For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

@Ttc42nearly43 I really hope the counselling helps with your marriage it would be amazing if you two could re connect although I agree husbands are never going to love us like mums do it's just another level. I don't think you are pathetic at 40 feeling that way I'm 29 and certainly don't imagine me being any less desperate for her in another 10 ,20, 30 years. A life without a mum that you were so close to is bleaker than bleak

@LucyintheSky21

Thank you for checking in I tried to PM u earlier but was interrupted with the kids arguing with each other. Today am very tearful opted to work from home today been crying off and on all morning.am I couldn't face going into the office. I just feel so shit am really struggling. Am even thinking maybe I should take some more time off work to get through this period where I seem to have taken several steps back but I don't know if I would feel worse with more time in my hands. I feel so unloved and rejected. Am just a sad case and am desperate to talk to my mum about problems am having in my marriage but she's gone and that fact is making it impossible to surface.

How are you getting on today? You are still in the very early stages. I remember the early months vividly like a horrible horrible nightmare that you couldn't wake up from. I recall that I couldn't wait till bedtime as when I eventually fell asleep I'd have some hours where I could blank out the pain but as soon as my eyes opened the next morning you are right back in the middle of the physical pain of greiving someone so important to you. I had maybe a month or so there where I felt like I was just about coping but it didn't last long.

@Ttc42nearly43

PM me anytime. I know what it’s like when kids start fighting and playing up, having two boys. And I don’t blame you opting to work from home. I’ve had a friend over today who I used to work with, it’s weird taking about it though. It’s like we’re talking about someone else. I still feel 7 weeks on like I’m in a daze and none of its really happening. As nice as friends are, unless they’ve been through it I don’t think they can ever really understand what we are going through. Grief is a lonely thing and my situation with the family (I have a situation going on with my sister, a bit like your aunt but different) but if you PM me I will explain as I’d love some advice from someone who is in the same boat as me. And someone similar age too, just to see what someone else’s take on it is who is in my position. I was 40 just two days before my dad passed. Hate that word.
Has your day got any better? I was very tearful this morning too before my friend who I used to work with came round, around 11.30 and then sort of had to pull myself together but I just feel lonely lost and very depressed with life. Like you, I can’t see an end to any of this pain and sadness. And I’m trying to carry my mum who is falling to bits. A situation going on with my sister which is making the grief and pain of losing my dad so much more unbearable.
If you feel like you need more time before going back to work then take it definitely. This is more important than anything else, coming to terms with this loss or dealing with it. I’m not going to say, get over as I don’t believe we ever do get over losing a parent. When you talk about more time on your hands, I’m not working at the moment and my hubby has gone back to work so I’m alone a lot through the day and if I’m not with people I just end up in a total state. Putting on music that my dad used to listen to (Jimi Hendrix he loved) and it just puts me in a deeper depression and I can’t stop crying or pick myself up. Honestly can say I feel like it’s getting harder and harder to get through the day. What you say about waiting for bed time, that’s me. I’m looking forward each day to bedtime to close my eyes and fall asleep and then not be in this pain but as soon as I wake up it washes over me and it hurts so much. I wake every night in the early hours without fail and then just lay awake thinking about it all and torturing myself.
When does your counselling start, did you say Weds? I really hope it helps you. I might end up down that route myself if I’m being honest.
Are things any better with your husband? Does he have both parents? Do you think any of the issues are because he’s not been through it or were their issues before? I know marriages are hard work, in that you have to work at them and no-ones marriage is 100% perfect all the time, no matter what people make out or say. But you do need your other half to help you and be there for you as much as he can right now. My husband hasn’t lost his mum or dad but he was very close to my dad, they were friends and he thought a lot of my dad. They’re both into motorbikes and used to go for rides together so he feels the loss too bu when I’m in pieces he must find it hard knowing what to say. What can anyone say who hasn’t or isn’t going through what we are?
I feel like there’s nothing to look forward to anymore. PM me later if you feel you’d like to xx

I’ve tried to read through all the posts since I last posted, and @Testarossa44 and @LucyintheSky21 my heart goes out to you both (& all). It feels as if you’re both going through exactly what I am- and the horribleness of covid guidance (I have to go through with a PALS discussion due to the issues around my father’s death and to say that I am just dreading it would be an understatement). But I’ve been literally in operational, funeral mode until today, where I am finding it increasingly difficult to push the tsunami of grief away. It’s the funeral on Thursday, and looks to be a lovely send off, but I’m just petrified of letting all my grief through. I’ve managed to pretend Dad is just on the other end of a phone but now panicking and realising he’s not there. And I’m so tired. Just so so so so tired- a bone crunching tiredness. I’m trying to get myself out for an hour or two every day but it’s getting trickier and trickier. It’s not only the grief, but recovering from covid myself too, and I just don’t know which is which. And then having to take on the burden of my poor mums grief. Aargh. How do you all get through it? Im just so sad.

@basilstrawberry

Hi there, Thank you. I am so truly sorry about your Dad. I’d like to say that I know what you’re going though and how you feel, because I really do and I’m sorry that you find yourself here as well. I’m also sorry o hear you’ve had covid. Can I ask, when did your dad pass and was it sudden? It was 7 weeks ago for me that we lost my dad and like you, I’m only getting through each day by pretending really like dad is still here but just away somewhere at the moment. My mum was married to my dad for 47 years so like you, I am trying to prop my mum up. I have two kids at primary school and I’m a SAHM so for me I’m taking the kids to school each day and then I’m home to do jobs and things that I need to do at my house before checking in on my mum, then back home to pick the kids up and I do tea every night for my mum to make sure that a) she eats and b) she’s not alone at tea time and my oldest son stays at her house every night as my mum won’t be alone now. It’s all a gigantic mess and I can’t get my head around how my dad was a fit healthy well man and out on his motorbike all day and then the next day he is gone, just like that. I wish I had the answers as to how any of us are meant to get through this but I don’t.
I will be thinking of you on Thursday. We had my dad’s funeral on a Thursday. He passed on Friday 25th September and the Thursday after we had to have his funeral. To be honest, how I got through it I don’t honestly know but I was very numb for all of it. It was like it was someone else’s funeral, if that makes sense. I think you’ll find that (or hopefully) find that all the people there will carry you through the day. Knowing that all my dad’s friends were there for me really helped and they kept giving me knowing nod’s. My dad had such a lot of friends. Sending hugs xx

Oh @LucyintheSky21 thank you. You can’t know how comforting it is to hear that. The messages and the comfort that has come in from friends across the world, and from dads school, even, has been like a hug. You sound as if you are doing an incredible job at propping up your mum- and it must be so difficult- I hope the going through the routine and motions are helping for now. It’s so hard isn’t it- particular for my mum. They were together after meeting at school at 16, so together for 55 years and just coming up on the 29th to their 50th wedding anniversary.

Dad died suddenly, unexpectedly and horribly from covid on the 1st. I had gone up to help mum look after him (we live about 60 miles apart) and knew that I’d get it (despite all of us being double jabbed). But it’s all a mess too. I’m due to start a new job soon, which is a significant commitment to be in an office 4/5 and I just don’t know how I’ll cope- unless it’s a going through motions and then just having to cry into my pillow. But I can’t do that because my DS looks increasingly worried about how I am, so I have to seem as “normal as possible. My husband doesn’t seem to think that anything has changed- or at least things have gone back to normal, two weeks in.

Oh god, I’m so tired.

@basilstrawberry, the funeral is the hardest day, I hope you have plenty of support. I was terrified about it didn't think I'd get through it, and it was tough, but I did. I cried all through the service and watching his coffin being driven away from the chapel wrecked me. Its a hard day, but you will get through it. Like you I don't live close to my mum, (I'm 75 miles away) so it has been so hard trying to help mum out although my sister is local, so that's a comfort, but I understand how much the distance does little but create worry about mum.
My dad's sister passed away a week and a half ago. Eerily she died from exactly the same thing as my dad, a blood clot stopped her heart. So I've another funeral to go to beginning of December. Just horrendous.

The tiredness is crippling, I never feel rested either, and my partner is lost about how to help me cope, he's trying to be all normal too. So I get that too.

@Testarossa44 I’m so so sorry for you. I’m the same- my sisters are local but they are dealing with it in their own ways, but it is just breaking my heart. We are having to put a rota system in place to help her as she is just heartbroken. But it’s getting through the funeral now and the. Trying to get some counselling and help coping from there when it hits.

Exactly. He’s devastated too, but trying to hold things together. But it’s so hard with the crippling tiredness and I’m just so short tempered.

@basilstrawberry

Oh gosh, I am so sorry. Your situation sounds similar to mine, my mum and dad were married a long time like yours (47 years). What an awful thing this Covid really is, it terrifies me. What an awful way to go. Like your dad, it was totally unexpected and sudden. My dad had no health conditions and was fit and well, my mum leant on my dad and they were a unit. They did everything together. It was my big 40th birthday on the Weds (22nd Sept) and the day after my dad was fine all day out with his friends and a normal day. It was that night he started with chest pains which he thought was indigestion and turned out to be a heart attack and my mum rang me when paramedics were there. My poor mum had to do CPR on my dad and he was taken to hospital, but the next day me and my mum and sister were sat round the hospital bed and he passsd away. The days get harder, I’m 7 weeks in and it gets harder every day. Like you, I feel the anger and I go from devastated and flat and heartbroken from raging anger that this has happened. I can’t understand why my dad when he had so much to live for and I know he was not ready to go. I’m also permanently tired but I think it’s all the sadness and our thoughts that drain us mentally and make us tired. Everyone keeps mentioning counselling and I think I will have to look into this too. I just can’t see a way through. How old are your DC? It’s so hard for them. My oldest son is nearly ten and was so close to my dad. Xx

First day at work was ... OK. I didn't do a lot but I looked at all the emails in my inbox and even replied to a few of them. Have opted out of a day in the office today though and am waiting for a GP phone appt to get a fit note.

@basilstrawberry All good wishes for Thursday. I found the build up almost unbearable, but once it was actually happening it was a relief to not have to worry about it any more.

The emotion and sadness and raw grief in your posts is palpable.

All I can say is that it doesn't always feel this all consuming and intense.
I won't even say the whole "time is a healer" as it is and it isn't. Time takes you further away from the mum or dad that you have lost, time passes without them but the relentless and crushing grief does lift. It comes back of course and it is never far from the surface.

"Life does not get better, it gets different" is something I read on here and it resonated.

The funeral is such a difficult time but I agree the build up was the worst part. I felt like a wet rag for about a week after but it was a relief to have that part out of the way. I remember feeling like I wanted to lay down and have a proper full on toddler style tantrum and scream "I don't want my mum to have a funeral"

It's hard.

Hi everyone,

Sorry I haven't been much use in replying. Have fallen back into 'keeping myself busy' and haven't had much breathing space.

But now I'm sat here with nothing to do until school run (littlest is asleep - for now).

How are you all? I can see from your posts that its a tough time at the moment.

I'm really struggling with having enthusiasm for anything. I may be keeping busy and trying to do some things I enjoy, but 9 times out of 10 I'm just not enjoying them.

Sitting in the house is the worst possible thing for me to do, but at the same time I don't want to go anywhere?

Went for a walk last night and got emotional. I'm still so angry at how it happened. How do you get past that? Obviously nobody gets to choose how they go, but she deserved so much better. I've learned things about mum's life since she passed, and so many people were just absolutely shit to her but she was still such a kind lady. She deserved better.

I think I'm expected to be over the event itself by now, but that's all I can remember when I think of her. I can't get to the good memories yet and I feel so bad about that

I don't want to do Christmas. I don't want to do presents or meals or even decorate to be honest. I don't want to go shopping or do anything that requires effort. I will do for the kid's sake of course, but I just don't see the point.

I do keep trying to find positives in each day (and I do find them), but still don't feel happy. If that makes sense?

My HV has suggested speaking to the GP re medication whilst I work through the process as I've been trying to dig myself out of feeling nothing/low/stressed for weeks now - I've got an appointment on Friday but I'm not sure that's the answer. Tempted to cancel it.

I guess I am getting somewhere as I no longer always feel numb, its just taking time.

@Crunchymum -

Life does not get better, it gets different" is something I read on here and it resonated.

What you said above I think is spot on. And I’m so sick of hearing people say to me that time is a wonderful healer. As the weeks go on for me, I long to see my Dad more and more. It’s like a pining to see someone. I can’t imagine ever getting used to this new different life without Dad.

@ Saz345

How are you feeling tonight? I did PM you, not sure if you’ve had time to read it. It’s fine if you haven’t, it was a long one. I think staying in the house is the worst thing if you’re on your own and like you, I’ve been keeping myself busy. I met a friend this morning and we did the supermarket together but everywhere you look it’s just Christmas stuff. Once they start playing the morbid Christmas songs in the supermarket, I won’t be able to go in one. I think it’s really depressing. I was thinking to myself that when I’m alone in the house for a day while the kids are at school and Hubby at work that if I’m feeling rock bottom low that I must take myself for a walk but as yet I haven’t done that. I’m with you totally that you don’t feel like doing anything at all, but equally staying in makes you feel the worst ever. You can’t win. I’m still making tea for my mum every night and she comes up for her tea every day. She’s cried tonight after tea while we were sat taking about Dad.
I agree for xmas. I want to fast forward to next year so at least it’s xmas out of the way. I had said to my husband that we won’t do it this year, any of it. No tree. No decorations. But the kids got upset about the tree as we always go and buy a real tree each year and take the kids to choose it. So I’ve relented and said we can get just the tree and decorate that, I think dad would want us to. And the kids of course will get presents as that would be mean, but I’ve told my hubby and everyone else that I don’t want a thing this year. The only thing I could wan is my Dad to be here, like you with your mim. That’s all you want. Nothing else is going to make me happy or feel happy. I miss dad so much that I almost can’t bare to think about him. I feel like I’m trying to keep busy doing things and trying some days to block it out. Not sure if that’s a good or bad thing to do. A teacher collared me at school yesterday to say that my youngest boy has been very sad and crying at school yesterday over my Dad, which broke me. I don’t know if we will do xmas day as in have dinner or not. Could happily just watch telly and have egg and chips and write the day off!
You mention feeling numb but that’s how I’ve felt since it happened and I think the numbness is shock. xx

@LucyintheSky21

Sorry I haven't seen it yet. Having issues with the site loading properly - not sure if it's the site or my phone or both? I was meant to upgrade in May, but went into labour the day I was planning to arrange it - and here we are almost 6 months later...I think it's slowly losing the will.

Anyway, I'm sorry to hear your youngest was upset yesterday. I know it can be heart wrenching when you see your kids feeling it too and there's nothing you can do about it. My oldest is only 5 and seemed to be taking everything in her stride until she randomly started proper crying at bedtime one evening. Tantrums returned for a while too and have only just (hopefully) started to settle. They did a family tree at school and she thought she couldn't put Grammy on there because she died. Bless her.

Agree Christmas stuff is everywhere already. I know that's the norm these days but it just annoys me at the moment.

How is your mum doing? It must be hard looking after her as well trying to deal with everything yourself. I don't have anyone else to look after so I can only imagine.

I'll look for the PM now before I shut down the laptop. Youngest's sleep is not brilliant so hoping to attempt at least a nap before she wakes - last night was rough. Probably only got about 3-4 hours total broken sleep, and I find being tired makes things seem worse.

@Saz345

Don’t worry if you’re too tired to reply to my PM tonight. You must be really tired so no rush at all. And also don’t feel you have STI PM me back, only if you want to.
I feel drained tonight with it all, me and my hubby have just been looking at photos on my phone of my Dad and all of us that it’s so hard to believe were only taken a few weeks before… when life was normal. Life was so good and I can’t believe now how shit it really is. Sorry to hear you didn’t get a good nights sleep, broken sleep is the worst at any time, but with all this that you’re going through it also won’t help.
Re your phone. You sound like me! I’m having the same problems and have needed to upgrade for about the passed year! The battery is shocking. I have to charge it all night every night to 100% and in no time at all it’s back down to 18% and in the red. I actually rang up to upgrade a couple of weeks before all this happened and then it got put on the back burner and now like you, I couldn’t care less about the phone.
That’s really sad about the family tree, that would have made me sad too. It’s so hard for the kids as they’re so young. My oldest in nearly ten and he understands and is being a little hero for my mum as he was so close to my dad so he’s stepping up for my mum and he stays every night at the moment with her. My youngest is 7 and it’s interesting what you said, he has started getting very tantrummy. He will get very upset easily and over nothing all of a sudden and he keeps saying that when he plays Fortnite (all his friends play it) they can revive people and bring them back to life. So he wants to know if this will happen with Dad.
My mum is not good at all. She’s at breaking point and very fragile and sees no purpose to her life now without my dad. She still can’t believe any of this has happened, as I can’t. To be honest I think we’re both still I shock, even 7 weeks on. I just can’t believe any of this is really happening. I just want to ring up my mum’s and my dad to answer and tell me my mum has nipped to the shops. Or to go round and see him sat in the garden in his chair or see him doing something in the garden that he loved taking care of. I’d just give anything to see him and talk to him. How does that get any easier?
I don’t mind looking after my mum. I’m trying my very best and I hope my dad can see that I doing all I can. Everything that’s had to be sorted out I’ve done, letters and phone calls and shopping and cooking etc but I feel useless because she’s broken and I can’t make it better or make it right because there’s only one thing that can make any of this right.
What’s your day looking like tomorrow? I hope you manage to get a better nights sleep so that you feel maybe a little bit brighter in the morning, I know broken sleep is the worst, and it’s something to look forward to (going to sleep) as it blocks it all out for a bit. xx

@Saz345 your post yesterday articulates exactly how I feel. What a shit time this is, I'm four months in to losing my mum to Covid and things are getting worse not better. I don't know if it's the weather, the dark evenings, the approach of Christmas but I can barely function right now.

I lost my cool with someone who I thought was a friend on Sunday who is now not speaking to me, which has upset me. Someone else (an acquaintance rather than a friend) told me to "smile and not be a fun sponge" and I nearly killed them. I'm ridiculously busy and not really holding it together at all - every day is just another endurance test and if I look more than one day ahead I'm completely overwhelmed. I can't sleep at all and feel sick half the time and then eat crap food. I'm going away with some girlfriends this weekend but dreading it, they're my oldest friends and are trying so hard to help but I just want to curl up in a dark room and not have to pretend to be jolly.

It's an absolute nightmare and I can't decide whether to try the GP or not. It just feels like nothing will help. I can't even motivate myself to have my flu or Covid booster and I don't really know why.

@frostyfingers if that's the type of thing they say its a blessing they are not talking to you. I try to be forgiving because sometimes people really don't know what to say, but that's a really stupid thing to say to a bereaved person. I'm sorry that happened to you.

Two days of attempting normal life done. Had a terrible night of dreams where she was alive but just out of reach and i kept chasing after her. Woke up feeling terrified. The GP gave me a fit note for a phased return so I have just sent that in.

Christmas stuff everywhere just makes the world seem even more alien than it did already. Like I'm in a parallel universe or something.

Hi everyone, how are you all this evening? I’m just checking in to make sure everyone is ok, or as ok as can be. I’ve been out with my mum today and she walked around with me looking lost and broken. As others have said, Christmas things all over and you just want to run away. When my Dad passed, a nurse in the hospital kindly cut 3 locks of hair from my dad for me and my mum and sister and I have been wanting to find a really nice locket that I can put it in ties with a nice ribbon so that I can wear it and keep it close to me always. I haven’t felt up to going but my mum said we should go today. Anyway, I have found a beautiful locket that I think will be perfect and I have ordered some pale blue embroidery silk to tie the hair with. I just can’t believe it though, stood in a jewellery shop buying a locket for my dad’s hair when I should be happy and excitedly doing Christmas shopping and buying for my Dad who should be still here with us. It’s still so surreal nearly 8 weeks on.

@basilstrawberry - I wanted to say that I will be thinking of you tomorrow and I really hope you get through the day ok. It helped me that so many of my dad’s friends were there and people that all thought so much of my dad, that carried me through the day but I felt very numb for all of it. And it’s very quickly over. xx

@frostyfingers - I hope you manage to get some enjoyment this weekend for your weekend away with friends, I think it’s nice that they have done this for you and are obviously trying to be supportive. As for losing your cool with someone, I’ve nearly done that a few times. I think it’s difficult because people who haven’t been through it just don’t know what to say. I feel like some people think because it was 7 weeks ago for me now that I should be ‘moving on’. No-one says that but I feel like people stop asking if I’m ok or how I’m doing and everyone’s talking about bloody Christmas.

I’ve been at work today, and it’s the first work day I’ve felt I managed better. My boss asked me about my dad and my auntie, and how was I doing. I managed to chat to her without bursting in to tears, they were there, just under the surface but I kept them in. To be honest it felt ‘nice’ in a way to be able to talk about my dad without being completely overwhelmed by emotions. But now i feel guilty for being okay, like I should have been upset and crying, can’t really put in to words, but I feel terrible for being ‘okay’ talking about him. Hope you lot kind of understand.

@frostyfingers

Well that person deserves a slap! What a thing to say!

I'm sorry you're feeling this way too. I wish I knew what would help. I'm still in two minds whether to cancel my gp appointment on Friday. Feel like I'd be wasting their time because I've no idea what will help anyway. I'm leaning towards counselling, my sister has given me the number for the person she used but I haven't been brave enough to call yet. I just want to get a hold of my emotions again, actually enjoy something, look forward to something.

And not christmas!

I'm just approaching the 4 month mark too (on the 27th), I thought it would be better than this by now. Not great by any means, but better.

Anyway I really hope you get some enjoyment from your weekend once your there. Your friends sound lovely. I actually had lunch with my oldest friend at the weekend and we ended up talking about old times pre-covid etc. it was nice to remember something good before this whole shitty year started.

@Testarossa44

That's brilliant news! I'm glad you had a better day today.

I know what you mean about feeling bad for not crying etc, it's a bizarre way to feel isn't it? Logically makes no sense, but that doesn't stop you feeling it. xx

@basilstrawberry

Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

I know it probably doesn't help right now, (what does?) but in my experience I found the build up/anticipation worse than the event itself. It goes by very quickly, and in all honesty I kind of zoned out for a lot of it.

I hope it goes as smoothly as it can or you xx