MrW has died

[Willowkins]

My previous threads were: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/life_limiting.../2887509-Im-not-OK and www.mumsnet.com/.../3266385-The-calm-before-the-storm for any one who wants to follow my story (sorry I can't do clicky links)

There are 3 things I need to mention now that my sweet, funny MrW has died: (1) I am so sad and I miss him terribly; (2) most people have been really kind but some have been downright patronising; and (3) the sheer amount of paperwork is doing my head in.

Damson gin sounds fab ! Enjoy the break.

We've had a lovely peaceful chilled out Xmas day 🎅

Happy new year - hope you had a good break x

Hi Nota it was lovely - so beautiful and so, so much food. Driving long distances was really tiring so probably just need to adapt to being older more cars on the roads these days. I also had my first ever pedicure and I kept saying to the YWs with a slightly crazy look in my eye: feel my feet they're so soft (they refused ). How are things with you - still waiting for answers?

Fab. Love a good pedicure unless they tickle my feet !

Still waiting, seeing oncology Tuesday and booked in fir EBUS and bronchoscopy on Wednesday then it's 2 weeks for the results !

It's been so long since I posted. And I am so sorry about that.
The Lake District was good. Food was good. We survived Christmas Day and Mr W's birthday and the New Year.
I have started counselling and am addressing my I'm-a-failure-because-I-couldn't-fix-it mentality. I've realised that there was nothing I could do to change the outcome. All I could do was to care for him and make his life comfortable. And I did that.

We bury his ashes next week as per his wishes and that is the final thing I can do for him. I think after that, I'll wrap up this thread - maybe start a new one about my life as a single mum.

All the firsts 😥.

There is nothing you could have done to change the outcome. My DH is angry with himself for putting us through this - it's bloody hard !

I'm trying not to think about the afters but the thoughts creep in ....

That's why I've ducked out of the other thread Nota - I feel like the spectre at the feast.
I can understand why he's angry but I don't suppose that helps you much. I remember MrW saying sorry for putting me through this because he knew it would be hard for me. And me saying: Don't worry about me I'll be fine (my friend's definition of fine is 'fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional' and that just about sums it up).
I do believe that we have this deep-seated, hidden strength and somehow we just keep going. So just hold on and don't forget to breathe.

Thank you to everyone who has been asking after me. I have been struggling these last few weeks but I've been having counselling for my anxiety and I'm getting better. I have put my name down for grief counselling with Cruse as well.

I have finally (tonight) managed to put the complaint into the Financial Ombudsman about his pension. Those of you who have followed this thread will know that this has been going on since last Summer. I have struggled so much with panic attacks every time I tried to do it so was only able to do a few minutes at a time. The company really should have shown some compassion but hey ho, it's done now and I can concentrate on being a mum.

The ashes burial was a few weeks ago now but it was a lovely service with just a few of his close friends, the new vicar and me. Beautiful words were spoken - mostly about his faith and that, all through his illness, he knew where he was going - and he was so ready to go.

He hung on because he wanted to spend more time with his children - a bit more growing up time - precious time for them to be anchored in young adulthood and not the chaos of early teens.

I remember him saying sorry to me for "putting you through all this". Of course I told him not to worry about me and that I loved him and would do anything for him. But I realise now that was not what he meant. There is never any debt with the ones you love but I think he just wanted to make sure no words were left unsaid.

All this went through my mind as they poured his ashes into the ground. There was a little bit of a breeze and to be honest I think some of them escaped. He wouldn't have cared about that - if anything he would have found it deeply amusing.

He was a good husband to me, father to the YAWs, friend to his friends and he has gone home. He's really okay.

It’s been a year since MrW died. So I’m going to bow out of this thread and maybe start a new one on the journey to healing or something like.

Before I go, I wanted to thank you all for your support during this time. Some of you have stuck with me for years during MrW’s illness and death. Thanks also to the Woolly Huggers who knitted a beautiful blanket that’s just so soft and comforting and filled with memories. I’ve got it wrapped round me now while I write this 🐑🤗

Me? I am off the Sertraline – just in time to have all these emotions rolling back in. I don’t regret the Sertraline – it helped me to get through counselling and pick up some tools along the way which will help me cope. Also, I’m due to start grief counselling when I get to the top of Cruse’s list and there is not much point in that if I can’t feel any actual grief. So it’s challenging but I believe I will get through it.

The YAWs are amazing as always. They are growing up so fast and I’m glad I have this time with them. DS is nearly an adult and so like his Dad. He is happy if he has a project to work on (currently he’s painting the bathroom). I have realised that DD is more like me. The number of times one of us will say the same thing. We think alike although of course she is a lot smarter than me. I’m beyond proud of both of them.

My plan is to go to the burial site in the morning and maybe say goodbye again. Not forever goodbye. Just say I miss him and wish he was still with us. I asked the YAWs if they wanted to come along but they both want to do their own thing. That’s fine - though of course I’m ready to give them all the support and space they need.

I feel anger and panic too - and strangely out of control. Something happened today that set off my PTSD (the timing was not great). I just want to retreat behind my fortress walls until the storm is over. I find myself rehearsing, endlessly, what will I do/say if xyz happens. It’s not doing me any good. Also, I did my own version of panic buying earlier and bought chocolate, ice-cream and doughnuts.

Tomorrow will roll on and then it’s another day and another. We have no choice but to keep going.

I wish you all the best. Stay well and be safe.
❤️

All the best, Willowkins

A year ? Hope you've found some peace today x