all ok. 3 that's great that you have a date, the end is in sight!

Been a bit quiet as I went for my 36 week scan and his weight has dropped,they booked me in for induction next Wed with scans today and Monday to check everything ok. Little monkey has now turned breech (after being 4/5 engaged for ages) so am currently propped in stupid positions in the hope of turning him and avoiding a csec.

flambola she is lovely,I bet with that smile you don't mind her being a little clingy. I hope James' birthday is ok, I found the idea and the leading up to worse than the day its self, I hope it will be the same for you.

haquoi I hope you manage to get the birth you want. I tried for a home birth last time and was strongly advised againsg one this time, I still feel sad that I'll never have the birth that I wanted but in the scheme of things, as long as baby is ok that's all that matters. Try not to let it stress you.

ellie next Wednesday, that's exciting and so close!! Sending 'turn baby, turn' vibrations to you.

You're right about trying not to get too stressed - it seems that I solve one problem and then fixate on another. I just felt like a gave in so much at ds' birth in order to manage the situation and keep the peace that I can't compromise at all with this one. I don't want to be bullied or scared into anything. I think after we talk to the midwife we'll feel better.

That's a really good idea 3 about calling with niggles and getting myself on the radar, I hadn't thought of that, thanks!

Ellie, next Wednesday! That is really exciting (for me and Haquoi) I imagine that you are going through all kinds of emotions right now.

Your baby is a smart one, I always thought it was a bit daft standing on your head for weeks on end. I'm hoping in a moment of madness the tiny little scamp turns before b day

Haquoi I'm still keeping things crossed that the next time you see the midwife she can put your mind at rest.

Hellsdells, I hope you are doing alright too my lovely x

Hi everyone, just a little update. Baby is still being difficult and is breech. Got a scan Wed in the hope he turns and I canbe induced, if he's still the wrong way round I'll have a cesarean on Christmas Eve...feeling very real and very scary! Hope everyone is wellx

Oh Ellie the end is in sight, I'm keeping everything crossed that the baby has turned but more importantly that you are both safe and sound. Please keep us posted my lovely, the best of luck! X

Fingers crossed for you ellie, I'll be thinking of you in the next few days! Xx

Thinking of you tomorrow Ellie. I'm so excited for you! X

Good luck Ellie

Ellie, if baby hadn't turned, and you have a c section today, the best of luck. If baby did turn and you were induced, I hope you are both well and recovering and enjoying lots of snuggles

Merry Christmas to everyone here, to your Angels, to Rainbows already welcomed and those to come, as well as family and loved ones

Happy christmas everyone.
Happy first birthday To your angel boy Flambola

Hi everyone, just a quick one to say that cesarean went well and my little boy was born at 2:05 on Christmas Eve. Only just got out of hospital as he was a little jaundice and lost too much weight but we're hopefully back on track now. Hoping everyone had a lovely Christmas x

Congratulations Ellie glad to know he is on track again x

Wonderful news ellie!! I'm so pleased for you :)

Can I join please? I'm waaaay behind you guys, only just found out. 4+6 today!

We lost dd2 last Jan to T18, we had a tfmr at 22 weeks. I have endo too so this one is a big surprise (we stopped trying as I had an op booked late Jan to sort it!)

I'm due early sept. I spent today calling and boring various medical appointments and scans, all of which I was dreading. I've also got back in touch with my counsellor as I have a feeling that I want to stick my head in the sand and pretend ts not happening!

Yey kitty I'm thrilled for you my lovely, you are in good company here. Pregnancy is a roller coaster after a loss but we get through it by putting one foot in front of the other. I wish you a delightfully boring pregnancy, September can't come quickly enough!

Haquoi and hells how are you both doing? I've been thinking of you both. I hope the festive season was kind to you both and the flooding has not affected you both.

Afm, I had to go in for reduced movement at the weekend. Little badger boy is ok but there was a lady in the bed opposite who was 15 days over due and the consultant was trying very loudly to convince her to be induced. I don't think he could have said 'the ctg proves nothing but your baby is ok at this moment in time, not that he will be ok in a few hours time' any more than he did. The poor midwife kept coming over to appologise to me for having to hear it but my anxiety is now through the roof. Also panicking as my induction is on the 26th and I am scared it will be affected by the strikes! I just don't trust myself to be able to keep him safe, and I have had my mind focused on getting to 38 weeks not 38+.

Other than that, the big news is we have put up the cot! It actually was lovely to do, I did have a bit of a cry for Azra and the pain of having the cot up, without a baby, once before but u I am glad we made the first step.

Hope all the rainbow babies are doing well to you all x

Thanks badgers. I'm currently swinging between trying to ignore it, trying not to and feeling like 'shit I can't do this'.

After being told I probably couldn't have anymore I'd made myself ok with our little family of 3. Now it's all change again and I should be over the moon and excited hit I'm not, I'm overwhelmed and terrified!